Title: That One Photo Of Him
Author: Amaranti
Rating: T
Pairing: Sebastian/Blaine, mentions of Blaine/Kurt
Warnings: This is a fic with Cheerio!Blaine that is pretty angsty I feel like that should be a warning.
Summary: There's a photo of Blaine Sebastian cherishes terribly.
This is kind of based on my two tumblr posts. Thank you Amy for encouraging me to write it (I bet you were expecting something cute and fluffy yeah well I was expecting that too IDK what happened) and thank you Laura for your brilliant idea of Cheerio!Blaine wearing a Dalton uniform because aah. I could never do that image justice but it was very inspirational.
There's a photo Sebastian cherishes terribly.
It's a photo of Blaine in their senior year, when he dated Sebastian for a few months and then threw him away, with those stupid tears clinging to his eyelashes and his stupid fingers curled around Sebastian's hand, squeezing hard and painful and desperate for… Sebastian had no idea what. For forgiveness? Blaine didn't do anything wrong. He told Sebastian they are dating, but being boyfriends didn't mean Blaine had to love him or stay with him forever. For understanding? Oh, Sebastian understood it all. He wasn't enough, that was it. What Blaine felt for him, and what Sebastian tried to give him… it wasn't what Blaine wanted, or what Blaine thought he wanted, whatever, what's the difference?
In that picture, though, none of this can be seen. It's only Blaine with his cute little smile, honest and amused and just so fucking happy, and his breathtaking golden eyes, the WMHS in huge red letters visible on his Cheerios shirt, and the Dalton blazer on it. Sebastian's blazer. The one Blaine told him smelled so good, with his eyes cast down and that coy grin Sebastian still remembers. It felt like giving Blaine a hickey, the sight of his blazer covering Blaine's shoulders, something that made Blaine belong to him. It was nothing but a pathetic delusion, of course. The blazer didn't overwrite Blaine's loyalty neither to New Directions nor to Kurt, even though at that time New Directions was over and Kurt was his ex.
There are so many things that can't be seen on the photo. That Blaine tasted like Lima Bean coffee when they kissed just half an hour after the photo was taken, short and awkward and Blaine's fingertips trembling violently against the back of Sebastian's neck. Or Blaine's laugh, a sound that warmed Sebastian to the tip of his toes. Or all the things they talked about, homework and teachers and Christmas presents and Lacrosse practice is much harder, Blaine and You're a lot of fun, Sebastian, I really like you.
Sebastian loved the Dalton uniform for obvious reasons; it was basically the teenager version of his dad's suits, way cooler than anything public school students liked to wear. After the Warblers' Sectionals victory McKinley students staring at him in his blazer as he strutted down their hallway to find Blaine made him feel like he is on the top of the fucking world (he tried to ignore that he wasn't the captain anymore and he didn't think too much about how perhaps the girl who fainted also helped them win, even though the Warblers were better).
Sebastian loved the Cheerios uniform too. He couldn't explain why, though. When he thought about it it was just a tacky shirt with those way too big letters and simple red pants that were longer than Blaine's other pants. It wasn't fair, that the girls got to wear miniskirts but the boys couldn't wear gym shorts. Sebastian never got to see Blaine's naked legs, because the way the red fabric clung to the curve of his ass when he bent over to pick up his scattered books was magnificent, yes, but seeing skin would have been even better.
(Sebastian is going to spend a lifetime wondering how many times Blaine bent over only to tease him, and how many times he really did drop his stuff accidentally.)
Sebastian was a jock too, and jocks, straight or gay, like hot cheerleaders. So maybe what he liked was that it was a cheerleading uniform, not the uniform itself. He asked Blaine once if he would like to come to his lacrosse match. Blaine grinned enthusiastically, and even offered to ask Sue Sylvester to let him borrow pom poms. She likes me, Blaine laughed, and Sebastian remembers that his hand was warm in Sebastian's hand. Or well, she doesn't look at me like she wants to eat me alive all the time, only most of the time. I think that means she likes me.
But Blaine never actually came to any of his lacrosse matches, because they broke up not even three months after Blaine's phone call – Um, hi, Sebastian, I just… I broke up with Kurt, and if you still want me… – and Sebastian has to screw his eyes shut because the echo of Blaine's voice is soft, tentative, too clear, and Sebastian must be tipsier than he thought. The memory of the way Blaine sounded that night all those years ago is like a knife in Sebastian's heart.
He visited Blaine at Cheerios practice sometimes, watched him hoop and stretch and jump rope and wipe the sweat of his forehead with the back of his hand, watched Blaine notice him and give him a smile, and Sebastian liked to think Blaine was glad someone cared enough about him to visit him and then just go walk aimlessly with him until it got too late or too cold.
That was how he ended up giving Blaine his blazer, even though that was the cheesiest thing ever, giving your sweetheart your clothes because they were cold. Not that Sebastian ever considered them sweethearts. But he did put the Dalton blazer on Blaine, for the second time, except they were together now, not that that made any difference. Blaine didn't let him do anything but kiss and hug and hold hands.
Blaine never talked about exactly what happened between him and that guy on Facebook, but Sebastian is almost completely sure they fucked, because Blaine wouldn't have turned into such a mess even at the mere mention of it if it was just some making out with clothes still on. He said he regretted it so much, and it made him feel sick even thinking about it, and even though when he dated Sebastian he was single Sebastian knew he wasn't ready to have sex with anyone.
Being a Cheerio is a lot of fun, Sebastian, I really like it, Blaine told him a few days after they started dating, his fingers curled around his coffee, their thighs pressed together. Sebastian could feel Blaine's warmth even though two layers of fabric, bright red and dark blue, but it wasn't enough, he wanted more. Even though he knew he should be fucking grateful he has even this much. But… It's not New Directions. It's only something to keep me busy, to distract me… I don't blame you, because the Warblers did deserve to win, and of course I could never blame Marley either. But that's my real love, the glee club, not cheerleading… And don't even think about telling me to go back to the Warblers because you won, I don't even care that much about winning, I just want to sing and dance and have fun with my friends…
Maybe you'll learn to love it more than New Directions, Sebastian tried, even though he understood that Blaine's true love was performing, he had seen Blaine on the stage before. Blaine was made to sing and dance his heart out, to take the audience's breath away, to be a star.
It took Sebastian a while to understand that Sebastian compared to Kurt was what the Cheerios was to New Directions for Blaine, and when he finally realized it he felt annoyed and used, and if there was one thing Sebastian hated more than anything it was being used. And he told Blaine, words sharp and vicious and hiding that unfamiliar pain in his chest, that it's okay, it's not like Sebastian has actual feelings for Blaine, he just doesn't have anything better to do, and if Blaine wants to go back to Kurt that's cool, really, if Kurt decides he got tired of trying out all the hot New York guys and he wants Blaine back Sebastian won't fight for Blaine. He is pretty sure he will already be totally bored of him. Not even the Cheerios pants can hold his interest forever.
After that Blaine never gave him a smile like the one on the photo.
The photo is not on Sebastian's bedside table and he doesn't have it as his wallpaper on his phone or his laptop, because that would be fucking pathetic and what if someone sees it and asks Hey, who is that boy? But sometimes, when he feels lonely and cold after kicking his one night stand out of his apartment he just looks at that photo, only for a few minutes.
He wonders how amazing it would have been to fuck in the showers after practice, their uniforms lying tangled together and forgotten on the dirty public school floor, Blaine's skin tasting like sweat and hot water and his moans quiet and lustful right against Sebastian's ear. He wonders if they could have taken more pictures, Sebastian in his Dalton uniform and Blaine in his Cheerios uniform, because there was something about their contrast Sebastian really enjoyed. He wonders if Blaine would have grabbed his tie to pull him down for a filthy kiss, and would have let Sebastian's hands find their way into those red pants.
He remembers the Blaine Anderson captured in that photo, his Blaine, eighteen and Sebastian's boyfriend and talking about being single and moving on and how this is their chance, if Sebastian wants it too.
Sebastian wonders how different things would have been if Blaine really did manage to move on, forget about Kurt and fall in love with Sebastian, wonders if he could have learnt to truly love Blaine.
But in the end it doesn't matter, so he puts the photo away with a silent sigh he allows himself only because nobody is there to ask what it's about, and sets the alarm. He's a rich and busy man with a job most would kill for, and he doesn't have a lot of time reminiscing about his silly failed high school not-really-romance.
(And if he dreams about taking his lacrosse helmet off and seeing Blaine clad in red and white and black cheering for him with that same little precious smile he has on that photo, well, dreams are just dreams, and they don't really matter, do they?)