He was lucky, wasn't he? He, unlike the other Nobodies, had found his original self and was able to return to him. He didn't have to fade into nothing like all of the others. He should count himself fortunate like Namine' did. Everything was finally over now, right? He wouldn't have to worry any longer about what would happen the next day. He knew exactly what would happen.
Life had now become a cycle to Roxas. Not that it wasn't in the Organization, but now it was so...peaceful. He hadn't told anyone that he sort of liked the excitement of having to fight for survival. It brought a thrill to him. It made his "existence" almost "enjoyable." If Nobodies could "exist" or "enjoy" things, that is.
Strike that. He had told someone that information. It had been so long ago, Roxas had almost forgotten. Ha, forgotten. He had forgotten his previous life before, it wouldn't make much of a difference anyhow. Life wasn't his to live anymore; it was Sora's. Now that he was back with Sora, it was likely that he now depended on his Somebody for survival.
It would serve him right. Hadn't he been the one to leave the Organization to find out why he had the Keyblade? Wasn't that pretty much just saying that he wanted to find Sora? He couldn't blame his former friends for attacking Sora. He was now a traitor in their eyes. The enemy.
It was a moment like this where Roxas was left to wonder why had he done it? He knew exactly why he had done it, he just couldn't believe how dense he really was. It was almost funny to look at his mistakes. Almost funny in a hollow sort of way. Life was now ironic. There were no more surprises, no more exciting moments that made you have to rethink things. He could feel Sora's excitement, but feeling and experiencing are two very different things.
What had made him stay in the Organization in the first place? It certainly wasn't the food or rooms. Perhaps it was getting to master his abilities with the Keyblade, or maybe it was the security that it gave him. He knew that where he was, he couldn't be harmed by Heartless, no matter how relentless they were. But that wasn't the reason. Of course, Roxas knew the reason every time, he just always tried to find a new reason.
It was Axel.
Maybe it wasn't the best reason, but the redhead had made him feel safe, much more than the other members put together. He made him feel different than he usually did. He could talk to Axel like he couldn't with anyone else. They could joke around without anyone else. It would just be the two of them, and Roxas preferred it that way. He was "sad" when Vexen, Zexion, Lexaeus, Marluxia, and even a little for Larxene, when they all died. But as long as He knew that Axel had come back from that mission alive, he wouldn't have cared if Xigbar and Xaldin went, too.
Did Axel make him feel like he had a heart? Roxas couldn't answer that. He couldn't remember what it was like to actually have a heart, so he couldn't know if being with Axel made him feel like he had a heart. He felt better when Axel was around, if that meant anything.
Truth be told, Roxas probably wouldn't have even minded having these self-pity conversations with himself if he wasn't always painfully reminded that the man who made him feel so safe, so happy, was dead. And it was all his fault. It was all his fault for leaving, for making Axel come after him.
Roxas knew that Axel wasn't afraid to kill. He had easily killed Vexen without any regret, and he plenty capable to kill Roxas at any time. But for some odd reason, he kept prolonging the chase. He probably could've also easily captured him, but for some reason, he held back his strength. He refused to hurt him, something that Roxas couldn't quite comprehend. If Axel was so mad at him, why didn't he just bring him back or even kill him? Did he know that Roxas had something else, something more important, to do. Yeah, bring back the Weilder of the Keyblade so that he can kill your boss. He was a big help to Nobodies everywhere. If anything, he basically got the rest of the Nobodies unemployed.
People would still lose their hearts, it was almost inevitable, wasn't it? Why couldn't the Nobodies get their own hearts so that they could live like normal people. Right, they already had their chance; darkness consumed their hearts, so why should they get a second chance?
It didn't really bother Roxas either way. He was stuck inside of Sora now. He was basically given another chance, another life. But for what purpose? All of his friends were dead. He had nothing left. How could he expect to be happy when he had no one to confide his secrets into, to complain about life to, to just talk to?
Roxas mused to himself how Sora would react if he were in the same predicament as Roxas. He probably wouldn't handle himself any differently, maybe even worse than Roxas. It wasn't fair. He had done nothing, he hadn't been the one to lose his heart, he hadn't been the one wielding the Keyblade...
And yet, he was still the wretched Nobody that needed to be disposed of because he was planning mass destruction. So they just needed to capture him, take away all of his memories of his friends, and place him in a world that he nothing of. Give him some false memories, he'll never know the difference. He wouldn't care either way. That's because he's just some Nobody that doesn't deserve to try and survive.
But he was alive. A lot of good it did him. But he had to admit, he wasn't so much mad at Sora as he was at Axel.
It was a surprising thought, and it even came as a surprise to Roxas when he first came upon the thought, but he finally realized that he was angry at his best friend. Why? It seemed for a split second that he thought that Sora and Roxas were the same.
"He made me feel like I had a heart. It's kind of funny...You make me feel the same..."
That thought annoyed, aggravated, infuriated...and even hurt Roxas. Yeah, he had been there. If he reminded Axel so much of Sora, even though they act nothing alike, it's only obvious that he would've been witnessing his best friend's death!
First of all, Axel couldn't feel. He was a Nobody. So obviously, he had some sort of connection with Roxas that only the two of them shared. That part was understandable. But he barely even knew Sora, the Keyblade master who acted nothing like Roxas. They were polar opposites, so how could they remind Axel of each other? Roxas made him feel like he had a heart. That was nice, but he was just being replaced by Sora if they made him feel the same way. Roxas wasn't needed anymore...
He hadn't shed a tear over it. He had learned not to care in that sort of way. But he did care, and that was the hard part. He cared that the only thing that truly meant something to him in life, his own best friend, so easily replaced him with his Somebody.
Which was it? Was Roxas slowly starting to act like Sora? Or Sora like Roxas? Or maybe after their last fight, Axel chose to forget about him. "Let's meet again in the next life..." What was he supposed to do now?
He felt betrayed, which he probably shouldn't, but it just didn't seem fair to Roxas. It was a silly argument, there was no doubt about it, but Axel was his only support, even if he didn't know it. There was even a part of him that felt slightly used. Not just by Axel...by Xemnas, the Organization, DiZ, Sora, even Kairi and Namine' depended on him for Sora to wake up. And Riku...this was his fault, too.
If there was ever a way to redo anything, Roxas would wonder, what would he change? Would he change entering the Organization? Befriending Axel? Leaving the Organization? Going back to Sora? Those events, those memories, were his and his alone. He wouldn't give them up, no matter how much they hurt him. He wanted to be selfish about this, say that Sora deserved all of this to happen to him, but he couldn't bring himself to.
Not that it would affect anything in any way, but he couldn't want for someone else to have to experience what he did. It was almost unbearable, no matter how strong he was. Sora would probably crack...
Life, as Luxord had always warned, was a gamble. There was no way to determine its outcome, no way to figure out what would happen next. Yes, to gamble means to want a favorable outcome, and at certain times he did. But there was always room for disappointment, and he certainly got enough of that. Yet there was a certain part of Roxas that was okay with what happened, another part that was upset.
Sora still needed to go on, that was his purpose. That was what he was needed to do, and he would continue his purpose until Sora takes his last breath. And then, maybe then, will he finally get to see Axel again in the next life.
A. N.: With this somewhat depressing story, we need to all start praying that Tetsuya Nomura will bring back Axel for the upcoming K H 3, which has finally been confirmed, and Axel and Roxas can live happily ever after. The End. I hope.