The Anatomy of
A Pea Pod
By Kyle Pitre
ACT 1
Scene 1
(An apartment. A few of the necessities with doors that lead to the outside, the bathroom, and the bedrooms. Two teenage men walk in. They have just graduated. They walk in with bags. They drop their bags on the floor and look around)
KIRK
See? ... This ain't so bad.
MARCO
I guess not. Well, I suppose it wouldn't hurt to unpack now.
KIRK
You go ahead and pick a room, I'll just take a look around.
MARCO
Sure, okay.
KIRK
Oh, in case you cross it, that one vase I got for my birthday from my mom, just put it on the counter next to that sink.
MARCO
(Looking at the bag, pulling out his vase)
Here it is.
KIRK
(As Marco places the vase on the counter)
Don't break it!
MARCO
I would never break this! I know how much it means to you.
(Marco picks up his bags again and walks over to one of the bedroom. Kirk walks around looking at the furniture and the ceiling and everything. He observes the kitchen. He runs his finger along the top and looks at his fingertips. He rubs them together)
KIRK
Nothing a good clean can't do.
(Kirk pokes his head into the bathroom)
KIRK
Yo, Marco!
MARCO
Yeah!
KIRK
The last guy left their soap.
MARCO
Eww! Throw it out!
KIRK
Why?
MARCO
Who knows who's touched it?
KIRK
It's still wrapped.
MARCO
Still!
KIRK
It could be a housewarming gift!
(Marco walks out of his bedroom, putting a sticker with his name on it on the door)
MARCO
Who would want to warm the house any more? I'm dying of heat!
KIRK
Maybe the real estate agent decided to be nice.
MARCO
Yeah, although our agent happened to live in a trailer.
KIRK
You'd think a real estate agent would have a nice house, eh?
MARCO
We were his first clients... Hey, quit throwing me off topic! Throw that soap away.
KIRK
Fine.
(Kirk tosses it outside)
MARCO
Kirk!
KIRK
What?
MARCO
(laughing) Why did you throw it outside?
KIRK
In case you haven't noticed, we don't have a garbage.
MARCO
We don't?
KIRK
Nope.
(Marco does a quick look-through of the house. Afterwards, he rejoins Kirk)
MARCO
We don't.
KIRK
I said "no."
MARCO
You said "nope."
KIRK
(accepting his humor) Oh, very funny.
(Kirk goes back to the bathroom)
KIRK
Eww!!
MARCO
What?!
(Kirk runs out with a back-scrubber)
KIRK
It's yellow!
MARCO
Oh, gross! Throw it out!
(Kirk quickly tosses it out of the window)
VOICE
Ow! What the--!!
(Kirk and Marco looks at each other in shock.
(They slowly approach the window and look out. They look a bit surprised)
VOICE
What the hell was that for?!
MARCO
Kirk, you hit a hobo on the head with the hard end of that back-scrubber.
KIRK
Do you think?!
MARCO
Just walk away.
(Marco walks away from the window. Kirk, however is still looking, but now he is smiling)
MARCO
... Um... Kirk?
KIRK
Yeah, hold on... He's rubbing it real hard. It must hurt like a mother.
MARCO
Okay, whatever, now come away from the window, he could see you.
KIRK
Oh, he saw me a while ago. Yeah!
MARCO
What?
(Kirk runs into his bag and pulls out a bag of oranges)
MARCO
Kirk, no!
KIRK
Just wait.
(Kirk drops an orange out of the window)
MARCO
KIRK!!
KIRK
Too late.
MARCO
You idiot!
KIRK
Oh, bruises heal, Marco, lighten up.
MARCO
No, those are damn good oranges. Don't waste them on a hobo!
KIRK
Oh... Well, those oranges are pretty hard, though.
MARCO
Yes, they are! ...
(There is silence)
MARCO
Of course...
(Kirk's attention is caught)
MARCO
I have some of those apples that were, like, really cheap... They don't even taste that good...
KIRK
Yeah, but we could always go down and donate them to that homeless shelter down the street...
MARCO
Yeah... We could...
KIRK
(After a long silence) Or...
(Both run into Marco's room and grab a bag of apples. They run to the window and begin to drop them one by one)
VOICE
Ow! What the--! Stop that! Ow! Crap! Hey thanks! Ow! God bless!! Okay! I'm good - ow! I have enough vitamin - damn - C! Cut it out! Ow!
MARCO
That's it, we're all out.
KIRK
Looks like we might need to go shopping.
MARCO
Yeah, and let's hope that the hobo has nothing to do, 'cause we sure don't.
KIRK
That's for sure.
MARCO
Okay, I'll finish unpacking the food and I'll put it in the fridge.
KIRK
What will I do?
MARCO
I dunno, uh, unpack the clothes and put them on our beds.
KIRK
Okay, sure...
(They stand there)
MARCO
... Now?!
KIRK
Oh, right.
(Kirk runs into the bedroom. Marco grabs a cooler and one of the bags and begins to unpack the food and snacks into the cupboard and fridge)
KIRK
Who's shirt is this?
MARCO
Kirk...
KIRK
What?
MARCO
If it's not yours its mine.
KIRK
Oh, wait, this is yours.
MARCO
Are you sure?
KIRK
I'm pretty sure.
MARCO
What does it look like?
KIRK
Umm... It's a tan shirt with a teal T-shirt sewn onto it.
MARCO
What does it say on it?
KIRK
It has a coat of arms or something on it.
MARCO
Yeah, that's yours.
KIRK
Nope, never mind, it's mine.
MARCO
Are you sure?
KIRK
Yeah, it has my name on its collar... Although... If you scramble the letters, flip them upside down and squint, it kind of looks like it says Marco... Did you happen to write your name on the collar of a shirt while you were drunk, upside down and itching for a confusing mammogram?
MARCO
Kirk!
KIRK
It's mine!
(Kirk later walks out)
KIRK
Done.
MARCO
Okay.
KIRK
Well, what can I do now?
MARCO
I don't know, sit down. Watch TV or something, read a book.
KIRK
Book? What is this book you speak of?
MARCO
(laughs) Well, do whatever you want, Kirk, this is your place too, you know.
KIRK
Okay... You done yet?
MARCO
Nope. In a bit.
KIRK
Kay...
(Kirk walks around the space and twiddles his thumbs. He look at a "Little Boy's Room" sign on the bathroom and tries to see logic in it. He taps the sign a bit and the sign sways on its nail. He sits down and looks around for the remote. He finally finds it. He points it to the TV and pushes a button. There is no reaction. He pushes it again. Then again. Then a 4th time)
KIRK
Marco, you need to run down to the store some time to get some batteries.
MARCO
Put it on our list before we go to the store next time.
KIRK
Kay...
MARCO
What for?
KIRK
The remote to the TV.
MARCO
So a lack in battery power is going to stop you from watching anything?
KIRK
I suppose.
MARCO
How about you push the button on the TV itself?
KIRK
Fine, but both of us are gonna get tired of it.
(Kirk pushes the button. No reaction. He pushes it a few more times)
KIRK
Oh, for the love of God!
MARCO
What now?
KIRK
The TV won't turn on.
MARCO
Well... (Walks to the TV) How about we see if the TV is plugged in. Would you like to see me plug it in, Kirk?!
KIRK
... I'm waiting.
MARCO
Ugh!
(Marco picks up the plug to find that the plug isn't just not plugged in but it has been gnawed so that it a loose piece of wire)
MARCO
Television: item #2.
KIRK
Job: item #...
(Marco looks at him)
KIRK
I'm still hesitant. Let's put it in the late 20's... I'm looking for a gig at McDonald's, or something.
MARCO
Let me get back to the fridge.
KIRK
Are you sure you don't want me to do anything?
MARCO
No, just do something else. Anything.
KIRK
Fine.
(Kirk goes into the bathroom and pulls out an old magazine. He sits on the couch and begins to read)
KIRK
(Aloud) In a recent study of employment around the world, it would appear that minimal professions, in which employees get to achieve their creative potential and (finger quotes) "be their own boss", are actually what Prof. Robert Oswald says, "Chimerical." (Chuckles to himself) Chimerical. C-H-I-M-E-R-I-C-A-L. Wildly fanciful, highly unrealistic. (Back to the magazine) Oswald says "Professions such as author and actor are indeed highly unreasonable and illogical when said person must break their backs and work for something that they are simply... never going to achieve"? What the hell is this guy talking about. "A more reasonable profession, such as cosmologist, biologist, or simple store manager can be achieved through something that star-blinded fools shall never discover: university." (Flipping through pages) Now that's a big load of it if I've ever heard of it, eh?
MARCO
(Standing up, joining Kirk) I'm done. What was that?
KIRK
This idiot Prof. Robert Odd Fart. He thinks an acting career is 'chimerical.'
MARCO
And you don't agree with him?
KIRK
Marco, are you kidding? You and I have been taking summer theatre camp since we were in grade 5. Don't tell me that YOU'VE turned to the dark side.
MARCO
(Going back to the kitchen, putting away the empty cooler and bag away) I did it because it was fun, Kirk, not because I wanted to make a career out of it.
KIRK
You of all people should know that I DO want to make a career out of it. Why on earth would you say something like that when you know how I feel about theatre?
MARCO
(After
putting them away) Pestilential. P-E-S-T-I-L-E-N-T-I-A-L.
KIRK
May I have a definition?
MARCO
(Into the living room) Producing or tending to produce pestilence. Annoyingly troublesome.
KIRK
Look, look! Right here! An audition slip!
MARCO
What's it for?
KIRK
The stage production of 'Shock Treatment.'
MARCO
Is that the one by Richard O'Brien?
KIRK
Ya! I'm gonna go for it!
MARCO
(To his bedroom) Good luck with that.
KIRK
What the heck is that supposed to mean? "Good luck with that." Do you not trust me in my abilities of acting and singing?
MARCO
(Coming out) Kirk, I know you're a good actor, and from what I've heard, you singing isn't bad either, but this is Broadway. This particular show has a small cast, and I just don't think you can cut it.
KIRK
You know I'm gonna go for it anyway.
MARCO
... I know... I know nothing's gonna stop you.
KIRK
And who knows, I just might meet a guy along the way.
MARCO
Could you please turn the page or talk about something else?
KIRK
... What do you think I should audition with? One Song Glory? ... Or I'll Cover You the reprise... Taylor the Latte Boy?
MARCO
Okay, Kirk, come on.
KIRK
Well, what do YOU suggest?
MARCO
Give it up. (To the bathroom) It's not gonna happen.
KIRK
Would you quit leaving the room when you finish your sentences? You're not making a point and the conversation isn't over.
MARCO
(Walking into the room slowly) ... What do you want me to say?
KIRK
How about some freakin' support?
MARCO
What do you expect me to do?!
KIRK
... I don't know.
MARCO
... If you'd excuse me, I have to alphabetize my DVD's. (Walks into the bedroom)
(Kirk's cell phone rings. He picks it up)
KIRK
Hello? ... Hey, Leesh, what's up?! ... Oh, great! ... How's Marco? (Looks at the bedroom) Oh, the usual...
(Lights out)
Scene 2
(3 ladies comes out dressed as pilgrims)
LADIES
(Singing) 'Tis a gift to be simple, 'tis a gift to be free. (Hums. They leave. Lights go on)
(It's Fall. They are dressed to the occasion. They walk in through the door with bags of goods. As they walk in, the phone rings)
KIRK
Got it! (Picks up the phone) Hello? ... Yeah, hey, Amanda! Ya... Oh, well, he's right here. But, how's it going? ... Okay, okay, here he is. (To Marco) It's for you.
MARCO
Thanks. (Takes phone) Hey, Man! Hi... Well, sure, any time... Oh yeah... What? Okay... Yeah? ... Kay... (Laughs hard)Oh my God, you're right!
KIRK
What?
(Marco makes the signal that he's saying 'Hold on, I'll tell you later.')
MARCO
Right here... Okay... Yeah? ... (laughs again)
(The entire time, Kirk becomes a tad suspicious of what Marco is talking about. He anxiously awaits the end of their conversation)
MARCO
So, today? Yeah, Kirk and I were just gonna have dinner... Mac & Cheese. Yeah, Kirk is what you call the starving actor. Well, I got this job as a column writer and Kirk got a lead in this new musical... Yeah, that's the one. The opening's in a few months and MTV is recording the opening... Are you and Jennifer coming down. He should know. Let me ask. (To Kirk) Yo, Kirk, who was supposed to be coming today?
KIRK
People are coming?
MARCO
(Phone) No... Good, it'll be a surprise.
KIRK
What will?
(Marco does the signal again to Kirk, this time more stricter. Kirk is somewhat annoyed and hops on the couch, looking slightly angered)
MARCO
Hurry up, then, we'll start to make it. Bye... Kisses!
(Hangs up. To Kirk) What did you wanna say?
KIRK
(Fake smile, clearly fake, but his sarcasm is oblivious to Marco, only making Kirk more pissed) Nothing, I'm perfectly fine!
MARCO
Good, I'll start dinner.
KIRK
(Giving up) Ugh!
(Kirk looks over his shoulder noticing that Marco has put the boxes of Kraft Dinner away and takes out uncooked noodles and broths and spices and other necessities)
KIRK
What happened to the Kraft Dinner?
MARCO
Change of plans.
KIRK
Really?
MARCO
Yup, we got guests.
KIRK
Our moms aren't coming, are they? Last time, they didn't move for an HOUR just talking.
MARCO
Don't get started on that day. Jennifer, you, Amanda and I loved that day. The day we walked all of the way from school.
KIRK
Don't get me started on that. That was the worst day of my life.
MARCO
Don't over exaggerate, it wasn't that bad.
KIRK
Well, Jennifer hated it as much as I did. She threw a snowball right at your head and you had to 'appease' her with an Icy Square.
MARCO
A what?
KIRK
An Icy Square. You don't remember those. You used to have them in a little bowl in your house and you used one to stop Jennifer from ripping your head off.
MARCO
Oh, yeah.
KIRK
... So who's coming?
MARCO
You'll find out.
KIRK
Okay... Oh, where are the batteries?
MARCO
In the bag.
(Kirk goes over to the kitchen where the bags are and reaches in one to pull out a pack of triple A's. He puts them in the remote control and points the remote at the TV and pushes the button. He pushes it again... And again... and again, and again.)
KIRK
Oh, you have got to be kidding!
MARCO
What?
KIRK
We just got a new TV and the remote is completely busted inside and out. Great job, you stupid batteries.
MARCO
Well, don't cry, we'll get one of those universal remotes.
KIRK
I wasn't crying... So what can I help with.
MARCO
Nothing, I'm fine.
KIRK
I don't think so. If we're having guests, like you said, we need to work together so that it gets done twice as fast.
MARCO
Really, Kirk, I'm fine. After all, who's the Italian?
KIRK
(sung) Everyone's a little bit racist, it's true...
MARCO
No!
KIRK
Kay, fine! This is grade 10 all over again!
MARCO
Oh, what are you talking about?
KIRK
Remember in grade 10, it was the four us and we were getting the idea for that one musical about those kids who go to Shankman High.
MARCO
The name of the school was your idea, and to tell you the truth, I never liked it.
KIRK
Anyways, you remember.
MARCO
Yeah?
KIRK
And we were assigning roles of the production crew... Do you remember what the crew was?
MARCO
(Barely caring) Uh, I dunno.
KIRK
Well, there was you, who wrote the lyrics, Amanda, who wrote music to go with the lyrics, Jennifer, who wrote the dialog, and there was me, who, what Marco? (waiting for an answer)
MARCO
Um, I dunno.
KIRK
There was me, who you said, specifically, was there to be funny. Not to write the songs, not to design the book, not to write dialog, not to make a fricken' rhyme, but to be there and be funny. Last time I checked, they didn't put your name in the credits for being comic relief!
MARCO
That was a joke.
KIRK
Well, if it was a joke, how come I didn't get a real part in the entire production? And another thing, when you, the person who the earth revolves around, say 'let's stop this whole thing' everyone has to be all 'okay, yes Marco, whatever you say, master.' Did you ever think that the other three want to continue the whole thing?
MARCO
Well, it's not like I paid them to stop with me. So why did you stop, then?
KIRK
It takes more than one person to make an entire original musical. It takes more than four, anyhow.
MARCO
So tell me, if it takes more than four as well, how come you're upset that the whole thing stopped when in reality, it would never happen?
KIRK
Isn't it fun to stick with something with your friends and dream for once and know that it was a failure, but at least you could do it long enough to say 'Sure, it sucked, but I enjoyed doing it.'
MARCO
Where are you getting at? All of this because of dinner? Typical, you're arguing about food.
KIRK
Oh shut up!
MARCO
Here's what you can do, you can make a salad.
KIRK
Yeah, I will!
MARCO
Make sure it doesn't suck!
KIRK
Oh, it'll be the worst salad you ever had!
MARCO
Good, I'll get the lettuce!
KIRK
I'll get the dressings.
(They do)
MARCO
So, chop it up, already.
KIRK
I am!
(Kirk is chopping the lettuce and Marco watches him. Kirk finishes and puts the lettuce into a bowl)
MARCO
So what are we gonna have in our salad el crappay?
KIRK
Well, first, we're gonna add one cup of table salt!
MARCO
Sounds delicious!!
(Kirk pours the salt into the salad)
MARCO
What next?!
KIRK
Well, I'm glad you asked, we're gonna add chopped onions, (adds it) some garlic, (adds it) and, hmm, what do YOU think, Marco?
MARCO
How about some curry ketchup?!
KIRK
Sounds GREAT!!
MARCO
Alright!!
(Kirk adds a heaping puddles of curry ketchup into the salad. Door bell rings)
KIRK
Would you care to answer the door?!
MARCO
I would LOVE to!
(He answers it. Jennifer and Amanda walk in)
JENNIFER
Hello!
AMANDA
Nice place, guys.
MARCO
Oh, isn't it?!
AMANDA
Marco, what's wrong?
KIRK
Nothing!! He's perfect!! Marco is ALWAYS perfect!! The pinnacle of PERFECTION!!
JENNIFER
Okay?
MARCO
Who's hungry?!
AMANDA
Actually, I wanted to show you two this new video about...
KIRK
I'm hungry!! Are you hungry, Marco?!
MARCO
I'm STARVING!
JENNIFER
Alright, I guess we're eating now.
(They sit at the table. Kirk and Marco look at each other in anger and eat)
KIRK
Great pasta, Marco!
MARCO
Thank you, Kirk!
KIRK
You always make it perfect because you're Marco, is that right?!
MARCO
Yes, Kirk, you are right! I do things perfectly!
JENNIFER
What's going on?
MARCO
Nothing!!
KIRK
Don't talk to her that way!
MARCO
Who are you to tell me who to talk to and what to say?!
KIRK
Oh yeah, that's right, 'cause you're Marco and Marco gets to do whatever the hell he want!
MARCO
THAT'S RIGHT!!
KIRK
(To the girls. The girls jump after Kirk's shout to them) HEY! Have some salad! I made it myself!
MARCO
Yes, and Kirk makes the best salad because he's the vegetarian!
KIRK
Yeah, that's right! And, being the vegetarian, I'm a hippy, a member of PETA and a fagot!
MARCO
Of course you are, why else would you have broken up with Jennifer back in Gr. 10?
KIRK
Because I came out of the closet, you idiot! I didn't want to live a lie!
MARCO
She loved you, you know? Are you that conceited?!
JENNIFER
Could we not do this...
KIRK
(To Marco) Shut up! You shut up! You shut up your god damn mouth!
MARCO
Fag!
KIRK
Dick!
(silence)
JENNIFER
I guess we should try the salad.
AMANDA
I guess...
(They serve themselves salad. They eat their salad and look very surprised. They reluctantly eat their greens and 'smile')
JENNIFER
It's great, hun.
KIRK
Isn't it?
(silence)
KIRK
4 months.
MARCO
What?
KIRK
4 months, and we're already at each other's throats.
MARCO
Well, maybe if you weren't so melodramatic.
KIRK
I was trying to build up an apology.
MARCO
Then why don't you just come out with it, then?!
KIRK
Not if you're gonna be a prick about it.
MARCO
Am I really the prick, or will you not apologize because high-and-mighty Kirk needs his pride. He can't let his ego go even that much down! Gotta be on top of everything, right?! Do you wanna know why you can't be any lower Kirk? Because nothing is lower than shit...
(silence)
KIRK
I'm avoiding this whole thing.
(Kirk goes to the television and begins to press the button on the remote)
MARCO
It doesn't work, remember? You can't even remember 10 minutes ago. And that's why we all did academic levels and little old Kirk stayed applied throughout all of high school.
KIRK
I did academic English.
MARCO
And I don't blame you because we all SPEAK English! That's why Jennifer takes university, Amanda takes university, and I take university and you're still looking for a McDonald's with a 'now hiring' sign. And this is how it's gonna work: you'll get fired, I'll lift you up off of your natural habitat, the couch and a bag of chips, and encourage you to get your life together.
KIRK
This isn't working out!
MARCO
No, it's not!
KIRK
I want out... I want out and away from you!
MARCO
Fine, let me get my things and I'll get out of your sight!
KIRK
No, I'll get out!
MARCO
Oh, yeah?!
KIRK
Yeah! I'm getting the hell out of here! Do you want to know why, Marco, that I'm leaving? Because I want you to have a roof over your head and food to eat and Master's in god-knows-what. Do you want to know why I want you to have all of this and not me, Marco, because I love you! I love you way too damn much to throw you out on the street! I love you like a fricken brother and I'm killing myself because of it! So please, sit down with your girlfriend and her friend and let me get my shit! Good day, sir!
(Kirk slams the door on his room. There is an ultimate silence that no words can break. Marco tries to get out something, but can't. Kirk later comes out with his bag)
MARCO
Kirk, I know that you have a lot of more stuff than that.
KIRK
Marco, seriously, I could care less about what I have. Just as long as I have the clothes on my back, I'm good to go. (He is about to leave, but turns around to the three) You know, ever since this little quartet was formed, I have felt out of the loop this entire time. You two whisper so much to one another that I'm almost 100 positive that you're talking about me. Well, since I'm leaving, you can just forget about me, that way I won't need to worry if you're talking about me or not. Goodbye Marco. Goodbye and good riddance.
(Kirk leaves. Marco remains standing. He looks at Kirk's vase. He picks it up and observes it. After a long time of staring into it's ceramic shine, he throws it to the floor, shattering instantly)
Scene 3
(Ladies come out dressed as angels)
LADIES
(Sung) Glo-o-o-oria, in exelshez deo. (Ladies leave. Lights go on)
(Winter. Marco walks in dressed accordingly with a sweater or sweat shirt. Door bell rings)
MARCO
I'll get it! (Stopping after realizing that he just talked to his roommate that was no longer there. He continues and opens the door. It's Amanda and Jennifer with bags) Hey.
AMANDA
Hey...
(Both walk in slowly, having the life-changing fight still in their minds)
MARCO
Guys, it's okay, nothing's gonna happen.
(As they move in the house, Jennifer begins to hum "One Song Glory.")
MARCO
What are you doing?
JENNIFER
It's just that... He practiced that song all of the time. You know, back when Theatre Alive was doing auditions for High School Musical.
MARCO
Well, the play sucked anyways, I saw it. The guy who played Troy was off key the entire time.
AMANDA
He would have been better.
MARCO
What?
AMANDA
Kirk... He would have been so much better.
MARCO
Oh... Oh, yeah, without a doubt... But Troy didn't have an anger problem, so...
AMANDA
Okay, you know what, I'm unpacking now!
(Leaves into her soon-to-be room and slams the door shut. Marco and Jennifer are alone in the room. Jennifer quickly follows Amanda)
JENNIFER
I'll help!
MARCO
(After a while, throwing a chair to the floor) God dammit!
(Is it instinct? Whatever it is, Marco is convinced that Kirk will be in place of the hobo. He looks outside of the window and sees Kirk sitting with the same clothes on, but a little dirty)
MARCO
(After much hesitation) Yo!
(Kirk looks above him to see Marco's head poking out of the window. He looks away)
MARCO
Kirk! Come on, buddy!
KIRK
I can't feel my eardrums; I can't hear you!
MARCO
Oh, you're mature!
KIRK
Well, maybe I am! More mature than you!
MARCO
Oh yeah, of course you are, but you decided to pick up your shit and leave! Why, I'll never know! You know what you are, Kirk, you're a martyr! I'm not buying!
KIRK
I never asked you to!
MARCO
Good!
KIRK
Go to hell!
MARCO
You know what, why don't you just die! Do some good for once and die!
KIRK
Fine!! I will!
(Marco closes the window fiercely. He leans on the counter and looks annoyed. He finally looks back at the window and slowly opens it)
MARCO
... Where's your stuff?
KIRK
I sold it.
MARCO
For what?
KIRK
Soap.
MARCO
How'd that turn out?
KIRK
What do you think? I ran out.
MARCO
You know I got some up here.
KIRK
I'm fine.
MARCO
No, you're NOT fine! Your sitting on the cold ground stinking like a rotten... animal!
KIRK
Stink is the new cologne. I read it in 'People.'
MARCO
Kirk... You've made your point... I'm not gonna lie, it sucks here.
KIRK
(Smirking) How much?
MARCO
(Widening his arms) This much.
KIRK
That's an awful lot of suck.
MARCO
It is! ... Look, Kirk, I know we touched some sensitive subjects a while ago, but I think we have to end this crap.
KIRK
Why? ... Why wouldn't it be any different than it used to be?
MARCO
Well, let me put it this way. If you think I hate you so much and you were the center of my gossip back in grade 10, why would I have kept you around?
KIRK
'Cause you don't wanna be the only boy.
MARCO
And because you are the epitome of hilarity. You wanna know what else, Kirk? ... I bet the only thing you didn't sell was the CD I gave you for Christmas.
KIRK
The what?
MARCO
Years ago I made an 'Ode to Kirk' CD just for you. After you left the CD went missing. Do you still have it Kirk?
KIRK
... I might.
MARCO
I know that you want this to go away as much as I do.
KIRK
We can't go back.
MARCO
Then let's start over!
KIRK
... I dunno, Marco.
MARCO
... Fine, Kirk... I... I can't convince you to do anything you don't wanna do. But I'll leave the door unlocked... I'll continue my day... but it'd be a lot more awesome if you were a part of it.
(Marco unlocks the door and begins to read a book. The lights go off of the outside street. A knock is at the door)
MARCO
... It's open.
(Kirk opens the door and goes to the apartment. As soon as Kirk walks in, he is suddenly tense again. He is about to leave)
MARCO
Kirk, no!
(He stops)
KIRK
I honestly don't know why I came back here.
MARCO
Because life sucks without an Italian.
KIRK
Maybe so, but... never mind.
MARCO
Come on, Kirk, don't go.
KIRK
Why not? Why can't I just go?
MARCO
Because I miss you in the place. I kinda miss your stereo blaring from the other side of the wall when I'm trying to sleep. You probably don't know this, but whenever you play that stereo and think I can't hear it, I sing along to it.
KIRK
That's the reason I keep it on, so you can sing to it.
MARCO
... Thanks...
KIRK
Look, Marco, I wish I could turn back the clock, but it doesn't happen like that.
MARCO
I realize that, but why can't we just go back to being good friends? I miss it when you have your little episodes with the television, no pun intended.
KIRK
(chuckles) I guess... But...
MARCO
What?
KIRK
I don't know if you could forgive me for what I did. I really messed things up for us and I guess I did want a little bit of pity by throwing myself out that time.
MARCO
Look, just stay for the week, then if you want you can go back to the blistering cold, okay?
KIRK
Well... You did get the heater fixed, so...
MARCO
Okay, you don't have to spell it out for me.
KIRK
... I need to sit down.
MARCO
Good, I just made some peas.
(Puts down the bowl in front of Kirk)
MARCO
You must be hungry, not eating anything decent.
KIRK
Peas?
MARCO
Yeah, peas.
KIRK
I hate peas.
MARCO
(sigh) Welcome home, Kirk... Welcome home...
--!--!--THE END--!--!--