I miss Australia, the red sand, the fiery sun and the lack of annoying accents. Now I find myself stuck in America surrounded by idiotic accents and strange people going on about Greek this Roman that, truly boring if you ask me. Said strange people, currently telling me to run from a fucking giant ass, mythological, should not exist, acidic snake, how could this day get any worse. Oh yeah, I just watched my aunt melt, literally melt into a puddle after being hit with acid from this fucking snake. Not much of a loss there, but still she was my ticket back to Australia.

I stood atop a lonely hill looking down on my aunt puddle and the dripping armless lizard thing. Naaaah, we were in Maccas when this thing crashed through the roof. Being the selfish teenager I am I grabbed my food and took shelter under my table. I could not let my happy meal be taken by this horrid moving vine. In a swift moment of pure luck I pulled out my my little pony toy and ripped off its pink head. The bodiless voices told me to. Then as if by magic the horse turned into a black katana. Fuck Yeah!

I've never used a katana before but they look hella cool. Black as midnight this is one sexy blade. Standing I faced the slithering lizard.

"To save my Happy Meal!"

I charged. Pretty stupid I know but my food must be protected if I am going to enjoy the taste of my future diabetes. Tripping and stumbling under the weight of the blade I inch my way closer to the spitting beast. Just as a glob of acid is spat at me I stop drop and roll my way towards the source of the bane of my stomachs existence. The creature seems to fear my blade. Best toy ever! With moves only a gamer would know I nicked the hide of the snake, dislodging a scale. Piercing the new weak point on its hide I speared the snake like we Aussies do, ready for roasting. Yum! Not really that would be gross and the snake left.

"What the fuck was that?"

"That was a drakon, and you are a demi-god."

"Who the fuck are you?"

"Grover Underwood, Satyr at your service."

"Pleasure. Now please explain why that drakon almost ruined my food."

"I don't think the drakon was after your happy meal. Please come with me so you don't die soon."

"Why would I die? I NEED ANSWERS, AND ANOTHER HAPPY MEAL!"

"THEN GET ANOTHER HAPPY MEAL! YOU CAN HAVE YOUR ANSWERS AT CAMP!"

"YAY! You shouting or dud I kill that drakon for nothing?

"Yeah sure whatever."

The boredom was making me crave another Happy Meal. What happened to my black death sword? Eh. Doesn't really matter, you shouldn't trust the voices anyway. I hear they make people burn things. Is it just me or am I really lucky, though my way out of America melted and my katana vanished but I didn't die and I GOT A FREE HAPPY MEAL! I THANK ALL THE GENEROUS GOAT DUDES THAT SHOUTED ME FOOD. THIS IS FOR YOU GROVER, mind hug.

Camp. Wow. Not what I was expecting. Cue dramatic music. It actually looked pretty normal if you ignored the fucking lava wall. What kind of camp has a LAVA WALL? THIS CAMP RIGHT HERE! Now this is live on edge. If you thought Australia was deadly you obviously haven't seen a lava wall. The tour began. A blonde, grey eyed girl lead the way, her name was Anna-something. Doesn't really matter since I kinda zoned out at the start. When we arrived at the lava wall I ditched the Anna-chick and ran for it. Now this is my kind of party. I took a running jump at the wall and scaled like a natural, almost like a goat. Haaah puns are great, y'know cuz Grover's a goat. Anyway, ADHD sucks when you're telling a story. Lava, so much lava. It was great, like being embraced by the fiery bosom of Hestia the hearth goddess, she lights the flame of my hungry heart. Not really, flames just remind me of food and hearth is flames thus her bosom is the place to be. Mmmmm food, when's dinner? I haven't eaten since my last Happy Meal.

Yay! DINNER! I ran down the hill towards the campers. I think on the wall I was claimed but it doesn't matter. I sat with table 19 with my half siblings. Ooo YOU CAN EAT WHATEVER YOU WANT?! BEST DAY EVER! I went through like ten Happy Meals at dinner. I can almost taste the diabetes. Almost. Then everything changed…

"Why does he have a flaming hammer?"

"Why don't you have a flaming hammer?"

"Who are you?"

"I'm the Super-sized McShizzle, man! I'm Leo Valdez, bad boy supreme."

"Oh"

A flaming hammer was then dropped in MY FOOD!