First Day On A Brand New Planet
Part One
A/N: Yes, I have other things to write. I needed a break! There shall be more and this one will not be the biggest angst-fest in the world, but no lies there will probably be some.
Summary: It's been nine long months but the day is finally here - Karma's having their baby. But it's the longest day ever and nothing really goes to plan.
'Drove home like we stole the sun,
these kinds of memories don't fade, don't run'
It's been the longest nine months (well 37 weeks and 3 days) of Amy's twenty-seven years of life.
Yeah, Karma's having their baby and Amy kind of feels like she might just explode of excitement (or fear) before the baby's even born. It was sometime around the fifth or sixth month when she finally felt the baby kick for the first time that she realized she doesn't have any legit experience with babies.
Literally none.
She didn't even really like the baby dolls she was given for Christmas as a kid.
But Karma's been literally glowing through the last few months of the pregnancy. It's like being maternal is something that Karma just exudes into her daily life. Amy's just a little bit jealous that Karma looks so confident about their ability to bring this human into the world.
This tiny little human that's going to rely on them for absolutely everything.
Sure, Amy is generally very intelligent. She's only twenty-seven and made director of human resources at the South Austin Medical Center. It's not like they struggle to pay the bills (like, at all).
So, yeah, she knows they can afford to raise this baby – that's not really what she's scared of.
Amy's scared that they're not going to be able to raise this baby into a fully functioning human being that's a productive member of society. Well, really, that she won't be able to contribute much because she knows Karma's impact on this little human will make up for all she's lacks.
But she's been thinking a lot lately – about how to instill morals into a child, how to raise a kid that doesn't get bullied, or that doesn't become the bully, how to raise a kid to be accepting and loving, how to raise a kid to have manners and to realize the significance of a dollar. And like, she thinks she turned out okay and could be considered 'ordinary' by society's standards. But she has no idea how Farrah really managed that because seventy five percent of the time her mom was more concerned with her husbands, the state of the house, and what the other parents thought of the Raudenfeld-Cooper clan. So, she wonders if maybe it was self-resilience? And then she hopes their baby is born with the ability to fend for herself if they totally fuck this up.
And yes, it's a girl.
They're having a girl. A girl that she hopes looks just like Karma because Amy hates her nose. And she thinks Karma is the prettiest girl she's ever seen in her entire life so how can she not wish those genetics on their baby?
These last nine months have been full of cravings, hormones, tears, joy, worry, baby clothes, and furniture assemblies. She remembers wanting to throw the stupid crib pieces across the room when she realized part of it was backwards. (Really, fuck those directions, though). And it's been full of late nights spent talking to Karma's stomach (even though she felt a little bit stupid). It's been full of doctor visits, hearing a heartbeat over the monitor, and watching this little figure squirm on screen.
But still it didn't seem real yet.
And then she finally felt a kick and saw the shape of a little foot - which was simultaneously the most bizarre and amazing thing that's ever happened. And, yeah, she totally cried – but so did Karma - and then they spent the rest of the night making fun of each for it.
She wonders how this little person is going to impact their marriage because they've never really had plan their lives around anything other than themselves and their next meal. She wonders if she's capable of making sure this kid stays alive. Which, okay, she probably is capable of that since their dog is still alive but she's pretty sure that's mostly because of Karma.
She gives Karma all the fucking credit in the world – she's going to be mother of the year, Amy's sure of it.
"Did you get the bag, Ames?" she hears Karma's voice from upstairs and shakes her head to clear her thoughts.
Right. The bag.
She looks all over the stupid house but she cannot remember where they put that thing because it's not anywhere to be found.
"Where is it?" and Amy knows she sounds frantic but she can't help it.
Karma's been having contractions for the last like, five hours – if it was up to Amy they would've left for the hospital immediately, but Molly appeared at their door twenty minutes later. And with her came a bag of all these odd natural remedies and unwarranted advice to 'labor at home' for a few hours until the contractions increase in frequency.
It's fucking killing her to see Karma in this kind of pain. And all the heating pads and massages in the world haven't been doing shit to help. So, about two hours ago Molly suggested a birth pool in their bathtub to help with the discomfort. This also has done all of absolutely nothing and Amy's basically been at her wits end with all this natural crap.
Normally, she has no problem letting Molly suggest weird herbs and kale smoothies but when it comes to this – when it comes to Karma – Amy wants to have a say. She wants to be the one to shut this down and get Karma to the hospital where she can be monitored - where their baby can be monitored.
She's read all the horror stories online (she couldn't sleep one night and it was basically a black hole of a blog) and she's scared to death that something could go wrong at home and they'd never know. She's looked into things like the fact that the baby's heart rate should be monitored because it could drop with contractions or a cord could be wrapped around her tiny little neck and it could suffocate her. Or the placenta could be insufficient (whatever the fuck that means) and Karma could need oxygen-
"It's in the closet where we left it," Karma says as she breathes through another contraction. "Just bring it up here so we can leave in a few hours."
There's no way she's watching this for another few hours. There's just no way she can sit there and hold Karma's hand while she feels powerless to do anything.
So, when she gets back to the bathroom with the bag she turns to Molly and says, "We're not doing another few hours, we're going to the hospital. Now."
"It's okay, hon. The contractions are still every twenty minutes and-"
"No," Amy says, sharply. Karma and Molly both kind of freeze at her tone. "We're going now because not only is Karma in a lot of pain but that's my baby and I want someone watching her. I want doctors and nurses there making sure she's safe because if something goes wrong here and she's not I will never forgive you."
She stares Molly down until she finally stands and shakes her head in some sort of silent acceptance.
"Ames?"
She turns and looks at Karma who's all wrinkley from sitting in the tub and softens instantly. "Sorry, I – I'm just scared… for the baby. And I want her to be okay and we won't know if she is if we can't tell what's going on in there. They have the monitors there and the staff."
Karma leans up out of the water and kisses her softly. "Don't apologize for protecting us. You should never," another kiss, "ever," and another, "apologize for that."
The ER is busy when they walk in and Karma's pretty much slaughtering her hand as she continues to grunt through the contractions.
"My wife's in labor," she hears herself say but everything's swirling around her and it's all just happening too fast to be processed. Molly follows behind them and Amy knows she's making all the necessary phone calls to friends and family.
The nurse runs them through an admission and sends them over to labor and delivery where Amy basically just wants to scream at everyone to do things quicker – she wants them - no needs them to tell her that Karma and the baby are totally fine.
Karma squeezes her hand a little bit softer so Amy looks over to see a small smile on her face. "We're good. Promise."
"But she's not even due yet. You're only thirty-seven weeks and I mean, I read up on it. She's full term but forty weeks is better for the baby. I just want someone to look at you guys and tell me for sure that everything's fine."
"And they will," Karma says after a minute. She lifts their conjoined hands and places a small kiss on the back of Amy's and then gives a wink before a nurse interrupts them.
"My name's Erin, I'm gonna be your nurse tonight," she smiles and Amy's instantly a little relieved. She's probably in her late thirties and Amy thanks the universe she looks like she has some experience under her belt. "I just need you to head into the bathroom, put the gown on, put this on around your belly so we can put the monitor on, and pee in this cup."
Amy covers a laugh when she sees Karma's face at the last order. "I'll be right here when you're done." Karma rolls her eyes and takes all the supplies to the bathroom.
"You're with Karma?" the nurse asks as she continues to plug some information into the computer in the corner.
Amy looks around but Molly isn't in the room like she thought. "Yeah, she's my wife. She's only thirty-seven weeks, is that okay? Like, is the baby gonna be okay?"
"Thirty seven weeks is full term," Erin responds, casually. Somehow, even though Amy knew that she feels better hearing it from a professional. "And since midnight is almost upon us she'll be thirty-seven weeks and four days so she's really closer to thirty-eight weeks. Only two weeks early – babies born at that age are generally totally fine and do well. I get that you're nervous," Amy looks away, "but you're here. We're gonna take care of them."
The bathroom door opens to reveal Karma in her gown (which shouldn't be as hot as it is) with the little specimen cup that she hands to the nurse who gestures for her to take a seat on the bed while she handles some other things.
"She said thirty-seven weeks is okay."
"We knew that already," Karma says with a smile. "You okay, babe?"
Amy fidgets on the couch and looks around trying to absorb their surroundings. "I'm good. Glad we're here. But, more importantly, are you okay?"
Karma's face scrunches up as she takes a few deep breaths, "Will be once she's out."
"You're sure you don't want anything for pain?" Amy knows Karma wants to do this thing all-natural (which, props to her because Amy knows she would've had the epidural hours ago) but she hates seeing Karma hurting.
"It's better –" more deep breaths, "for the baby if I don't."
"It is and if you prefer to do this without anything I'm gonna be your biggest cheerleader, Karma," Erin tells them both as she has Karma lay back so she can be hooked up to wires and an IV can be started. And then Amy hears a heartbeat again and her whole world comes into focus. "First baby can be a long one, okay? I've seen it be quick but most of the time that's not the case so settle in. You can have ice chips throughout but no food. We're gonna keep monitoring you both the whole time to make sure there's no complications. You can have up to three people in the delivery room with you when it's time. Do you know who you want to stay?"
Karma lets out a long breath, "Amy, of course. I'm not sure about my mom yet."
Erin nods and hooks Karma up to some sort of fluids. "We have a bracelet for you, Amy, so everyone knows you're her support person. Can I get you guys anything?"
"We're good," Karma finally says after her contraction breaks.
Amy moves to sit on the side of the bed and takes Karma's hand as she keeps breathing through the oncoming pain.
"Okay, one of the doctors will be in shortly to check you out and see where you're at as far as contractions and how far dilated. Hang tight, but hit the call button if you need anything."
"You're doing so good, Karms," Amy tries as a means of reassurance but Karma just grimaces.
Yeah, this pregnancy hasn't been easy on Karma. All those glaring insecurities that have always been a part of Karma have been rearing their ugly heads. And Amy's been doing her best to be encouraging and supportive but there were still nights that Karma would just roll her eyes like Amy was lying.
"I look awful right now. Why would you even want me? I have stretch marks and I'm always sweating. I look disgusting in any and all clothes now. I basically eat like a cow – it has to be the most unattractive thing."
Amy remembers flashing a small smile before she stole a kiss and said, "Karma, you look ridiculously sexy like this. You're making this little person in there for us and that's literally the most amazing thing ever. You're creating a human that we'll love and take care of and you're going to be the perfect mom. You're gonna teach her to play guitar when she's older and show her how to make those perfect chocolate chip cookies," Karma scrunched up her face like those weren't sufficient so Amy continued, "You've been glowing through this entire pregnancy… well besides those first two months you puked every five minutes – but like, ever since then you've looked perfect. And I love you in your maternity clothes, you couldn't look disgusting if you tried. And you know the eating thing has really only been a huge turn on because your sweet tooth has been comparable to mine," and Karma laughs, "I might actually like you better this way. Do you know how much more baking you've done since you started having cravings?"
"Don't lie to me, Amy."
"Babe, I am not lying. Have you even seen your boobs lately?"
"This hurts so bad," Karma whines and Amy really has a half second where she debates just telling Karma she's getting pain medicine whether she wants it or not. She reels it back in and reminds herself that this pain her wife's in is temporary and the rewards will be worth it.
"I'll get you some ice, kay?" Karma just nods pathetically as Amy hands her a styrofoam cup. She has no idea why it's always ice chips but Karma seems to appreciate them all the same.
Erin pops her head back in followed by a woman in a white coat – Amy assumes she's the doctor.
"Hey guys, I'm Dr. Jessica Meyer," she shakes Amy's hand and kneels down to look at Karma before she continues. Amy decides right there that she likes her. "Karma, I'm gonna be with you today and we're gonna get you through this. What I need you to do is lay on your back though and legs go up in the stirrups so I can check you out. Think you can do that?"
Karma rolls over and tries to situate herself while Amy watches Erin pull up more information on the computer. "Jess, can you come take a look at this strip real quick."
And that's when Amy kind of starts to worry. She's fully aware of the fact that she's probably been overly concerned throughout the pregnancy – but those are her girls on that bed, there's really no way for her to be nonchalant about what's going on. Karma has always been the most important person in her life but now she has this new person to worry about so her anxiety has been double its usual.
Dr. Meyer kneels back down, looks at Karma and says, "Karma, the baby's heart rate keeps dropping with your contractions. It's something we call non-reassuring fetal heart tones and it's not something we like to see. Normally, I prefer for the heart rate to be over a hundred and twenty beats per minute. As you're having contractions the baby's heart rate is dropping down into the sixties. For safety purposes I'd like to proceed with a c-section."
Karma nods but Amy stands and looks around for some sort of explanation. "Surgery?"
"It's the best course of action for them both. We'll have a neonatologist in the operation room with us for the baby and nurses from the NICU just in case and we'll be there for mom. This isn't something we wanna sit on. I want mom and baby safe – I'm sure we're on the same page there," Dr. Meyer says, pointedly.
"Is it dangerous?"
"Any surgery has risks and benefits. I'd be happy to explain but we're kind of short on time," she explains as she glances back at the monitor and frowns. "I really wanna get this moving. Erin, get everything ready and meet me in the OR."
Amy suddenly feels more helpless than she did ten minutes ago (which she didn't think was possible). Karma looks nervous but she's still grunting through the contractions that have definitely become more frequent since their arrival.
"Ames, c'mere."
"This is gonna be fine. You and the baby are gonna be fine," Amy says, clearly trying to convince them both.
"Kiss me, please." Amy does as she's told and then proceeds to place a few extra kisses all over Karma's face to make her smile. She succeeds.
"Okay, Amy, normally you'd be able to come with us but the anesthesia is gonna put her under so we'll have you come in when everything's said and done and the baby's out. Mommy's gonna do fine," Erin says as she unlocks the brakes on the bed. "We won't be long it's a quick surgery."
And then there are three other nurses in the room to help Erin get the bed through a door that looks way too small. Amy wants to heave up her lunch when they start to take Karma down the hallway.
"I'll be there when you're done. I'll be right there when you wake up," she shouts as Karma disappears through double doors.
What if she never sees Karma again? What if something goes horribly wrong and she loses one of them?
What if she loses them both?
And then she feels hands on her shoulders. She turns to find her mom, Molly, Lucas and Bruce all behind her. She's really fucking relieved to have some support in her corner for this because if she had to stand here alone she's pretty sure she'd be sneaking into that OR already.
"Honey, everything's gonna be fine. It's a routine surgery and Karma's a strong girl so her and that little one are going to be perfect." Farrah's trying to be encouraging – Amy knows this – but there's nothing anyone can do or say that's going to make her feel better. The only thing that's going to help is when Dr. Meyers comes out and tells her with one hundred percent certainty that the girls are safe.
Lauren, Theo, and Shane appear within the next ten minutes but they're just kind of there in the background. She can hear muted conversations and she knows they've all said their greetings but she can't take her eyes off those double doors.
And then Dr. Meyers is walking back through with a smile. Amy feels relief wash over her – it reminds her of being eleven, watching Karma fall off the slide in the park and the overwhelming anxiety that ensued until Karma gave her a shaky thumbs up – it's that same relief she feels now as Dr. Meyer gestures for her to follow.
"Amy, everything went perfectly. They're finishing up with mommy but baby is over here. She needs to stay under the warmer for now, but as soon as Karma's a little more awake we'll have her do skin to skin with baby."
"Can I – can I see her?" she's trying to catch glimpses over the nurse's shoulders but all she can see are ten tiny toes kicking around with seemingly no purpose.
"Of course, give the nurses a sec."
And then she hears the most perfect little cry. It's hard to think that less than twenty minutes ago this little human was in Karma's stomach and didn't legitimately exist yet. Amy hasn't even seen her but she already knows this new person has changed everything. Any other time she knows she'd be annoyed by a baby crying (she usually is) but this baby sounds like the first time she heard her the Beatles – no, more like the first time she heard Karma sing.
The nurse finally turns around and waves her over. "My name's Nikki. I'm a nusrse from the NICU, so basically - I'm the baby's nurse since mom's got her own doctors and nurses," the woman explains as she moves to the other side of the warmer bed. "She's perfect. Admission exam is all done and she got her first bath so we're just letting her warm back up. Do you have a name yet?"
"No, uh… we weren't sure yet. Karma – she… we – um, we had a few but we thought we had like two more weeks," she murmurs as she finally steps up. She feels the tears on her cheeks before she actually knows they're there.
The baby is lying on her back, in her diaper, and Amy's never seen something so small. She kicks her tiny feet a few times and flexes her hands like she's trying to get used to the world.
"Hey, baby girl," Amy whispers as she sticks her finger near a little hand. She feels tiny baby fingers wrap around that finger and she already knows she's going to do everything she can to make sure this little girl has everything she wants. She so desperately wishes Karma was awake right now – they were supposed to do this together.
"She was six pounds, seven ounces. Nineteen inches. She's the perfect size for thirty-seven weeks. You got a little munchkin. As soon as mommy wakes up we'll work – wait are you guys gonna breastfeed or bottle?"
Amy laughs and finally says, "Karma's gonna breastfeed. Her mom would kill her if she didn't. When do you think she'll wake up?"
"Definitely within the hour. As soon as this little one is all warmed up you can hold her."
Hold her.
Amy takes a minute to process the fact that she'll be the first one to hold this squishy little person. She really always envisioned Karma being the first one to hold the baby but then again surgery was never really in the plans. So, yeah, this entire experience has been a little off the map but then Amy sees the baby again and realizes - who the fuck cares?
This baby is still the end result and she has this perfect little nose, ten fingers, ten toes, and this kind of strawberry blonde hair that she knows gave Karma all that damn heartburn. Her little eyes are still closed from the antibiotics they put there but Amy doesn't really need her to open her eyes to know they're perfect too.
This is everything she ever wanted with Karma.
"Jess, she's bleeding pretty heavily and we're getting some pretty big clots over here. It's looking like a hemorrhage," Erin shouts from the side of Karma's bed. Amy sees her digging in Karma's stomach like she's gonna go right through to the other side.
"I need a bag of Pitocin and a bag of methergine in here. Gimme her vitals, Erin."
And then there's all this blood – it looks like a fucking massacre. And whatever blood Amy had in her face is long gone. Nikki ushers her toward the door and away from the baby and Karma.
How the fuck did this happen? They told her everything went perfectly.
Extra nurses appear out of what seems like fucking nowhere with bags of fluid and a scale to weigh all of that blood. All of that blood. Amy's fucking concerned Karma isn't going to have any left at the end of it.
Amy read all the horror stories about childbirth. She gets that it's really fucking dangerous and there's a multitude of things that can go wrong.
But it was never supposed to happen to Karma.
Nikki gives her a look and says, "We'll call you as soon as she's stable. Dr. Meyers is one of our best. I know people say stuff like that but I'm serious. She did her entire residency here; they kept her on staff because she was good. Most of our residents go elsewhere after they're done. I know you're worried but just… between her and Erin – Karma is in good hands. And I'll keep an eye on the munchkin for you in the meantime."
Molly and Farrah make themselves present for comfort, but she waves them off. She can't be distracted. She can't be a basket case – Karma is going to need her to be strong (even though she's actually fucking terrified).
Shane wraps his arms around Amy from behind and squeezes. "How's our little jellybean?"
Amy smirks at the nickname he's had for the baby since Karma found out she was pregnant. "She's perfect. Six pounds, seven ounces. Her hair is so pretty, Shane. It kind of glows in the right lighting."
"Of course Karma's genes would overpower donor daddy's."
"My girl's strong," Amy replies with more certainty than she feels right now.
"Yeah, she is. Karma's got this," he says and then leans a little closer to add, "thank god you talked Molly out of that god awful home birth idea."
Her heart clenches at the thought. Karma almost did this in their goddamn bathtub. Karma would have fucking died if they'd listened to Molly today. Amy would have lost Karma - there is no world Amy can see herself living in where Karma does not exist.
That world actually sounds horrific.
If she imagines not seeing Karma again it makes her sick. But then if she imagines not seeing Karma or the baby – if she imagines not having this family they've spent nine months (really, for Amy it's been the last seven years) preparing for it makes life very much not worth living.
Amy loves Karma. She never thought she'd love anyone as much as she loves Karma until she saw that baby's little face. That little face made her life feel complete in ways her fifteen year old self could've never imagined.
Karma has to be okay.
"Karma hasn't even met her yet, Shane. That perfect little person in there hasn't even met her mommy yet."
It's a really rare moment when Shane gets sentimental. So, it scares her when he says, "Saving the best for last."
"Hey!"
"Oh, c'mon. She's totally the better half of Karmy."
And Amy really can't argue that one. Karma is so totally her better half. She really always has been – since that day in kindergarten when Karma taught her to use the glue stick properly. She can still to this day picture five-year-old Karma leaning across their conjoined desks with her own glue stick before saying, "No, here like this. I'll show you."
There's not really Amy Raudenfeld without Karma Ashcroft – and Amy made sure to make that permanent two and a half years ago when they said 'I do' and made it legal. They're legally married – Karma has all their papers, wills, documents stored away if something went horribly wrong. But Amy never actually thought anything would happen so she has literally no idea where any of those papers are.
If something happens to Karma – Amy doesn't know where the papers are. Amy doesn't know how to cook anything but eggs. Amy is like this fake adult that Karma's been taking care of for years.
How would her and this kid even survive without Karma's guidance?
"Amy?"
She whips around to find Erin popping out from behind the double doors. "Yeah? How are they? Is Karma okay?"
"She's okay," Erin says. "She had a big blood loss so she's gonna be a little out of it. But vitals are stable and she got a blood transfusion. We're gonna do some blood work in a few hours just to be sure – but she's waking up now. You can come see her."
Which, really? Amy was going to see her whether this nurse said it was cool or not. No one is keeping her from seeing her wife.
So, she follows Erin in to Karma's bed. She's a little taken aback by how pale Karma is, but she's got this groggy half-smile that Amy thinks is probably the cutest thing she's ever seen.
"Ames," Karma's voice is all scratchy and she winces when she speaks.
"Hey, babe. You're okay," she says softly as she runs a hand through Karma's messy hair.
Karma nods in confirmation. "How's the baby?"
"Perfect," and then there's tears. Of course there's tears. "Karms, she's perfect."
"Name?"
"I didn't wanna pick without you. Last time we talked we weren't sure," Amy says, ignoring the cracks in her voice. "I just – if I picked a name I felt like-"
"I liked Elise," Karma voices, cutting Amy off before she completely loses her shit. Karma's always totally known what Amy needs before Amy even knows it. "Elise Grace?"
"That name totally fits her, Karms."
"I haven't even seen her yet," Karma pouts. Amy looks around and gestures to Nikki for the baby.
"Here you go guys – just keep her wrapped, kay? They get cold fast," Nikki says before she lays the baby in Amy's arms.
Amy is stiff as a board trying to hold this baby and about ten shades of awkward. She hears Karma giggle from the bed but when Amy looks over all she sees is awe and love.
"Amy, relax. She's a baby not a bomb."
"You won't break her," Nikki reassures from her spot against the sink.
But she's got six pounds of perfect in her arms and she's going to make damn sure nothing breaks their baby – especially not her.
"Hey, Els… that's your mommy over there. You didn't get to meet her earlier but I figured we could do introductions now. Elise, this is mommy," Amy glances at Karma quickly who's swatting at a few stray tears but smiling like a fool at what's going on in front of her. "Mommy, this is Elise."