Even though we are FAR from Halloween this year, I'd been inspired by a hilarious as hell movie by Tyler Perry, "Boo! A Madea Halloween" - and as you can see also worked its way as part of this story's title. Basically, teenage Sasuke is causing mayhem for his older brother a few years after their parents died (in short, he's raised by Itachi). Poor Itachi, having done the best he could, has enlisted the help of his friends in Akatsuki to make sure his troublemaking baby brother does not slip out of the house on Halloween to be with Naruto, their girlfriends and their friends to a party - but it does not stop there. Itachi and the gang find themselves fending off and running from all kinds of fiends on the scariest night of the year. XD Baby bro isn't the only issue to handle with here.
This fic is rated for suggestive content, swearing (notably from Hidan, but everything except the F-bomb is shown), as well as horrific humor. XD Get the picture?
Disclaimer: should be obvious. The great Kishimoto-san owns everything, not me or anyone else. Also, nothing of the Madea movie and inspiration belongs to me either (no quotes, no character points or anything), but to the uber awesome Tyler Perry. :D
Chapter One
Devil Incarnate
Naruto Uzumaki loved Halloween. Even in the last year of high school, he much looked forward to it with his girlfriend.
Sasuke Uchiha, however, used to love Halloween up until his parents died. It marked the anniversary of their deaths. The very same day that big brother assumed the burden of looking after his baby sibling.
Which gave Itachi Uchiha himself all the more reason to never look forward to Halloween with his friends, either.
Which brought to this year's dilemma, on this very day reaching the evening when the youngest Uchiha and only Uzumaki child both began to exit Konoha High School with their girlfriends and their group of friends on his tail. He had time to spare before the devil himself arrived to pick him up. Anything to avoid me and Naruto getting entangled with the crowd again.
"Sasuke-kun!" On cue, his girlfriend and one of his best friends from childhood, Sakura Haruno, flounced his way in her dotted red dress and petal-hued hair cut like a pixie. She placed a kiss on his cheek. She was a light contrast to his all-black "emo rocker" attire - everything from his t-shirt and jeans to the wristbands and his hair spiked in the back like a duck's ass - as Naru-dobe called since they were kids. Around his neck was the chain holding the red-and-white fan of the Uchiha. Long passed from generation to generation.
And on cue, the dobe himself in his bright orange sweatset and his lovely opal-eyed girlfriend Hinata, in a lovely off-shoulder purple blouse and black jeans, joined up with them. "Say, you ready, teme, for Kiba's epic badass party tonight?" the blond hollered happily, almost too loud for the raven's taste. He'd accepted by now that the Uzumaki would never grow even when they did get out of this place by summer.
"Naruto, you had to say it aloud when the red-eyed devil incarnate himself is closer than you think!" Sakura hissed at him, swatting him on the back of the head, making him yelp and rub that area.
Sasuke suppressed a snort. Devil incarnate is right - Itachi is everywhere...
His brother was the president of Uchiha Corporations, having inherited upon the death of Fugaku and Mikoto when they were both killed in a car crash - which Sasuke knew hadn't been an accident at all. He had been in the backseat, his brother with him, and the both of them survivors...and he'd been thirteen then, Itachi eighteen. Safe to say big brother had never been more "fiercely protective" - or should I say, a hindrance? - of his little brother ever since then. Sometimes, Sasuke hated him so much for sticking his nose into his life. Sasuke was never anyone special unlike his perfect elder, the heir to the family business, and why should Itachi care about him when he was often away in office, leaving his rebellious younger brother to try and grow up on his own?
Hinata Hyuuga swallowed then, her eyes wide as she looked ahead, which the three of them followed and froze. There stood the man himself with an eyebrow raised. Polished black suit and red tie as well as a blinding white collared shirt, glossy raven hair tied back in a ponytail below the nape of his neck, two slanted lines below glaring eyes of black fire like the pits of hell...yup, he was a sex devil on legs.
"'Devil incarnate', Haruno-san? Hn. I have heard far worse, not that I would give a damn." Despite his icy cool, collected demeanor, Itachi's onyx eyes sparked a furious fire as they landed on the group. "Sasuke, Naruto, in the car."
The younger Uchiha bared his teeth back. He was almost compelled to pummel his big brother, even if it meant a severe punishment by bending over his lap and getting the belt as if he were still a child again - the child aniki dear continued to treat him as.
"Oi, you didn't have to interrupt an important discussion -" Naruto started only for the ice to cut through the air and turn all into winter in a nanosecond.
"You dare disobey a direct order, Uzumaki-san?"
Naruto swallowed. That about did the trick, as always. The smug satisfaction was there in the older Uchiha's eyes. Sasuke always fought long and hard to have that kind of power, but in the end, he was the weaker one and found his own way around. Huffing, he kissed Sakura good-bye for now and Naruto did the same to Hinata.
Both young men followed the elder into the back of the black luxury, which Itachi took behind the driver's wheel. The silence was tense, and Naruto was the one to break it.
"Say, Kiba has a party tonight, and I do have me and Sasuke's costumes ready -"
"No."
"Why not?!" Naruto screeched. "All month, I worked hard to get those guys for us!"
"Hn. A month of mowing others' lawns, a raise from your somewhat-grandfather Jiraiya at his famous book affair," Sasuke pointed out, crossing his legs and glaring out the window to avoid his brother's glare in the mirror. Hardly anything to be much of a costume since we are almost grown men...
Itachi's jaw was clenched. "I can name several reasons to not let you go to such a repulsive event, otouto. Drinking, unprotected intercourse, and so forth. The answer is no, and I stand firm on it. You think I have acted like the older brother and father figure you deserved all these years just to let you go off and be like this?" he asked angrily, turning onto a corner. "The long hours I spend to preserve our family's legacy, everything I have given you when you asked for it - you thank me by doing all of this to me?"
Another lecture - how the hell would you understand?! "Giving me another talk - or are you going to bend me over your lap like you did when I was fifteen?" Sasuke sneered, recalling the shame and humiliation at the one time he and Naruto had been present when Kiba and a couple of the guys were caught with underage drinking.
"Hn, tempting, little brother." Itachi shook his head. "No, foolish little brother." He chuckled, making the younger angrier. "And to ensure you do not think to slip off tonight, I will have this night off only so I could keep an eye on you, Sasuke. To imagine Father turning in his grave if he saw you sinking to this."
~o~
"Now, how in the hell are we gonna make it to Kiba's party when your devil-of-a-brother has our butts locked up in here all night? The party starts at eight, for Kami's sake!"
"Shut it, loser," Sasuke hissed, "or he'll hear you again!"
Naruto suppressed a groan. All arguments failed, including that it was "nothing" for them since they'd done this in the past before, but in the end was Itachi Uchiha the Devil King catching onto them both. The oh-so-perfect savior coming to "rescue baby brother from the clutches of the throes of teenage wasteland". Ever since they were nearly killed along with their parents, and Sasuke had been thirteen years old. Naruto lost his parents when he was just a baby. His father Minato had been a police detective killed in line of duty, and his mother Kushina died giving birth to him. Iruka, his father's friend, as well as his lover Kakashi, who later was Naruto and Sasuke's middle school English teacher, raised him up to now.
And if you were wondering, both Iruka and Kakashi knew he was here and allowed him to spend the night since it was a Friday, after all.
But boy, oh boy, was he and teme in for hell tonight because of a certain ponytail-haired raven who shared the same blood as his best friend downstairs right now, doing who knew what. Maybe on the phone with clients or colleagues, or just doing whatever to relieve himself of stress from work or baby brother - or both.
"Well, look, Sasuke," Naruto tried again, flopping himself on the black bed - he planned to make the emo lighten up his room as soon as they were at their own apartment in college one day - and watched as the Duck Butt dropped his bookbag against the wall next to the door, "if we're gonna make it in time at eight, we're gonna have to find some way to slip out without Itachi knowing about it - or we should just find means to distract him before we jet off. Like slip a sleeping powder into his whiskey or something..."
Just like we did to him that one time when we were fifteen...but that night was also when Kiba and them were busted. How would this time be different? He brightened up. They were both more mature and responsible now, learned their lessons, so what was the worst to happen, huh?
But Sasuke was far from impressed. "Seriously, dobe, Itachi would know and would catch us red-handed again." Thankfully, the seriousness didn't last, for a devious smirk spread across that face of his. "Just leave it to me. I have two or three ways this could work..."
~o~
The Akatsuki was a group that had been together since high school years, and even in manhood - Itachi Uchiha running his family's legacy, Kakuzu as the banker within the business, Hidan as a priest for Jashin at the small church in the equally smaller part of Konoha, and Kisame Hoshigaki was the president's personal assistant and closest advisor - the old gang continued to remain close-knit as ever.
The partners Deidara and Sasori? They ran their own art studio, even though their tastes differed. "Art is an EXPLOSION!" was the motto of the former, whilst the latter prided that "Art is eternal". But despite their differences, they harmonized well together in both their small business and their own relationship.
Although tonight, on Halloween, Sasori wasn't the least bit excited.
"I don't know why you insist on staying out here with this candy, Dei," the redhead said disgustedly, leaning back and exhaling breath. They sat on the front lawn of their small house, watching as mothers and their costumed children walked past them or came up to them and said "trick or treat" before getting their sweets. "Or why you are even out here and with the canes..." He nodded towards the two mentioned tools on the opposite side of his partner, not at their use at the present.
"I told you, danna, I had the accident in my part of the studio, un," the blond insisted. "The explosion of the kiln because one of my students didn't check for air bubbles like I specifically asked them to -" And an imbecile who finds your "cleaner" techniques better than mine. I sometimes wonder why the hell I agreed that we could make more time together by working together. "- and it was none other than someone who 'regrets taking my class and should have taken yours instead of mine'," he stated, using air quotes with his fingers, making his partner snort and shake his head. "Thanks to him, I am forced to go to the hospital and am given these canes until the surgery goes through on Tuesday."
And thanks to the idiot student he wanted so much to kick out for his lack of respect for art - explosion as that was, but it was painful to his own body and his pride - he was stuck limping on occasion, but sometimes the pain would be gone and he would not need these handicap tools for awhile. But when he would feel the mild pain, he'd grit his teeth and lean on the painful things - but as his lover said, not painful compared to the rare heart condition that passed on in his family later in years of life.
"Besides, un, this is a good time for me to still obtain some excitement instead of being in the house."
Sasori grunted. "If you need more excitement, why tonight which involves you giving these runts candy? Why waste money on something unimportant for only a night when there are better things to do?"
Deidara scowled at him. "Now you sound like Kakuzu." And the miser always picks the cheapest of places to spend his hard-earned money on Halloween, and it's not giving candies to the kiddies. He shuddered to himself; he sounded like one of those creeps out there, to himself.
"But at least my grandmother taught me to spend wisely at the same time, but that's beside the point. Hell, in her mother's day, she didn't have to pass out candy. She'd be on the street 'selling her goods' so her only daughter had everything she needed." Deidara cringed; the last thing he wanted was foul talk about family curses and their friends' own problems, but here they were. He wanted tonight to be an "explosion", but he hated how life didn't always go as planned. "All of this was back in the day when she was stripping."
"Danna, could you just skip the talk about the strippers in your family just for tonight, un, please?" the blond begged, putting his hand in the pumpkin bowl which had been Granny Chiyo's that she'd made specially on her own. This small fact could very much mark the fact she and Deidara were related rather than her and Sasori, which made the clay artist beam proudly to himself. Chiyo always had cookies and the likes ready for him and her grandson when they were kids growing up together. "Kakuzu can bitch all he wants about spending hard-earned money, but you're not him, and your family won't have anything to do with affecting this - even Granny Chiyo, rest her." He sighed heavenly and leaned back, letting his ponytail fall back and the fresh night wind run through, giving his scalp a natural massage.
And then a small voice brought him to attention. "Trick or treat!" A red-haired little girl of about eight was dressed in a magical dress that made her look like an angel - and she even had WINGS! Deidara felt his eyes bulge at how artistic it was; the material of the dress was a flowing lining of color in the rainbow. The wings were made of realistic looking white feathers shimmering with silver.
"Aw, aren't you pretty!" Deidara cooed, reaching into his bowl and putting it into her black cat bag. He'd placed in a handful - and he hoped the child did not notice - before grasping a handful of HERS and putting it back into his bowl. Sasori narrowed his eyes when he noticed this but said nothing. That did not mean he would not confront his partner about this as soon as the child and her mother were gone. The majority of the children in the streets was the mothers being the chaperones, or aunts? Women were often on the streets while their husbands and the males were busy with work or with other matters.
And there it came after the child pecked his cheek - awww, was she sweet? - and was ushered by her mother to leave. "Dei."
"Yes, Sasori-kun?" he purred, but the charm was to no avail.
"I saw what you did. You gave her a handful and then took a handful of her own for yourself. And YOU said I was like Kakuzu." His devilish smile penetrated his sinfully beautiful face. "I believe I know you better than anyone, or do you insist on tricking me as a fool from time to time? Is this what you are doing out here after getting a couple bags of candy at the store today? Suppose...you were really low on bills today despite paying them on our house and the necessities early in this month?"
Deidara flushed. Guilty as charged, but he wouldn't admit it. It was not only that, but sometimes you got the munchies even after a long day, and today had been just that. And besides, he'd done this for years.
The glare he received from his love would have made him melt in the kiln rather than harden like his students' clay pieces for projects. "You should be ashamed of yourself."
"Trick or treat!" Deidara swallowed when he saw this one child, a boy of ten, was dressed as a COW of all things - and Sasori had to open his mouth on this one.
"Lady, what the hell do you think you did dressing this boy as a damned cow? You ought to be ashamed of yourself." Deidara had to hiss at him; what was his danna's problem? He was going to scar this one for life. Already, he could see it in the kid's eyes, and his poor mother was contemplating murder in hers. "Besides, look at his weight: with all those candies, he is going to add up more calories and become eternal chow."
"Danna!" he growled. "Shut up." The redhead hissed through his teeth in return. Deidara put on a smile and reached into his bowl to give the kid what he came for - but he didn't luck out when the boy noticed he took more candy than he gave. Because in his bag, he had more than he noticed just now. To keep short of what happened next, a shouting match followed before Sasori stepped up to his defense.
As soon as the deadly duo was gone, he gulped at what he saw coming up the street, rounding from a darkened corner dominated by trees and eerie mist. The gulp turned to a heavy swallow, even though the lesser pressure didn't help much of miracles. "S-Sasori...what the hell is THAT?"
Eerie whistling filled the air as the mysterious being began to make itself known as it stepped from the shadows and into the street light in its path. Both artistic partners stiffened even though one was ready to jump out of his pants and the other was more disgusted than scared.
"Dei, idiot, it's just some fool dressed like a clown."
C-c-clown?! Ooh, the willies! He HATED clowns ever since he was a child - hell, there were some accounts these days of molesters of all ages dressed as these demonic things. Never mind they had artistic appearances; they were never harmless in more ways than one...!
"If they come over here, you're welcome to pull out one of your special C4's on their ass," his redheaded lover told him with a sly smile. "If that makes you feel better, Dei." He leaned over and placed a kiss on the blond's cheek, but Deidara was ready to do what he said he felt like he would: jump out of his pants, or have an accident if he couldn't on time. He hated to be in that embarrassing situation with his baby beside him.
"S-S-Sasori-d-d-anna, I'm scared," he stammered, slinking into the other man. And on his favorite night of all nights! Halloween was the scariest time of the year, and WHY DID ONE OF HIS GREATEST FEARS HAVE TO HAPPEN TO HIM?! The damned circus fiend was coming closer with that box of whatever was inside...if it was a jack in the box...oh, he hated those, too! "My man, who the hell do you know walks up the street with a box dressed as a clown?!"
"Deidara, whatever is in that damned box that will jump out at you could be nothing more than a puppet just like one of my own." Sasori then raised his voice at the clown who continued to come their way. "You bastard, my boyfriend is scared. Either you stop right there, or you face the wrath of the puppet master." He growled then and there when the creature - one of many of the night - got closer and finally stopped about six feet from them, and he decided he had enough for Deidara's sake, which the blond was grateful for.
"Listen, clown, my man is scared to death. You have a minute and no more to get off our property before I phone 911 and get your ass in jail for however long they deem fit. I never play around."
Unfortunately, the clown didn't listen and reached around to turn the roller on the side, readying whatever was inside to jump out and give the poor blond the heart attack he knew he would never recover from...
Sasori lost it as Deidara just had the dreaded accident.
"Oh, that pushes the last button!" he seethed, standing and stalking over. "Let's see what you got in there; let's see something jump up and out of this damned box...!"
And just like that, the lid flipped back and the extra person cried "BOO!"
Deidara screamed and fell out of his chair, while Sasori's fist collided with the other clown's face, sending them toppling out of the box and onto the ground. Their companion growled and knelt down to their side.
"Red, you imbecile, you didn't have to hit him like that!"
Both lovers gaped in shock at the revelation of who these "clowns" were. "Kisame?! TOBI?!"
"What the hell is wrong with you both?" Sasori demanded, hands on his hips as he watched one clown mask come off to reveal the face of Itachi Uchiha's assistant - Kisame Hoshigaki, a man who had somehow been born with a genetic mutation that gave him the blue skin and three scars beneath each eye like a shark, including the teeth; Tobi was their "new boy" they saved from a gang fight not many months ago, but no one knew his true background, and he didn't know his own family, either. Guy was a complete mystery, but a harmless one at that. A kid who never grew up, Deidara thought with a snort.
"Ooh, oops, Tobi almost got his nose busted!" One major abnormality: he always wore a mask and never took it off because of a personal cursed deformity. "Sasori, you didn't have to hit Tobi like that! Tobi is a good boy!"
Deidara sniffed and stood despite his "accident", hobbling over and wincing at his mild throb in his left calf. "You're lucky I didn't bomb your ass! You two know I am scared of clowns!"
Kisame chuckled and shook his head, reaching to adjust the younger's mask - his swirling orange one instead of the clown one - and asked, "You all right, kid?"
"Hell no! Sasori punched me like a damned dude!"
"That's because I AM a dude!" the puppet maker spat. "Because of you, my man is shaking like a salt shaker or one of my puppets on my strings."
It was then and there that Deidara's iPhone in his pocket began to ring. All eyes diverted to the caller ID: ITACHI UCHIHA. Deidara breathed a sigh of relief that they were saved by the bell - or should he say, saved by the weasel? "Alright, shut up so we can hear what he has to say. Itachi?"
"Hello, Deidara - and the lot of you."
"Itachi, you missed some good fun that Tobi and I just gave the girls," Kisame told him, baring his shark-like teeth even though the Uchiha could not see. Deidara stuck his tongue out at him which the shark man pointedly ignored.
Itachi snorted. "I am not interested to know what prank you pulled, my sharky assistant. Now, as I was saying, I am at home with my foolish little brother upstairs, but I have to make sure he doesn't sneak out of the house and get into trouble again."
Every single one of the guys groaned, the clay artist himself included. Sasuke Uchiha - the bratty little emo himself. Just how many times did they have to be called over to the home of one of their own when Itachi was made for something better instead of sinking down to make sure his ungrateful little otouto was looked after?
"No, Itachi, I won't be able to come over there. Deidara is on the verge of passing out from his near-fatal heart attack that Kisame and Tobi just gave him, and I am on the verge of strangling them both to death with my puppet strings. You know I also hate going out on Halloween. Plus, I am sure Kisame and Tobi have better things to do which includes scaring the hell out of other people like they did to me and my poor blondie tonight -" Sasori, my man - you TRAITOR!
Deidara was fuming at the utter humiliation. Oh, he was SO going to grab his balls tonight and crush him if he had to! As for the other two, Kisame was still leering as he enjoyed every minute of this, and poor masked Tobi was quivering in his big boots.
And Itachi had the final straw. "We can have drinks and bets like the good old days in college."
That brought the light forth in everyone's eyes. "We're on our way, un!" Deidara declared, before another unexpected voice filled the air.
"Oh, hell to the no! If you are all going to go over to the weasel's place, then bring me along, too! I can spare an hour or two away from my communion tonight and leave it to my trustees!" Hidan announced, flouncing towards them in his black leather jacket opened to show his muscle shirt and many chains and crosses, causing slaps to the forehead. But at least the cheapskake Kakuzu wasn't here to bitch about how cheap it was to spend it at their weasel's instead of their favorite bar tonight.
Only that would not be a problem; it was the fact that this concerned a certain troublesome baby Uchiha.
I know the lot of what you've seen can't be anything new in other fics (such as Sasuke being his usual emo self, Kiba and wild parties, the rest of the gang involved, and how Itachi's Akatsuki friends are portrayed in terms of their lifestyles as well as the weasel raising his bratty baby brother after their parents' deaths), but it all was perfect in here. :) I'm having fun already and can't wait to see how this story goes in under ten chapters at most.
Reviews are most gracious - but please don't flame me.