HONEST GAME TRAILERS: Sonic Boom: Rise of Lyric
Hey, how long has it been since I was on this site? Well, anyway. In honor of Honest Trailers, here is my honest trailer on the heavily criticized Sonic game since Sonic 06.
Honest Trailers is owned by Screen Junkies and Smosh Games. Check them out. They're awesome!
The following trailer is rated H for Honest.
From the company (SEGA) who created one the best selling games of the franchise, but then started going downhill ever since 2006, comes the next glitchy s**tfest that has more controversial disappointment than "Colonial Marines".
"Sonic Boom: Rise of Lyric"
In case you have given up on the franchise already, get ready to see SEGA make the poorest decision yet by making a game that is supposed to be a tie in to:
-The new cartoon show that most people like but most people hate due to being a comedy for kids
-The new line of comic books that nobody cares about but will read anyway
-And a marketable toyline that are most likely set up by cash grabbers... 'cause let's face it. You know you're gonna buy them.
Welcome back to the world of Sonic the Hedgehog. But now, get ready to play his game like you've never seen before. Such as:
-Running slow as s**t. (Sonic running at a jogger's pace.) UGH! C'mon! Go fast!
-Generic platforming
-Energy tethers. (Enerbeams)
-Zip lining
-Smashing robots
And making overused memes from the internet. (Sonic: Rings! Nomomomomom! / Rings are life, baby! / Take me someplace cool! / We can just build a snowman instead if you want.) Ugh... is he even trying?
Since Sonic has been the only playable character in the last few games, get ready to play as his friends.
-Miles "Tails" Prower, who is nothing more but a techno geek that carries around a bunch of robot drones and can only fly when he's over wind powered vents.
-Knuckles, who got beefed up on steroids since the last game (Lost World), has fingers and is incredibly low on intelligence. (Knuckles: Today's not a cardio day. / You know that I love punching things. / There are things inside these things.) What the f***?
-And Amy Rose, who is nothing more than a Thrill-seeking Mary-Sue. (Amy: Girl power!)
Together, these four one dimensional heroes must stop an ancient evil snake named Lyric, who wants to rule the world by destroying everything organic. But then we realize that the heroes apparently imprisoned him a thousand years ago and then accidentally free him in the present. (Thinks of Mephiles in Sonic 06) Okay, if you guys are going to tell me they ripped off Sonic 06 say it right now.
Get ready to play a game that was made by a handful of ex-Naughty Dog developers (Big Red Button), to make a sh***y rehash of Jak & Daxter, only by slapping Sonic's brand on it so that kids can buy it, but also become disappointed when everything the trailers promised us with turn out to be half-assed in the final product. You will be overcoming many obstacles like:
-Frame lagging (Frame rate issues in speed sections)
-Stuttering
-Environments that weren't textured properly
-More slow-ass running
-Unnecessary fetch quests
-People who are jerks when meeting them
-Upgrades no one cares about
-More frame lagging
-The glitch that everyone loves using but also breaks the game (Knuckles infinite jump glitch)
-Ghost Models (Disappearing character models)
-And the option to upgrade your ring count by connecting your 3DS. Just to give me extra health? Bull***t!
So gear up for an adventure that will most likely piss people off when they realize that this isn't a real Sonic game, as your only goal in the whole story is to stop Lyric from pulling a Dr. Nefarious and performing global domination by:
-Going through forced speed sections... because they're reminding you that Sonic is fast.
-Giving off bland dialogue (Sonic: It's like these tracks were built for me.)
-Driving a boat that has clunky controls.
-Driving a submarine that has okay controls.
-Fighting boss battles that were ripped right out of God of War
-Fighting robots in a dull and boring combat sequence over... and over... and over... and over... and over... and over... and over... and over again. Thanks for wasting my life away on unoriginal combat guys.
Also, watch Sonic and his friends do amazing things like:
-Getting skyrocketed (By a rock in the canyon and by Metal Sonic two times.)
-Getting shot at point blank (Sonic getting blasted by robots in the beginning.)
-Having awkward moments (Sonic and Amy looking at the water plant.)
-And getting captured (The team getting captured by Lyric two times.)
But you also get to see other cool characters such as Metal Sonic, who is in this game for no reason. Shadow the Hedgehog, who is just there to be a jerk to Sonic. (Shadow: Saving the world? You? Don't make me laugh.) And Doctor 'Eggman' Robotnik who for some reason is in this game but you only get to fight him in one boss battle. ... Well that sucks.
So prepare to suffer as SEGA once again squanders your childhood as they helped promote this game but also refused to send out review copies to known game critics, while at the same time become reminded by people online that this is a game for kids and you shouldn't care about the quality in them. (Sees the Knuckles and Jellyfish moment in the game in a suggestive image) Yep, nothing out of the ordinary here.
STARRING:
Nathan Auditore (Sonic)
Numbuh Two (Tails)
Crunch Bandicoot (Knuckles)
Pink Megan Fox (Amy Rose)
Discount Kevin Spacey (Dr. Eggman)
Kaa on Steroids (Lyric)
John Marston (Cliff)
R2-D2 (Q-N-C)
Discount GLaDOS (MAIA)
This guy (Miner)
This dude (Mayor)
I, Robot (Metal Sonic)
The Winter Soldier (Shadow the Hedgehog)
Dumb and Dumber (Jellyfishes)
DeviantArt Characters
Rip Off Boggy the Polar Bear
Selena Gomez (Perci)
Pinkamena (Sticks the Badger)
Bentley (Turtle guy)
Smart Daggett (Fastidious Beaver)
Sentinels
Resident Evil Chases
and THE MOST ANNOYING SOUND EVER! (Bounce pad! Hey, look a bounce pad! Yeah, bounce pads! Hey, a bounce pad! Bounce pad! Bounce pad!) SHUT UP!
"Sonic Doom: Rise of Bad Games"
At least the 3DS game isn't much worse than this.
(Watches the dance party at Amy's house.) Aw f**k!
Thanks for reading. Please know that I made this for fun and didn't mean to be offensive. I actually like the cartoon but not the games.