so this is pretty angsty
like, really angsty
it'll get better, eventually, but I hope you are up for the ride.
If she were to be honest, she'd say she was tired.
If she were to be honest, she'd say that the red and blue and yellow grow incredibly dull when the weeks she doesn't see that specific tone of green stretch into months.
If she were to be honest, she'd say that some days she wishes she could just lie down and feel Astra's fingers running through her hair, a soft brush of nails periodically against her scalp.
But she doesn't have the privilege to be honest in that way.
So she keeps her tiredness to herself and keeps putting on her Supergirl suit every single morning, keeps trying to push past Snapper's critics and slip to his good graces.
She thinks she manages it, after delivering a particularly tough article about the life inside the infamous alien prison that almost blew people's minds. Literally.
Kara talked to that professor-slash-one-time-drug-dealer she once saved.
He mentioned her aunt twice, about how the woman was a presence acutely felt around the prisoners, and she spent the next minute trying to shake away the knot in her throat and the iron weighting her heart down.
But she keeps on going.
Despite missing Astra and despite having Mon-El to worry about and despite James always mentioning he has a video conference with Ms. Grant, Kara never finding a good enough excuse to be in the room while that happens, never finding a good enough excuse to check on the person who inspires her.
She keeps going.
She keeps helping the D.E.O capture fugitives and keeps getting herself into near death situations with bad guys.
Kara Danvers may be tired and may admit it if she was honest, but she keeps living her life as if things are okay.
And, for a couple of months she doesn't even have time to wonder about that part inside of her that seems to be curling into itself. She doesn't have time because Alex and Maggie hit this really tough patch in their relationship and Kara may feel a lot of things, but she puts it aside when her sister needs her.
When it's been a year since she'd heard that phrase, that little something that soothed her heart, that little something that reassured her that she'd see that person again, when it's been a year since she'd last seen that specific shade of green, they find Jeremiah.
The man is almost beaten to a pulp, tossed in a corner by what they later identify as one of Cadmus metahumans.
In that point, when they find the man and Alex's heartbeat becomes erratic and dangerous, Kara is honestly, truly afraid of what may happen to her sister if they lose him once again.
Things are complicated, after that.
Eliza comes over, means to stay as close to her husband as she can, and Kara makes room for her foster mother just as the woman had done when a certain thirteen-year-old blonde from outer space needed shelter.
Kara tries to reassure her family that everything will turn out fine (even though she feels desperation slowly, but firmly, clinging itself to her stomach).
She tries to reassure her family while running around town in search for stories and the people trying to destroy alien life on Earth.
And when she stops and realizes it, another three months have gone by.
Jeremiah woke from his coma after two and Maggie moved in with Alex after two and a half.
And then, when it's been so long that her uniform is almost colorless to her, when she is stepping out of a restaurant's bathroom (that gives her easy access through an open window and a loose vent duct where she can hide spare clothes) she spots a specific tone of yellow. Cut in a specific length and atop a specific body.
When it's been so long since she's seen that woman, Kara's eyes find Cat.
Her boss, her friend (are they friends still?) sits in a stool, her upper body twisted to look behind her, at the arcade in the corner of the room. And when Kara moves her gaze ahead, to where that specific tone of green must be set on, she sees Carter.
Notices immediately how the boy has grown.
Notices immediately how he has a little girl in his lap as he plays on the car-driving interactive machine.
Kara isn't affected by the elements. And she's pretty sure that the day is pleasant enough for people to put on loose dresses and shorts. But her chest still flutters.
When Cat turns around, a minute later, eyes drawn to the phone lying on the table, Kara knows that she needs to leave.
She knows it, because if Cat wanted them to meet, wanted people to know she was in town, Kara is sure the woman would have found a way.
Thankfully, of course, the arcade is right next to the exit.
Thankfully, of course, something makes Carter look up, see her, call her name.
Thankfully, of course, her heart is too big and too soft towards the boy for her to pretend she doesn't listen.
She indulges herself, because she's allowed to be selfish, once in a while, and lets her lips turn up, up, up, until she's full out grinning at him.
He stands from the machine, comes closer to her.
"I can't believe we'd run into you here, of all places."
Kara tilts her head slightly. She doesn't understand the innuendo.
"It's mom's favorite secret restaurant." He explains, the girl he is currently supporting on his hip hiding her little face against his neck. "Don't tell her I told you."
"Your secret's safe with me." She pauses, lets her grin morph into a fonder smile. "I didn't know you guys were back from… England, was it?"
"Yep." Carter fixes his hold on the girl and it seems such a grown-up act for him that she wonders if she'll have to stop thinking about him as a boy. "Got in a couple of days ago."
"Well, it's really good to see you."
And then she acts like a proper adult and looks into his eyes pointedly before shifting her gaze to the child in his arms.
"Oh, this is Abby, my sister." His smile gets so wide that Kara is afraid, for half a second, that his cheeks won't be able to contain it.
The girl, Abby, looks at her with dark, dark, dark, brown eyes and everything that Kara had been feeling, the tiredness, seems to come into focus.
"We met her when we were in London."
She notes how he doesn't use the word adopt, she notes how she immediately knows that Cat has adopted a daughter, not because it is the logical association, but because she catches the signs, the little things all over the child that directly point out Cat Grant as her parent.
The sparkly clip adorning the hairband keeping the girl's tight curls in place, the perfectly pressed, perfectly fitted violet polka dot dress and its matching, white shorts.
She knows Cat has adopted a daughter and Kara is so very tired and so very something, that she wants to fly out of the place and sleep for hours and hours and hours.
But she doesn't.
Instead, she waves at the little girl.
"Hi, Abby. I'm Kara."
"She's mom's friend." Carter whispers and does he mean it? Or is it just a simpler introduction than mom's former assistant?
Abby waves back and Kara is tired, but she still feels the urge to caress the little violet-clad back. She doesn't.
"Speaking of her." Carter says, starting to turn towards the booth where his mother still sits. "Did you see her? I'm sure she'd be glad to catch up with you. I mean, she wouldn't, with most people, but I'm pretty sure she would, with you."
"Actually, could you apologize to her for me? I'm in a bit of a rush." She turns her smile into a regretful one, into one that the boy (teen?) would buy. "Running after some intel for an ongoing article."
"Ah- alright, I guess." He frowns, seems to study her for a moment and he'd never reminded her so much of his mother as he does, then.
"I'm truly sorry, kid." She checks her phone, pretends to read something, so it'd seem like an important text. "I really have to go."
"It was good seeing you, Kara." He still looks at her with that soft frown as she starts backing away and she feels heavier, turning her back to the duo in that instant, than she'd felt while carrying Fort Rozz into space.
She is sure she truly needs to rest when she doesn't hear the steps approaching.
When she's practically alone in Catco and she doesn't keep at least one ear out for people coming closer to her.
She is sure she needs to rest when a voice hits her and she's startled.
"This building doesn't change, does it?"
She is sure she needs to rest when she looks up from her papers and meets that specific tone of green.
"Ms. Grant. I- I. Hi." Kara smiles. Forces herself to keep it friendly, not the unprotected one she truly wishes to give the woman.
"You met Carter today."
"Uhm, yes, yes, I did. Did he explain why I couldn't stay? I'm sorry I couldn't, but Snapper needed this crazy article STAT and I-"
"Oh, Kara."
Cat sighs and Kara stops talking. Because her heart gives a tug and the woman is right in front of her, those green eyes are staring back into her and she's so tired, so so so tired.
"I did miss your rambles."
It is said with a tight press of lips and when Cat lifts two fingers, fixes Kara's collar, like that one time, so many months prior, she feels the sting behind her eyes and the desperation in her stomach and the weight in her heart more acutely than she had in such a long, long time.
But then the moment is gone and the woman is turning towards the table in front of them, is leaning forward slightly to look at the scrambled pages and photos.
"What is this one about?"
"There's been some rumors about some illegal deals between some of National City's and Metropolis' governors. Snapper was a bit reluctant on running it, so we're trying to circle around it for a few editions, see the reaction, before hitting the spot."
Cat hums in understanding, picking up one of the papers.
Kara watches as the woman runs her eyes through the lines quickly, changing sheets not even ten seconds later.
"And you're not sure on which story to run first?"
"No, no, we are." She reaches over across the table and across the woman's arm to retrieve the only page that doesn't have anything atop it. "This one" She hands it over and tries not to think of how nostalgic it feels, to discuss Catco's stories with the company owner. "it's about a few historical buildings being knocked down in order to build a new department for City Hall."
Cat nods, but soon sets everything down and stands upward again.
"Did you meet Abby?"
Kara knows that the woman knows she did.
Kara sees the little girl's soft face, pressed against Carter's neck.
"She seems pretty amazing."
"She is."
Her lungs inflate at that, at how the woman's whole face seems to come alive at the mention of the girl.
"How- how did you…?"
"How did I adopt her?"
"How did you become her mom."
Cat smiles because of the phrase and Kara is so deeply tired, remembers the hug they shared over a year ago and thinks that it may feel like resting, if they shared another one again.
"You know how Catco helps a few businesses around each branch?"
Kara nods and tries to pay attention to the words instead of the soft spark on the woman's eyes.
"The last time I went to England, I came in contact with an orphanage run by a few nuns." Cat sits on a stool and Kara follows suit because it's hard not to. "They were good people with few investors, so I put them on the list. When I decided to take my leave of absence, I- I needed to go, Kara, I needed to see new places. And Carter's school had an exchange program with another school over at Yorkshire, so things fell into place."
Kara reminds herself to breathe, to focus on Cat, to focus on the voice that has been absent from her environment long enough for her to almost forget the warmth it usually got while speaking about Carter.
"I went to visit that orphanage while Carter spent the weekend with his father."
"Carter's dad moved?"
"A while before I left." The woman sitting beside her dismisses it with a wave of her hand and Kara locks the subject away. "Anyhow, I went to visit the place and Abby was there. And she was such a bright soul, I just-" Cat takes a deep breath, smiles fondly. "She was my daughter, as simple as that."
"And was Carter okay with it? With another kid coming to live with you? My sister and I- she's my best friend, but I know not every foster siblings get along so well."
"He was the one to suggest it. That I should adopt her." The blonde meets Kara's eyes once more and it is grounding, that look. "So I did. We stayed six extra months there so the process could be finalized and then we came home."
home.
home.
home home home
they came home
Kara stands up.
"I'll be right back."
And then she walks away.
Walks away from the person who cuts through her crap and who she had missed so acutely.
She walks away from Cat, into a bathroom down the corridor because Cat had come home with progress in her heart and a daughter at her hip and Kara had never left, but had never felt more stuck.
She feels her chest shaking and her eyes stinging and she bites her lips not to cry aloud.
She allows the tears to fall, but only silently.
She should be happier.
She should be so freaking happy because her sister is happy and her foster parents are relatively happy and her foster dad is alive.
Astra is dead and her mom and dad are dead.
Her planet is dead and there is an organization trying to make this a dead place for alien life, too.
She allows herself five minutes.
Five minutes to weep over the things she does not have courage enough to absorb and deal with.
But Cat Grant is a couple of doors down and one does not leave Cat Grant waiting.
When she walks back into the office, the table is organized.
Stacks of papers neatly in line, the chosen article in the middle, alone, perfectly visible.
Cat is still sitting on the same stool.
"Ms. Grant, you didn't have to."
"Well, I might as well do something while I waited for you to stop crying."
Kara sucks in a breath and lets her gaze drop and her head lower a bit.
"I wasn't. Crying. I wasn't."
"In which a year goes by and you're still a bad liar."
"Ms. Grant-"
"Look, before I- before I left, I wasn't good with people I cared about, Kara. I was awful, in fact. But I wanted to find new challenges and this, trying to trust more and help, this is my new challenge. So have a bit of faith in me, okay?"
She looks up again. Because she is allowed to be selfish, once in awhile and Cat, amazing and understanding and right there, is offering something she has been needing since the woman left.
"Everything is just- complicated, I guess."
And then there is the pinching behind her eyelids and she finds herself sitting beside the woman once more, fingers fidgeting in her lap and throat tight.
"And I really, really could have used your help in a lot of things."
Then there is silence and she closes her eyes, feels the pinching turning into more tears and she feels so weird, but so deeply grateful for being able to open herself up like this, like Kara, not like the Girl of Steel with her colorfully dull uniform.
Then she hears things shuffling and then, then she feels arms around her and it is so so so comforting, so so so automatic, to fall into the embrace, to take deep breaths and smell Cat all around her.
"I'm sorry I wasn't around, Kara."
It's a whisper and she shivers and bites her lips and nods, hugging the woman tighter.
"We're going to uncomplicate things, alright?"
She nods again and she was right.
She was right.
Hugging Cat, feeling the woman's arms around her, so willingly firm and secure, it takes a bit of the tiredness from within her, is a bit better than ten hours of sleep.
Having Cat around is like a breath of fresh air.
Not only because Kara had missed her so much (albeit that's part of the reason).
Cat is different.
Not completely, of course. She still almost bites Kara's head off while they talk on the phone one morning, but the woman apologizes a couple of seconds later, over the dead silence that usually followed Cat's sharp tones.
Cat apologizes and Kara feels her heart beating against her ribcage.
Cat is different.
She stopped drinking coffee, she informs once over message. She bought a pair of sweatpants after twenty years, even though she only puts it on when the children are in bed.
She sits on her living room floor every night, after Carter has done his homework, so they can both go through family photo albums with Abby.
Having the woman around, with her new-found willingness to small smiles and soft touches, has Kara being able to go to bed and actually falling asleep for hours on end.
Of course, Cat doesn't come back to work. Not on the first few weeks of her return.
She pops into the office every day, always in the afternoon and for half an hour tops.
"Leave them on the tip of their toes." She whispers to Kara one day while the boss leans over the younger woman's work. "So once that elevator opens at eight AM, they know it's on."
They share a smirk and later that day, Kara asks the alien spitting acid all around town to stop. She asks. Politely.
It doesn't work, of course, and she ends up knocking him out with a blow to the head, but she tries.
And that means a lot.
Means enough for Alex to smile brightly at her when she flies into the D.E.O. and enough for her to be able to look Eliza in the eyes when she arrives at her apartment.
It's just her luck, surely, that two days later she runs into Lillian Luthor and the wall Cat's presence had started to build around Kara comes crumbling down.
She manages to struggle off two of Cadmus' ultra-agents before she is able to escape.
"They are getting stronger, Alex. A lot stronger." She says, lying in the sunbed and trying to wrap her head around what she'd seen. "They had Kryptonite embedded in their bodies. Touching them was already so hard."
"But Hank got rid of all Kryptonite, Superman-"
And then her sister gets this angry look and excuses herself. Kara makes enough effort to catch a word out of Alex's conversation outside the room.
Red-K.
Red-K.
Red-K.
Shit shit shit
Max Lord.
They should have imagined he would find his way into the situation eventually.
When she's well enough, though, her sister tells her to go home. Says that Cadmus will still have kryptonite-soldiers come morning and there was no use for Supergirl if she wasn't well rested.
But the thought of going to her apartment, facing Eliza and Jeremiah is too much. The thought of seeing the man who had been stuck with that organization for so long, it breaks her heart.
So she flies around.
Knows that it isn't wise, knows that she really should rest, because her bones scream for to do so, but, still, she flies.
She takes in the noises of the city until they are mingled enough to almost sound like a song. Takes in the landscape and the smells (pollution aside).
And she also knows that it isn't wise of her to take a loop around Cat's building, knows that she is indulging too much in something that she can't have, but, still, she flies.
Kara is in time to see the ritual her boss had described.
Cat sits on her living room floor, Abby on her lap and Carter to her side, each of the older Grants holding one end of what looks like a hardcover book.
And she must linger for too long, because Carter looks up suddenly, just like he did that day in the restaurant, and catches her observing.
She's far enough away to rush out of sight, but then again, her heart is too soft and too big towards the teen for her to do so.
Carter stands in a jump, rushes to the balcony.
"Supergirl! Supergirl!"
He calls her, and she answers.
She gets closer and by that point Abby is beside him, little head just in level with the medium-height railing. Cat has a soft smirk on her lips, but the woman still stays seated on her rug.
"Uhm… I'm sorry, but are you the boy who helped with the train and the bomb?"
He smiles.
Wider.
Almost as wide as when he'd introduced his sister.
"Yes! Yes- er, yes."
She laughs, and she thinks he'd bounce on his feet if he was alone.
"Thank you, for that day. I wouldn't have been able to do what I did without your backup."
Carter seems to levitate. She wonders if he'd feel the same way, if he knew of her failures as much as he knows about her triumphs.
"And who would have thought you'd be related to the woman who named me?"
Cat approaches them at that statement, eyes on Kara, arms crossed, same smirk on her face.
"Leadership must be on our DNA." Cat says and Carter rolls his eyes.
His mother's son, sure enough.
Kara lowers herself in the air a bit, until she's at eye level with Abby.
"And what's your name, sweetheart?"
The girl's curls are loose, now, framing her small face in all directions and her dark skin glows even more against the moon.
Abby gives her a quirky grin and Kara restrains herself not to frown, on that second, because how come this child is not related to Cat Grant?
"We already met, silly."
The voice is thin, a bit raspy and her accent is prominent, even at such a young age, but the sentence still makes Kara's stomach drop. Still makes her almost certain that her flying power is out and she is indeed freefalling towards the ground.
Of course it'd take a unknown child two seconds to see through her costume.
Of course the Queen of All Media would be somehow in with it as well.
"What are you talking about? Of course you didn't." Carter is looking at his sister with doubt on his brow.
"I'm sure she meant she knows you from the news." Cat says, picking her daughter up and kissing the round cheek. "But this is my daughter, Supergirl."
"Nice- Nice to meet you."
She smiles and says goodbye a couple of seconds later, patting Carter on the shoulder as another thank you before rushing off.
When she does fly through her apartment's window, it is late enough for her foster parents to be asleep and for her to slip in unnoticed.
Kara takes a shower, puts on her pajamas and, for the first time in some weeks, doesn't sleep.
And then her phone beeps around two A.M and she wishes for the mattress to swallow her whole.
2:07:46 A.M
Cat Grant
Care to explain why my daughter thinks Supergirl wears glasses and is called Kara?
She breathes, but isn't entirely sure that it makes a difference.
2:10:05 A.M
Kara Danvers
I'm not sure what you mean, Miss Grant.
2:10:34 A.M
Cat Grant
Are you saying Abby is lying?
2:13:21 A.M
Kara Danvers
No, Miss Grant. I just don't know what it means.
2:13:56 A.M
Cat Grant
Nothing. It means nothing. Goodnight, Kara.
Kara keeps breathing and her lungs keep feeling like they are in flames.
She wishes she could just tell.
Or just disappear at once.
Maybe the D.E.O has a machine for that last one.
fic title is a translation from the song Dançando by Agridoce, a Brazilian band and chapter title from Run, Run, Run (the version with Kelly Clarkson and John Legend).
anyways, any thoughts?