THE DAILY PROPHET:
HENRY COOPER'S STORY REVEALED TO MUGGLES IN BESTSELLING NEW BOOK
It is very likely that, by now, you have heard of the new book "Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone," by Juniper Kalispell. It is her take on the famous auror Henry Cooper's first year at Hogwarts, told as fiction. It has received nothing but rave reviews in the Muggle press, and many young wizards and witches are also falling under its spell.
However, the Ministry is not thrilled. "This could mean the end of our ability to hide the magical world from the non-magical," said Minister of Magic Adriana Coldstone. "The witch named Juniper Kalispell has committed a severe breach in wizarding law by overtly introducing our world to the Muggles. Muggle children, for that matter."
Everyone who knew Kalispell reports that she was a bit batty, but no one expected poverty to drive her to such desperate measures as to use our world as a setting for Muggle children's fiction.
***
At this point, Arnold Kelley put down the newspaper. Of course he had read the book, and enjoyed it. Most of it, anyway. His best friend Henry had been portrayed honorably, though in the case of his own portrayal, the book left something to be desired.
He had NOT been that wimpy his first year at Hogwarts, and he didn't appreciate the image Juniper had painted of the impoverished red-headed family with many children. Racist idiot, she was.
Arnold was staying with his brothers in the space above their Diagon Alley joke shop, and he now strolled down the stairs to see if he could borrow one of their owls to send a letter to Henry. He found Mark (or was it Ralph?) trying to convince a young boy that he really shouldn't use Fever Soap on someone who was already ill.
"Hey, can I borrow Penny?" Arnold asked, leaning over the counter and interrupting Mark's conversation.
"Sure."
Arnold scribbled a note.
Dear Henry,
Did you see the article in the Daily Prophet about 'your' book (You have to know what I'm talking about)? I really think you should read it (the article and the book--READ THE BOOK, MATE, IT WON'T KILL YOU).
Your friend, Arnold Kelley
***
For Ingeborg Knaussen, the Book was something to be studied. She forbade herself from enjoying It because It was so personal, so twisted. Instead, she analyzed It for the tactical advantage she could get by understanding the Enemy's product.
She had seen too much Dark plotting in her short life to have come out without a rock-solid ability to take down the Enemy with logic and intelligence. Some would have said she was becoming prematurely paranoid, but that was her lot in life. Never show the Enemy any weakness, never run away, and never turn down an opportunity to collect Data.
She was not quite done with the Book, and she read It analytically with one half of her mind, while the other half was engaged in extracting bubotubor puss in her home greenhouse. She thought it accurately portrayed the battle between Good and Evil that had already been brewing that first year when she, Henry, and Arnold had arrived at Hogwarts.
She was keen, she was dangerous, and any Enemy who dared violate the sanctuary of her home at that moment would not have had a chance of defeating her.
***
Kenneth Darnell almost took a killing curse to his head after reading the very first chapter, but his father stopped him and advised him not to be flustered by stories about mud-bloods.
***
Xander Shute also hated the book, but it wasn't because Henry Cooper was the protagonist. In fact he was glad that Henry, his favorite (non- Slytherin) student, was finally getting the credit he deserved for his lifetime of heroics. Shute hated the book because of the way he was portrayed.
Any one of the Potions Master's students, past or present, could testify that he was the most universally-liked teacher at Hogwarts. True, he could by mysterious and cold at times, but he was adored for his fine potions skill, dry sense of humor, and dedication to fairness.
Come to think of it, Juniper was the only student of his who had ever really loathed him. Perhaps it was because he had played a few practical jokes on her father many years ago. It was just Shute's rotten luck that he should be introduced to the Muggle world through the distorted quill of that unfathomably hateful young woman. Since the book's public release, he had received scores of sympathy letters from students and Hogwarts alumni, but the damage was done. In the eyes of every Muggle who read Juniper's trashy adaptation of history, he was Severus Snape, the vengeful Potions Master from hell. Nothing could have been farther from the truth.
***
At the same time that Xander was getting depressed over personal injustices, Darrin Peasgood was attempting to be his own potions master and failing miserably. He was utterly enraptured by the book. He carried it around wherever he went. Every word on every page caught his attention and clung to his battered soul like honey to a cold spoon. He drank it all in, marveling that anyone like Juniper could be so meticulous and sympathetic to the rocky road Henry Cooper had traveled all those years. Darrin could not wait for the next book, and the next. He knew what the third would contain and prayed with all his heart that it would tell an accurate account of that dark year.
Absentmindedly, Darrin added a few more dragon scales to his potion, and continued reading. What WAS the three headed dog guarding? Since this was the fifth time he had read the book, he knew, of course, that Fluffy was guarding the philospher's stone. The suspense was unbearable nonetheless. Of all the engrossing books in his small, carefully chosen library, this was the king, the trophy his shelves had been bare without for so many years.
He was a hopeless fool and he knew it. But he loved the book with all his heart because it brought him back to those kinder, simpler days when poor Henry was still gentle and innocent, just beginning to spread his wings as an underage auror-in-training.
Perched on his stool by the cauldron, the wiry man finished the chapter and, with a flood of angry frustration, realized he had just overcooked his Wolfsbane by a full half hour.
***
Someone had thought it funny to send Brackenridge McAlastor a jinxed copy of the book. If it was Moony, then the man had lost his comedic touch. Brack was too old and too wary of jinxes to think a book that made his nose hairs sing a different song with every page he turned was very funny.
He rapped the book in several different ways with his wand, demanding that it reveal its secrets. Sticking his wand into the spine made the book go "neh, he, he," but no information regarding its sender was revealed. He stayed up all night, attempting to unlock its mysteries.
He was interested in reading the book, assuming he could rid it of its enchantment. It finally dawned on him that all he had to do was remove his nose hairs. There were quite a few of them, but he soon discovered that being nose-hairless had its advantages.
Upon reading the book, Brack found it to be a bunch of rubbish, mainly because it completely distorted the relationship between Gryffindor and Slytherin houses, and made Xander Shute, the greatest guy in the world, out to be a greasy git.
***
Henry Cooper himself had not yet read "Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone," though his friend Arnold had been bugging him to do it for several weeks now. If he had read the book, he would have found it shocking that his aunt and uncle were portrayed in such a mild way. When he had survived Voldemort's killing curse, no mark had been left on him. It was his relatives who had created the cross scar on his forehead. Henry would have been forced to admit though, that since it was a children's book, the whippings and cuttings to release the wicked spirits from his body had been omitted for a reason.
He would also have been deeply disturbed by the fact that Juniper Kalispell, who had been three years ahead of him in school and in Ravenclaw, knew his inner thoughts and private experiences with stunning accuracy. This fact seemed to have avoided the thoughts of most readers, who assumed Juniper had been close to Henry throughout their Hogwarts years, and part of his daring escapades. In fact, no bond of friendship had ever been present between them.
It is very likely that, by now, you have heard of the new book "Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone," by Juniper Kalispell. It is her take on the famous auror Henry Cooper's first year at Hogwarts, told as fiction. It has received nothing but rave reviews in the Muggle press, and many young wizards and witches are also falling under its spell.
However, the Ministry is not thrilled. "This could mean the end of our ability to hide the magical world from the non-magical," said Minister of Magic Adriana Coldstone. "The witch named Juniper Kalispell has committed a severe breach in wizarding law by overtly introducing our world to the Muggles. Muggle children, for that matter."
Everyone who knew Kalispell reports that she was a bit batty, but no one expected poverty to drive her to such desperate measures as to use our world as a setting for Muggle children's fiction.
***
At this point, Arnold Kelley put down the newspaper. Of course he had read the book, and enjoyed it. Most of it, anyway. His best friend Henry had been portrayed honorably, though in the case of his own portrayal, the book left something to be desired.
He had NOT been that wimpy his first year at Hogwarts, and he didn't appreciate the image Juniper had painted of the impoverished red-headed family with many children. Racist idiot, she was.
Arnold was staying with his brothers in the space above their Diagon Alley joke shop, and he now strolled down the stairs to see if he could borrow one of their owls to send a letter to Henry. He found Mark (or was it Ralph?) trying to convince a young boy that he really shouldn't use Fever Soap on someone who was already ill.
"Hey, can I borrow Penny?" Arnold asked, leaning over the counter and interrupting Mark's conversation.
"Sure."
Arnold scribbled a note.
Dear Henry,
Did you see the article in the Daily Prophet about 'your' book (You have to know what I'm talking about)? I really think you should read it (the article and the book--READ THE BOOK, MATE, IT WON'T KILL YOU).
Your friend, Arnold Kelley
***
For Ingeborg Knaussen, the Book was something to be studied. She forbade herself from enjoying It because It was so personal, so twisted. Instead, she analyzed It for the tactical advantage she could get by understanding the Enemy's product.
She had seen too much Dark plotting in her short life to have come out without a rock-solid ability to take down the Enemy with logic and intelligence. Some would have said she was becoming prematurely paranoid, but that was her lot in life. Never show the Enemy any weakness, never run away, and never turn down an opportunity to collect Data.
She was not quite done with the Book, and she read It analytically with one half of her mind, while the other half was engaged in extracting bubotubor puss in her home greenhouse. She thought it accurately portrayed the battle between Good and Evil that had already been brewing that first year when she, Henry, and Arnold had arrived at Hogwarts.
She was keen, she was dangerous, and any Enemy who dared violate the sanctuary of her home at that moment would not have had a chance of defeating her.
***
Kenneth Darnell almost took a killing curse to his head after reading the very first chapter, but his father stopped him and advised him not to be flustered by stories about mud-bloods.
***
Xander Shute also hated the book, but it wasn't because Henry Cooper was the protagonist. In fact he was glad that Henry, his favorite (non- Slytherin) student, was finally getting the credit he deserved for his lifetime of heroics. Shute hated the book because of the way he was portrayed.
Any one of the Potions Master's students, past or present, could testify that he was the most universally-liked teacher at Hogwarts. True, he could by mysterious and cold at times, but he was adored for his fine potions skill, dry sense of humor, and dedication to fairness.
Come to think of it, Juniper was the only student of his who had ever really loathed him. Perhaps it was because he had played a few practical jokes on her father many years ago. It was just Shute's rotten luck that he should be introduced to the Muggle world through the distorted quill of that unfathomably hateful young woman. Since the book's public release, he had received scores of sympathy letters from students and Hogwarts alumni, but the damage was done. In the eyes of every Muggle who read Juniper's trashy adaptation of history, he was Severus Snape, the vengeful Potions Master from hell. Nothing could have been farther from the truth.
***
At the same time that Xander was getting depressed over personal injustices, Darrin Peasgood was attempting to be his own potions master and failing miserably. He was utterly enraptured by the book. He carried it around wherever he went. Every word on every page caught his attention and clung to his battered soul like honey to a cold spoon. He drank it all in, marveling that anyone like Juniper could be so meticulous and sympathetic to the rocky road Henry Cooper had traveled all those years. Darrin could not wait for the next book, and the next. He knew what the third would contain and prayed with all his heart that it would tell an accurate account of that dark year.
Absentmindedly, Darrin added a few more dragon scales to his potion, and continued reading. What WAS the three headed dog guarding? Since this was the fifth time he had read the book, he knew, of course, that Fluffy was guarding the philospher's stone. The suspense was unbearable nonetheless. Of all the engrossing books in his small, carefully chosen library, this was the king, the trophy his shelves had been bare without for so many years.
He was a hopeless fool and he knew it. But he loved the book with all his heart because it brought him back to those kinder, simpler days when poor Henry was still gentle and innocent, just beginning to spread his wings as an underage auror-in-training.
Perched on his stool by the cauldron, the wiry man finished the chapter and, with a flood of angry frustration, realized he had just overcooked his Wolfsbane by a full half hour.
***
Someone had thought it funny to send Brackenridge McAlastor a jinxed copy of the book. If it was Moony, then the man had lost his comedic touch. Brack was too old and too wary of jinxes to think a book that made his nose hairs sing a different song with every page he turned was very funny.
He rapped the book in several different ways with his wand, demanding that it reveal its secrets. Sticking his wand into the spine made the book go "neh, he, he," but no information regarding its sender was revealed. He stayed up all night, attempting to unlock its mysteries.
He was interested in reading the book, assuming he could rid it of its enchantment. It finally dawned on him that all he had to do was remove his nose hairs. There were quite a few of them, but he soon discovered that being nose-hairless had its advantages.
Upon reading the book, Brack found it to be a bunch of rubbish, mainly because it completely distorted the relationship between Gryffindor and Slytherin houses, and made Xander Shute, the greatest guy in the world, out to be a greasy git.
***
Henry Cooper himself had not yet read "Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone," though his friend Arnold had been bugging him to do it for several weeks now. If he had read the book, he would have found it shocking that his aunt and uncle were portrayed in such a mild way. When he had survived Voldemort's killing curse, no mark had been left on him. It was his relatives who had created the cross scar on his forehead. Henry would have been forced to admit though, that since it was a children's book, the whippings and cuttings to release the wicked spirits from his body had been omitted for a reason.
He would also have been deeply disturbed by the fact that Juniper Kalispell, who had been three years ahead of him in school and in Ravenclaw, knew his inner thoughts and private experiences with stunning accuracy. This fact seemed to have avoided the thoughts of most readers, who assumed Juniper had been close to Henry throughout their Hogwarts years, and part of his daring escapades. In fact, no bond of friendship had ever been present between them.