A/N: This is an idea I had a while ago. It could stand alone but its going to be a three part songfic. I hope you like the first part.
Does Happily Ever After Exist?
Part One
Don't Think I Don't Think About It
I stare out across the ocean and I sigh internally. I ran my fingers through my hair. I glance back at the green jeep I had recently stolen. I grimace realizing what I had done without initially realizing it. Her car, just like hers. How long had it been, I wonder? How long since I had drove away from that house full of people like myself? She had been standing on the steps watching me go. I shake my head trying desperately to rid my mind of such thoughts.
We had the biggest fight I think we had ever had. I said I wasn't coming back and here I am somewhere far away. Living a life of crime like I was and am used to. How many times had I left before this? I always came back but this time, I hadn't.
I left out in a cloud of taillights and dust
Swore I wasn't coming back, said I'd had enough
Saw you in the rearview standing, fading from my life
But I wasn't turning 'round, no, not this time
I inhale the salt water air; it does nothing for my emotional state. Her smell, that dark musky yet flowery scent could calm me down like nothing else could. I could play with her hair between my fingers, the only part of her I could touch with my bare hands. I could simply relax with her on this beach and nothing else would have mattered.
I glare at the ocean as if it was the reason for my thoughts. I know it's not the ocean's fault, it's mine. I regret leaving her and I immediately reach into my pocket for my liquid memory killer; anything to kill the memories, the thoughts, anything that remind me of her.
But don't think I don't think about it
Don't think I don't have regrets
Don't think it don't get to me
Between the work and the hurt and the whiskey
I let the liquor burn down my throat. Where would we be right now? Would I be on some mission with the Institute knowing I would be back in the morning to see her smiling face? What would have happened if I had turned back around? Could I be able to touch her by now? I glance out at the ocean, and smirk. She could be standing here beside me going on a crime spree of a lifetime but that's the fantasy I held silently. We could be burning up the world; stealing what we wanted to survive and going where we wanted.
Still with those thoughts, I remember how mad I was that day. It burns inside me as strong as the liquor and it has been years. I remember what I said: I won't be back this time, I'm stronger than you think, I don't need you to be strong for me. I've had enough of this!
Don't think I don't wonder 'bout
Could've been, should've been all worked out
I know what I felt and I know what I said
But don't think I don't think about it
I growl punching the metal railing with all my might. I feel something in my hand crunch but I ignore it. I've gotten very good at ignoring the pain. I pour more liquor down my throat and a bit over my bleeding knuckles. I hiss and I think about that time I ran into Jean. She had smiled sadly at me but informed me that Rogue was engaged to Bobby. Would my chère be married by now? Part of me wishes it was me, she were married to. It makes me wonder does she think about me? Do I cross her mind? I should never have left. I miss her so much. I should never have driven away.
And we make choices, we gotta live with it
Heard you found a real good man and you married him
I wonder if sometimes I cross your mind
Where we would be today if I never drove that car away?
I need to see her one more time. Just to see her smile and fly up into the air with all the freedom she has. To know that she's not mine anymore and she's his; that I don't love her anymore. That I don't need her and I don't want her.
Who am I kidding? I still love her, still want her, and I still need her. I'm not strong without her. She's everything I'm not; she's the perfect complement to my ineffective traits. She fit so perfectly against my chest. I look down at the liquor in my hand and back at the ocean.
Don't think I don't think about it
Don't think I don't have regrets
Don't think it don't get to me
Between the work and the hurt and the whiskey
I chuck the bottle as hard as I can and it explodes in the air. I smirk and I turn looking at the green jeep. I'm not sure what's going through my head but this is the first time in a long time that I felt like doing anything positive. I walk over and climb into the jeep. My pack of cards caught my attention as they were sitting in the front seat on my trench coat. The ace of spades stood proudly on top. My signature card, I pick up the pack and flick through it. I'm missing one card; it's my oldest pack of cards. The one I left with my true lucky lady, my real life Queen of Hearts. I smirk putting the pack in the pocket. She still had my heart, in more ways than one.
No more what ifs. I'm going to see my Queen one last time and if she's happy, I'll leave her that way. If I think for one moment she would be happier in my arms then I'm going to steal her heart once again like the great thief I am.
Don't think I don't wonder 'bout
Could've been, should've been all worked out
Yeah, I know what I felt and I know what I said
But don't think I don't think about it
I turn the ignition, squealing the tires as I took off. Dust flew from underneath my tires leaving a cloud behind. I glance in the rearview mirror and I can almost see the auburn and white streaked hair of her flowing in the wind behind me. I regret leaving her and I can't help it, I think about her too much. It was a mistake leaving her. If I hadn't left, where would I be now with her? I would be beside her instead of that stupid little boy. I would be the one kissing her lips and running my fingers through her hair.
I'm going to see you, chère, even if it's just for a moment. I can't help but wonder. I can't help but have regrets. So many what ifs. She probably thinks I don't think about it.
Don't think I don't think about it
To Be Continued…