Crack! It could have been a distant lightning strike.
The night air, cut with screaming winds and punishing bullets of rain, neatly concealed the sound of Severus Snape apparating just outside the wards of a small cabin in the woods, barely visible through a thicket of brush. A warm light filtering through the foliage told Snape that someone was home.
It had been less than a week since Severus Snape, known Death Eater and cold-hearted bastard, had stood on a hilltop and surrendered himself to Albus Dumbledore. Just days since he had seen the Dark Lord—really seen him—clearly for the first time in his life.
His sudden clarity had brought about a new wave of self-loathing, but also a renewed sense of purpose. His priorities were now clear to him, and surprising. Power was malleable, easily gained and easily lost, and meaningless if it meant he couldn't protect those around him. The few people he could count as true friends, however, once lost, were lost forever.
Snape shivered, pulling his thick traveling cloak tighter to shield his frame against the elements, took a steadying breath and lowered his head against the rain to run to the cabin door. Mud slapped beneath his boots, and not even the water repelling charm he had cast on them could erase the bone-deep feeling of dampness.
He and Dumbledore had agreed on this safe house in the forests of Scotland as a staging area for the plans to protect the Potters. He had been apparating there late for the past few nights to clear his mind and, if he were being honest with himself, hoping against hope to run into a particular familiar face.
Soaked, he knocked urgently on the door. He felt a solid rock forming at the bottom of his stomach.
A few moments ticked by, with only a faint shuffling inside to indicate anyone had heard. Snape was sure they were checking the wards to see who was unexpectedly on the doorstep at this odd hours.
"I come in good faith, I mean you no harm!"
Nothing. He didn't blame them. He wouldn't have answered if the tables were turned.
"Please!" he tried again. "I'll swear you an Oath, just let me in."
"Snape! If you don't leave now I'll hex you to oblivion!" cried the voice inside, female, laced with panic.
A different tactic, then.
He opened the mail slot on the front door and dropped his wand through, letting it clatter on the wooden floor.
"I'm unarmed, I'm at your mercy. Please let me in."
Then, in his increasing desperation, "Dumbledore sent me."
Snape was thoroughly soaked now. The seconds ticked by and nothing happened. Just as he was regrouping his thoughts to try again, the door edged open, a beam of light falling across his shoes, and two wands pointed directly at his feet.
"What on Earth are you doing here?" Lily Potter's voice was steely, and Snape knew he was one misstep away from being stunned or worse. "Are you here to kill me? I swear to you I'll kill you first."
"Dumbledore granted me use of this safe house," Snape said evenly.
"Don't play me, Snape, you're not on our side."
"Would I have been able to get through the Order's wards on this place were I not?"
The two wands pointed at his chest didn't move, but the door inched open slightly further, revealing a glaring Lily Potter, emerald eyes glinting dangerously.
Snape could have stood there forever. It didn't matter that Lily's posture screamed hatred and distrust, that her gaze reduced him to little more than a disgusting insect. She was here, in front of him, whole and healthy and alive.
He didn't notice as he held his breath, taking in the sight of the woman before him. It had been years since he'd last stood this close to her, and even longer since he'd looked into her eyes.
Something about him must have spoken to Lily Potter, though. As she glared at the pale man before her, soaking wet and shivering, her eyes softened. He looked more like the boy she had been best friends with, and less of the man she hated he'd become.
"Fine, get in. But you'll find yourself in a full body bind quicker than you can say 'Gobstones' if you try anything funny. And I'm keeping this," she said, jabbing his wand in his face.
Snape threw his hands up in mock surrender as he stepped through the threshold. It seemed he had caught Lily making an evening pot of tea. Steam was pouring off the kettle and the scent of chamomile hung lightly on the air.
He removed his soaked coat and hung it in the foyer, running a hand through his hair to pull some of the rain from his locks. Lily kept the wands trained on him, but didn't humor him with a warming or drying charm, preferring to watch him struggle with his wet clothes.
"You're a Death Eater," she stated baldly. "Don't try to deny it. I know what you've been up to, whose company you've been keeping."
"I don't deny it. I took the Mark nearly three years ago."
"Then give me one reason I shouldn't bind you and throw you out of this house, Dumbledore or no."
"I…I've had a recent change of heart."
Lily barked out a laugh. "A little late for that, no? I think the damage has already been done."
"Some of it, yes, but I hope to salvage the worst possible outcome." He eyed her searchingly. "When will you go into hiding?"
"What?" she snapped, her eyes whipping up to meet his. "What do you know about that? You can't know about that."
The tea kettle started whistling, but Lily seemed not to notice. Snape's eyes flicked to the kitchen.
"Evans…"
She cut him off: "It's Potter now."
"Fine, Lily…I'm not here to harm you. Can I pour us some tea and we can talk with no wands between us?"
She glared at him still, the fire in her eyes still as lively as when they were kids. It was mesmerizing, so full of life and beauty. So different from the eyes he saw a typical day: cold, malicious, calculating.
She relented reluctantly. She drew her wand up and placed a series of protection and privacy wards on the door to one of the rooms—no doubt where the Potter boy was currently sleeping—then placed the two wands on the counter.
Snape moved towards her, but stopped when she drew back, choosing instead to lean on the kitchen counter.
"It's good to see you well, Lily. It's been…a while."
She glared at him. "Ah yes, so well, holed up here in my safe house, hiding from a man trying to murder my son. I don't know about you, but this life was not Plan A for me."
Snape shook his head ruefully. "Nor me. There was a time I wanted this, but not anymore."
"When did that happen?"
"Recently," Snape evaded. "I was never naive about the Dark Lord, but his recent actions have showed me that our goals are not aligned."
She looked at him skeptically. "I spent years trying to show you that in school, Snape. You didn't see it then."
"But I see it now."
"I don't know if I can believe you."
"Dumbledore believes me. That should be enough for you."
She tutted her tongue against the roof of her mouth and took a long sip of her tea.
"You were always clever, Snape. Dumbledore told us that You Know Who had put you up to spying on him. Not very well, mind you. If you have Dumbledore convinced, you're either cleverer than we all think, or truly contrite."
"It was you," Snape said so quietly Lily was sure she didn't hear him correctly.
"It was you that turned me. I overheard Trelawney's prophecy and took it to the Dark Lord. I…I panicked when I saw how he had interpreted it, that he was going to go after you. It's my fault you are in hiding. I tipped Dumbledore to the Dark Lord's plans, and swore an Oath to him in exchange for promises for your safety."
Silence. He didn't dare look up, but it was as if both of them had stopped breathing.
"Dumbledore told us he had an inside source. We all wondered…so it was you," she stated calmly.
He nodded, still not daring to look up.
"I'm…I'm sorry Lily," the apology sounded awkward and unpracticed in his mouth.
"Why me? Why did this tip you? When You Know Who has committed a thousand atrocities worse than simple murder before."
Snape took a long sip of his tea in order to stall his answer. He could feel her eyes burning into him.
"I think you know why."
"You made your choices, long ago. Our friendship was not one."
"Friendship, yes," he choked. "Losing you as a friend was the worst day of my life. But that wasn't all."
He looked up and met her eyes. Eyes that were still guarded, but held something from a past life that Snape remembered well. His heart gave a little jolt.
"When we were young, you were my first friend. The only person who understood where I came from, who I was. Nobody else ever tried. I was always the cold, awkward kid with ill-fitting clothes, a hooked nose and greasy hair."
He drew breath. "You were my best friend, but I also felt things for you that you could never reciprocate. I knew I could never fit in the way that you, Potter, Black and the others did. I've accepted this now, but I couldn't forgive myself for it then. I liked you, but I wasn't worthy of you."
He couldn't tell if the look in Lily's eyes was pity or horror. When she spoke, her voice was low and even, suppressing her thoughts.
"So you had a schoolboy crush. That doesn't mean…"
"It wasn't a crush!" he spat viciously. "Don't you see? Crushes fade, they are the product of youthful attraction. This was different. I had no choice but to love you—to continue to love you, unreciprocated, from afar! It wasn't the memory of some lost fantasy that changed my mind, that brought me back to the Light. It was the idea that the person that means most to me in the world was in danger, and it was my fault. It hardly matters that you could never return my love!"
He was breathing hard now, heart beating a hole through the center of his chest. Lily sat her cup of tea down, before approaching him slowly.
Lily took a long look at the man she'd grown up with in Cokeworth many years before. In the time since she last saw him—Hogwarts graduation—he had changed. His face was thinner, more pale. He had grown taller, or at least his shoulders were no longer hunched, reminding her of those times she had spent alone with him, away from the cowering effect of his bullies. His brow now seemed constantly furrowed, whether from concentration or disdain or as a way to conceal his true thoughts, she couldn't quite tell.
He wasn't lying, she knew him well enough for that. Severus Snape was always able to be enigmatic to everyone but her.
"Severus," she said softly, reaching up to push a damp lock of black hair back from his crumpled brow. He flinched almost imperceptibly, meeting her eyes in a look of guarded terror.
"You're wrong, you know. You're not the monster you make yourself out to be."
He hissed and tried to move away, but she grabbed his upper arm and held on tightly.
"I know you're not a cuddly man, Severus, but you're a better man than you give yourself credit for."
"You were wrong about me too," she added lightly. "I did reciprocate those feelings, for a time."
"What?" said Snape. His anger was gone, his voice wounded.
"I know you can't see it, but you're a very striking man, Severus Snape. You were a compelling figure to me, even when we were kids."
"Why..why didn't…"
"I didn't tell you because I didn't understand what I was feeling. These things are complicated, Severus, they take time, and I didn't want to lose you. As it turns out, we lost each other anyway."
They were standing so close now, too close for Severus' comfort. But here was Lily, right in front of him, saying what he had been hoping to hear for over a decade. Before either of them knew what was happening, he pulled her to his chest, lowered his mouth to hers, and kissed her ravenously, savoring the softness of her lips.
The kiss was needy and unpracticed, and after only a few moments, Snape came to his senses and wrenched himself away, staggering back to the wall and muttering his apologies. He glanced back, expecting to see an irate Lily Potter, but she merely looked surprised, and quite flushed.
"Why did you come tonight, Severus? Did you know I would be here?"
"I…I came because I don't know where this war is heading. I might be dead by the Dark Lord's hand before daybreak, and you'll soon be in hiding. I wanted to make amends with you before it was too late."
She wasn't sure why she did it—she loved James dearly, after all—maybe it was having a murderous monster after her and her family, but this felt important. Reaching up, she threaded a hand into an opening between the buttons of Snape's shirt, and laid a hand on his thumping chest. Then, standing on the tips of her toes, she gently touched her lips to a shocked Severus Snape's.
He hesitated for a moment, then reciprocated with full force, years of love and frustration escaping him as he pushed Lily back into the wall of the living room.
She gasped, and Snape feared she was going to push away, but instead hungrily sought his mouth, entangling her fingers in his thick mop of hair. She was lost entirely.
It was everything Snape had ever hoped it would be. He couldn't get enough. His hands roamed her back, touching every part of her he could before settling on her hips. He pulled them roughly towards him, unable to get close enough.
Lily pulled her hand from his chest and set about undoing the many tiny buttons of his shirt. Finally—too long—she had undone them all, and let the shirt fall to the ground behind him. She ran her hands greedily along the lightly muscled chest beneath. It was smooth and milky white, marred only by the occasional curse scar.
She briefly drew back to see him better. Even with the scars, he was quite handsome; slim and lithe as she had always remembered him, but more filled out, less lanky.
Then she saw it. The Dark Mark was vivid red on his forearm, and Lily couldn't help but stare at it, eyes wide. She traced her finger over the raised lines of the skull and snake curiously, refusing to pull away when he jerked instinctively.
"Don't go back to him, Severus," she whispered. "If not for you, for me."
She kissed him lightly again, which deepened as she began to undo the buttons on her own top.
Snape was working on pulling Lily's blouse around her arms, but hesitated, clearly unsure if he was welcome to cross that line.
"Please, Severus," she begged against his mouth.
He moaned, and ripped it off, pressing her further against the wall.
"You want this, you want me?" he growled.
"Yes, all of you, yes."
Snape could have gone slower, could have savored the moment, but he had waited too long. His hands were nearly trembling, but he didn't think Lily noticed amid the heat. He thrust his hips against hers, the friction easing his sudden intense desire.
His hands felt the top of her skirt, then he pulled down, suddenly, needing to feel her. His fingertips brushed the soft tops of her thighs and he could feel Lily's hands grasping at his trousers, undoing the top buttons and lowering the zipper.
She dropped his pants and took his cock in hand, rubbing her hand up and down his throbbing length, eliciting an incredibly satisfied grown from Severus. As she stroked, his hands traveled slowly down her back, his thumbs eventually hooking under the tops of her underwear and pulling them down.
The heat between them was consuming. Snape had never been more aroused in his life, his pupils dilated, every nerve on fire. In one swift motion he hiked Lily up the wall so that she had to wrap her legs around his waist to keep from falling.
"I've wanted you for so long," Snape murmured, his deep, reverberating voice sending shivers of desire down Lily's spine. The intensity of his gaze caused her to flush even further. "So beautiful."
She could feel his erection poking at her entrance and she strained her hips downwards, hoping to push the tip of it inside her.
Making sure to keep his eyes on Lily's face, he obliged her, pushing forward slowly, letting her envelop him inch by inch until he was entirely sheathed. It took all his concentration not to come right then and there.
Lily was gasping quietly, senses ensnared by the heady sensation of Severus' thick cock buried deep within her. She'd known him for years, but had never imagined how good he would feel like this.
Still encased, he lifted Lily up, carried her across the room and sat her down on the back of the sofa in the middle of the room. The light of the nearby fireplace licked the side of Lily's face as Severus drew his hips back, then snapped them forward quickly, the smack of his flesh on hers echoing off the walls.
Snape was sure he had died. Nothing in the living world could possibly feel this good.
He thrust forward rhythmically, eliciting a slight gasp from Lily each time his hips smacked forward into hers. She practically clawed at his back, unable to pull him close enough to her without melding their skin together with magic.
His rhythm picked up, and she aided his effort, using her feet hooked around his waist to press him further forward than he could get on his own.
"God, Severus, you're so gorgeous," she whispered hungrily as she smashed her lips to his again, threading her whole hand through his still-damp hair.
From anyone else, he would have thought they were teasing him, but not from Lily.
Lily thought he was handsome. The thought was too much.
The next time he thrust forward, he held himself deep within her. With an animalistic exhale his release came, his legs spasming, barely able to hold his weight.
She held him tight, unwilling to let him go, and he clung back. She knew how fleeting this moment was, and wanted to hold on to it as long as she could. Her right hand was still entangled in his hair, her left moving up and down his back in deep, affectionate strokes.
"Severus, please don't go back to him. Promise me that."
He stiffened slightly, but didn't move away. His face was buried in her hair, inhaling her scent. He wish he could make that promise to her. No, he wish he could go back in time and choose her over the Death Eaters in the first place, but neither was possible.
"Someday this war will be over, Lil, and neither of us will have to see him again."
As if on cue, Snape's left forearm tightened and burned. Even Lily could feel the heat of the Dark Mark pressed against her side.
He hissed and tried to draw back, the moment broken, but Lily held on to him even tighter.
"Severus…"
"Lily, you know I would stay like this forever, but I made my choice long ago. I must go."
He adjusted his hips and his length slid out of her. He looked intensely into her eyes, memorizing every fleck of color in their complex emerald depths.
"Whatever happens, I want you to be happy," he said, and he meant it. He had no illusions about his future with Lily, but this encounter had allowed him to ease the greedy stranglehold his love for her had held around his heart for years.
They both dressed in silence—Severus hurriedly, he had already kept his master waiting long enough.
He pulled on his overcoat and was opening the door to leave when Lily laid a hand on his shoulder to turn him around. She pressed his wand back into the palm of his hand.
"Don't forget that," she said softly. "Be careful, and good luck, Severus. I…I want you to know I don't have any hard feelings towards you, not for the prophesy, not for what you called me in school. It's important you know that."
Severus' intense gaze grew darker, but Lily could tell it was because he was trying to conceal deep emotion.
Snape felt a weight had been lifted from his soul. He was still a Death Eater, a killer, the man who had pushed his love into the arms of his greatest rival, but this was enough for now. A crooked smile edged its way to the corners of his mouth.
He lowered his head and kissed her again. He did it because he couldn't help it, because he loved her, because he needed one last tangible reminder that all of this had been real. Because he would need it for the days to come.
When he lifted his head, he backed out the doorway and—keeping his eyes locked with hers—called out "Farewell, Lily!" before disappearing in a crack of magic.
Back in the doorway, Lily touched her fingers to her lips, tracing them thoughtfully.
"Goodbye, Severus."