Author's disclaimer: This is not mine- at least, not all of it. I do not own, have never owned, will never own, and will never claim to own Roger, Jonathan, Tortall or any of the other people or places taken from Tamora Pierce's books that are mentioned herein. The missionaries, however, are mine.


The following is an excerpt taken from the UMFSTH archives:


The United Mission Front for the Salvation of Tortallan Heathens

Barry Jones, Director Mary Johns, Secretary

Jerry Johnson Carrie Joneson


Mission: To bring truth and salvation to the heathen nation of Tortall.


Transcript of Initial Interview with Roger of Conte

Missionaries: Barry Jones and Jerry Johnson


The missionaries in question, Barry Jones and Jerry Johnson, knocked on the door in the palace that they had been directed to. A rather tall man with brown-black hair, wearing the odd clothing typical of this heathen country, opened the door. The conversation ran as follows:


Barry Jones (hereafter known as BJ): Hello. Are you Sir Roger of Conte?

Man who opened door (hereafter known as MWOD): No.

BJ: Oh. Well, can you direct us to him? This is a matter of utmost urgency.

MWOD: No.

Jerry Johnson (hereafter known as JJ): Why not?

MWOD: There is no such person.

JJ: Huh? I thought that guy with the crown-

BJ (interrupting): The king, Jerry.

JJ (ignoring BJ): -said there was and that you were him. Or at least, that the person who lived here was. Anyway, that's what he said.

MWOD: I highly doubt that.

BJ: Why is that?

MWOD: Like I said, there is no Sir Roger of Conte. (Pauses dramatically.) I am Lord Roger of Conte. Perhaps I can help you?

BJ: Yes, you most certainly can. May we step inside?

Roger of Conte (formerly known as MWOD, and hereafter known as RC): Certainly. (They all head inside and sit down, as RC continues talking.) You know, you really ought to learn your titles and forms of address a bit better if you want to get anywhere around here.

BJ (stiffly): I am well aware of that, sir.

RC: Not sir. My lord, if you insist.

BJ (not sure what RC meant, and deciding not to respond): I am Barry Jones, and this is my colleague, Jerry Johnson.

RC: A pleasure. What can I do for you?

BJ: We are here in Tortall to spread the Word of God, and bring salvation to your people. Your king-

RC: He's not my king.

JJ: Huh?

BJ: Oh, are you foreign, then? I didn't realize. We're something of foreigners ourselves.

JJ: Since we're from Earth and all.

RC: I am Tortallan.

JJ: But you said...(he trails off, confused)

RC: I do not support the current king.

JJ: Oh.

BJ: Well, then. As I was saying, the king informed us that you might be a prospective convert, as you do not retain membership in the Heathen Cult of Mithros. Is this correct?

RC: If you're asking whether I am a member of the Cult, the answer is no.

BJ: Good! A sensible man. Do you belong to any other religious organizations at this time?

RC: I do not.

BJ: An atheist, then?

RC: No.

JJ: Huh? I'm confused.

BJ: So you must be an agnostic. Wonderful! We always prefer working with agnostics to working with anyone else, as-

RC (cutting him off): No, I am not an agnostic.

JJ: Huh?

BJ: I must confess to being slightly confused. You do not affiliate yourself with any religion, but you're neither an atheist nor an agnostic.

RC: That is correct.

JJ: Huh?

RC (turning to BJ): I advise you to get your companion to cease making that noise. It does not give a very good impression of the intelligence of people from Earth.

JJ: Hey, that wasn't very nice! Was it, Barry?

BJ: I suggest we return to the original topic.

JJ: Wasn't that the part about who Sir Roger is?

BJ (ignoring his colleague): Just what are your religious beliefs?

JJ: You know that, Barry. I go to the same church as you.

BJ: Not you, you insufferable idiot!

JJ: That wasn't very Christian of you, Barry. At least, I don't think so. And you're supposed to be religious and all!

BJ (turning to RC): What are your religious beliefs, sir?

RC: I'm not a knight. I'm a sorcerer.

JJ: Huh? What's that have to do with anything?

BJ (confused, trying not to show it, and failing): Oh. I see. Would you mind answering my question?

RC: Not at all. I believe in all of the gods.

BJ: Which gods?

RC: Oh, you know, Mithros, the Goddess, the usual.

BJ: But you said that you didn't belong to the-

RC: I don't.

JJ: Huh?

BJ: But-

RC: I believe in the gods. However, I do not worship them.

JJ: Huh? How come you don't?

RC: They, ah, don't like me.

BJ (who clearly doesn't see): I see. Well, that's a mighty good reason to convert to our faith. Not only do your gods not exist, but our God is a Loving God.

JJ: He loves everyone!

RC (politely): How nice.

BJ: This loving God offers salvation and promises eternal life to all believers!

JJ (conspiratorily to RC): Does that sounds great or what?

RC: I'm sorry. I'm afraid I'm not interested. It was nice talking to you. (He gets up and opens the door.)

BJ (not moving): But, sir-

RC: I told you, I'm not a knight. I'm a duke and a sorcerer. There's a difference.

JJ: Huh?

BJ: Sir, I-

RC: How many times do I have to tell you? I'm not a knight. I'm a sorcerer. Sorcerer, sorcerer, sorcerer!!!

BJ: -don't think you realize what you're turning down here. All of us have a great need for eternal salvation.

RC: Not me.

BJ: Even you. Especially you, if these allegations of your practicing magic are true.

RC (absently): Oh, they're true. I've told you that I'm a sorcerer several times, you just haven't been paying attention.

BJ (taken aback): Well, then. You are guilty of a great sin, and you are in desperate need of salvation!

RC: No. I don't need it. You see, I don't kill easily.

BJ: But no one lives forever.

RC: Untrue. People die, of course, but that's just a minor setback. It's easy enough to come back.

JJ: Huh?

BJ: You blaspheme!!!

JJ: Who, him or me?

RC (ignoring JJ): I'm afraid I'm unfamiliar with that term. As I was saying, thanks to my superior Gift-

JJ: Huh? What gift?

RC: - and the Gift of Lord Thom of Trebond, I have been resurrected once already.

BJ&JJ: What?!

RC (ignoring the interruption): I have no reason to suppose that I can't manage like this forever, so you plainly see that I have no need of your little church toys.

BJ: How dare you!

JJ: Did he just insult us, Barry?

BJ: Wait a minute...did you just say you were resurrected?!

JJ: No.

RC: Yes.

BJ: But, that's impossible!

RC (with a sinister smile): You doubt me?

BJ (recovering himself and deciding not to accuse the Heathen Duke of lying, then saying sternly): In any case, such resurrection is forbidden.

RC (sarcastically): Really?

BJ: Yes. All Wicca is of the devil! It is evil! Your soul will be damned for all eternity! Repent, o sinner, if you wish to be saved!

RC: Actually, I am quite capable of saving myself, thank you.

JJ (horrified): But you'll be damned!

RC (laughs): I don't doubt it. However, as I have explained, I have ways to deal with such trivial things. I can defeat the gods. Any gods- yours, my idiot of a cousin's, I don't care whose. I am the most powerful sorcerer in the realm! Bwahahahaha! Now, if you'll excuse me, I have some dead friends I need to resurrect, to assist me in my quest for my cousin's throne. Perhaps you'd care to assist?

JJ: Cool!

BJ: No. No. Absolutely not. We will go, but we shall return. I shall not rest until I have saved your soul! Come along, Jerry. Until next time, sir. (BJ and JJ walk quickly through the still-open door and close it behind them.)

RC (to closed door): I'm not a knight!!!!!!!!