PLEASE READ: This fic has been stuck for a long time, so I've decided to revise it. I don't have a lot of knowledge of the wars and certain events that happened during them, neither am I good at action scenes or conjuring up excuses for Heero and Duo to be alone and without fighting for a couple weeks in the middle of a war. So, I've set the fic after the wars instead. I've tweaked some sentences and such, and added and / or changed some scenes, so I'm posting the revised edition. ONLY read what I've mentioned as being updated, otherwise the story may not make sense.

Author: nibun (nibun @ pacbell.net)
Disclaimer: You know the drill, I don't own em. *sniff* I may not own the characters or the GW Universe, but I do own this story I wrote! Please don't steal from me!
Warnings: Very mild shounen-ai, POV, slight language
Rating: PG?
Pairings: Very slight 2+1 (as of rite now)
Archive: My few meager fics can be found at Fanfiction.net, under the name nibun.
Feedback: As necessary to live as breathing and 1x2x1ness. ^_^ One-liners and whatever go to nibun @ pacbell.net.
Notes: As some of you know, I found the word lain at one source to mean "straightforwardness", but nowhere else. I think the plot of this story isn't going to deal so much with straightforwardness as I once thought it was, but I'd like to keep Lain as the title anyway. I just like the way it sounds. *sweatdrop* And it's my story so biiiiidah! XD XD

Lain ~ Prologue
Created: 8/15/01 Completed: 8/20/01
Revised: 8/22/02

I feel his eyes on me again. This time he's almost directly behind me; watching my reflection in the laptop's screen, perhaps? Or maybe he's studying the back of my head and shoulders with those bemused violet eyes of his. Either way, the feel of his gaze boring into me is unnerving. It's become more familiar since he began his little quest a few days ago, but the sensation still agitates me. I can feel the hairs all over my body stand on end, his breath a damp warmth rolling over the skin of my neck. I think he knows what he's doing to me, and that scares me. Yes, me, the so-called "Perfect Soldier." That title is bullshit, just like the persona that goes along with it. The danger in this situation lies in the fact that he realizes this, and he's doing his damnedest to prove it.

He's trying to break me. And you know what frightens me the most?

It's working.

***

I'm a curious person. I see something new, meet someone I don't understand, and I want to know what they're like, their history, how they think. I talk, ask questions, do research, whatever it takes. And usually I'm received somewhat amiably.

But not in this case. With Heero, I can't just ask a question and get a straight answer. Even if I ask him something as simple as his favorite food he'll just raise his eyebrow and glare, wondering why I would question him about something so trivial. But really, even the little things are important. They can tell you about a person, give you a vague idea of who they are. It's just that the larger questions will give a direct answer, tell you, "Yeah, this is how and why and who Heero Yuy is."

And you have to do other things, besides just asking questions. Observation can be the best way to learn about a person. When I watch Heero, I can see the way his muscles shift and tense in reaction to certain things, I can catch the odd glimpse of unfettered emotion that shows in those deep blue eyes of his. Believe me, they are deep. They're almost always shuttered, so you can never tell, but in those rare moments when the steel shades are drawn back, there's so many emotions swirling back there that it's impossible to see them all at once. I think that if he kept them open and vulnerable any longer than that split second, I wouldn't be able to tear myself away, and I'd be lost within his eyes perpetually. But then again, I don't think I would want to leave either; that's how deep his eyes are. I could stay an eternity just to learn the blueprints of Heero Yuy's soul, and not care if I ever found my way out.

So you see, Heero isn't a heartless bastard, though any stranger who happened a glance upon his blank, sometimes even virulent face would beg to differ. He has compassion, more than I think any of us realize. He couldn't kill Relena-ojousan, no matter how hard or how many times he tried, and he didn't kill me either. I was a liability at the time, I wasn't surprised that he came to kill me. Fix the leak before it could cause any damage, you know? But he didn't. And I see no logic in that course of action, no reasonable explanation other than the possibility that he cared. If not for me, then for my life. He didn't kill Relena, even though she knew who he was; I think it's because he realized she was innocent, he knew she wouldn't tell anyone of his identity. I wonder if perhaps he sees some of that same innocence in me.

But needless to say, Heero doesn't just go around killing everyone in sight. Unless they belong to an enemy, that is. He's already killed so many, I don't see why he would end the lives of those that don't deserve to die. He has a heart, a warm, blood-beating heart, and I have a feeling that it's much bigger than he lets on.

And so, that's what I'm trying to find out. Who Heero Yuy really is, why he acts as someone else, how he became the way he is. Maybe he'll learn something about himself along the way too. Most likely. All I know is that I want to know him. And I think, I want him to know me too. The thought, the very idea of both of us knowing every little intimate detail of the other's life and mind and soul, stirs something inside of me. And I can't help but wonder why I would want something so intimate with Heero, just that I do; the idea leaves a sort of excited trembling somewhere inside me, an eagerness that makes me swallow and lick my lips in anticipation. The concept intrigues me, he intrigues me. He's an enigma to me, one that I need to figure out. Through everything I have considered him my best friend, even as I know nearly nothing about him; now, I want to know those grueling details of his past, those emotions that lurk behind steeled eyes.

Heh, perhaps I'll be learning a bit more about myself along the way too.

But anyway, I've decided on three, no four different courses of action, four different ways to get under his skin, into his eyes, inside of his soul.

First of all, is to simply watch him, contemplate him, as I'm doing now. I know it irks the hell out of him, I know he feels my eyes boring into him like a physical presence on his skin. And that pleases me, because it's a reaction, it lets me know that I'm getting somewhere inside of him, breaking him. And while the idea of trying to break him seems rather cruel, trust me, it's not as sadistic as it sounds. My goal is to destroy the barriers that surround him, breaking him from the outside in. However, I am almost certain that there is a soft center buried inside there somewhere, so I must tread lightly. One wrong move and everything could backfire, Heero's faith in me, and as such, in anyone who would try to get close to him, shattered.

Number two is to ask questions, the tried and true method of psychologists everywhere. Subtle or direct, casual or personal, whichever happens to be appropriate at the time. However, there is such a thing as too much curiosity. If I pry too deep, I won't be the cat who gets killed because of it.

The third is affection. Kind words and compliments, physical contact, whatever. Just to make him feel good about himself, let him know that someone out there cares about him, 'cause they do, I do. I will not lie to him and flatter him with comments that I don't believe are true. But perhaps by him knowing that I do not lie, such actions and words could help him feel better about himself, feel as if he has worth in this world. I have a feeling this boy has known little or no love in his lifetime, and to be honest, that scares the hell out of me. Even if it was short-lived -- in more ways than one -- I've known love, I've given and received it. I don't think I'd be able to live this life if I'd never experienced it, and it makes me wonder how he can. [1]

The fourth, is one of the hardest for me to act out. To tell Heero about myself, throw down my own masks and show him how deep my eyes can be. I speak of my past to no one, none know the sanctity of certain things that pervade my every-day life. But when the time is right, I'll show myself to Heero, piece by piece. I'll let him know me, I'll bear every aching inch of my very soul to him, if it should provide him with some source of comfort, if it should make him feel that he is not alone in this world.

This is how much I want to know Heero Yuy.

~Tsuzuku~

[1] This is in reference to Solo, Father Maxwell, Sister Helen, etc. He's talking about any kind of love (e.g. familial), not just romantic love.