A/N: I have a challenge for all those who see this page: write a story that
involves a giant ENORMOUS strawberry waffle.
Disclaimer: As much as I would love to own George and/or Numair, I don't in fact, everything except the giant ENORMOUS strawberry waffle is the property of Tamora Pierce. Happy? Good. Lets get on with it.
Comradery, Commiseration, and a Giant ENORMOUS Strawberry Waffle
(Alanna, Thayet, Rispah, Eleni Cooper, and Daine are sitting around a round table at The Tortoise, a bed-and-breakfast famous for their waffles and their 'Tortallan Twists', a delicious pastry that I will leave you to imagine the details about.)
Waitress: may I have your order?
Alanna: um, how big are your giant ENORMOUS strawberry waffles?
Waitress: well, it takes three of us to carry one out and it will take up over ¾ of your table.
Alanna: we'll have one then, thanks, and waters all around.
(waitress leaves)
Thayet: so, what's new with you, Eleni?
Eleni: Myles has been extraordinarily aggravating recently. All he seems to be able to talk about are the Code and a couple of the little buggers in his class that he really hates and who really hate him. Doesn't notice or acknowledge anything I do, and only stops talking about them when he is eating (though sometimes will talk with his mouth full) or when he sleeps.
Thayet: well at least that's better than having a husband to thinks he is better than everyone else in the world and who is obsessed with playing with a jewel!
Alanna: he is obsessed with the Dominion Jewel?
Thayet: yes, his idea of fun is making 30 or so topiaries grow out of the ground in our backyard. We currently have the equivalent of a zoo back there. And if he is feeling particularly vindictive, he will open up large gashes in the land directly outside the front of the palace, cause passersby to fall into them, at which point he will laugh maniacally, before closing it back up (with the people out of it) and waiting for some other hapless traveler to pass by, at which point he will do it again.
Alanna: I knew that rock would go to his head!
Daine: Numair has actually been known to do that last part
Rispah: try having a husband who gulps down every drop of alcohol in the house, including your best cooking brandy, and your rubbing alcohol.
Eleni: *raises hand* been there, done that
Rispah: drunk all the rubbing alcohol?
Eleni: No, had a husband whose constant companion is a bottle of liquor.
Rispah: Oh.
Alanna: *takes a bite of strawberry waffle which by this time has not only arrived but from which everyone has taken a serving*
Daine: ever had a boyfriend who goes way overprotective of you while you are having a nice discussion with someone, completely embarrassing you, or who randomly turns people into trees, or decides to turn into a bird to get stoned?
All: *stare at her blankly*
Daine: never mind
Alanna: speaking of odd pastimes, things from all over the castle seem to magically appear in our room. Everything from horseshoes to suits of armor from the halls to tapestries, etc. George blames it all on the kids, so they've either inherited kleptomania, or George needs to see a shrink for his. I'm betting on the latter.
Thayet: Yes, I agree, mostly likely the latter.
Rispah: I wonder what our men are doing right now?
(Cut to The Dancing Dove)
(in the pub around a table are King Jonathan, George, Numair, Coram, and Myles)
Myles:....and so she told me to shut up about those kids and the Code or get the **** out of the house, and yet she had asked me how my day was. And it's my house, not necessarily hers. (looks at empty bottle in hand) I think I need more liquor.
Jonathan: actually, that's probably more than enough for you, Myles. Speaking of unreasonable women, Thayet has been a royal pain in the butt lately, if you'll pardon the pun, because of her incessant obsession with her appearance. She will take up to 6 hours simply preparing to go out to lunch, and then be mad when I start playing with the Jewel out of indescribable boredom. I swear, she'd elope with her mirror if it didn't mean she would forfeit queenship.
Coram: well, at least she isn't actively tryin' to make yer life unpleasant by dumpin' out every last drop of yer liquor cabinet and then getting' upset when ye drink her cookin' brandy or rubbing alcohol...
All: you drank rubbing alcohol?
Coram: yep, why?
All: *stunned silence*
(45 seconds of uncomfortable silence later)
Coram: So, uh, Numair, erm, how are ye doin' on the homefront?
Numair: Daine has decided to practically turn our house into a menagerie. Imagine penguins in your bathtub, foxes and badgers and all manner of wild rodentia in every closet, a peacock in your garden, some attitudinal molerats under your pillow, and a chorus of feral cats on your fence at night. Throw in a dragon who meddles with everything in your workroom, and mice who nibble on all the herbs you keep on your shelves in there, and you have my home situation. Plus, I never know if she is talking to me or to an animal, and there is at least one new arrival every day.
George: Wow. Alanna doesn't nearly cause that much disruption, but is constantly either in the practice courts or on a quest. I get stuck with the kids for days at a time, and they are always pesterin' every livin' thing in the castle, and makin mischief wherever they go. But nothin' is nearly as chaotic as you described.
Numair: I am already quite aware of my aloneness when it comes to this issue. No need to accentuate it even more, thank you very much.
(Owen walks into the pub)
Owen: can I join with you folks?
George: Aren't ya kinda young t' be in here, kid?
Owen: nope. And I am here to stop your complaining and infect you with my annoying and hopelessly cheerful and upbeat attitude. Jolly jolly jolly jolly jolly jolly.....
(Black sparkling fire shoots from Numair's fingertips and Owen becomes a giant ENORMOUS strawberry waffle)
George: uh, Numair? What the heck did you do? Numair: apparently the spell turned him into a giant ENORMOUS strawberry waffle. That was not the anticipated effect. Apparently the lack of sleep caused by the cacophonous chorus outside my window every night has negatively impacted my ability to do magic.
Jonathan: One more time, in Common.
Numair: It seems that the annoying cats outside my window at night keeping me up into the wee hours of the morning have screwed up my Gift.
Jon: Oh.
Disclaimer: As much as I would love to own George and/or Numair, I don't in fact, everything except the giant ENORMOUS strawberry waffle is the property of Tamora Pierce. Happy? Good. Lets get on with it.
Comradery, Commiseration, and a Giant ENORMOUS Strawberry Waffle
(Alanna, Thayet, Rispah, Eleni Cooper, and Daine are sitting around a round table at The Tortoise, a bed-and-breakfast famous for their waffles and their 'Tortallan Twists', a delicious pastry that I will leave you to imagine the details about.)
Waitress: may I have your order?
Alanna: um, how big are your giant ENORMOUS strawberry waffles?
Waitress: well, it takes three of us to carry one out and it will take up over ¾ of your table.
Alanna: we'll have one then, thanks, and waters all around.
(waitress leaves)
Thayet: so, what's new with you, Eleni?
Eleni: Myles has been extraordinarily aggravating recently. All he seems to be able to talk about are the Code and a couple of the little buggers in his class that he really hates and who really hate him. Doesn't notice or acknowledge anything I do, and only stops talking about them when he is eating (though sometimes will talk with his mouth full) or when he sleeps.
Thayet: well at least that's better than having a husband to thinks he is better than everyone else in the world and who is obsessed with playing with a jewel!
Alanna: he is obsessed with the Dominion Jewel?
Thayet: yes, his idea of fun is making 30 or so topiaries grow out of the ground in our backyard. We currently have the equivalent of a zoo back there. And if he is feeling particularly vindictive, he will open up large gashes in the land directly outside the front of the palace, cause passersby to fall into them, at which point he will laugh maniacally, before closing it back up (with the people out of it) and waiting for some other hapless traveler to pass by, at which point he will do it again.
Alanna: I knew that rock would go to his head!
Daine: Numair has actually been known to do that last part
Rispah: try having a husband who gulps down every drop of alcohol in the house, including your best cooking brandy, and your rubbing alcohol.
Eleni: *raises hand* been there, done that
Rispah: drunk all the rubbing alcohol?
Eleni: No, had a husband whose constant companion is a bottle of liquor.
Rispah: Oh.
Alanna: *takes a bite of strawberry waffle which by this time has not only arrived but from which everyone has taken a serving*
Daine: ever had a boyfriend who goes way overprotective of you while you are having a nice discussion with someone, completely embarrassing you, or who randomly turns people into trees, or decides to turn into a bird to get stoned?
All: *stare at her blankly*
Daine: never mind
Alanna: speaking of odd pastimes, things from all over the castle seem to magically appear in our room. Everything from horseshoes to suits of armor from the halls to tapestries, etc. George blames it all on the kids, so they've either inherited kleptomania, or George needs to see a shrink for his. I'm betting on the latter.
Thayet: Yes, I agree, mostly likely the latter.
Rispah: I wonder what our men are doing right now?
(Cut to The Dancing Dove)
(in the pub around a table are King Jonathan, George, Numair, Coram, and Myles)
Myles:....and so she told me to shut up about those kids and the Code or get the **** out of the house, and yet she had asked me how my day was. And it's my house, not necessarily hers. (looks at empty bottle in hand) I think I need more liquor.
Jonathan: actually, that's probably more than enough for you, Myles. Speaking of unreasonable women, Thayet has been a royal pain in the butt lately, if you'll pardon the pun, because of her incessant obsession with her appearance. She will take up to 6 hours simply preparing to go out to lunch, and then be mad when I start playing with the Jewel out of indescribable boredom. I swear, she'd elope with her mirror if it didn't mean she would forfeit queenship.
Coram: well, at least she isn't actively tryin' to make yer life unpleasant by dumpin' out every last drop of yer liquor cabinet and then getting' upset when ye drink her cookin' brandy or rubbing alcohol...
All: you drank rubbing alcohol?
Coram: yep, why?
All: *stunned silence*
(45 seconds of uncomfortable silence later)
Coram: So, uh, Numair, erm, how are ye doin' on the homefront?
Numair: Daine has decided to practically turn our house into a menagerie. Imagine penguins in your bathtub, foxes and badgers and all manner of wild rodentia in every closet, a peacock in your garden, some attitudinal molerats under your pillow, and a chorus of feral cats on your fence at night. Throw in a dragon who meddles with everything in your workroom, and mice who nibble on all the herbs you keep on your shelves in there, and you have my home situation. Plus, I never know if she is talking to me or to an animal, and there is at least one new arrival every day.
George: Wow. Alanna doesn't nearly cause that much disruption, but is constantly either in the practice courts or on a quest. I get stuck with the kids for days at a time, and they are always pesterin' every livin' thing in the castle, and makin mischief wherever they go. But nothin' is nearly as chaotic as you described.
Numair: I am already quite aware of my aloneness when it comes to this issue. No need to accentuate it even more, thank you very much.
(Owen walks into the pub)
Owen: can I join with you folks?
George: Aren't ya kinda young t' be in here, kid?
Owen: nope. And I am here to stop your complaining and infect you with my annoying and hopelessly cheerful and upbeat attitude. Jolly jolly jolly jolly jolly jolly.....
(Black sparkling fire shoots from Numair's fingertips and Owen becomes a giant ENORMOUS strawberry waffle)
George: uh, Numair? What the heck did you do? Numair: apparently the spell turned him into a giant ENORMOUS strawberry waffle. That was not the anticipated effect. Apparently the lack of sleep caused by the cacophonous chorus outside my window every night has negatively impacted my ability to do magic.
Jonathan: One more time, in Common.
Numair: It seems that the annoying cats outside my window at night keeping me up into the wee hours of the morning have screwed up my Gift.
Jon: Oh.