His hands had never shaken so much as they did now. Both mechanical and flesh were uncontrollable as he sat on the balcony that led into his shared apartment. Anakin couldn't bring his eyes away from watching them shake, it was a reminder of what he could have done that night. His jealousy, his rage had taken control of him nearly compelling him to murder a man. A man who deserved it, but that was not going to spare him any harsh judgement from the Jedi or any Court. He knew the actions were wrong, yet he did them anyway.
What had come over him? He knew better than that. Padme wasn't going to leave him for Rush, the guy was no good to anyone, a proven traitor. Clovis only had loyalty to himself, and to a credit that was it. Someone like Padme couldn't fall for someone who had that personality, and she was married. That should be enough for anyone in this Galaxy.
Anakin's head sank low into his shaking hands, he closed his eyes to hide himself away from anyone. The harder he tried to shut out everything around him the more the thoughts came to the forefront of his mind. No matter how hard he attempted to distract himself with something else they were there to pester him.
Despite knowing what she knew about the Senator, Padme still nearly kissed that…that…slime! Even with all of his flaws he could still charm Anakin's wife enough for her to have a moment of weakness. The young knight's stomach felt like there were bubbles inside when he thought about the what that charm could have earned Clovis had Anakin not stepped in at that moment. If sleeping with his wife was a goal then he deserved to be beaten within an inch of his life. No feeble-minded worm would ever have the chance to do that. Anakin would rather die than that happen.
Then again, the guy had everything that he didn't. Clovis could provide for her, had prestige, had a stable life, the opportunity to have an open relationship with her. Padme wouldn't have to hide how she felt with someone like him. They had been like that before, hadn't they? Clovis sounded like he could make all of her dreams come true, unlike himself.
Anakin lifted his head just enough so his eyes could see the nightlife around Coruscant. Speeders flew by the apartment with no regard of his plight. Lights came off of the neighboring buildings providing some light to see the life the planet had. Streams of headlights told him that life was going on as normal for thousands of beings on the planet, but for him it was anything else.
Beeps from the side of his ETA-2 brought his blue eyes away from the nightlife and onto the faithful astromech droid who accompanied him on every endeavor. His voice felt weak just as his stomach, "I'll be fine Artoo, I just need to talk to Padme".
Not a moment later he could hear the sound of Padme's heels coming down the winding staircase to their living room. Anakin scrambled to his feet trying to gain composure of himself, because he was going to need every ounce of strength to speak to his wife after what he had done. At a brisk pace he walked passed the archway that led into the apartment ignoring every piece of furniture that passed by him. Nothing else mattered in the Galaxy at this moment, nothing could take him away from this home.
When Padme's form finally appeared from behind the wall on the spiral staircase she wore a scowl that made his stomach drop worse than it already had. She was carrying her long flowing Senate gown with both hands in a pose that was eerily similar to the one she wore when going to war in the Galactic congress. This night was not going to be like any of the others whenever they tried to make up, something told him tonight was going to be a nightmare.
Once her feet touched the bottom step Anakin took a step close to her, and tried to bring his hand to her cheek. Padme avoided the gesture swiftly, taking a step to her right to make sure he wouldn't have the chance. Her eyes evaded his own as if they were two magnets of the same charge. "Don't" was all she said to him, but it was enough to make him lose feeling in his knees.
"Padme, I – " he tried to start, but found that the words escaped him. What could he even say that would make his actions palpable?
"Do you know what you could have done tonight Anakin?" she said still looking at the floor hurting him more with every second she avoided his gaze, "you could have killed him! Do you realize what that could have done to your career, to mine?"
"Padme" he said wanting so badly to hold her hand or to bring her chin to look at him. His hand made the move, but stopped short knowing it would only make things worse. He tried again to speak, finding the words once again elusive, "I didn't mean to…when I saw what he was going to do…."
"That does not make it okay to kill a man Anakin!" she all but yelled and finally brought her hazel eyes to his. Anakin could see the fury in her look, it made the normally fearless soldier want to hide away. He loved his wife so much that he would lose himself for her, but when she looked at him like he was a cold-blooded killer it made him want to die. "I regret what happened Anakin, but you know that I don't care for Clovis. I don't love him, I never married him".
The weight of her words alone seemed to bring him to his knees. Anakin fell to the floor sitting in a meditative stance that was so familiar to Jedi Knights. The floor was cold, unwelcoming, both things he deserved. Her words though were what brought goosebumps to his skin. His response was spoken weakly, "I know that, Padme. I don't know what happened to me tonight. When I saw that I was afraid that he was what you needed, what you wanted".
"I'm afraid Anakin! I'm afraid of who's in there sometimes, because when you act like that it's not the man I married. I don't want that, I don't need that. More and more often you come home with jealousy in your heart or with fear causing things like this to happen. As long as those are inside you then you have no room for me".
"I can change" he told her with his eyes becoming misty. Through that mist he could tell that she was avoiding his pathetic look in order to remain strong. "I can stop that. When I come home you're all I look forward to, all I have in this life. For you I'll change".
"That's strangling me! Don't you see that Anakin?" Padme began to walk back towards the stairs, "You have to go now, I want to be alone".
"What are you saying?"
With one final look Anakin saw a few tears come down her cheeks bringing his breathing close to a halt. "I can't do this anymore Anakin. We have a marriage based on lies, and deceptions. Other marriages can be together in public, start families, avoid worrying, things we'll never have. We live with constant paranoia about being found out. We sneak around trying to steal moments together, and when we finally have them they're never enough. To top it all off, there are moments like this when I'm afraid to be around you. It's not something I can continue to do anymore".
"Please don't do this. You're all I have Padme" he pleaded still on his hands and knees. "We can make this work. I love you".
"We can't. We've tried Anakin, but it's over. Love isn't enough to survive something like this. You have Obi-Wan, the Jedi, and your duties" Anakin could see her try to fight back her tears making his own emotions more uncontrollable. Her first step up the staircase was slow, then gained speed, her last words reaching him without her being in his eyesight, "please go".
"Padme!" he yelled after her. Anakin scrambled to his feet ready to chase after her, chase after the dream that he was losing every second. His mouth felt dry, his hands numb, and his knees like jell. Just as Anakin was about to take his second step he heard a blaster charge up from above.
The Force warned him of potential danger when Captain Typho came around the staircase with his silver pistol in hand. Typho wore a serious look, and Anakin felt that he was ready to protect his Senator at all costs, even against the man who had saved his planet and the Galaxy. "I believe she asked you to leave Master Skywalker".
Anger began to simmer, filling his mind with a deep-seated hatred for the security officer. They both knew that it would take no longer than a blink of an eye for the Jedi to dispatch him. They also both knew that any sort of move against the man holding the gun would result in a world of trouble for Anakin. Grudgingly, and with anguish in his heart the Jedi turned away gaining speed until he reached the yellow Jedi starfighter.
Anakin's droid beeped and booped to him, but was ignored. The Jedi's emotional state left him unable to comprehend what was going on around him. Something took over his body, because he didn't realize what he was doing. His hands moved of their own accord, guiding him through traffic recklessly, barely avoiding crafts of all different colors. His eyes could understand what was going on around him, however he felt as though he was on autopilot.
Padme had divorced him in the blink of an eye, she couldn't deal with someone like him. His emotions were too erratic, he was too jealous, and he wasn't around for her when she needed someone. Anakin had ruined his marriage, nearly caused her to lose her career as she put it. Padme needed someone else, another man who could be what she needed. He wasn't good enough. Each realization brought him closer to being sick.
The worst part about it though, the worst thing she had told him was that she wasn't happy. Padme was everything to him, his sole reason for living after his mother had died. Her smile made his every day, and being without her was like being without air. During a battle he often thought back to her to bring him strength. She was his sanctuary when he needed one that could bring him away from the blood or screams of clones. To hear that Padme didn't find that same solace in his arms, kiss, or touch killed him.
Anakin felt the ship land in the hangar of the Jedi Temple, not realizing where he was going along the way. His blue eyes scanned the hangar for his former master, but he was unable to locate the last person he needed. His gloved hand found the button that popped the cockpit, and he scrambled out of the seat with wobbling legs. R2 once again called to him finding that his Jedi companion was too caught up in his head to reply.
Ships, Jedi, and paintings were a blur as Anakin ran from the hangar, into the hallway, then bee-lined for Obi-Wan's quarters. There were those who spared him irritated glances that he ignored, then there were those who seemed worried about his well-being. No matter what type of person he passed he didn't care, he just had to find Kenobi.
The Jedi master's door whisked open, and Anakin could tell that Obi-Wan was surprised to see him. The older Jedi was about to speak then he looked like he was getting a closer look at his former padawan. He placed down his drink and datapad quickly then came over to Anakin who could see that the man's mouth was moving, however he couldn't hear a word. The younger Jedi was led over to the chair that Obi-Wan had been sitting in finding it much less comfortable than it had ever been before.
Obi-Wan tried to reach him again, and though he couldn't really hear him Anakin knew what the question had been. He swallowed hard, preparing himself for what he was saying. It felt like the longer he procrastinated on his answer the less true it would be, yet he knew that simply wasn't true. "I'm divorced".
"What?" Obi-Wan asked confused, unsure he heard Anakin correctly.
Anakin's sad eyes found his masters with tears in them once more, "Padme, she divorced me tonight". Obi-Wan's face went pale, Anakin didn't bother noticing though. "I nearly lost myself tonight Obi-Wan, I nearly killed Clovis after losing my temper. He nearly kissed Padme, and then he challenged me. Something came over me, just like when I saw those sand people…"
"Stop!" Obi-Wan all but yelled. Anakin took a good look at his former master to see the man's shoulders rise then fall with every quick breath. His sad blue eyes could plainly see that his father figure was in clear distress over what he had heard. The younger man never thought through what he been doing, but he was sure that Obi-Wan would listen to him just this once.
The Jedi master raised his arm with his hand in a placating gesture, "you've been married to Senator Amidala?"
"Yes" Anakin replied. He wasn't in the mood to argue what he had done, he was looking for someone to listen to him not judge his life decisions.
Running his hands through his hair Obi-Wan tried to sooth himself, then tried to settle his nerves by pacing. Neither worked much for him so he turned to see his broken friend with disbelief in his face, "you just admitted that you broke the code Anakin".
"Obi-Wan, don't do this".
"Don't do this? You've formed an attachment, you're married! The cardinal rule in the Jedi Order was broken, because you couldn't control your feelings! What am I not supposed to do Anakin?"
"I came to you, because I need someone! I have nothing to live for right now! I know I broke the code, but that isn't what I need to hear. Comfort is what I thought you could give me when I need it most, is that so much to ask?"
"It's not possible for me to look this over Anakin" Obi-Wan said much more calm this time. His breathing had slowed to a normal rate, but his disapproval was still evident, "the Jedi Order is not easy to commit to, but you took that oath when you came here. Padme has been a friend to both of us over the years, and I knew you were close, but this is far greater than I could have ever expected. What's more, you let your emotions control your actions when you assaulted a Senator for the Republic. I'm truly sorry for what you're feeling, but this would not have happened had you controlled yourself".
"Master, please just hear me out" Anakin begged him.
"I have to meditate on this Anakin" Obi-Wan said. He turned around to leave the room to Anakin's dismay. However, the man turned around eyeing his best friend. The younger man bowed his head as he knew what Obi-Wan was going to tell him before the words left his mouth, "disappointment can't begin to describe how I fell. We'll talk more soon". Then he was gone.
Dumbstruck was a good description of how he felt. There was no doubt in Anakin's mind that this had to be the worst night in his life. First, his wife separated from him and now he may be removed from the Jedi Order due to his misplaced faith in Obi-Wan. He stared at the blank cream-colored wall across from his chair wondering how his life had come to this. In the span of only two hours he had gone from content to disgraced.
The desire to stay where he was had left him the moment Obi-Wan walked through that door. There was nothing left for him in this life of his, nobody to turn to in his time of need. The past few years of his life brought him great joys only to rip them away just as fast. His mother, Ahsoka, now Padme, and possibly the Jedi Order leaving him. The Jedi would never let him stay, and even if they did he would be shamed by every Jedi, especially the Council. No, this life was empty.
Standing up, Anakin decided that since death was not an option he had to leave this place. The emotions became too much that they seemed to fade away all together. He walked quietly out of the room then next door to his own quarters. The room held plenty of sentimental objects for him, none of which would be coming with him. Anakin's mind became focused on only one thing, gather what was needed to live, he would deal with the emotional aftermath later.
He removed the long glove on his flesh hand tossing it carelessly on the bed. The fingers that had been once covered every minute of the day were now free. With a mind of its own the free hand packed the cloak that had been laying on the bed, the datapad next to it, then a package of spare mechanical parts on the dresser. A last look around the room told Anakin that there wasn't anything else he needed. If he was going to go, now's the time.
Carrying his things in his arms the lonely Jedi walked out of his room without another look back. He spared no looks to the 'faceless' Jedi he walked past, the tan walls were as drab as ever, or the rooms that were on his way back to the hangar. Special was a word that didn't fit any part of this place, although it had been his 'home' for the past years in his life. He wasn't held back by anything in the Temple, and when he stepped into the large room that held the ships he felt nearly free.
"R2, start the engines" Anakin called out when he was only thirty or so feet away. The droid beeped in response to the Jedi, and with an emotionless voice he responded, "no, we aren't going back to the apartments. We'll find someplace new where we can experience a new life".