Same Difference

Disclaimer: Katekyo Hitman Reborn does not belong to me.

You're fighting the thunderous rain in an effort to sit up, straining to see through the storm. You are incapable of walking; a bullet has buried itself into your thigh and another has penetrated through your calf.

You are in a dark, forsaken alleyway, and the people in black are littered across the ground – the result of the battle. The remaining one has fled with the small shimmer of his Family's silver crest in his wake.

You are soaked in red (thankfully, most of it is not yours), and your breath is coming in short gasps. You rip a piece of fabric from your pants with trembling hands and bind it around the bleeding area on your leg. Your jacket has been tied around Yamamoto's chest to pressurize the wound, and your shirt, stripped in pieces to stop the flow of blood on the Tenth's head. The two of them lay beside you, as gory as you are, and you watch in extreme horror as life slowly slips away from them with each passing second.

This is my fault.

You curse yourself for turning up too late.

The Tenth is unconscious, and has been for the past half hour. Yamamoto is slowly drifting away.

Yamamoto, not yakyuu baka, not when he had taken the first bullet for your boss.

You refuse to let him sleep. "Hang on," you urged him, fear-consumed and shaking. "Just a bit longer!"

He manages to rasp out a laugh. His sword is temporarily forgotten a few feet away. "Get Tsuna out of here." His eyes are steadily closing.

"I will, and you too, so don't - !" You start to panic. "Don't fall asleep, don't - ! Open your eyes NOW, DAMMIT!"

You cannot reach him anymore.

It is Hibari who comes to the rescue.

Hibird, it seems, had been patrolling the town. Upon arriving on the scene, its master has already brought with him the medical team and the police force. For once, he makes no comment on herbivores or weaklings, to which you silently appreciates.

As the three of you are carried away to the hospital, you shut your eyes and pray.

Two days later, the Tenth is finally awake.

The doctor is outside his room, and he is saying something, something in simple Japanese that you just can't understand.

Hibari turns and leaves as soon as the doctor is done.

Kyoko and Haru are looking away.

Lambo is blinking with bemusement written all over his face.

Ryouhei is eerily silent.

Chrome is not there.

You are stuttering; you are unable to wrap your mind around it.

"W-what...?"

Wednesday. A week after the ambush by the unknown mafia Family, and you're back in the overly-cramped hellhole filled with idiots known as school, scribbling nonsense at the back of your Math test.

Yamamoto is still in the hospital, but the Tenth does not know that, and you will not tell him, not until Yamamoto is up and well and grinning that flashy smile again.

You feel guilty, but you are sure that your fellow guardian will understand the necessity of it. The need to keep the Tenth in dark for now.

You sneak a glance at your boss three columns and two rows away and see him rubbing out his answers with a jumpy and anxious expression. Some distance away Kyoko has finished her paper and is, too, peeking sideways at the Tenth. You are reminded of how the rest of class simply do not care on the first day you returned, how the bullying has even aggravated in the lack of your presence, and are grateful for her concern.

At break, you see Kyoko leading the Tenth towards your desk. You rise immediately, for that is the proper way of greeting the boss.

And then you remember.

Ah.

The girl leaves with a final word of encouragement. The Tenth is gazing down with his hands behind his back, looking rather flustered.

"Ah, Gokudera-san?"

You are taken aback at the use of honorific, but you let it slide.

"Sasagawa-san says that we were - are friends," the Tenth begins, shifting uncomfortably, "and that you were there too when...it...happened. I - I'm sorry I don't remember anything about that night...and I don't remember...you...either..." His eyes are shut now, and his voice very, very small. "B-but, I hope we can still hang out together sometimes, uh, get to know each other again…"

You stare, and you realize just how painful it can be for the both of you.

It is Friday after school, and you offer to walk the Tenth home. You have decided to re-establish your bond with him step by step. You smile when he gladly accepts.

The journey to the Sawada Residence is a hurricane of dynamites, bullets and total wreckage.

This time you have come prepared; you have upgraded your weapons and sharpened your skills in the short period of seven days. You push the Tenth behind yourself ("Leave this to me") and the bombs you hurl are of a hundred percent accuracy. The enemy is not from the family with the silver crest and is foolish enough to send only two members on the mission.

It ends fairly quickly.

The past Tenth would thank you and have something to say about your constancy of putting yourself in danger for his sake, but this Tenth, this Tenth is gaping in horror and fright at both you and the bodies on the ground, and it hits you that oh shit, nothing will ever be the same anymore.

"Gokudera-san!" The Tenth acknowledges you with the air of a startled rabbit on edge, looking up at your approaching figure with that anxious, hesitant smile. You flinch inwardly, your chest suddenly too tight, but you say nothing about the words "Gokudera-san" sounding so wrong on the Tenth's lips…

You decide that you owe him an explanation about the attack on Friday. You hope the weekend has been sufficient for him to settle temporarily any terrors that have inflicted upon his soul. So you tell him what you must and avoid what you mustn't.

"I want to say thank you, I guess," the Tenth says timidly, when your voice finally drifts away, "for protecting me back there. And know I should have said it sooner, but…"

He looks away with a slightly traumatized expression, and in the one moment his eyes are fully on you see that they are haunted by exploding dynamites and bloodshed.

And something within you shatters, because no boss should by any means regard his right hand man with such fear and uncertainty, not when he is supposed to be the boss most-trusted subordinate.

Because this is the Tenth, and the Tenth is not supposed to look at you like that.

You want to believe that the incident never happened, that nothing has changed, that time heals and the memories will gradually return, but you look into that cowering gaze, those wide brown eyes that lacked the fire and resolve to protect, and doubt forms in your heart.

You will never admit it, but sometimes you wonder if this Tenth is still the boy you vowed to follow for the rest of your life. You will end up beating yourself for it, because, you remind yourself once again, of your pledged loyalty on that dynamite-littered schoolyard that remains singed and battered to this day.

Tenth. It has always been the Tenth since then.

You cannot call him Tsuna; you will never forget what he has done for you (even though that recollection is no more to the Tenth), but you refuse to drag him back into the Mafia world where he has so desperately tried to escape from.

You will not call him the Tenth anymore. No, not when the name is so much a painful reminder of the hell Reborn-san has brought upon him. You understand now, the many times the Tenth has tried to deny his place on the Vongola's throne, all those resisting and reluctant gazes he has shot towards his tutor and yourself…they have all been futile, fatalistic attempts to run away, done purely for the sake of his own conscience.

You...

...you will tap him on the shoulder whenever you want his attention.

Yes.

That will be enough.

It hurts, especially when you've been in darkness for so long, and you're slowly losing hope. At the back of your mind you register that there may no longer be any boss for you to be right-hand man to. But the cold truth has presented itself to you, (what kind of right-hand man are you to not to have known sooner?), and any excruciating ache you feel simply cannot be compared to what the Tenth had suffered under your devotion-blinded ignorance and Reborn-san's firm, rigorous will to accomplish his mission.

You will continue to protect the Tenth, because with memories or no the Tenth remains the successor of the Vongola, and attempts on the boss's life will not cease until the very end.

You will continue to protect him, and it does not matter that the sands of euphoria are forever lost to him. It should not affect your stance, whatsoever, by the Tenth's right side.

It is what you convince yourself.

You tell the Tenth frankly that he will find himself in constant danger. You warn him of potential attackers, because this is what he must know. Yet you do not tell him why. You make up excuses that are weak even to your own ears. Your voice drops to a whisper unconsciously as you explain that it is something he must remember by himself.

And secretly, despite all, you fervently hope he does.

You finish by telling him that you will be escorting him to and from school each day. You wait, your eyes slightly out of focus, because you do not feel as if you're really there, because everything that comes out of your mouth is so foreign and distant.

The Tenth's eyes are wide. There is a tremor in his posture that he is clearly trying to hide, but that is all. He nods meekly, he accepts, and raises not a single question against the assassination attempts or your enduring presence beside him. You note with growing unease that this Tenth is too docile, too trusting, so similar and yet not quite to the past Tenth who believed and doubted the precise things that made him the Tenth.

You stand firm at your position by his side. You sense his discomfort, but you do not leave him.

Five days later, you are forced to conclude:

This is not the Tenth you know.

Occasional attacks still happen. Sometimes you escape unscathed, other times you limp away with a broken rib. You are always there for him, a violent storm that clears his path, and his reaction as he finds himself standing in the blood of his enemies has not changed.

You register sadly that your friendship with him is turning for the worse.
The day everything turns upside-down is also the day when the Tenth comes before you during lunch period. He is not looking at you.
"I'm sorry, Gokudera-san. But please don't walk me to school or back home anymore."

So you do not flank him as he leaves the school gates alone and walks off into the fading sunset (cleaning duty has delayed his departure). But you do watch him from a distance, hidden from all sight and ever ready, because foes are lurking in the shadows, waiting to strike.

You are not mistaken.

It is God's gift that you are sensitive to even the smallest of sounds. The second you react is the moment a dark figure leaps out of the bushes –
– only to be immediately taken down by a fan of homing dynamites.

The body crashes to the ground, almost as loud as the explosions themselves, and the Tenth turns in shock. He is greeted by thick smoke and a burnt smell in the air, and he knows.

"Gokudera-san!" His voice is full of disbelief and laced with anger. "What –"

But there is no time, and you are already shoving the Tenth behind your frame, shielding him. More figures in black have appeared – six, no seven – bearing the same silver crest. You remember the previous clash with this family, and grit you your teeth.

"Please stay behind me!" You shout to the boy over the cracking of lighted dynamites; you remember not to call him the Tenth.

The enemy is attacking – they have guns, and you are trying to defend the best you can and taking advantage of the cover the detonations produce to escape. You pull the Tenth with you, checking that he is indeed still safe, daring not to let go of your grip on his arm.

You cannot possible evade all of their attacks, and you bite down hard on your lip that it bleeds when a bullet lodges itself in your shoulder, then another in your collar bone. You hear a scream, which you believe to be the Tenth's. You want to assure him that everything is alright, but you can't. The white pain shoots up your head and your vision is naught but a bright light, and yet you can't go down now, not until the Tenth is out of harm's way.
The world has turned scarlet, but you can't see clearly anyway. You are dashing out dynamites impulsively ahead of you, running, running, trying to get away, and you can't help but think that no, no, we're not going to get out of here alive…
Then suddenly the Tenth's arm is wrenched out of your hand, and your sight clears in one panicking moment. You cry out in alarm and fear, spinning to lash out at the first foe you see, but instead you find yourself looking into the Tenth's brown eyes – so frightened, so grieved, that you halt in your tracks.

"Please, Gokudera-san!" He is shaking terribly, but so are you, and you can't bring about the words of comfort. "You can't do this for me anymore!"
The world is chaotic, exploding around you, but all you see is how everything falls into place now, how this is still your Tenth, andoh, how could you have ever doubted him?

...

With no memories, no sense of identity whatsoever, in this unfamiliar place with no sense of belonging, your words are the only things he can cling onto. What you say is the whole of his truth, and that pang of guilt strikes harder and quicker than Yamamoto can hit the ball, because you've never wanted to keep anything from the Tenth, not when those eyes hold such genuine and complete trust in you.

...

You are too stunned to move. You never know how long you've been staring there, watching tears fall down the Tenth's cheeks. You stiffen slightly, because it is your job to make sure that the Tenth has no reason to cry; you are supposed to blow up all of the sadness, the forever raging tempest, but you have been failing the Tenth more often lately, and this is no exception, as now the both of you stand in the middle of the hazy bedlam, the scent of gunpowder, the deafening shots, surrounded by madness –
Then a bullet pierces through the Tenth's neck from behind and time screeches to a stop.

Your body is like ice and fire, frozen and burning at the same time. Blind hysteria is taking over. Your mind fails you as it shuts down completely, and you do not see what you are see, do not hear what you hear.

It is raining blood, the sky is spinning, and a tornado is approaching where you are at the speed of a hundred miles per hour. In the midst of the storm there is a ghost of a resigned smile tugging on the Tenth's lips (at least, that is what you believe it to be), and before he topples over into your chest his half closed eyes are dull and tired and telling you, telling you…

…run, Gokudera-kun. Run.

You scream. Your head hurts like hell. You gladly let all control slip away as you fire all remaining dynamites at unseen enemies behind the veil. And yet in the state when rationality has abandoned you the only thing you succeed in is getting hit by three more bullets in the hip.
You cannot stand up anymore. The image of the dark alleyway flashes before you – the Tenth and Yamamoto dying by your side as you try to ease their bleeding in vain.
At the hour when all seems lost, a loud, pronounced gunshot rings out from behind you, and before you let yourself fall into the beckoning darkness you distinguish the indistinct silhouette of a tall figure with a long sword and faintly sees a soft yellow radiance at the corner of your eye. You are praying, please, pleasewhen you finally pass out with a high-pitched, out-of-tune version of your school anthem echoing in your ears.

You open your eyes and see Yamamoto by your bedside, his sword on his lap.

"You're back," you gasp out.

He beams widely. "So are you. You've been out for three hours. That's quite a quick recovery, considering."

"And Juudaime?"

"He's still in operation."

Neither of you say anything then. You are weighing the possibilities, the survival chance of your boss. You consider the position of the bullet (and here, you shudder), but you know that Ryouhei was present…and with Reborn-san being there too…

"I – I haven't told Juudaime about you…yet." You mutter after a while, because there is a desperate need to change the subject. You feel worse than you had, since Yamamoto saved not only the Tenth's but also your life. "Sorry."

"It's okay," Yamamoto shrugs, "it was for the best." You snap towards him in surprise.

He stands up. "I'll leave you be for now, since you probably want some personal space to mull things over – and – "

He breaks off there and leaves. You stare at his back in wonder and awe, but as the heavy silence hangs over the air like a shroud you realize that the personal space Yamamoto was talking about applies for he himself as well.

The tears of fear form in your eyes, and you don't bother to wipe them away, because this is what a private room is for.

"Juudaime," you greet.

There is no reason for you to pretend anymore.

You sit down next to him, and he smiles at you. You will do anything to preserve this smile.

"Reborn-san has explained everything," the Tenth says, and you nod, because you have foreseen that. "It's a lot to process, and the Mafia world seems to be an awfully scary place, and the Vongola's succession…well, it's hard not to force yourself to accept it when you have a gun at your head."
You lower your gaze, because you can feel the pain once more, both yours and the Tenth's.

"Ah, but Gokudera-kun, what I really want to say is…"His voice is growing softer again, but this time, he is looking directly into your eyes. "I'm sorry I'm not the boss you want me to be. I – I'm still not getting anything yet, and there's a possibility I never will. But I promise I'll try really hard to be the person you used to know – "

"There's no need, Juudaime," you interrupt, because you have been enlightened. "I will follow you no matter what, in any time, any universe."
You say so, and you will.

"And about that, Gokudera-kun. You're a really good friend that I can't afford to lose, so honestly if you'd just stop trying to take all the damage whenever there's an attack…"

The Tenth is alive, and that is all that matters.

End