Kirk went up to the bridge and sat in his chair, trying to ignore the mess in the room. Those little devils known as tribbles had returned to the Enterprise. There were small piles of them on the floor and dozens of loose ones scattered here and there. The tribbles loved everybody but they seemed to have a special bond with Uhura. She cradled them lovingly in her hands and planted kisses on their tiny heads. Spock, on the other hand, was more or less immune to the tribbles' captivating charms.

Kirk picked up a tribble and let it rest on his knee.

"Mr. Spock, I would like to have a census. I want to know exactly how many of these tribbles are aboard my ship."

"Immediately, Captain," the Vulcan replied.

"Also, I think I might enjoy reading a detailed report about how these tribbles got on my bridge," Kirk added, glancing at Uhura.

Spock looked down at the tribble in Kirk's lap. He raised an eyebrow. "Excuse me, Captain?"

"Yes, Mr. Spock? What is it?"

"I believe that tribble has just had an accident in your lap."

Kirk froze for a moment. He looked down and saw that his lap was covered in pee.

"Oh, God. I need a towel! Can someone bring me a towel?" Kirk said, as he stood up and brought the tribble over to Uhura. He held it as far away from him as possible.

"Lieutenant, can you please keep your fuzzy friends from relieving themselves on me or anywhere else on my bridge?"

"Yes, Captain, I will certainly try," answered the dark-skinned woman.

Kirk went to the bathroom to clean himself up. He was washing his hands when he heard a purring sound from overhead. He slowly looked upwards and saw hundreds of tribbles stuck on the ceiling. Before Kirk could react, the tribbles urinated all at the same time. Kirk got hit right in his face with a shower of pee. It filled his eyes, ears, nose, and mouth.

After being doused, Kirk began staggering around blindly and bumped his head on the door. "Ow!"

Finally, he found a towel and dried his face. He noticed that his uniform was also drenched with the yellow fluid. "Great, now I have to take a whole shower."

By time Kirk got out of the shower, it was lunchtime. He headed downstairs to the food machine and told it that he wanted a hamburger and coffee. Within seconds, the meal was ready. Kirk picked up the hamburger and took a bite. It tasted funny. He took another bite and chewed slower. Why does this hamburger taste so strange? he wondered, taking another bite.

Suddenly, McCoy rushed into the room. "Jim, wait! Don't eat the…"

Kirk looked at him with a hangdog expression. McCoy noticed the half-eaten hamburger in his hand and groaned in despair.

"Don't eat…what, Bones?"

McCoy shook his head. "Ah, too late, I see."

Kirk swallowed the last of his bite, a feeling of dread growing in his stomach. "Bones…what's going on?"

"Jim, I wish you hadn't started eating that burger."

"But why? What's wrong with it?"

"Oh…how can I say this…"

Kirk was becoming impatient. "Spit it out! That's an order."

McCoy nodded and took a deep breath. "Right. Well, you know how those tribbles have been everywhere lately?"

"Yes…"

"Jim, there's a whole nest of them living in the food machine."

Kirk's eyes grew wide. He swallowed hard as he glanced at the half-eaten burger. "Bones…w-what are you trying to tell me?"

"The meat in that hamburger is tribble defecation."

Kirk almost threw up right then and there. His stomach was churning. He looked at the burger in his shaking hand. No wonder it tasted so strange.

McCoy came over and put a hand on Kirk's shoulder. "I'm sorry, Jim. I got over here as fast as I could to warn you. Is there anything I can do for you?"

"A bucket…now."

The End