I Never Had You
DG332173
Sarah: here's a one-shot about Damon and Elena's relationship from Stefan's point-of-view. I only own what I write. Please enjoy.
WARNINGS|
Rated T for my sanity.
SUMMARY
"You had me!" you yell. But the truth is, I never had your heart. It always belonged to Damon.
I knew in the instant that you refused to tell me where you were with Damon that I didn't have your heart, not entirely. I knew that I could only claim a small piece of your love. I don't know how I knew, but I did. You forgave me for not telling you about how you looked like Katherine when you got back from Georgia. But I knew that you would always wonder in the back of your mind what else I was hiding from you.
When you insisted that I let you talk Damon into trusting us one more time, saying that he would listen to you, I doubted he would listen. When you convinced him to trust us again, I realized that you two shared a bond that I would never understand. A bond I didn't have with you. That's when I realized he had feelings for you. And I grew jealous.
Damon wasn't going to leave the tomb until you came and begged him to. I saw the tears on your face, the fear in your eyes. They weren't there for me. They were there because you were afraid of losing Damon. He listened to you and came out of the tomb with us.
You pulled away from me and hugged him because Katherine was never in that tomb, and he had spent the past century and a half loving a woman who didn't return his feelings. I didn't tell you that I needed a hug for the same reason. I knew your heart already belonged to him and that I only had a small piece of it.
There was always a fire in your eyes whenever you had a verbal sparring match with him. Even when he mocked Rick about his wife when he didn't know she was your mother, you looked more alive than you ever did with me as you yelled at him. But he somehow managed to earn your forgiveness. You'd forgive him for anything, and have.
I dragged Amber off to feed on when I was supposed to be your escort for Miss Mystic Falls. I knew in the back of my mind that I was giving my brother the grand opportunity of saving you from humiliation. I knew he would dance with you. But I was so fueled by my craving for human blood, I wasn't thinking straight.
Then you two managed to trick me and get me into the basement cell where I had kept Damon months before. You were going to wait out my detox from human blood, and he stayed with you. I knew he had earned more brownie points with you in that.
I don't know why you were both so surprised when Isobel announced Damon's feelings for you. I could have sworn you both would have already known. But I guess you were both in denial over your feelings for each other. Well, you couldn't deny his feelings any longer. I knew that while you were hugging me, you were staring at him. I tried not to let my jealousy show.
I dashed into that burning building to save my brother, not for me, but for you. I knew you would have been too broken to fix if he died. Yet you still denied your feelings for him. That's the night Katherine showed up, though Damon was the first to figure it out. But I was the one who recognized her immediately for who she was. I guess Damon wanted to tell you his feelings so badly that he didn't pay attention to the subtle clues that differentiated you and your doppelganger ancestor.
The look on Damon's face when we realized that by hurting Katherine at the Masquerade, we were doing the same damage to you, was so full of horror and guilt that I thought he would have had a breakdown right there. I think only the fact that Katherine was gloating and harming herself more kept him from doing so.
I had hoped that with Katherine in the tomb, you would be willing to come back to me, even if I only held a small piece of your heart. But you wouldn't. I was sure that you would go to Damon. I didn't realize until Jeremy called that you had been kidnapped. Damon was on a warpath over it.
I knew that you were running down those stairs to hug Damon. I knew it, but I stepped in and held you in my arms. I could feel your reluctance as you wrapped your arms around my neck. And I knew you were staring at him while hugging me, again. I could feel you mouth something at him. I didn't dare find out what.
I knew when Damon came back from returning your necklace to you, he had done something that was unlike him. I didn't dare ask what. But when you couldn't remember how you got your necklace back, I knew. He had confessed his feelings for you, but then compelled you to forget. I never thought he would be so selfless with you.
You used me that day you, Damon, and Rick left for Duke. You glared at Damon before you kissed me. I could tell you weren't into it, and you were only kissing me to get back at him for snapping your brother's neck. And I know that you had finally admitted, to yourself at least, that you love him.
I knew you said you couldn't forgive him for killing your brother, even if it was only a temporary death. But I knew better. You may say he's lost you forever, but that's a lie. I already knew then that you two would one day get together. He's the one you were destined to be with, not me. I will have to settle for being your first love while he will be the love of your existence. I say existence because I know that you will one day be a vampire to be with him forever. I would never turn you, not even if you asked me to. But I know he will if you want it.
While I was trapped in the tomb with Katherine, I couldn't help wondering what you and Damon were up to. I knew you were not the kind of person to go behind my back. I knew you wouldn't do anything with him while you were still 'with' me. To say I was shocked when Elijah showed up is an understatement. To watch him compel Katherine to stay in the tomb while I was set free was an even bigger surprise. By his appearance, I knew you had done something stupid, as usual. He mentioned a deal with you, and I was ready to punch him. But I knew that if a coat-rack-turned-stake through his heart wouldn't keep him down, all punching him would do is anger him.
When Damon showed up at the lake house, I could see the joy in your eyes at seeing him again. No matter what I did to try to make you happy, I knew you would only truly be yourself when you're with him. As he told us the plan he had come up with on the way here, I was furious that he was willing to risk your life like that. But you agreed before I could get a word in. I saw you two exchange lingering looks. These few days away from him, meant to bring the two of us closer, had only made your feelings for him stronger than ever. Then Elijah showed up and Damon started playing dodge-the-firewood with him. I could tell he was having a blast but you were worried for him. So you stepped out a few minutes ahead of schedule to put the plan into motion.
I tried exchanging my life for Jenna's the night Klaus sacrificed you. I knew you would be able to go on without me so long as Damon stayed in your life. But Klaus refused and I had to watch as he drained your blood until your heart stopped beating. Bonnie showed up on schedule and Damon scooped you up while Klaus was distracted. I told him I'd stay until Klaus was dead. Only, Elijah betrayed us and disappeared with Klaus without killing him.
When I discovered that Damon had been bitten by Tyler as he was shape-shifting into wolf form, I knew I had to do whatever it took to find a cure for him. I knew that you would not survive if he dies. I warned you about Damon's bite, even though he told me not to, then I set off to find Klaus. I knew that I would do whatever Klaus asked of me, no matter how horrible, so that I can save my brother, for both our sakes. I didn't expect it to be ten years of servitude, and I knew what he would make me do during those ten years, but I agreed.
Only he gave the cure, his blood, to Katherine. I felt betrayed when he told me he knew about the vervaine. If Katherine didn't take the cure to Damon, I would kill her in the most painful fashion I can think of. Thankfully, you texted me that he was okay. Apparently, she felt indebted to my brother for bringing her the vervaine. She hates being in debt, so she repaid that debt by saving my brother's life. I never replied to your text.
That summer, I knew that Damon was following every possible lead to find me. And I knew you were the one who wanted me found. You had my brother, Elena. You didn't need me. But I know you two would never have understood that. Finally, things came to a head and I headed back on your birthday to kill his compelled-girlfriend Andie to get the message across that I didn't want him looking for me.
I guess my call to you just to hear your voice sent mixed signals because next thing I knew, you, Damon, and Rick were hiking in the Smoky Mountains, looking for the werewolf camp that Klaus had just tried to turn into hybrids. We were all very lucky Klaus didn't find out about it.
He sent me after one of the potential hybrids, the one that had bitten me and escaped. I killed him before he could bite Damon by ripping his heart out. Damon snapped at me that if I hadn't called you, you wouldn't have insisted Rick drive you out here and he wouldn't have had to follow to make sure you stayed safe. I tried to play dumb, but he saw right through me.
In the end, though, he all but shoved you in the jeep, but I heard your words to him. How you wanted a minute to appreciate that he's not dead or dying. I knew you cared about him. I quickly left as you started to look up towards my position, racing back to Klaus.
Klaus brought me back to Mystic Falls to figure out why his attempts to create more hybrids had all failed and I knew it was only a matter of time before he found out you're alive. It was a long struggle, but I finally managed to earn my freedom from him. I took the coffins that held his family as I left him. I still had my emotions turned off at the time, but I was getting even for all he took from me, including your trust.
That leads us to now, you glaring at me from several feet from the car. "He took everything I had from me," I snap.
"You still had me," you cry out.
"I lost you when I left town with you," I tell you. But that's a lie. I lost you to Damon long ago.
After a few more minutes trying to get you back in the car, I give up, get in the car, slam the door, turn around, and head back to Mystic Falls. I roll my window down just in time to hear you cry out Damon's name. He'll hear you and come pick you up. I tossed your phone out the window earlier and it broke on the road. I roll the window back up, ignoring the tears in my eyes. I may have had your body and mind all this time, but your heart hasn't been mine since the day Damon took you to Georgia with him. My actions tonight was merely my way of giving up that small piece of your heart you had reserved for me.