Dear Han...no, that feels too impersonal now...Dear Scoundrel...Gods, no, that belongs to another time...how about...
To You, the one I miss.
Yes, that's how I can begin this letter you can't read and will probably never see, if there is ever a time when you are with me again and not in there...
I have to keep some faith we can rescue you. It's only been six weeks since it happened (I will not commit to writing how I lost you. The universe already knows how you were betrayed and imprisoned and taken away from me). When I can sleep (which doesn't happen very much, and that always bothers you), I always see a room of orange and blue, with a demon in black and his minions in white surrounding us. There's no time to say everything that needs to be said, especially from me. I wasted three years arguing with you instead of admitting what I felt. Now I'm punished wondering if I will ever see you again. Fett hasn't delivered you to Jabba. He's pulled you across some of the most obscure backwaters in the Outer Rim. Why aren't you on Tatooine yet? Is Fett trying to lead us on some wild nerf chase (because he should realize we're going to keep looking for you)?
For so many years my devotion has been to "The Cause", as you named it during our first big argument on Yavin. I've been committed to the Rebellion because it has always been my only constant reality. Nothing else could ever matter, because I couldn't imagine anything else would ever capture my attention. I was partially right. Nothing else matters to me but the Rebellion, but someone matters just as much, or matters more. I was stupid for too long and tried to force you into becoming the kind of person that I am. I should have focused on just appreciating our differences.
Do you realize I have trouble sleeping because of regret? You probably realized that was true from the beginning, because you could anticipate my feelings even before I was aware of them. (If I didn't know you were really perceptive, I could have sworn you were Force sensitive). Regret keeps me going when I'm awake, but it tortures me when I try to sleep. I blame myself for Alderaan, for the impasse the Rebellion has experienced after Hoth. Most of all, I blame myself for keeping you all from paying off that debt. You could have went back to Jabba right after Yavin or any other time. You should have went to him with the money after we encountered the bounty hunter on Ord Mantell. But you stayed for three years because of me. I held you back from saving your life.
I wanted to keep you near me. But now you're gone.
We are still no closer to getting you back.
Han, I'm sorry.
With all of my heart and soul,
Leia