So, here's something. I feel like Maura is flirting with me. Or attracted, I can't really tell.
No, no, listen. I know she's affectionate and generally touchy feely but the past few days, I've been noticing that it's gone a little over the top. She's my best friend and I shouldn't be thinking of her in this kind of way but when Maura purposely sits on your lap to reach for something on my right instead of just asking me to hand it to her, it's going to make you think.
Even my mother, who's the biggest cheerleader of my friendship with Maura, noticed. She pulled me from our weekly family dinner and confirmed if Maura was holding my hand underneath the table. I told my mother that she was and asked if it was a problem. She didn't answer which concerned me because Angela Rizzoli is nothing but vocal about what she feels.
Every day for the past month, Maura insists that I sleep over. After the first week, I already had to bring a suitcase full of my cheap and ill-fitting clothes. My furniture was absent but we were practically living together. Jo Friday loved her home as well, even though she's been on it a couple times before. We would go to work in one car and when there isn't anything to do aside from trashcan basketball and bullshit reports; we would go home together as well. Food was one of my favourite things in this arrangement. Maura was an amazing cook and would feed me nutritious and tasty meals. I would do the dishes, sometimes my Ma when she eats with us and then we would retire to the living room or the bedroom.
When we're alone in the living room, Maura snuggles into me like a koala to a tree while we watch a movie. I value personal space but I don't find it suffocating if I'm honest. It's quite nice. She always smells amazing, her skin is so soft and the feel of her body against mine is comforting. Sometimes, she would look up and casually kiss me on the cheek before going back to her head's permanent placement, my chest. It always makes me blush so I'm thankful she turns away. Sometimes, she would reach for my hand to wrap it around her shoulder. I will instinctively rub my hand against her arms and she'll hum her approval. It was like this for more times than I can count.
Maura has a couple of rooms in her house but she suggested from the first night that I sleep in her bed. Really, she didn't have to force me to sleep beside her. Her bed does wonders for my back. Plus, I like cuddling with her... you know, horizontally. I never touch her inappropriately, mind you. I have the utmost respect for her so I just go with what she wants me to do. Usually, she sleeps on my chest with our legs tangled together. Her left arm would be on my waist and her right would be clasped with mine. It sounds uncomfortable but in reality it isn't. Like I said, it was nice. Her presence and that damn Jasmine scent lulls me to sleep instantly.
Waking up is a little different. We somehow get even closer throughout the night and I wake up to interesting positions. One time, she had her hand on my breast, the other she was right on top of me with her head deeply buried in my neck. Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining but, it is somewhat weird manoeuvring out of it. It's Maura's alarm clock's fault that I'm even waking up this early.
As stated before, I started to take notice when she literally sat in my lap just to get the remote. She even flipped her hair, something not very Maura and winked at me. What was that? I blushed and was sufficiently uncomfortable afterwards. Maura didn't mention anything about the fact that I was ram rod straight throughout the night.
Suddenly, I looked at our relationship with different glasses. It was different. When we would eat outside, she would hold my hand while we waited for the food. She would sidle up to me and wrap her arms around mine when we're walking on the street. She would wipe off ketchup that somehow always squirts on my face when I would eat a burger. She would check out my outfit every morning, knowing full well that it's not her kind of fashionable and that it really doesn't change. Maura would even touch my shoulder and hold my neck as she tells me I look beautiful. My hair is a rat's nest, I don't wear make-up and my face is cut very masculine. How is that pretty?
And the kisses.
Kissing on the cheek, we've done since the dawn of time. Her kisses now? They are verging on a full on lip lock. It was always too close to my lips. She went from the vicinity of cheek bone to the side of my mouth. Maura would even hold gaze with me after every kiss. It turns my insides into mush and I have to hold on to her to prevent sliding on the floor. I tested it one time and did the same, I kissed her too close to her pout. Her reaction was to touch my jaw to keep our faces close.
For a normal person, that would've been a clear indicator of attraction. But this is Maura. My best friend, Maura. The woman who has been there for me through everything. The woman who has saved my life a couple times. The woman who I can't see myself without in any capacity. I don't want to make a mistake. I don't want to make a decision that could change our relationship forever. I don't want to lose her. If I go there, she might pull away and never want to talk to me again. I cannot live with that.
The other side of the situation is the one I've been tampering down.
What if she really wants me romantically? What if we can be together finally and live forever? Even thinking about it puts the biggest smile on my face. Premature yes, but I want to eventually marry her. I'm essentially already living the life I'm going to have with her and I love it. It's all I've ever wanted. Hello rock and a hard place, my name is Jane Rizzoli. Looks like I'm going to be here for a while.
Does it sound like I'm already sure of my feelings? The answer would be hell yeah. I already thought about it. One too many times, if I was going to be honest. It's not as easy as I make it sound here. I went through different stages. The first was ending the notion that I was straight. While I found my time with men enjoyable, I think I was only ever with them because it was what society expects you to be. Also, my mother has been pushing boys my way since I can remember. Had my family been a little more open and I not a herd of sheep, I might have dated women. I appreciate a beautiful woman I think more than I appreciate a good looking man. A couple more days of soul searching and I was able to confirm it. I was a lesbian. And yes, I did the affirmations on the mirror to make it easier to digest. Not when Maura was around, of course.
The next stage was the one that worried me. My work, since I didn't have your quintessential blonde hair, blue eyes and big tits, I was branded a dyke as soon as I got in the academy. It hurt but not because of the moniker, it's because they were so quick to judge me based on my looks. Once I come out, I will be nothing more than a walking stereotype. Everyday interaction with douche bag co-workers and even more douche bag criminals was already hard enough.
If I add the fact of me being a lesbian to the mix, could I really survive it? More importantly, could Maura survive it? She didn't have to run with the kind of big dogs I had to run with. I don't want her to get insults like 'You just haven't been with the right man.' or 'I'll show you what she can never do.'.
I want to protect Maura as much as possible. If that happens, I will not be responsible for all the punches I'd throw. How are we going to be if we ever got together? A continuous uphill battle with our bigoted society? Forgive me for generalising. I'm just thinking of the worst of it. Thinking of this gave me a headache that Maura asked what was going on. To make me feel better, she started rubbing my shoulders and gave me a massage. Being with her destroyed every fear I conjured up to oblivion. Fuck society. If I can be with Maura like this forever, I'll take it.
The last and the most important, surprisingly, my family. We are Catholics. Bible thumping Catholics. Well, at least my mother is. As soon as I can skip out of church, I did. I was much too mischievous for it. So did my little brothers. Crap, I forgot about them. Tommy had this huge crush on her and well, Frankie kissed Maura. Some really awkward family dinners will be ahead of us if we get together. The two of them are mickey compared to my mother, however. I'm a grown ass adult but with the matters of whom I will spend the rest of my life, I will inevitably need her approval. I want her to be okay with Maura being my one and done. That's the one that keeps me up at night at times. Will she shun me? Will she blame herself for the path that I'm taking? Will I have to choose between my family and my happiness? God, I hope not.
This has all been weighing down on me for quite some time. I wish I could talk to Maura as I take this journey of self-discovery but I can't tell her just yet. I have to be sure this won't all blow up in my face. I need to know once and for all if she's just my friend who's naturally flirty or my friend who is flirting with me. The rest I can face when it comes. I have a job too, you know. I don't just sit in coffee shops early in the morning and think about all this. Speaking of jobs, in coming.
'Good morning, Detective Rizzoli...'
Author's Notes: This a multi chapter so if you're curious, give this one a follow so you won't miss a chapter. Sorry for sounding like a youtuber just now. Updates will be a little more than 24 hours because it's still being written.
Beta'd by LauraTheChef :)