A/N: So this is just a bit of goofiness based off things I've done with my own friends. It might turn into something more but right now it's standing as a one-shot. Also thoughts and suggestions are more than welcome!
Disclaimer: Don't own Bleach or any of its characters.
One Night
"C'mon Nownow. Jusss one drink," Rangiku slurs while shoving a sloshing shot glass in Nanao's face.
"No," She says with an exasperated sigh. She has been fending off Matsumoto's pathetic attempts to get her to drink since they got here two hours ago.
"It's not going to work Ran. Just leave her alone," Yoruichi says while taking the shot from Matsumoto's hand. Wasting alcohol is a sacrilege.
"Why did you bring your boring ass kid sister anyway?" Kūkaku asks after downing her twelfth shot of whiskey. The woman is a tank.
"Because we needed a designated driver and you'll probably need someone sober to bail you out," Lisa answers coolly then sips her long island iced tea.
"Why the fuck would I need to be bailed out?" Kūkaku demands.
Lisa levels her turquoise blue eyes at Kūkaku and calmly answers, "Because you're a dumb fuck that likes to pick fights when you're drunk."
They stare at one another seriously for less than a minute before Kūkaku bursts out laughing causing Lisa to chuckle. Nanao shakes her head, never understanding her sister's friendship with this woman.
"Nel isn't back yet?" Yoruichi asks ignoring their usual silliness.
"Sshe jusss went ta tha bafroom," Matsumoto slurs while trying to give Nanao another shot. Nanao takes it causing Matsumoto to think she gained a victory, but then quietly slips it to Yoruichi as Matsumoto turns to order more drinks.
"Yeah but that was like 20 minutes ago. I'll go look for her," Yoruichi replies worriedly.
"Maybe she found some dude to ride again," Kukaku offers.
Yoruichi shakes her head anxiously and makes her way to the bathrooms. Nanao runs up next to her and silently explains her need for escape with a backward glance at Matsumoto. They weave through the crowd and find a small line to the ladies room. While walking past it slowly, they check for Nel's unique features. No luck. They head inside cutting off the grumbles and loud complaints of line-cutting. The bathroom is full of women fixing themselves but Yoruichi notices a pretty raven-haired girl with honey eyes who is reapplying her lipstick, before anyone else. The girl smiles politely and Yoruichi makes a mental note to find her later as she winks back.
"They are real!" Nel exclaims, bringing Yoruichi and Nanao's attention to the small group in the corner by the last stall.
Nel stands in the middle, naked from the waist up, being held by some girl with short, messy, blonde hair, while another girl stands in front of her fondling her boobs gleefully. The blonde appears to be trying to pull Nel back and dress her at the same time. But Nel is struggling against her. Yoruichi takes in the ridiculousness and laughs loudly. Nanao rolls her eyes. Nel looks up, instantly recognizing Yoruichi's voice and grins widely.
"Oh my God Yo‼ Tell this skank my tits are real!" She calls while staggering over to Yoruichi and Nanao. They catch her before she falls. The blonde that was holding her up walks over with Nel's shirt and bra, offering it silently to Yoruichi.
"Thanks," Yoruichi manages to get out around her laugh. The blonde nods kindly and then tries to help dress Nel, who is shrugging off Yoruichi and Nanao's efforts.
"I'm not putting my fucking clothes on until you set this bitch straight!" Nel declares while pointing at the girl who is now wearing a slightly annoyed look.
"Everything on her is natural. Even the weird green hair color. And yes, the carpet matches the drapes," Yoruichi automatically, having experience with this debate other times. Nel sticks her tongue out victoriously and snatches her clothes.
Nel's opponent concedes with a careless shrug of her shoulders, before exiting.
After she is dressed, Nel pushes her way to the mirror and fixes herself before allowing Yoruichi, Nanao and the mystery blonde to lead her from the bathroom.
They get back to the table and Nel immediately launches into her tale of stripping to prove her honor. The blonde makes to leave once she is satisfied that Nel is settled but Yoruichi stops her departure with a hand on her shoulder.
"Thanks for protecting our friend. She gets incredibly feisty when drunk. I'm Yoruichi by the way," She says extending her hand. Yoruichi gets a chance to check her out better. Tall, enticing toned body, lovely tanned skin, intense green eyes, and a stoic expression on her face. Just her type.
"Harribel," She replies shortly as she firmly grasps Yoruichi's hand.
"And OH MY GOD! My knight in sexy armor," she points at Harribel, "totally tried to keep my clothes on but I had to prove a bitch wrong. I had to handle the haters!" Nel exclaims. Matsumoto is slurring her agreement on handling the haters while pushing another shot towards Nanao, who pushes it to Nel, who drinks it and continues her story without skipping a beat. Kūkaku is cackling loudly and Lisa is shaking her head critically but her eyes twinkle with barely contained laughter.
"Let me buy you a drink. A valiant knight deserves a reward for such noble deeds," Yoruichi says with a flirtatious grin and a wink.
"I'm designated…"
"Another boring asshole! What the fuck is the world coming to!" Kūkaku interjects quickly after hearing Harribel's reply.
"…but maybe another time," She offers carefully.
Yoruichi smiles and writes her number down. They make their promises to meet up soon and Harribel leaves to regroup with her own friends.
"Well well well. Looks like whore-uichi is finally coming out to play," Kūkaku sneers earning an eye roll from her friend.
"You're just jealous because dudes AND ladies want me," Yoruichi says with a taunting grin.
"Hooker please. I pull dudes just as well. You can have your little muff divers." Kūkaku responds indifferently.
"You get guys but not the way we do," Lisa adds coolly.
"Oh really? When's the last time you even talked to a dude, let alone, fucked one?" Kūkaku asks harshly.
"I think a few months ago…" she answers with a ponderous look, trying to remember the exact time and who.
"See! It's been so long that your bitch ass can't even remember! I got dick last week and you wanna talk your shit," Kūkaku retorts smugly.
"I got some last night, which only proves my point," Yoruichi says trying to defend Lisa.
"Both of you shut the fuck up already and order more drinks. We need to toast to my amazing victory!" Nel yells happily, and then clinks glasses with Matsumoto's, who's on the verge of passing out.
"Ok Yo. Let's make a bet. You pick any guy in here and I'll sleep with them tonight. When I make this happen, you let me drive that sweet ass Porsche of yours," Kūkaku proposes with a challenging smirk.
"That's way too easy. How about I pick a girl?" Yoruichi counters with her own mischievous smirk.
"Fuck that bullshit! I'll just admit whatever the fuck you want me to and move on," Kūkaku concedes.
"Pussy," Lisa mumbles.
"You have me fucking confused with Yo and her eating habits," Kūkaku shoots back earning another eye roll from Yoruichi.
"Come up with new jokes shit head," Yoruichi snaps.
"It's a classic and oh so fucking true. You might as well go full on taco muncher since you haven't been with a dude in God knows how long," Kūkaku says with a cheerful grin at Yoruichi's irritation.
"She still manages to get laid more often than you," Nanao murmurs.
"Aren't you still a boring ass virgin?" Kūkaku asks mockingly.
"No. I'm not actually," Nanao confesses calmly.
"Hold up! When the fuck did that happen? And who the fuck with? And why the fuck are we just now finding out about this?" Kūkaku slightly shouts, surprised at this new bit of information.
"It happened and that is all you need to know," Nanao returns with the barest of smiles.
"Fuck that! Start talking or I will beat it out of you," Kūkaku threatens.
"Touch her and you'll find yourself missing more than your sanity," Lisa declares calmly, but the promise of pain is clear.
"Try it skank and I'll…." Kūkaku barks back.
"Calm the fuck down!" Yoruichi commands while shoving Kūkaku back down in her chair, "It's her business. You don't need to know every little fucking thing." She finishes trying to diffuse the sudden tension.
"You want to know just as badly as I do. Don't act fucking diplomatic," Kūkaku says with minor annoyance.
Yoruichi takes a few sips of Matsumoto's forgotten adios, "Yeah I do but I'm not going to force it out of her. I also wouldn't tell you shit if I were her."
"Just tell us so you can shut this hatin' bitch up and then savor the victory!" Nel chimes in with an excited bounce in her chair.
"Who's fucking hatin'? I just wanna…"
Matsumoto's loud fall to the floor stops further discussion. They stare for a second before Nel's girly giggles causes everyone to laugh. Matsumoto looks around confusedly before passing out again. Yoruichi, Nanao and Lisa work together to pick the strawberry blonde up. Nel lends a hand and replaces one of Matsumoto's breasts back in its bra after it managed to escape in her inelegant fall. They all silently agree to call it a night and make their way out the door.
"This discussion isn't over," Kūkaku remarks as she holds the bar door open for her friends.
"Once this drunk bitch is home, you can worry about Nanao's sex life being better than yours. Until then, shut the fuck up," Yoruichi snarls as they make their way slowly to the car.
For once, she listens.