"To squeak or not to squeak, that is the question." Said a mouse agent.
Perry yawned.
Peter the panda chewed absent-mindedly on a bamboo stalk.
Clara the chicken eyed Wendell the worm.
"Thank you for that lovely opening speech, Marlow." Monogram clapped his hands. "I have no idea what was in it, but I am sure it was just wonderful."
"I wasn't done yet." Marlow muttered bitterly. He stormed off of the stage.
"Anyway, to start, thank you all for coming to the annual O.W.C.A awards dinner." Monogram said. "It's extremely pleasing to have so many talented agents here at once."
Kyle the kangaroo picked his nose. Devon the dog launched a pea on his spoon. It hit Darren the duck in the head.
"Do they always have to serve Carl's special mashed potatoes at these things?" Perry asked Pinky the Chihuahua, poking at his food with his fork. The potatoes morphed back into their previous shape.
"It's good for his self-esteem or something." Pinky said. "That's what I heard, anyway."
"Well, it can't be good for anyone's stomach." Perry said. "At least the peas are okay."
"The cupcakes are delicious." Pinky said.
"Yeah. I had seventeen."
"Seventeen?"
"One that Monogram gave to me from the tray he was carrying, and sixteen when he wasn't looking."
"Oh."
"Yeah. My stomach feels kinda funny now."
"And now, Telulah the tapir will present the Golden Dung Beetle award." Monogram said.
Telulah stepped up on the stage. She was wearing little golden bows on her fedora.
"Are those bees on her head?" Perry asked.
"No, they're ribbons." Pinky said.
"Huh, who knew. Forgot to put my contacts in."
"But you're farsighted."
"Then maybe they are bees and you're just trying to throw me off."
"Stop joking around and pay attention to her speech." Pinky chided.
"This award was first created by Donald the Dung Beetle, an incredible agent who captured more villains than any other agent. He was the master of the 'rolling-up-a-giant-ball-to-crush-your-enemies-with' technique."
"Ew. I'm about to lose my lunch." Perry said.
"This award is given out every year to an agent with unique fighting techniques."
"Unique." Perry repeated. He tried to stick his fork in the mashed potatoes. The fork popped out and landed on the floor.
"And this year, the award goes to Darren the duck." Telulah said.
Darren walked up to the front.
"All he does is smack people over the head with chairs." Perry said. "Well, I guess that could be considered unique. I'll give him props for that."
"Thank you, Telulah." Monogram said. "And next, the Golden Monogram award, the best award here. And not just because it looks amazing."
Monogram chuckled. No one else did.
"This award is given to the best agent in the field. And this year, the award goes to one of my own division, Perry the platypus."
Everyone clapped.
"Aw, do I have to get up?" Perry said. "My stomach hurts."
"Go on." Pinky said.
Perry walked up to Monogram and accepted the golden trophy modeled to look like Monogram.
"Would you like to say a few words?" Monogram asked. He handed the microphone to Perry.
"A few words." Perry said. He went to sit back down.
"Excellent acceptance speech." Monogram said. "Now, Peter the panda will present the Golden Bamboo award…"
"So, how has your field work been going?" Pinky asked.
"Good." Perry said. "Whoops, I set my trophy down on the mashed potatoes by accident."
The mashed potatoes began to deflate. They made a gurgling sound.
Pinky shuddered.
"I'm starting to think there aren't actually potatoes in this lump." Perry said. "You know Carl's cooking has been banned in three countries?"
...
Perry returned home exhausted and full. He crawled through the petflap and immediately crashed into Candace.
"PHINEAS AND FERB!" Candace shouted. "WHY IS YOUR UGLY PLATYPUS IN A TUXEDO?"
Perry drooled.
"I don't know, Candace." Phineas said, coming into the kitchen. "Maybe Ferb dressed him up."
"Well, he looks ridiculous. Get him out of here."
Phineas picked Perry up and carried him into his room.
Perry jumped out of Phineas's arms and flopped down on his pet bed. "Bleh."
"How was your awards thingy?" Phineas asked.
"Bubbling lump that had no potatoes in it, sixteen cupcakes when he wasn't looking, bee-covered fedora, rolling villains up in a ball. Oh, and I won a trophy shaped like Monogram. That was my night."
Perry loved being able to talk with the boys. Phineas had rigged up a translator that only he and Ferb could use after remembering the second dimension, and Perry had been communicating with them ever since. They were so much more understanding than the other agents.
"You look tired." Phineas patted him.
"It went on FOREVER." Perry said. "SO MANY AGENTS presented awards. SO MANY AGENTS won things. And I was just sitting there waiting for it to end so I could go home and sleep. Do you know how many hours I've been working for lately?"
"All I know is that you haven't been home very much."
"Days and days. Hours on end. I come home, nap for a couple hours, and then I work again at night."
"Why?"
"Doof's been super-active lately. I like him and all, but I'm so tired. I just want him to take a break. But evil never rests."
"When's your next break?"
"I have next-next weekend, and then I go another week until I have a full week off. And that's just if nothing happens that I need to go investigate."
"You should quit." Phineas said.
"Are you trying to be funny? I love my job. It's my second favorite thing to you and Ferb. If I'm not out there fighting evil, I go stir-crazy."
"I just mean, well, you need more breaks. You shouldn't get behind on sleep."
"Yeah… I'm really tired. I'm gonna sleep now, if you don't mind."
...
"Look at this picture of adorable baby pandas." Peter said.
He held up a photograph. Perry glanced at it and went back to his book.
"You seem more aloof these days." Darren said.
"I've always been aloof."
"He has." Peter said. "Just not so much the last few months."
"Look at that." Victor the vulture said. He was standing with Bentley the boar in a corner of the room. "It's a book full of all of the baby pictures of the agents."
"You were kind of cute." Bentley said.
"Nah." Victor flipped through the pages.
"Who's that?" Bentley asked.
"Some turkey agent named Terrence who used to work here." Victor said.
Perry narrowed his eyes. He tried to block out their conversation.
"What happened to him?" Bentley asked.
"Who knows? There's a rumor going around that he was rogue and Monogram fired him. There's this other rumor that he went crazy and is in an insane asylum or something."
"Funny thing about rumors." Perry growled, standing up. "They aren't fact."
"Oh, so he did die?" Victor asked. "I also heard he died. He forgot a step in a mission or something?"
"It's none of your business!" Perry snapped.
"Perry, calm down." Pinky said, putting a hand on him. "It's not worth it."
"What is your problem?" Victor asked.
"Just quit spreading rumors about him! The way he died-"
"Machine explosion?"
"SHUT UP, you blabbering idiot!"
"Don't get verbal with me!" Victor snapped.
"Perry, calm down." Pinky said.
Perry shoved him away and leapt on Victor. They grabbed hold of each other.
"Ooh, yay, I'll get popcorn!" Peter said, standing up.
"I like cheese popcorn!" Said Marlow.
Perry slammed Victor against the wall. Gadgets came crashing down over their heads. Perry felt sharp talons scrape against him, and he was shoved to the ground.
Undeterred, he jumped back up and threw punches. Victor dodged the first one, but the second one sent him flying into a table.
"STOP IT!" Pinky shouted. "PERRY! VICTOR! CUT IT OUT!"
The agents excitedly crowded around the fight and began to cheer. Bentley was still looking through the baby agent book, completely unaware of the great event going on in front of him.
Perry was just about to hit Victor in the nose when a hand grabbed him by the scruff of the neck. Carl snatched up Victor.
"How many TIMES am I going to have to PULL YOU OUT OF A FIGHT?" Monogram shouted in Perry's ear.
The agents stopped cheering. The room was completely silent, save for the sound of Peter innocently chewing on his popcorn.
"Go back to whatever you were doing." Monogram said sternly to the other agents.
Peter obeyed by continuing to eat his popcorn.