Diary

Greys anatomy is not mine

Dear Diary:

Today for the first time in a whole year I looked at a man and I didn't compare him to Burke. I have decided to not do that anymore, for in my heart I know that no one will ever measure up.

I met a man and he stirred something in me, something I thought I'd permanently lost. He looked at me and I'm reminded that I'm not dead. That inside this robotic figure roaming around the hospital lives a real human being, a woman. A woman who still remembers what it feels like to be touched and loved, a woman who still yearns in all her secret places for the touch of a man.

He inspires me to take chances, to just go for it, whatever it is. In some ways he reminded me of the person I once was. The child who wanted to swim in the deep end of my parents pool, but they wouldn't let me. "Be careful Cristina" my mother would say, "start at the shallow end first."

I don't want to be careful. I've done my share of starting from the shallow end. Today, like back then, with eyes wide open, I want to dive into the deep end. I want to explore and see what lies beneath the surface, to take my chances, to not think about tomorrow, or yesterday and what might have been. I want to live just for today because living for tomorrow is pointless.

I met a man today and he too seemed to be living just for the moment. Like me he seemed lost, confused, feeling out of place in the world. There's something hauntingly magnetic about him. He pulls me in. He seemed to be finding his way back from something, I'm not sure what, but he looked like he had opened hell's door and took a peek inside.

I can see the damage in him. I can feel his pain. Like kindred spirits we are drawn to one another, and it doesn't matter what went on before, it's what's left in the after.

I want to jump into the deep end with him and I know that if I fail to do it right, I could sink to the bottom and die. I do not care, I'd rather sink than survive a painful fall. I've done that before, survive, I mean, it is too painful and no matter what anyone says, one never fully recovers.

I want to take my chances with him. I will take my chances with him. I will jump in head first, I will let him soothe my aching heart and I'll soothe his. I will let him touch me in those secret places that was once reserved for someone else. I will let him dry my tears and I'll dry his, and together we will exorcise each other's demons. I will do things moment by moment without any expectations, and if I'm lucky, I might love again.

There is a part of me that will always belong to someone else. It is a special chamber in my heart that no one else can enter. In there are stored memories of a time past, of a love lost, of a dark knight who reigned supreme. There are laughter and tears, hopes and fears. There are dreams we lived out and there are those that remained unfulfilled. There is the other me, the idealistic new intern who in her own naivete, thought she could do it all. There is the memory of a child whose heart, for the briefest of time, beat inside of me. There are intimate moments that no one else can replicate, for they belong to just me and him. They are sacred, they are real and they will live forever in my heart.

There are no regrets, and if I had to live my life over I wouldn't change a thing, but the door to that chamber is locked now, the keys stored in a safe place. Yesterday is gone, I don't know about tomorrow, and life goes on.