Disclaimer: Hakuouki and the characters don't belong to me. They belong to the original creator. I own nothing.
I'd been wanting to write a Hakuouki fic for a while now. Since I recently got through both Harada and Hijikata's paths in the Hakuouki video game "Memories of the Shinsengumi", I got the idea to write this. Please excuse any OOC-ness. Hope you guys like this.
Just an FYI: This fic takes place before Heisuke becomes a Fury.
"A Devil doesn't belong in Heaven. A Devil is a demon, a creature of evil and hatred. A warm place of happiness like Heaven isn't somewhere a creature like me should tread. If a monster were to ever go to such a place, and live there...then eventually, Heaven would become...tainted."
Chizuru POV
I opened my hazel eyes to the bright light shining into my room from a crack through the door. I let out a quiet yawn as I turned and felt the sunlight clash together with my skin. I was just about to sit up when I felt something odd on my face. I allowed my fingers to reach up and touch the place that felt strange. My cheeks...they felt wet. I looked at my fingertips to see fresh water clinging to them. I blinked a moment before recalling I had had the same dream again. The same dream I had been having for the last few weeks, every single night.
Ever since I had learned the truth about my species from Chikage Kazama; the truth that I wasn't human, but a Devil; I had a dream. A dream where I was standing alone, in a place unfamiliar to me. I was the only one in it, and there was no light. After standing alone in the darkness for some time, I would turn and see a reflection of myself. Only, my reflection, didn't look exactly like how I normally did. Instead, she had snow-white hair, horns bulging from her forehead, and eyes that were as yellow as a wolf's. I would stare at my reflection, never saying anything to her. Eventually, she would part her lips and say "A Devil doesn't belong in Heaven" and would continue on with what sounded almost like a lecture of some kind. I had yet to understand its meaning, but somehow, I don't think I really want to understand the dream, or the reason I was having it.
Sure I was a "Devil", but to me, I still felt like a human. Normal, like everyone else. That dream meant nothing. What Chikage Kazama had told me, meant nothing. As far as I was concerned, it never happened; And that reoccurring dream was just a random nightmare that only appeared to frighten me over nothing. And so, like always, I would ignore the fact that I had been crying in my sleep, and I would ignore the fact that I had had the dream again.
My frown slowly changed into a small smile. Oh well. So what if I had had that dream again. I was used to it by now. No point in worrying over it. So instead, I pushed my way out of futon while I let the thought of my reoccurring dream fly to the wind.
"I slept like a baby..." I thought aloud, letting another yawn escape my lips. I looked to my male clothes that I had sat on the floor across from my bed. Grabbing them with one hand, I tore off my kimono and proceeded to get dressed for the day. After adjusting my belt, I pulled back my chocolate-colored locks into a high ponytail.
I turned my head over to a small square object that rested on a small table towards the door. Picking it up, I looked at my reflection to make sure I looked okay. I then turned to the door and opened it. The brightness of the outside world shot against me, temporarily blinding my vision for a brief moment. I blinked a couple of times, making sure my eyes were adjusting to the new lighting, and stepped out onto the porch.
"Hmm?" I frowned slightly when I noticed something weird. It was...brighter out, than it typically was when I woke up early in the morning. I know that sounds strange, but it was if I had...oh no.
A gasp managed to slip out of my mouth when I began looking around in a panic. No one was around. I heard no sounds of the other Shinsengumi members walking about, or talking amongst each other. Usually in the early hours of the day, the men could be heard waking up or mumbling to themselves as they prepared for their daily rounds. But today, all was silent. The daylight was brighter. Which meant only one thing had happened...
I had overslept.
"Oh no...!" I screeched, twisting on my heels and taking off in the direction of the kitchen. How could I have slept in? I had never ever slept in while staying with the Shinsengumi before. I would always wake up at the same time, get ready for the day, and go down to the kitchen to cook breakfast for everyone. It was my duty and my way of paying Hijikata-san and the others back for allowing me to continue staying with them while I searched for my Father. But today, for some reason, this routine of mine had been ruined.
I hadn't made the morning meal for everyone. Surely, Hijikata-san and the others would be furious with me. I could feel my feet slow down ever so slightly as I continued down the porch-way to the kitchen. I then felt my entire body instantly freeze when I caught something out of the corner of my eyes. My head turned in the direction of the objects, or rather, people I had just spotted.
Across the garden area of the HQ, I noticed most of the soldiers I usually talk to on a daily basis. Saito-san, Okita-san, Heisuke-kun, Nagakura-san, and Harada-san. Saito and Okita seemed to be in the middle of a spar, while Heisuke and the others sat on the porch watching. I stood by and saw Okita-san take a quick whack at Saito-san with his wooden sword. Saito-san dodged with ease, making Okita fall forward to the ground. I heard laughter erupt from the other onlookers as Okita mumbled something in a joking spite. Saito-san extended his hand, inviting Okita-san to get back on his feet. The others all smiled amongst one another as Okita-san switched places Nagakura-san.
...For some reason, my hand wandered up to my chest and gave my shirt a tight clench. I turned my head away from the others and looked downward, allowing my growing bangs to fall in front of my down-cast eyes. I heard the random voice of Chikage Kazama echo in my mind as I stood there, separated from the others,
"Don't you get it, Chizuru Yukimura? You're a Devil. You don't belong with these humans."
I felt my heart jump inside my chest. His words...I never noticed until now, but they sounded somewhat similar to what my reflection told me in my dream. A Devil doesn't belong with humans? But...up until Kazama had told me what I really was, I had been human. Before I learned that I was really a Devil, I had been...
I was snapped out of my thoughts when I heard the loud voice of Heisuke-kun call over to me, "Hey, Chizuru! You're finally awake, eh? Come over and join us."
I only cocked my head a few inches to the right so that I could peer out at him and the others with one eye. At that moment, I noticed something strangely appropriate. The light that was shining down on their little group seemed to be...so much brighter there, than it was for me, standing alone on the other side.
Heisuke-kun continued to wave at me, with a big grin painted on his face. Meanwhile, the others also motioned for me to come over and join them. I then noticed Hijikata-san and Kondou-san step out from the door behind Harada-san. The two men simply followed the others eyes over to my figure, standing so far from them. Hijikata-san held his usual glare while Kondou-san smiled warmly at me. For some reason, all their faces made me want to drop to my knees and start sobbing. But I couldn't. How pathetic would I look if I suddenly gave into these strange, bubbling over feelings?
I heard Heisuke-kun's calls for me cease and watched his arm lower slightly. I tried my hardest to hold my poker face as I stared back at each of them, seeing their smiles fall along with Heisuke-kun's arm.
"Chizuru?" I heard Heisuke-kun question when he stepped down from the porch and began walking towards me. I saw the bright sunlight dance beautifully with his long brown hair and ocean-colored orbs. I felt my neck turn a little more, and my eyes widen when I noticed the light suddenly begin to vanish as he approached where I was. Kazama's words echoed in my mind once more,
"You're a Devil. You don't belong with the humans."
Heisuke-kun's smile returned while he walked forward towards me. It was as if everything had been switched into slow-motion as I looked back at him, hearing Kazama's words repeat over and over in my mind. Then, unknown to me, I did begin to cry. Tears poured down my cheeks like a waterfall the closer Heisuke got. I instinctively took a step back when I noticed how close Heisuke-kun had gotten to the dimly lit place where I was.
The boy now stood a mere feet from me now. The sun's rays danced about against one half of his being, while the other was being shaded by a tree's branches hanging over head. The smile returned to the chipper teen's face as he extended a hand to the dark porch I stood crying on. My eyes widened even more when I saw the light on Heisuke's extended hand be replaced with the shadows that were hanging down from the roof over my head.
My dream reflection's voice shouted back at me like a screeching tiger,
"A Devil is a creature of evil and hatred. A demon like that shouldn't be allowed in a place of light, like Heaven. If such a creature were to try and live there, then eventually, Heaven would become...tainted."
I felt my knees turn into jelly when I looked down in horror at Heisuke's extent hand and kind smile. My vision blurred violently and my hearing became distraught. Chikage Kazama was right. I was a Devil. Not a human. I wasn't like Heisuke-kun and the others. I had learned that two weeks ago. I wasn't human...and I never had been.
"Chizuru?" I heard Heisuke's voice call out to me and noticed his hand drop down to his side. The shadows that had been flowing onto his body had disappeared, and the sun's light was shining completely over his body once again. How symbolic, I thought after each tear fell from my cheeks.
I am a Devil. A demon. A monster. Just like Chikage Kazama. Devils and humans were told they couldn't co-exist. Was that really true, I wondered. Should I, a creature said to be full of malice and blood-lust...really be in a place like the Shinsengumi's HQ?
I tried to cover my face from sight when I spotted Harada, Nagakura, and Okita-san all follow over to Heisuke. All four men looked at me in confusion while the others stood away, frowning in just as much bewilderment. I'm sure I looked as if I'd totally lost my mind to them at this point.
Harada spoke up to me when I stepped away once more, "Hey, what's wrong, Chizuru?"
"Ya feeling sick or something?" I heard Nagakura-kun say, deep concern evident in his deep voice.
I tried my very hardest to stop the flowing tears, but they refused to stop. Between the spaces of my fingers, I peeked out at the others. The vision of them all had become very hard to see through the water. I clenched my teeth together tightly, blinking back more and more tears. Over all the months I had spent with them, I had never felt so separated from the Shinsengumi as I did right now. The truth was, I had felt a large gap forming between the others and I since that night. The night Kazama had told me what I really was. I had been trying to deny the truth all this time, even when it repeated itself in my dream. However...it had never really hit me. Not until the moment I saw the others so far away from me, laughing and having fun while they were surrounded by light...
Since that time two weeks ago, every time was painful whenever I saw Hijikata-san and the others. I had come to them in hopes of finding my Father. Over time, every single soldier of the Shinsengumi became like a member of my own family, or a very close friend. I loved all of them, and I loved being with them. But circumstances had changed. When the truth had been learned by Kazama, the other Devils had come after me. They'd even attacked and fought with Hijikata-san and Harada-san. No matter how you looked at it, I was the reason the Devils had appeared and fought with the others back then. Who's to say it wouldn't happen again? Kazama and the others could always return and fight with the others once more. And maybe then, the outcome of the battle wouldn't be as merciful as before. Even if the others wouldn't say so, I knew. A place where Okita-san and Saito-san sparred while the others watched in enjoyment. A place where Heisuke-kun, Harada-kun, and Nagakura-san joked about and teased each other. A place where Hijikata-san and Kondou-san ate meals together and drank sake until the sun came up. This was a place I shouldn't be.
Because I am a Devil. Because a Devil doesn't belong in Heaven.
Seeing the others standing on another side opposite of me; where light shined down on each of them as they laughed and smiled together. It was like realty had finally opened my eyes to what the dream had been trying to tell me for weeks.
Harada-san was just about to speak up to me again before I decided enough was enough. Instead of staying in the place that had become like a home to me, I spun on my heels and ran as fast as I could away from the others. As my feet carried me away, I could hear the others voices all shouting out to me. I desperately wanted to turn around and go back. However, that was no longer an option. I had to accept that.
With that on my mind, I continued to run. I made one final decision as I flew around one of the corners of the Shinsengumi HQ; Tonight, I would leave this piece of Heaven that had fallen to Earth. And I would return to the outside world where a Devil was supposed to be. The outside world known as Hell.
Regular POV
"Man, I don't understand women at all." Groaned an irritated Shinpachi as he strolled down the hallway of their group's headquarters.
"News flash, Shinpachi. Most men don't." Harada snorted from beside his best friend's side. His frown worsened when he heard a low groan come from the man. He knew what he was thinking about. Harada, as well as every other soldier in their home had been thinking the same thing for the last few hours now. Ever since Chizuru had randomly appeared in front of them that afternoon, then took off crying out of no where; it felt as if everyone had had their brains shot out of their skulls. No one had any idea behind Chizuru's reason for acting the way she did, and quite possibly never would. That's what Shinpachi thought at least.
Shinpachi folded his arms back behind his head, letting out a sigh, "Man, what the hell was that earlier. I don't think I've ever seen Chizuru-chan like that before."
"Me either." Was all Harada responded, looking out into the HQ's front yard.
"I mean, she just randomly started balling her eyes out when we asked her to come join us. What, is she on her time of month or some shit...?"
Harada twitched, disgusted by the man's ignorant words, "For God's sake, Shinpachi-" But the man's voice was silenced when he spotted something. He stopped instantly in his tracks, causing Shinpachi to give him an odd look.
"Sano? What's up, man-" But when Shinpachi let his eyes follow the direction of Harada's, he too was frozen in place.
There, out in the front yard, stood Chizuru. The woman's back faced both of them, with her head downcast. In her left hand was a large sack, while she held her sword in her right hand. The girl rose her head as if she were looking up at the dark, cloudy sky.
Minutes ticked by, and it seemed no one would dare to move. Then Harada, being the kind man he was, decided to break the silence. Stepping down from the porch, the spear-wielder approached Chizuru slowly, his face full of concern. His voice cracked ever so slightly when he greeted the woman, "Chizuru, what are you doing out here at this hour...?"
The girl slowly turned to face both men. Both Sano and Shinpachi held back a gasp when they noticed the uncharacteristic look in the girl's eyes. Usually, her brown orbs were full of light, sparkling beautifully with emotion. But now, Chizuru's eyes looked as dark as the night sky that lingered overhead. Almost as if she'd shut off her feelings and personality all together.
"...Chizuru-chan?" Shinpachi joined Harada's side, hoping that perhaps his sight was playing tricks on him from afar. But when he approached Chizuru, her eyes and expression remained one thing: distant.
A low wind swept over Edo, causing some cherry blossoms to fall from one of the trees that was placed to the left of the group. The sakura scattered about the three as if they were dancing sadly and in harmony with each other. Despite the simple beauty around her, Chizuru appeared to ignore the men and turned back around as if to leave. Harada reached out to grab her arm but felt his body freeze up on him again. Shinpachi and his best friend simply watched the girl in lost sadness as the woman they'd spent over a year together with walk away from them like it was nothing.
Chizuru POV
I never expected to run into Harada-san and Nagakura-san before leaving my home of over a year, but it didn't matter. That still wouldn't stop me. I had to leave quickly. Or else I would start crying again, and then I would have even more trouble shutting off my heart. Now was the best time to go. It was time I finally said goodbye.
...Or at least that's what I thought until I stepped forward and collided my body with something hard. I held back a pained grunt and fell back a few steps. When I caught my balance, I looked up to see what I had bumped into. I blinked and my eyes widened incredibly at what I saw before me.
Regular POV
"Where do you think you're going?" Came the familiar gruff voice of Hijikata who had just bumped into the broken girl. The Vice-Commander's lavender eyes noticed the concerning look on Harada and Shinpachi. His frown worsened at this. When Chizuru didn't answer, Hijikata lifted the girl's small chin with his thumb, "Are you going to ignore me when I speak to you, kid?"
Chizuru said nothing, simply blinking back at him with her emotionless eyes. This annoyed Hijikata even further.
"Oh man...Shouldn't Chizuru-chan know better than to ignore Hijikata-san by now? He's gonna pumble her..." Shinpachi bit the tip of his finger, fear building up quickly inside him.
Harada's expression darkened slightly, "Possibly...but I'm more worried about what happened to Chizuru than how Hijikata-san is gonna treat her..." At that moment, Sanosuke stepped forward and pointed at Chizuru's face, "Wait, Hijikata-san. Don't you find this strange? Chizuru isn't herself today."
Hijikata did a double-take on the girl. He hadn't noticed it right off, since she had just bumped into him while he was already in a foul mood, but...she did look different. Come to think of it, she had also taken off earlier that day for no apparent reason. Furthermore, she had been crying...
The demon commander looked coldly down at Chizuru. She simply looked back at him with an even colder look. And he didn't like it one bit.
"What the hell is wrong with you?" Without giving so much as a warning, Hijikata took hold of the girl's collar and pulled her body closer, so that their noses were a mere inches from each other. Harada and Shinpachi felt lumps form in their throats at this.
"Oh damn..." Shinpachi bit his lip hard,
"C-Chizuru..." Harada could only choke out between his anxiously pounding heart.
When Chizuru remained silent once more, Hijikata gave her collar another hard yank, "Dammit, you answer me when I'm talking to you!" Now his voice had become loud enough to make a few other soldiers come outside to see what was going on.
Saito, Heisuke, Okita, and Kondou all came out at once. When the soldiers noticed the formation the group was in, everyone rose a brow.
"Toshi, what ever is the matter?" Kondou asked gently, rushing to his side and following his friend's gaze down at Yukimura. When he saw the disturbing look on her face, Kondou gave the girl's shoulder a gentle grip, "Yukimura-kun, what's wrong? You look as if you've seen a ghost..."
Okita jolted at hearing Kondou's words and ran in to get a look of his own at Chizuru. The man's typical smirk fell as soon as he noticed the look on her face, "Woah, Chizuru-chan. The hell is that look for?"
"She has been acting quite strange today. Perhaps we should take her inside where it is less cold, and question her." Saito suddenly suggested from the shadows.
"Maybe I did something. I mean, it was when I approached her earlier that she started crying and ran off..." Heisuke mentally kicked himself and took hold of one of Chizuru's hands, "Chizuru, whatever I did, I swear I'm sorry! I didn't mean for..."
Chizuru POV
"Stop it. Everyone, please just stop." Was all I heard running through my mind as I stood there, in the center of everyone.
Why did I have to run into them now of all times? My plan was supposed to be simple: pack my things then sneak away from the HQ in the dead of night before anyone noticed. Yet, I had been caught. Worst, now everyone stood around me as if they were a human prison. They don't understand. I have to go. I have to disappear from here. Now. I'd already decided...
I swallowed and took a deep breath before breaking my silence, "I'm sorry if my behavior earlier seemed strange. You see, I just made a very important decision that I must follow through with..." I tried to keep my voice's tone equal to the emotion showing through in my eyes: calm and straight forward.
"What decision might that be, Chizuru-chan?" I heard Okita-san ask, annoyed sarcasm hiding in his tone. I felt my stomach do a summer-salt at his tone. He always knew how to stir up someone's emotions just by the way he talked.
"I..." My voice cracked hard when I felt my heart stop for a moment. I took another breath and did my best to swallow the anxiety that was trying to come out. I wouldn't tell them the whole truth. I just had to tell them I was leaving. Thank them for everything they had done for me and bid my goodbyes. That's all. I had done it over a million times in my head. I could do this. I just had to hold up for just a little bit longer.
I looked up and accidentally locked eyes with Hijikata-san. His normal glare had worsened to one that appeared quite frightening to me. His normal lavender orbs seemed to be burning with a growing fire behind them. Veins had appeared on his neck and the side of his head. He was growing very angry. Any moment now, he'd erupt like a volcano and shout at me all over again. If that happened, I fear my emotions would have no choice but to give. No. I couldn't allow that to happen. I had to tell them goodbye and leave now.
"I want to thank you all for everything you've done. The Shinsengumi has truly been like a family to me..." I could feel sweat pouring down the back of my neck as I spoke, "And so, with that being said..." I felt my voice trail off when I noticed the others eyes widen greatly. I felt my cheeks dampen and my nose stuff up. No...I was cracking.
"Chizuru-chan?" Okita spoke up again; his tone now drained of any sarcasm or malice it had in it previously.
My emotions were bubbling over. There was no way I could manage to lock up my heart again. It had taken me a good two hours of trying to do that earlier just to force out that emotionless look. But I couldn't show my pain either. Perhaps if I tried to force a smile...
Thankfully, I managed to curl up the corners of my lips. It didn't feel like a big smile, but even so, it was at least a small grin. Good enough to use as a mask.
"I think it's time I le-" But the last word wouldn't come. I blinked a moment and opened my eyes only to see blurs. My smile did not fall but I could tell now that the others weren't going to buy into my story. My legs and arms began to tremble as I bit back my lip, thinking about the words of truth that had echoed to me in my dream.
"A Devil doesn't belong in Heaven. Such a creature is evil. Full of hatred. It will taint anything and everything it touches. It will destroy all the light that dares come near it."
Then, Kazama typical crimson-colored eyes and dark smirk flashed into my memory, "You, who are a pure-blooded and rare female Devil...should not try to coexist with those people. Those filthy humans."
Without thinking, I responded to the voices to my head aloud, "But I...want to stay..."
I heard Kondou-san call my name again. The others took another step towards me. I pushed my way through Hijikata-san and Kondou-san. My eyes couldn't tear away from the men I had come to hold dearly to my heart as I backed up towards the front gate. I felt another bit of wind whip across my body, blowing some of my tears away to fly with the falling sakura petals. I opened my mouth as if to say something else but my voice choked. I forced my hardest to retain my fake smile as I finally released my bottled up emotions with the tears that refused to stop again.
My eyes shined incredibly when I saw Hijikata's glare fall from his face. His anger had appeared to have completely vanished now. Just like with Okita's sarcastic frown, Harada and Nagakura's confused faces, and Heisuke's guilty stare. Every one of the Shinsengumi members looked at me in the same way. Suspenseful. They were all waiting to see what I would do next. The looks in their eyes just made it even worst. Their stares all felt so far away. I couldn't stand looking at them anymore.
Before any of them could get another word in, I spun around and flew out of the Mibu Wolves' gate for the last time.
Regular POV
"Would someone PLEASE tell me what the hell just happened?!" Shinpachi cried, running as fast as his well-built legs could carry him.
Harada ran beside his best friend while watching the "Master Four Runner" Heisuke take off at the speed of light a good fifty feet ahead of them. He wanted to answer Shinpachi's question. He really did, but...even he didn't know what had just happened. And he was always being pegged as the guy who had a good understanding of women...
"Tch...and I call myself tactful." Harada mumbled to himself, seeing the memory of the crying Chizuru in his mind.
"I mean...I'm so lost, it's not even funny..." Shinpachi breathed hard, his body quickly running out of steam the more he tried to keep up with Heisuke, "I know...that I'm not the smartest guy...b-but Chizuru...H-How can she just run off like this? Hell, e-even Hijikata-san...couldn't stop her from doing whatever she wanted once those big eyes welled up w...with tears-" Before Shinpachi managed to finish his sentence, his foot caught on a sharp rock sticking up from the ground and the muscle-bound man fell to the ground like a bolder.
Harada skidded to a stop and looked back at his fallen comrade, "Shinpachi!"
In the distance, Heisuke crazily barked back at his friends, "Would you guys stop fooling around?! We gotta find Chizuru...!"
On the opposite side of their Heisuke's group's route was Okita, Saito, and Hijikata. After Chizuru had run off, the men had split into two groups in hopes they could catch up to the girl before she ended up hurting herself. Meanwhile, Kondou and Sannan remained back at the HQ just in case Chizuru returned.
"Does anyone have any freakin' idea what's going on? What about you, Hajime-kun?" Okita turned to Saito who seemed to be looking in every direction like Hijikata was a few feet ahead of them.
"...No." Was all the man responded before Hijikata screamed back at the younger men to hurry up.
"Geez, maybe she got all teary because of you, Hijikata-san. If that were the case, you should-" But Okita immediately shut up when Hijikata stopped and looked back at him with blood-shot eyes.
Hijikata said nothing but simply remained in one place, breathing heavily and glaring at Okita. After a minute, he turned back around and went on with his search.
Okita swallowed awkwardly and scratched his head, "Hajime-kun, is it just me or does Hijikata-san seem to be losing his cool a little too much over this?"
Saito turned his head down a dark corner between two buildings instead of looking back at his friend, "Hijikata-san is not the only one. We are all concerned for Yukimura-kun."
"I guess so." Okita sighed, looking up at the bright full moon in the sky. His lips curled upward in a smirk, "Well, we all know Chizuru-chan. I'm sure she'll be just fine."
Saito glanced back at the boy, instantly picking up on the hidden uncertainty in Souji's words. The pokerfaced soldier decided to say nothing about it and proceeded with his search.
Chizuru POV
At last, I had left. As soon as I had stormed out of the Shinsengumi HQ, I jogged as many blocks away as I could manage before collapsing in one of the dark alleyways. After catching my breath, I picked myself up and decided I would return to my home where my Father and I had lived together. That was my plan...but when I stopped and thought about it, as I strolled alone in the dead of the chilling dark night, I realized that maybe going back 'home' wasn't the best idea. Even if I did return, I knew my Father wouldn't could back. There would be no one there, waiting to welcome me back. I had no friends or other relatives I could live with. Even though I had left the others for their own good, I couldn't help but feel a bit...lonely now.
"Then again, Kazama had mentioned something like this before. How it comes with being a Devil. We can't coexist with humans. We're destined to lead a life of almost complete solitude...or something like that." I mumbled to myself, not bothering to watch where I was going as I strolled down the street. It's not like it mattered. It was the dead of night. I was the only one walking about while everyone else in Edo rested comfortably in their homes. It's not like anything would jump out at me like the first night I met the Shinsengumi...
I felt my feet stop on their own as I thought back to that night I first met Okita, Saito, and Hijikata. When I looked up at the star-filled sky and bright white moon, tonight felt ironically similar to that same cold evening. I recalled originally running from some rogue samurai and hiding in between two houses. Then I saw the Furies for the first time; their white hair colliding with the moon's light while their blood-colored eyes widened with maddening rage. It had only taken Saito and Okita a few moments to cut them down. Then I looked up and saw Hijikata's handsome figure standing over me, glaring heartlessly down at me as if he planned to kill me on the spot.
I soon found myself smiling to myself at the memory. At first, I had been terrified of all of them. In fact, they had each reminded me of Devils when I saw how easily they had killed those men. But in the end, I was the real Devil. How funny, I thought to myself. Looking back on the past and realizing the truth of the present; It sounded like something from a dark novel.
I let my mind wander around through the memories for a few minutes before I felt myself be snapped out of my trance by the shouting of unfamiar male voices. A lump caught in my throat when I spotted three strange men dressed in run-down samurai attire had suddenly appeared before me. Each had a creepy smile painted on their faces as their ice-cold eyes peered down at me through their messy bangs.
"U-Um..." I tried to put on a polite smile in hopes that these men would simply ignore me and continue on with their night. However, that was the exact opposite of what they had in mind.
"Hey, kid. What the hell do ya think you're doing out at this time of night?" Spewed the first man, who had several large scars on his filthy face.
"Shouldn't a little boy like you be getting tucked into his bed by his mommy and daddy about this time?" The second man walked to stand behind me. His grin widened when he noticed my body shiver in fear.
"Well kid, you're standing in our path. And you didn't even bother to apologize to us..." The third man pulled at something hanging from his side. My eyes shined with the gleam of a drawn blade he had just unsheathed. He pointed the sharp tip of the katana straight towards my throat. I felt all the breath go out of me when I felt the blade's tip break a tiny bit of my skin, allowing for crimson to slowly seep out in small droplets, "I think you need a lesson in respect, boy."
Before I could even come up with a proper response, the other two men drew their swords as well and pointed them at the other sides of me. I twitched and tried to make a move to grab the hilt of my own sword. But my hands wouldn't move. Fear had completely taken over the entirety of my being. It really was just like that night I met the Shinsengumi soldiers. I had once again bumped into some ruffian rogue samurai. Only this time, I was surely going to die for it.
But...I didn't want to die. I didn't want to die alone like this!
"Ahhh!" Too desperate and terrified for my own life, I turned around, pushed my way out of the men and began running as fast as I could. It didn't take hearing the samurais shouts for me to realize they had immediately taken off after me. I turned a slick corner and ran down the nearest alley I could find. As I ran, my heart felt like a time bomb that was ready to explode any second. If only I were bettered skilled with a sword and less of a coward. Then I could have taken them all on like a true Devil. But I wasn't like Kazama or Amagiri or Shiranui. I couldn't bring myself to draw my sword in order to kill. Even if it was to save my own life. I was just too...weak.
Those things didn't matter now though. I could think of only one thing as I rushed through the dark, cramped alleyway with three men chasing after me with the intent to draw my blood; And that was the Shinsengumi.
I silently prayed to myself while I jumped over some fallen debris in the alley, Please...Saito-san...Okita-san...Hijikata-san- Anyone! Help me...!
Regular POV
"...Hmm?!"
Okita and Saito turned to their Vice Commander after hearing a low growl escape his lips.
"Commander, what seems to be the problem?" Came Hajime's typical calm tone.
Hijikata's eyes were focused on the echos of random noises that seemed to be coming from an alleyway located East of them. The older man motioned for his soldiers to follow after him before he himself darted headfirst into the alley's entrance with his sword drawn. Okita and Saito obeyed their leader without question.
A few feet away, Chizuru continued to climb over various obstacles as she dodged the males advances at trying to capture her from behind.
"Dammit, get back here, boy!"
"There's no point in running. Just give in and die like a man!"
Chizuru felt her stomach do continuous summer-salts at their words. She was sure she'd never felt so terrified in all her life until now. Things like this had happened to her, but there was usually always someone to bale her out or protect her. Now, she was on her own. Even if she was a Devil and her body was harder to kill, that didn't mean she wouldn't die by the hands of those sick bastards tailing behind her.
"Le-Leave me alone!" The young damsel cried, instinctively ducking one of the men's swords that had attempted to take off her head. However, the dodge proved to only save her for a brief moment, because the next second after the missed attack, Chizuru felt her foot catch on a stone and the cross-dresser fell to the ground with a thud. It only took a matter of seconds before the men had Chizuru completely surrounded again.
"This kid's a total loser. He can't even use that sword he has at his side." Snorted the man with the scars, pointing his blade back towards his future victim's neck.
"I think we're doing you a favor by killing you, kid..." The third man lowered his blade so that it was in line with Chizuru's rapid-pounding heart, "After all, you obviously don't belong in a place like Edo, if you can't even defend yourself like a man."
At that moment, it seemed as if time froze for the female Devil. The man's words rung in her mind like a bell.
"You don't belong in a place like Edo."
The words seemed to hit closer to home than the man had intended. Without thinking, Chizuru let her feelings out through her lips to the strangers standing over her,
"You're right. I...don't belong here. I don't belong with the Shinsengumi. I don't and never did belong with humans in general. Even now...I still don't belong..." Tears began to well up in the non-human's eyes once again.
Meanwhile, in the shadows, three figures walked slowly towards the group.
Chizuru smiled scornfully to herself and unthinkingly continued to baffle the samurai with more of her Devil talk, "I'm not like Hijikata-san and the others. No matter how hard I try, I can't become human. And even though I'm technically a Devil by blood, I can't even do the simple task of unsheathing my sword when I'm in danger. How can I even call myself a Devil? I'm not a human and I'm not really a Devil, not like the others at least. I'm just..."
A mix of lavender, dark blue, and grass-colored orbs suddenly shined brightly from the shadows behind the rogue samurai.
"...nothing..."
"So that's why you left, Chizuru-chan."
Chizuru's eyes shot open only to see three figures standing behind the rogue samurai. The female felt her heart skip a beat when she saw Okita, Saito, and Hijikata in front of her.
Okita smirked to himself, eager to spill some blood as always, "Shame on you, Chizuru-chan. You had us all worried and made us come searching for you. Damn good thing Hijikata-san heard these jackasses howling at the moon, or else you'd be decapitated by now." The most merciless killer of the Shinsengumi drew his sword and shot a battle glare at all three men, instantly sending chills up their spins, "You guys picked just the right timing to attack a defenseless innocent like Chizuru-chan. I've been itching for some violence all evening."
Saito began walking with his partner towards the criminals, who were now as pale as ghosts, "Try not to get too violent. Yukimura-kun is watching..."
Okita snorted and rose his sword at the moon, "Yeah, yeah. Whatever you say, Hajime-kun."
Deja Vu... Chizuru thought, watching the Shinsengumi leaders jump head-first into battle with the self-deemed warriors. The girl only watched in awe at the blood flying through the air and the swords clashing and swinging violently back and forth. Chizuru didn't bother to dodge when some of the crimson from one of the men splattered onto her right cheek and tip of her nose. Kodo's daughter simply blinked, letting the small spots of blood to trickle down her face like a tiny river.
Meanwhile, Hijikata stood over Chizuru, just as he had done the night he had first met her. The Vice Commander's purple eyes focused down on her. Toshizo silently grunted to himself.
"Damn fool." His sudden remark caused Chizuru to slowly turn her head towards him.
"...What?"
Hijikata looked to the side in order to avoid eye contact with the girl, "...You ran off crying earlier...because you thought you didn't belong with us. I say you're a damn fool, kid."
Chizuru's hazel eyes grew a fraction, no longer paying any mind to Okita and Saito who had just finished off the samurai. The rare Devil kept her eyes on the back of Hijikata's head, "But I...don't belong." The girl thought for a moment that Hijikata would turn around and start yelling at her again. But his stern cry never came.
Instead, Toshi lowered his head and remained silent.
Chizuru was about to speak again but stopped when she saw the blood-drenched Souji and Hajime return to their leader's side.
"That's that, then." Okita glanced over at Chizuru and frowned heartlessly at her, "Well, I guess this is goodbye then, Chizuru-chan."
Chizuru's eyes became the size of watermelons, "Wha-"
"You said it yourself, didn't you? That you don't belong with us. Well, that is true." Okita's lack of tact caused both Saito and Hijikata to look at the killer in cold curiosity, "Of course you don't. You just a girl after all. The Shinsengumi was never a place you should have been."
In the distance, the voices of Harada, Heisuke, and Shinpachi cried out randomly. Okita's frown returned to a smirk as he looked from Chizuru to his other friends who had found them.
"Hey guys. You just missed the fun." Okita nodded his head towards the three corpses on the ground.
Harada cocked a brow, "Woah. What the hell happened here?"
"Some rogue samurai were after Yukimura-kun. So we took care of them." Saito stated, but was ignored. At hearing her name, Harada and the other two rushed over to the girl in relief.
Heisuke fell to his knees with a smile at seeing the person they'd been searching all night to find, "Chizuru, thank God! I was worried we'd never see you again!"
"I swear, I've known some crazy babes, but you take the cake, Chizuru-chan," Shinpachi gave her back a swift pat.
Harada ran his fingers gently through the straying hairs on top of Chizuru's head, "Yeah, you really worried us, Chizuru. Don't ever run off like that again."
"Would you guys stop?"
Harada and the others flashed an odd look at Okita who seemed to be peering at them in what felt like disgust. Shinpachi stood up,
"What's up, Souji? Too prideful to admit you were worried too-"
"Forget Chizuru-chan. She's no longer a part of us. She said it herself," Okita shot a grin at Chizuru that felt like an arrow straight into her chest.
The other three members exchanged looks with each other before turning back to Chizuru.
Heisuke's face paled even worst than the faces of the dead rogue samurai, "C-Chizuru? What's Souji talking about?"
"She said she doesn't belong with us. Right, Chizuru-chan?" Okita's grin widened darkly when he saw the fear return to the Devil girl's eyes.
Harada looked from Okita, to Chizuru, and then to Hijikata, "Uh...I don't know what we missed, but I don't think it warrants being so cold to Chizuru...right, Hijikata-san?"
Instead of hearing their Commander's voice, a strong wind pounded against their eardrums. For the longest time, it seemed no one dared to speak. At last, Hijikata turned his head to glance back at his men,
"...Let's go." Hijikata said nothing more and started off in the direction he and the others had come. Okita and Saito followed again without asking anything. However, Harada and the others weren't so obedient.
"W-What?! You mean we're just gonna leave Chizuru here, after we spent almost all night searching for her?" Heisuke cried, grabbing Okita's arm.
"What the hell, Hijikata-san? I know you're usually a cold-hearted SOB, but not this-"
Hijikata stopped only a moment to yell, "Enough! Either you come back with us, or you can leave the Shinsengumi just like her."
Shinpachi immediately shut up and lowered his head. Harada said nothing but kept his eyes on Chizuru who looked like she had just been shot with a firearm. The ladies man felt his heart clench tightly when he spotted more tears forming in Chizuru's eyes.
"Chizuru...Why-"
"Sano, it's like I said. Chizuru-chan doesn't think she belongs with us and that's why she left. Let her be." Okita yanked his arm away from Heisuke's grip and patted at the dirt on his sleeve, "Shouldn't we respect how she feels and let her do as she pleases?"
Harada flinched a moment, "Y-Yeah, but..."
"But nothing! Come on, you guys. If we don't hurry back to HQ, Kondou-san will be worried."
Heisuke, Shinpachi, and Harada all looked at each other in equal guilt. They looked back at Chizuru only to see the girl could no longer look up at them. Deciding there was no point in arguing any further, all men turned and began walking away. Heisuke was the only one who glanced back one more time with eyes that shined brightly like the stars in the sky,
"...Bye...Chizuru."
Chizuru POV
"Bye"? That's all I had been trying to accomplish all night, but now that my goodbyes were finally said, I...didn't want them to leave. Perhaps Okita-san misunderstood what I meant when I agreed with those rogue samurai. He must have seen my remark as if I was looking down on the Shinsengumi. But that was the opposite of what I'd meant. The Shinsengumi was precious to me. Each and every soldier were like a member of my own family.
Through my tears, I mumbled "...wait..." in the quietest tone. My word fell on deaf ears as I watched the men slowly begin to vanish into the darkness of the secluded alleyway. No...I don't want them to go. I don't want to be left behind again. I'd already been left by my Father. I may be a Devil but I surely didn't want to be alone.
I prayed with all my might that Heisuke-kun might turn back around and see the desperate look on my face. Or that maybe Harada-san, having the big heart he did, would try to argue with the others about what I said again. But I heard no one mention my name or speak any words the further from me they became.
I lifted a shaking hand, reaching out as if I would be able to grab one of them and pull them back to me. Tears fell to the ground like a waterfall; their reflections being distorted by the moonlight shining against my chocolate orbs. I repeated my quiet plea a little louder, but again, none of them seemed to hear me. Without ordering my brain to, I jumped up from the ground and lifted my head. Tears flew into the air, sparkling with the little bit of light that shined down into the dark area of Edo. I felt my small hair tie snap thanks to the force and speed I had used to raise my head. My hair fell all the way down to below my shoulders and began blowing in sync with the light wind passing me by. I felt violent hiccups start in from my heavy breathing.
"W-Wait..." For a moment, I thought maybe my voice had echoed to Shinpachi who seemed to stop a moment. However, after whipping off some excess filth on his shirt, he continued on.
I clenched my teeth together hard. So hard that I felt part of one of my teeth crack slightly. My extended arm ached with a sudden cramp, causing my fingers to bend even more towards the fleeing group.
I want to call out to them. I thought, but suppressed the urge. I couldn't. I was a Devil. How many times did I have to remind myself? If I stayed with them, I'd only continue to cause trouble. They had done so much for me already. How could I expect to stay with them any longer, Devil or not? I was always told never to be greedy. I wasn't going to start now. Still though...it seemed as if my emotions were stronger than the control over my own body. Because a moment later, I unclenched my teeth, parted my lips widely, and screamed out so loud that my lungs ached terribly,
"I SAID WAIT!"
My scream had not only startled myself but the others as well. As soon as my first word hit their ears, all of the Shinsengumi members froze and looked back at me with shocked faces. Embarrassed, I dropped my arm at my side and just stood there. Trembling from head to toe, tears still falling, eyes wide as could be, and face redder than the blood that stained the ground at my feet.
Heisuke was the first to say anything, "Chizuru...? A-Are you okay?"
"You...You don't look so good..." Shinpachi's comment sounded almost idiotic, but he was right. At this point, I must have really looked as crazy as a real Devil.
Through my poor emotional state, I managed to choke out some more plea-filled words, "D-Don't...go..."
I could tell from the looks on Heisuke, Harada, and Shinpachi's faces that they felt somehow guilty for how I was acting now. Saito stared back at me, his usual poker face skewered with a slight hint of worry. Hijikata still had a look of utter shock. Okita's eyes were widened just like Hijikata's but his lips were curled every so slightly at the corners.
"Holy crap, Chizuru-chan. Took you long enough to say something. Here I thought for a second that you really wanted us to leave." Okita's lips curled up even more, reminding me of a cat.
I sniffled loudly in confusion, "...W-What?"
Okita looked to Saito and Hijikata before nodding. The sneaky Shinsengumi captain began walking back towards me, "You're something else, you know that? Earlier, you tried acting all emotionless like Hajime-kun just to avoid telling us the truth. Then you torture yourself and try to keep silent when we joke about returning to HQ without you."
Behind Souji, I heard Shinpachi mumble to Harada, "Wait, that was supposed to be a joke? What kind of sick person makes a joke like that?" I then heard Harada respond with "This IS Souji we're talking about." But their comments didn't bother Okita at all.
"There is still one thing about your leaving that I don't understand." Souji began, "And that's WHY you don't think you belong with us. You mentioned something about the fact that you're a Devil earlier. Is that it?"
I blinked several times, trying to fix my blurring vision, but failed. I swallowed hard to avoid choking on my own tears and nodded, "Ye-Yes...I'm a Devil. I shouldn't...be with you all because...I'll just keep causing trouble. I'll taint everyone there. Kondou-san, Sannan-san, Inoue-san, Okita-san, Hijikata-san, Saito-san, Nagakura-san, Harada-san, and Heisuke-kun...I'll taint every single one of you."
"Taint?" I heard Shinpachi shout weirdly, "What the hell do you mean taint?"
"You make us sound like some sinless angels, Chizuru." Harada had a hint of amusement in his voice.
"We have killed more men then you could imagine, Yukimura-kun. If anything, I do believe we are the real Devils here." Saito mumbled, barely loud enough for me to hear.
"Besides, who gives a damn if you're a Devil," Hijikata-san started, approaching me with a stoic face, "I believe I had mentioned before that what you really are doesn't matter. Whether or not you think so, you have become a part of the Shinsengumi, just like the rest of us."
After what seemed like an eternity, my tears finally ceased. When I saw Hijikata-san's hand lift up and felt the tips of his fingers brush against the corners of my eyes, I blushed furiously. My eyes locked with his. For the first time since I'd met him, Hijikata-san's eyes weren't glaring at me. They weren't full of anger, irritation, or bitterness. His eyes were warm and filled with a gentle nature. Somehow, the look in his eyes...made my heart feel a thousand times better. It was as if a large burden had just been lifted from my shoulders.
"You may have the blood of a pure-blooded demon running through you, but don't think for a second that that matters to the Shinsengumi. If we had a problem with it, or thought you were a burden in any way, don't you think we would have kicked you out a long time ago?"
Hijikata-san's words felt like a saving grace that had fallen from Heaven itself. Everything he was saying seemed to blow away each and every one of my worries that I had been killing myself over ever since that day Kazama had told me the truth about myself.
"Does that mean...I can stay?" I held my breath, mentally kicking myself for asking such a question without even thinking.
Hijikata stared down at me with an unchanging expression that's meaning was unreadable. Another wind blew by, causing my long bangs to fly in front of my eyes, making it impossible for me to see. I grabbed hold of my bangs and quickly pushed them out of my eyes. I felt my heart stop when my sight fell back upon Hijikata-san.
His lips were parted and curled upward, giving me a slight glance of his white teeth. Though his bangs were covering most of his face, I could see that the warmness in his eyes had repainted itself in the smile and kind expression he wore now. I was positive my entire face was brighter than a rose.
"Moron," Came his deep voice as he gave my head a light whack. I moaned a little and looked back up to see the others were smiling just as warmly as Hijikata-san was at me, "Of course you can stay."
When tears began to resurface, Heisuke-kun threw out his hands in exasperation, "Oh no, d-don't start crying again, Chizuru! I can't handle it!"
"Me either, dammit!" Shinpachi agreed.
Harada ignored their paranoid reactions and handed me a part of cloth he had torn from his clothing. He petted my head and pointed at the cloth, "Use that to clean up your face. Then we can go back home and you can make us some of your delicious tea."
"Chizuru-chan's tea? I'd rather have some of her homemade noodles." Okita laughed.
Harada gave him a swift punch to the arm, "Bastard, don't be picky. You should be grateful with whatever she makes for us."
I heard the others begin to joke amongst themselves as if they were children again. The Vice Captain let out an uncharacteristic chuckle,
"Geez, these idiots." Hijikata looked back to me and nodded his head forward, "Well, let's get going. That is if you want to come back with us." His tone had a hint of cruel amusement in it.
I didn't hesitate answering him with an boisterous "Yes!" and ran back with the others as we prepared to return to the Shinsengumi headquarters.
As I walked home with them all that night, I realized something. I'm not a human. I'm not a perfect angel who is totally free of sins either. All I am is a young rare female Devil named Chizuru Yukimura. A simple girl who's learned to find a piece of Heaven in a hellbent group known as the Shinsengumi.
Author Comments: Holy crap, this fic turned out to be far longer than I had originally intended. It was supposed to be a short one-shot, but obviously it didn't turn out like that. I just kept writing, and whenever I started, I couldn't stop even though I really wanted to. It is for that reason that the ending might seem lazy. I apologize. I don't even know if anyone will read this because of how long it is. Again, I apologize. I do hope someone found enjoyment in reading this. It was a pain in the butt to write, but fun. I also apologize for any OOC-ness and mistakes along the way.
With that being said, thanks for reading and please leave a review letting me know what you thought.