I loved the idea of getting inside Buffy's head on how she was feeling after she had to kill Angel. Please review and let me know what you think ! Thanks to the readers !

~Kaila G.

The winter here's cold, and bitter, it's chilled us to the bone
We haven't seen the sun for weeks, too long too far from home
I feel just like I'm sinking, and I claw for solid ground
I'm pulled down by the undertow, I never thought I could feel so low
Oh darkness I feel like letting go
If all of the strength and all of the courage, come and lift me from this place
I know I can love you much better than this
Full of grace
Full of grace
My love

She went to her house. No, scratch that, her mother's house first. Walking numbly down the street, the fact that she had just killed Angel, breaking her heart and soul. She needed to pack a bag. God, the ache in her heart. All she could see was Angel's face. He had looked at her, and she knew it was him. Really him. Willow had done it, the seemingly impossible spell to restore his soul. But it was too late.

She thought about it, with tears flowing. Thought about how he had looked at her with trusting eyes, as she told him everything was okay and that she loved him, then she jammed that sword into his heart. He had looked so scared, and she couldn't save him. She felt sick.

Buffy wiped her tears, and climbed into her bedroom window, as she had done so many times before. Sneaking home from being with Angel... She couldn't think about him right now. But then again, that was like asking her not to breathe.

She wrote her mom a note, it was the least she could do. Her mom was probably still mad, but Buffy knew this was going to hurt her. After scribbling down what was on her mind, she carefully placed the note on her bed, and continued packing, accidentally bumping her night stand. It was time to go.

As she jumped from her window ledge, she could hear her mother calling her name. She slung her bag over her shoulder and walked away from the house quickly. Walking away, she didn't look back.

She neared the school, but didn't go too close. Buffy could see Giles, Xander, Cordelia, and Oz. She also saw Willow in her wheelchair. She felt a wave of sadness for her friend. She loved Willow. The girl had put her life at risk to try to save Angel... But Buffy could not stay here, not in this town. She watched as they all turned to go into Sunnydale High, and she knew they'd be okay without her.

I need out of here, she thought to herself as she walked down the sidewalk. She needed to get away and start over. All her mind would allow her to do is keep replaying Angel's death over and over in a hellish, nightmare of a loop in her head. And it was killing her.

All this town was, was a big, heart aching memory. She had met Angel here, those dark, mysterious eyes drawing her in. She remembered him giving her that cross necklace, that was hanging down, resting on her chest. That night he had thrown her that box... No matter how annoyed by him she tried to act, he had her from hello.

Buffy tried not to think about it as she climbed onto the bus. She took a seat after paying the bus fare, and stared out of the window. That's when it really hit her... She was leaving. She saw the sign on the highway that read: 'Now Leaving Sunndale come back soon!'. The thought of staying in Sunnydale made her heart ache even more. Her mind drifted.

That one night, that one special night. The night that was supposed to be the most special night of her life, had torn her whole life apart. She had given everything up to him, had loved him. Then he turned into that hateful vampire... That evil vampire. Angel wasn't Angel anymore and she had known it.

They had made love, and then just like that, he was gone. The man she was completely and undoubtly in love with, had been right there, right there, his life in her hands. He had trusted her, and when she saw Angel return into those sweet eyes, she still knew she had to... kill him.

It hurt... She remembered that face.. when she... she stabbed him with that sword. That damned sword. The damn gypsy curse. The damn statue. Damn being the slayer, Buffy was done with it. Sick of it. All the hurt and the pain. She wasn't going to live her life like this any longer. She had to go.

She thought of Willow... How hard she had tried to save Angel. Buffy knew she would be proud that she had saved him... But sad that Buffy had to kill him anyway. The thought of her friends and Giles suddenly caused her heart to break all over again. She knew she owed them an explanation... But she couldn't. Not now. Now she just needed to leave.

Buffy tried to sleep, but everytime she closed her eyes, there was Angel's horrified face. She couldn't get it out of her head. The tears had stopped, maybe because she had no more left to cry. The bus hit a bump, and she felt the necklace jolt against her skin. She swore to herself she would never take that necklace off, as long as she lived. Besides the memories, that was all she had left of him.

Her chest ached, and she thought she might pass out at any moment. But unfortunately, no such luck. She tried to think of what she would do and where she would go once she got off the bus. But her mind wouldn't let her think about that. All she could see was Angel standing in front of her, that slight smile upon his face.

She wanted to smile at the memory, but her broken heart reminded her that he was gone, and that she would never see that smile again. She thought of how gentle he was... That night they made love, he had touched and kissed her so softly. Took things slow, and took the time to make sure she was okay through the whole thing. He had made it so special...

Then she remembered how he had acted... The things he had said. She remembered walking into his home and seeing him standing there. She had been so relieved to see him alive and well. But he wasn't well at all.

"Angel!" Buffy had exclaimed upon seeing him

"Hey." He had replied cooly. Buffy had went over to him and hugged him to her.

"Oh, God, I was so worried..." She said.

"Didn't mean to frighten you..."

"Where did you go?" Buffy asked.

"Been around." He replied shortly.

"I was freaking out. You just disappeared..." He broke away from her and grabbed his shirt off the bed.

"What, I took off." He said the words as if it was no big deal.

"Well, you didn't even say anything. You just left." Buffy said back.

"Yea, like I really wanted to stick around after that." Angel said, and Buffy noticed the emphasis on the word 'that'.

"After...what do you..." Buffy's head was spinning at his words.

"You got a lot to learn about men, kiddo. Although, I guess you proved that last night." His words stung.

"What are you saying?" Buffy asked.

"Let's not make an issue of it. In fact, let's not talk about it at all. It happened." He replied.

"I don't understand. Was I... was it...not good?" She asked, the hurt in her voice and on her face. He starts to laugh.

"No, you were great! Really. I thought you were a pro." He exclaimed.

"God, Angel, how can you say those things to me?" She asked him.

"Lighten up. It was a good time. Doesn't mean we have to make it a big deal." He said coldly.

"It is a big deal!" Buffy shot back at him.

"It's what?" He asked sneering. "Fireworks. Bells ringing. A dulcet choir of pretty little birdies. Come on, Buffy, it's not like I've never been there before." He puts a hand on her shoulder, but she jerks away.

"Get away from me." She said said, hurt etched in her voice.

"I should have known you wouldn't be able to handle it." With that, he started to leave.

"Angel... I love you." Buffy pleaded with him, her eyes full of sadness.

He winked at her. "Love ya too." He turned to leave. "I'll call ya."

That conversation had hurt her more than anyone could ever know. The things he had said, even though she knew it wasn't Angel anymore, would forever break her heart. The memory of how cold he had been still burned in her mind. He had hurt everyone she cared for, killed Jenny... But yet, her insides burned and she felt like it shouldn't have been him. She shouldn't have had to kill him, none of it should have happened.

She felt the tears running down her face before she even knew she was crying. Buffy wiped them away quickly, not wanting to draw attention to herself. She had enough problems as it was, and didn't need some stranger trying to pry into her life asking her a million questions. She let her hands fall back into her lap and exhaled a shaky sigh.

She thought of her friends again... Come tomorrow they would start to worry. Buffy felt so terrible for leaving like this... But she knew it was impossible to stay in Sunnydale. She wanted to die. She didn't want to live without Angel.

He had been, and still was, everything to her. Despite how it all ended, she was still in love with him. She tried not to think of him, but that was impossible as well. All he was, was a burned image in her head. The thought of his smile made her tear up again. A memory came to her suddenly.

"You still haven't told me what you want for your birthday." Angel noted.

"Surprise me." Buffy said, standing in the open doorway.

"Okay, I will..." He says, and they both smile, neither of them wanting to lose the moment. Buffy couldn't help but melt at the smile on his beautiful face. She was in love with that smile.

"This was nice. I like you first thing in the morning."

"It's bed time for me." He said.

"Then I like you at bed time."

She remembered how she had stammered after that last sentence, not sure of how he would take it. But he took it how he always did. He smiled. Buffy remembered how he was always so gentle and sweet with her, never trying to push her into anything, always letting her set her own pace. Gentleness... Another painful memory flashed in her head.

"Shhh.. I-" Angel started. Buffy turned to him. They were face to face, and Buffy knew she was his. The look on his face said it.

"You what?" She asked. He stayed quiet for a long moment, before finally answering.

"I love you," his face looked pained. "I try not to, but I can't stop-"

"Me too. I can't either." She said, and they kissed. But the kiss felt different, like the beginning of something big, and they both felt it. Angel stopped kissing her and pulled away.

"Buffy, maybe we shouldn't-" He started.

"Don't. Just... kiss me." She cut him off, and he did. They kissed tenderly, full of emotion and love for each other. Buffy let him lay her down, kissing her softly, hands exploring her body-

Stop it! Buffy willed her brain to stop torturing her. That night they had made love. She had given herself up to the only man she had ever really, truly loved. And then, she had killed him. Just like that, it was over. Everything was gone. She felt tears swell up in her eyes again, when suddenly the bus came to a stop. Buffy's head snapped up.

People were getting up to get off of the bus, which was now stopped in L.A. Buffy was shocked. It felt as if she had been on the bus for days, when only it had been two hours. She forced herself up, and stepped down the bus stairs. All of this was new, nothing looked familiar. Good, she thought.

Buffy took what little money she had, and found herself a small apartment. Sure, it wasn't the best in the city, but it was okay enough. She didn't care about that right now. All she cared about was getting away from Sunnydale, starting over fresh, forgetting about slayer duties, and forgetting Angel. Forgetting Angel seemed impossible.

She would look for a job in the morning. She closed the blinds of her new apartment, and layed down on the bed. When the tears came, she let them fall. She wanted to scream. She wanted to kill something evil. She wanted Angel back.

Buffy let herself fall asleep. At least she could be with Angel in her dreams.