Disclaimer: I don't own The Vampire Diaries
A/N: This story contains very serious, sensitive mental health issues like depression, panic attacks, self harm, and suicide. Please be cautious when reading and if you are dealing with any of the above, please use caution and care when reading if you feel especially susceptible to any kind of trigger. This story's title was inspired by "Wake Me Up" by Avicii and Aloe Blacc, but the version covered by Lea Michele on Glee. That version is more slowed down and very melancholy, which fits the mood of this fic.
Bonnie Bennett's dragged her feet across the forest floor, filling the quiet atmosphere with the sounds of hurried footsteps as she made her way through the familiar path through the dense woods located on the outskirts of Mystic Falls. Ever since she got back to the land of the living, she couldn't stay one day away from the forest—a place that became a haven for her during a steady but quick descent into a mental breakdown. Bonnie couldn't explain why she felt so many negative emotions course through her every second of everyday since she returned, but she felt completely lost in her own miserable thoughts. She supposes that she should be happy to be among her friends. No family though, since they are all dead. The thought raced through her tired, broken mind creating a sense of sadness and bitterness to consume her. Her pace quickened, and her magic touched the natural world around her, causing the branches of the trees to move in a steady, swaying motion that continued on as she walked. Her friends. Caroline, Stefan, Matt, Elena…Jeremy…Damon. The last name forced Bonnie to stop for a moment. She remained frozen for a long pause with only her hands shaking as the only sign of movement from her. Even her eyes just lost…something. She missed him. This second thought incited Bonnie to move fast, quickly resuming her walking trance. She couldn't even think about him for some reason. There had been an amazing growth in their relationship, and while she was on the other side, that lighthearted but strong connection nourished her. But, ever since she was brought back from the dead, something has changed within her. The thought tore through Bonnie so fiercely and instilled a deep pain that reached her core. The young witch had to clutch her head and close her eyes that began to tear up. She just felt so sad in this moment.
"Why?" Bonnie lamented to the empty space. "Why do I feel so alone and awful? I have always willingly sacrificed myself for the people I love and never thought twice about whether they would do the same. It didn't matter. I always did it." Bonnie's voice rose steadily with each word she spoke to herself, "But, I feel so alone now because of it. I am always left behind." She laughed darkly, "Even Kai escaped from the Other Side before me." Her forced laughter transitioned into a hysterical cry, "I'm never…first. Oh my…" Bonnie paused once again, suddenly sensing the arrival of a severe panic attack. Deciding to give up, Bonnie slowly fell to the ground, her body completely debilitated due to her despair, and her cries grew in force and desperation. Soon, her throat began to close, cutting off her air supply with each second that passed. She didn't know what to do with herself—she lost all control over body and mind to the point of almost blacking out.
After her vision cleared and the intense effects of her mental breakdown slowed down, Bonnie lifted her head to survey her surroundings, panic slightly rising when she couldn't remember what happened during her panic attack. Her eyes immediately focused on her arm. Bonnie was clutching a short, jagged piece of a branch that had been lying on the ground and deep scratches adorned her arm. Her eyes widened at the damage. How did I do that? The disbelief stunned her momentarily, but the feeling eventually passed and pure, raw desolation took its place. She rested her head against her arm and cried. Her sobs reverberated through the woods.
That's how he found her.
Damon had been frantically calling Bonnie's cell for hours with no response. He wanted to know how she was doing, but she has been distancing herself from everyone. Frantically walking through the woods, Damon's eyes scanned his surroundings for any sign of her. His frenzied state stopped for a moment when he picked up on the faint sounds of sobbing. Dread filled his body at the sound—he knew exactly whom the cries belonged to—and the realization drove him forward at lightening speed until he reached her. The sight before him almost sent Damon to his knees—Bonnie Bennett, the witch, the strongest person he knew, was lying on the ground injured and wailing. "Bonnie," he murmured. He rubbed his eyes roughly when he felt the faintest sensation of tears, and moved closer to her. Hesitating, Damon reached out to touch her arm.
The sensation snapped Bonnie back to reality. Her instincts kicked in, propelling her away from the touch, and rolling over to a sitting position. Her heart skipped at the sight of Damon.
"Damon?" she whispered, sniffling. She looked directly into his icy blue eyes, but the sadness in them made her look away. A couple of stray tears fell down her face even after her sobs slowed down.
Moving forward, Damon stared in shock when Bonnie violently recoiled from his touch.
"No, no, no" she repeated hurridly, "Please, don't touch me. Don't…" her voice trailed off and continued to back away.
Taken off guard by her erratic behavior, Damon could only watch her. "Bonnie," he called her again. "Please..." he took a deep breath, "What's wrong?"
Bonnie shook her head, "Nothing," she stuttered. She gasped when Damon used his super speed to move closer to her, trapping her in his arms. "Damon," she cried sadly and warningly.
Damon ignored her pleas, deciding to grab the back of her head in a fierce grip. "No, you can't tell me that nothing is wrong." The smell of blood caught his attention, he fought the enticing aroma; instead, focusing on the horror he felt at the sight of Bonnie's arm. "No," he whispered with wide eyes, "Bonnie," he repeated.
Bonnie bowed her head in shame and placed her hands on his chest, trying to distance herself from him. She almost felt comfort when he embraced her, but she knew that it wasn't smart to give into the emotion. She would just be disappointed.
When he felt her push away from him, Damon just tightened his grip. The two stood in a stifling silence—both burdened by sadness for different reasons.
"What happened?" Damon inquired timidly. He didn't want to know the real answer. "Did you fall?" He clenched his jaw, waiting for Bonnie's explanation.
Taking a deep breath, Bonnie squeezed her eyes shut and released one more frustrated cry. "Nope," she retorted, "I did this all by myself. On purpose." She pulled away from him, taking advantage of the vampire's current stupefied state. He just stared miserably at her. The look in his eyes hurt her heart, inciting her to break eye contact with him and sit down on a nearby tree stump located at a comfortable distance from Damon. "I just need to be alone," she pleaded weakly.
Snapping out of his trance, Damon slowly approached her. "You've been alone enough, wouldn't you say?" Damon winced at how harsh his words sounded out loud. The last thing he wanted to do was hurt her in any way—on the contrary, he wanted to comfort her. If only she'd let him near her. Dropping to his knees, Damon tried to soothe her. "I don't want you to be alone, Bonnie. You are not meant to be alone, no matter what you say. Especially now that I finally discovered how much I was missing in my life from not getting to know you…talk to you," he paused to grab one of her shaking hands. He brought it to his lips, "You're not getting rid of me easily." One side of his mouth lifted in a small smirk, but it didn't reach his eyes.
Bonnie exhaled, her breathing labored and struggling. Despite her tears, she tried to give Damon some form of a smile. "I appreciate you being here Damon, I really do," her confessions was extremely sincere for she knew how much Damon tried to get her back when everyone else was either doubtful or focused on other things. She continued, her voice wavering when new tears trailed down her face, "But, I don't think there is anything out there in this world that can make me feel better. Nothing." She focused her gaze at some random point in the distance, spacing out after her confession. She admitted it out loud. Finally.
Trying extremely hard to keep his composure, Damon pressed the issue as gently as possible. "What are you talking about Bonnie? Explain it to me. I can take it. You know you can tell me anything, right?"
She released a shaky breath and allowed the words to spill from her mouth. "You know, I have always been willing to die for others. Maybe, dying on my own terms for my own reasons would be a way to focus on me. Be selfish just this once."
The disturbing words were uttered in such a quiet tone that Damon had to take a minute to truly process her words. Once he was finished, he could finally confront the severe reaction his body and mind had to her words—a sudden spike of pain afflicting his no longer beating heart and the desperate feeling of despair that ran through his whole body. She's contemplating suicide. Bonnie. The sudden onslaught of intense feelings prompted him to give into his default mode—angry and aggressive.
Grabbing her arm roughly, Damon leaned in closer to sharply retort, "Don't ever say that." When he noticed her already distraught face flinch at his threatening tone, he loosened his grip on her arm, settling on a soft hold as he continued. "I will watch you 24/7 witch." His voice softened as he noticed her begin to shake violently and the pace of her tears falling down her face quicken. She started to sob again, achieving the feat of breaking Damon's heart further. "Bon Bon, please just talk to me. You—you're scaring me." The confession shocked both himself and Bonnie.
"I'm so sad," she confessed honestly. Her eyes glazed over, retreating into a hypnotized state. "I should be dead. There's nothing for me."
"Bennett," Damon pleaded.
Bonnie felt paralyzed by Damon's sad reaction. Not being able to help herself, she reached out and gently placed her hand on the back of his head. Her action provided Damon with a signal—prompting him to place his face on her lap. He rested it there, finally allowing a tear to escape his eye now that Bonnie couldn't see.
"Damon, I'm not Elena. You don't have to feel like you need to save me. I manage on my own."
Damon immediately challenged her, "I know you do, but…"
"You shouldn't worry," she interrupted him, "You have everyone important here with you. Your brother and Elena. They would do anything for you. Focus on them and be happy." My father, Grams, even Jeremy…finished.
Damon frowned, completely confused with her point. "You're forgetting someone."
Bonnie nodded softly and whispered, "Alaric and Enzo, too."
He shook his head vigorously, "Not whom I meant Bonnie." He raised his head from her lap and gripped her chin, tilting her face downwards to look into his eyes. She eventually met his gaze. Bonnie understood and offered him a weak smile to give him the silent signal; however, it quickly disappeared. She felt alone, used, forgotten. The still new, fragile friendship they developed so quickly over a short period time did not reassure her. If anything, it made her more nervous for the status of their friendship. When would it end? Her strong bonds—family and Jeremy—were gone, so it was only a matter of time.
Damon tugged at her chin in an attempt to get her back. "Hey," he beckoned softly, "What about you? How could take yourself from that list? You're there Bonnie…you're there." His voice faltered when hesitated over a set of words that were ready to leave his mouth. "I didn't know what to do with myself when you sent me back here without you."
Bonnie's eyes gaze never wavered as Damon confessed. "For me, too." She admitted easily.
Stroking her chin, Damon shrugged his shoulders and tried to continue talking her off the ledge. "So, let's focus on that. You and me. BFFs." He smirked softly, his blue eyes lighting up when he saw the faintest trace of a smile grace her worn face. "Okay?" he nudged her knee, hoping for some eye contact.
Bonnie could only manage a nod in agreement. After a moment of silence, spoke again. "I think I'm going to take a walk. I need to move to clear my head."
He nodded encouragingly, his expression softening. "Okay." He paused for second to let her gather her thoughts before he would announce that he was coming with her, but she beat him to it.
"Walk with me?" Bonnie's eyes never left the ground as she made the request.
Smiling softly, Damon stood up and pulled Bonnie with him, never letting go of her hand. "Of course."
Finally looking him in the eye, Bonnie released a shaky breath and began to lead them through the woods. Their hands never separated.
Not able to take his eyes off her for a second, Damon allowed Bonnie to lead him through the complicated route filled with trees and wildlife. Her expression—a mix between misery and loss—never changed. Tears fell from her eyes and her breath became labored once again. It was hard to move. "I think," she began with hesitation, "I don't think I'll be safe on my own." She used her free hand to place it over her aching heart. "I need a doctor or something. Damon I can't feel anything but sadness. I don't know what to do."
He stopped moving to wrap another arm around her waist, literally being the only thing holding her up. "Tell me what you need Bonnie, anything."
"I need help," she whispered as she placed her head on his chest. "I don't feel like I should be here. Death would be easier than being alive with all of this pain."
He held onto Bonnie tighter, his arms shaking from nerves. He just couldn't believe what he was hearing. "I'm taking you to a hospital," his voice determined. "I'm not risking losing you."
Bonnie's heart fluttered in response to his words. She stood on her tip toes, wrapping her arms around his neck, and settling her head on his shoulder. She held on tightly. "I'm sorry," she cried against his shoulder. She felt like she was transferring her burden onto him, and she didn't want hurt him. He had experienced enough pain and should now be enjoying his time with his brother and Elena.
"I don't want you to ever apologize for your feelings. Please, always tell me when you're not feeling well," he pressed his lips against her temple. "Promise?"
Bonnie nodded her head without lifting it from its place on his shoulder. "Yes," she offered weakly. That's all Damon needed to hear to keep him satisfied…for now at least.
Picking her up, Damon kept his lips pressed against her head as he walked through the forest and back to his car. He never thought he would bring someone in his life to the hospital—mainly because the majority of them were vampires—but Bonnie's human life was so fragile. He couldn't risk it. Placing her in the back seat of his car, he shut the door and sat in the driver's seat. Before starting the car, he leaned over looking for something on the seat next to him. When he returned to a sitting position, he was holding Ms. Cuddles. The sight of her made Bonnie sigh in relief even though more tears fell from her eyes.
"Okay, Ms. Cuddles. I'm returning you to your mommy now," he cooed while gripping the bear. "I know you'll miss me, but I promise to visit all of the time." He shifted in his seat to face Bonnie and handed her the bear. Bonnie received it gratefully, hugging the bear to her chest once it was in her arms.
Damon watched her interaction with the bear with a smile on his face, "What do ya say Bennett? Mind sharing custody?"
Bonnie met his gaze, "I have been a single parent all of my life. I'm sure that Ms. Cuddles has always wanted a daddy, so of course." She offered him a weak smile that didn't quite reach her eyes and continued to clutch the bear. "You're saving me Damon." Bonnie confessed hesitantly, "If you weren't here in my life then I don't know where I would be." She broke their eye contact to focus on the bear resting against her chest. The words lingered between the two new friends.
"Me too Bonnie," Damon whispered. "Remember that, okay?" When he saw the faint movement of her head acknowledging his words, he took it as a sign to turn around and start the car. He drove her to the hospital, hoping that his witch would pull through, and for the first time, in over a hundred years—since he became a vampire—prayed.
A/N: Okay, I realize this was a really sad, heavy one shot. But, I just feel heartbroken when I watch what the writers are doing to Bonnie, so I felt compelled to write this. Her breaking down after realizing that she missed her chance to be go back with Damon and Elena pretty much destroyed me. I know there has never been any hint of Bonnie dealing with a mental health issue like depression on the show, but it is very likely that it could happen after all of the suffering she has endured. To me, she could come back from her isolation in a completely broken state, so this is my take on a possibility of how she changed after her experience on the Other Side. I took a break from by other project, which is Bonnie/Kai centered to this Bonnie/Damon centered story. For some reason, I am on a role with the TVD fics lol This never happens, so it means that I am extra, beyond frustrated with how the show treats my favorite character. Thanks for reading!