Warning - This fic contains Yugi/Yami shounen-ai. If you don't like it, and intend to send death threats and whatnot, then it might be a nice idea to hit that pretty little blue arrow pointing to the left on your browser. And if you continue on to flame me, well, quite frankly, I hope someone shoots a cannon in your face, you literature-oppressing heathen! It's people like you... that are... mean... and make writers SAD. :'( See? LOOK AT THE SAD FACE!. There may be some swearing. That is all.
Mali: Wha-hey! It's my first Yu-Gi-Oh humour fic!
Yami: (Drinks milk) And you said you weren't gonna write one...
Mali: Well, I LIED, didn't I? So there. And Anzu kinda... sorta... dies.... so need I say- ANZU-BASHING AHEAD! BEWARE! BEWARE!
Yugi: Let me guess- you killed her to make room for mine and Yami's tense yet pretty relationship?
Yami: (Coughs suddenly, causing milk to come out of his nose) What?
Mali: Well, ya see, Yami, if Yugi likes Anzu, and Anzu likes you, then the plot is basically stuffed. But, when we take her OUT-
Yami: I KNOW THAT!
Mali: Good on ya.
Yami: .... (Sweatdrop)
Yugi: (Snickers)
Yami: What?
Yugi: (Points at Mali, still snickering)
Mali: What?
Yugi: (Condescendingly) Well, as if YOU could manage shounen-ai....
Mali: Shaddup and go back to your old I.Q.
Yugi: (Eyes glaze over) I have pretty shoes!
Yami: ... So I get a body?
Mali: Yep.
Yami: ... COOL. Wait. I'm gonna be humiliated beyond all belief, aren't I?
Mali: If need be, then yes.
Yami: And you claim that I'm your favourite character...
Mali: If need be, then yes.
Yami: ....
Yugi: I have pretty shoes!
Mali: I like vanilla. I like vanilla. I like vanilla. I like vanilla. I like-
Yami: (Sighs and hits Mali's restart button)
Mali: (Reboots) Thank you Yami.
Yugi: I have pretty shoes!
Yami: I'm hungry... give me food damnitt.
Mali: I don't own Yu-Gi-Oh, any songs, ripped-off skits or comedian routines in this fic! Have fun! :)
Cheezels!
Chapter 1 - The 'Tragic' Death of Anzu
Yugi tapped Yami on the shoulder. "Yami?" he asked. "Remember when those crazy bunny-shaped fireballs attacked?"
Yami pointed at his singed hair. "Yes. With extraordinary pain and horror."
"Well, they took my belts and they didn't give them back."
"They didn't ruin your hair, though, did they?" was the scathing response. "I'm scared to get it cut. I've always been scared of getting it cut, because if I do I'll look like a Christina Aguilera/lion clone that's had it's head beaten flat with a folder, now won't I?"
"What? No, you'd look fine... sheesh. It's just a few millimeters." he paused. "Anyways, can I borrow one of yours?"
"My belts?" asked Yami.
"Yes." replied Yugi.
".... Why?"
"Well, because I'm wearing those jeans that are in danger of falling down every time I take a step." said Yugi.
Yami stared. "And that's a bad thing?" he asked, honestly.
"Yes. Yes it is." said Yugi.
"I need my belts, though..." said Yami in despair.
Yugi blinked. "Would it make a difference if I danced for you?" he asked.
".... What?" asked Yami, eyes wide.
"Would it make a difference if I danced for you?"
Yami considered. "Well, I don't think-"
"JUST LET ME DANCE!" yelled Yugi, hitting play on the conveniently close stereo. 'Do Your Thing' by Basement Jaxx started up, and he began doing a very complicated routine.
Yami watched without blinking, wondering, "What the bloody hell?".
He watched for a bit, then thought, "Hey, he's pretty damn good!"
MEANWHILE, SOMEWHERE ELSE....
Seto Kaiba ran around his kitchen, screaming about dip.
"WHERE'S THE CHIP DIP!?" he screamed. "WHERE IS IT, WHERE IS- oh, here it is!" He took it to the next room and placed it lovingly on the snack table. "Hurray! Hurray! It's done! The snack table is done!" he cried, sounding like a complete pansy.
He ran upstairs and opened his bedside drawer, rummaging for the blue and white streamers. "La la la... oh, here they are!" Seto squealed in delight.
He found his ladder, and began hanging them in pretty patterns on the walls, while humming the French national anthem.
Because everyone knows he just loves the French, our little Seto! Yeah, he does...
BACK WITH YUGI AND YAMI....
"Yugi?" asked Yami.
Yugi still continued to dance.
"Yugi?"
Still dancing.
"YUGI!?" yelled Yami, losing his temper and slamming the stop button.
The music stopped abruptly.
"Sorry Yami." said Yugi, sheepishly. "It's just that... when I dance, I lose myself in the music."
Lose yourself in the music, the moment, you own it, you better never let it go... said the music in Yami's head. He smacked his head on the wall. "Stupid addictive songs." he whined.
"So what are you wearing to Seto's?" asked Yugi.
"Wouldn't you like to know?" smirked Yami.
Yugi giggled.
"What?" asked Yami.
"Oh, you just had that little smirk and that seductive voice... you know..." grinned Yugi.
"Oh." said Yami, disappointed.
"... You weren't being serious, were you?" asked Yugi.
"... No... well..." Yami paused. "No." he clarified.
There was a big long awkward silence.
"Well, I'm gonna go.... get changed. Yeah. Get changed." said Yami.
He trailed off sadly.
Yugi blinked. "Was it something I said?" he asked.
BACK AT SETO'S PLACE...
It was done!
Pretty blue and white streamers criss-crossed the ceiling and walls, there were snacks on the snack table, the liquor cabinet was locked (because this was supposed to be a clean, fun event (A/N: Keyword: SUPPOSED), and the stereo was ready to go.
And with half an hour to spare.
So you know what that means.
"Yay! I can watch The Bold and The Beautiful!" cried our soapie-loving Seto, grabbing the remote and switching the TV on.
He watched in silence for a few seconds. Then-
"Brooke's up to her old tricks again, I see. Why doesn't she just leave Ridge alone!? WHY!? Taylor just died, f'cryin out loud!"
BACK WITH YUGI AND YAMI... (A/N: Yes, I know I haven't gotten to any of the other characters, but it will happen. It WILL!)
Yami threw his hands up in the air. "This isn't fair!" he yelled, shaking his fist in Re's general direction.
A glowing note fluttered down from the ceiling, and Yami grabbed it.
"Dear Yami," he read. "Bite me. Love Re." He paused, then scowled. "WELL, SOME GOD YOU ARE!" he cried angrily.
There was no response.
"I'll have to see someone about converting..." he thought, then cringed.
He realized he was talking to himself.
"I'm going crazy... it's started. The pressure is weighing in on my mind. Damn I hate this." He looked out the window. "ARGH! BUNNY-SHAPED FIRE BALLS!" he screamed, diving under the bed.
In the other room, Yugi was attempting to watch the last fifteen minutes of Bend it Like Beckham (that he and Yami didn't get around to watching last night :D) while getting dressed. As he predicted, when he stepped to reach his shirt, his jeans began slipping down.
"Damnitt!" he hissed.
Why? Why had he bought them? Just because it was the fashion to have your jeans three sizes bigger than what your normal one was, he didn't have to buy them. He could have kept wearing what he always wore. No one would have cared. They only care about themselves, what they look like, the poor, sad fashion victims. No one gave a damn about the kid with the purple eyes and tri-coloured hair with the incredibly shiny, trendy jeans, where the hell did he get them from?
Yami stuck his head into the room, and noted the trouble Yugi was having with his jeans.
"For the love of Re...." he sighed, then went to retrieve his belt.
He opened his drawer, and immediately felt the urge to sandblast it before looking for the belt. "I never realised how messy I was." he said, perplexed.
Of course, it wasn't him. It was those jerks from the Campbell's Soup corporation. They're out to sabotage everyone.
Especially people with tri-coloured hair.
So Yami dug through his messy drawer, 'til he found the seventh out of seven black belts that he treasured so dearly.
And now there were clothes strewn all over the floor, and the only item of clothing remaining in the drawer was a lone sock.
Yami sighed, then threw that on the floor as well. Why fight it?
He walked out to the living room just in time to see Yugi slump onto the couch, whining, "The Chad... the Chad..."
Yami shook his head. Charlie's Angels. Again.
He didn't really enjoy that movie, and what with Yugi's random quotations and sudden bursts of the moonwalk, it was getting really annoying.
Yugi stuck his head up. "Hi Starfish!" he said brightly, his mood changing instantly.
"I guess the dancing made a difference..." said Yami awkwardly, handing him the belt. "Starfish?" he thought, starting to think Yugi's random quotations weren't so bad after all.
Yugi went starry-eyed. "Thanks!" He leaped up and hugged him.
Yami stammered unintelligibly. "Um....um...ah....eee....um.....er.... modem?" he said finally, immediately giving himself a mental beating after he spoke.
Yugi looked stunned. "How do you think on that level?"
Yami stared. "What?" he asked.
"How can you sum up things with one word that has nothing to do with the subject? It's just... wow." said Yugi.
"... Right. Yes. Okay." said Yami, now confused.
IN AN UNEXPLORED LOCATION (HUZZAH!)....
Jou struggled with his wardrobe. It wouldn't open! It was stuck! STUCK! STUCK DAMMITT!
The cockroaches ran around in a big menacing group, singing about Jou's apartment. :)
"SHUT UP!" yelled Jou, throwing a armchair at them. They all screamed and scattered.
Jou turned his attention back to the wardrobe. Why? Why? WHY?!
"Okay, think. Remember what the counselor said, DON'T PANIC. Think. How can I get- CHAINSAW!" he cried, thinking of his plan.
He ran off, and all the cockroaches glanced anxiously around, looking for a way out.
Finally, the glorious time of six-thirty came along. And Seto was excited. Everyone else was thinking, "Food." above all else.
Except for Yami, who was thinking about Yugi, and things that I can't go into here, lest I traumatize the little kiddies.
Seto waited anxiously for the doorbell to ring. And suddenly-
DING-
Seto jumped up, waiting for the DONG.
Which took fifteen minutes.
"WHAT'S TAKING IT SO LONG!?" yelled Seto at the five minute mark.
Meanwhile, on the doorstep, Yami was wishing he'd brought a jacket.
"Cheezels, it's FREEZING!" he yelled.
"You just noticed now?" asked Yugi.
"I didn't know it was gonna be THIS cold..." whined Yami, which was a surprise, because Yami NEVER, EVER whined.
"Yes, well maybe you should THINK before you leave the house on a winter's night wearing..." Yugi paused, looking at his outfit. "Leather pants that... are... really clingy... and a... black-"
He was interrupted as it started raining on Yami for no particular reason. "ARGH!" he screamed, shivering.
So Yami froze for about ten more minutes, until-
-DONG!
Seto opened the door.
"Hi Seto!" said Yugi.
Yami couldn't speak because his teeth were chattering, and he was shivering uncontrollably. Yugi began worrying when his lips started turning blue, and quickly rushed him inside.
"Cheezels...." whispered Yami, icicles forming on his hair and eyelashes.
"Um, Seto, is there a fire anywhere?" asked Yugi nervously.
"Why, certainly. Come along Yami." said Seto, walking away. Yami followed him, shaking and babbling quietly about Cheezels.
THREE MINUTES LATER....
Yami walked out, scorched, but in some mystical way, his outfit managed to stay perfect. "Well, I nearly perished in a fireball," he said optimistically. "But at least I'm not cold anymore!" he continued brightly.
"Are you sure you're not dying!?" panicked Yugi, noting the scorch marks.
"No, I'm okay now." said Yami. He ran up the wall, across the ceiling and came back down the other side. "See?" he called, having to raise his voice as the room was so long.
Seto stared at him while he was coming back. "You're wearing a skivvy." he pointed out.
Yami blinked, then tugged at the high neck of his skivy. "So? Skivvies are back."
Yugi grinned animatedly and sang, "SKIVVIES! ARE! BAAAAACK!"
DING-DONG!
"It wasn't retarded that time!" exclaimed Seto, running for the door.
"Hi." said Anzu's voice.
Yami nearly threw a fit when he saw the puppy-dog look go into Yugi's eyes. He slumped into a chair and sulked as Yugi completely ignored him and went to talk to Anzu.
Damn, he wished he was in danger of contracting hypothermia again.
The truth was, Yami just wanted attention, but no one paid him that kind of attention. No, because he was too dignified and evil! Well, he had feelings too! Just because he built up a big wall round himself, doesn't mean everyone had to ignore the fact that they could go in with the battering rams and knock it down. But no one ever thought of this, because they're all to busy with themselves, the selfish toolbags! Well, maybe once in a while he'd like to talk to real people instead of the coffee table, because, let's face it, that was the only thing that ever paid him attention! Maybe he would be better off dead! Then they would all feel bad about the fact that they ignored him, and would have to live with the fact that the last thing they ever said to him was, ".....".
Yami sulked a lot whenever Anzu was around. Much like Yugi was jubilant whenever she was around. Little did they know, she wasn't going to be around much longer.
DING-DONG!
Well, it seemed like people were arriving very fast now.
And plus, the doorknob wasn't as retarded anymore! Bonus!
Seto opened the door, and in stepped Jou, looking like the chainsaw idea had worked.
Seeing that Yami was all alone, and SULKING AGAIN, he walked over.
To which Yami simply held up a sign with a picture of a nutcracker on it that said, "SPEAK AND YOU'LL LIVE TO REGRET IT".
To which Jou walked away thinking that someone needed to lighten up, or else the world might explode.
Yami was just in the process of thinking, "Damn, I have such a good laugh," when the bunny-shaped fireballs flew in, and skimmed over his head, causing him to yell in horror and dive under the table.
THREE SECONDS AND A PILE OF ASHES LATER...
"She's DEAD!" screamed Yugi.
Yami stuck his head out from under the table. His eyes widened in disbelief as he surveyed the pile of ashes where Anzu had been standing.
Yugi whirled around. "SOMEONE DO SOMETHING!" he yelled.
There was silence, until Yami took out a nail file and began filing his nails. "Oh, please, Re, no." he said blankly, making it obvious his nails were the object of his attention.
Yugi glared at him. "It's not funny! She just died and now- ah, screw it, I'll get over it..." he said.
Seto blinked. "Weevil just rang and said he was gonna be a bit late." he said.
"Wow." replied Yugi, while Yami's head snapped up. "WEEVIL UNDERWOOD!?" he yelled, and Seto nodded. "Not the same weed-addicted, blue-green-haired, wannabe evil Weevil Underwood!?"
"Yep." repiled Seto.
"The horror." said Yami, sitting down once again. "Are those M&M's I see?" he asked, eyebrows vanishing into his hair.
"No, they're Skittles." said Jou, taking one and eating it. Yami pulled a face. "Skittles are feral." he said.
He paused. "Unless they're sour. Then they're good."
Jou's face screwed up, registering an expression of pain. "Sour Skittles they be." he said, struggling to talk.
Yami's eyes lit up. "Huzzah!" he said, grabbing a handful.
"Huzzah?" asked Yugi. "You don't say 'huzzah'."
"Well, I thought I might try it..." said Yami, going all cute and sulky.
"Oh, no, don't sulk." said Yugi quickly, remembering that when Yami sulked, out came the nutcracker.
"Okay." said Yami, brightening up again.
Especially because the cleaning guy had come in with a broom and was sweeping Anzu's ashes into a trash can.
Yami laughed inwardly at this. "Trash can..." he thought.
Yugi looked at him. "What's the joke?" he asked, noting the smile on Yami's face.
Yami blinked. "Ah... well..." he thought for a few seconds. "These three women all die at the same time, and they go to heaven..."
DING-DONG!
Seto ran out of the kitchen at a hundred miles per hour and opened the door. "HI MAI!" he yelled.
"... Hi?" said Mai, moving away from him.
"How ya going?!"
"... Same as always." said Mai at length.
"That's great! Anzu just died, and that's a problem but no one has to know about it!"
"Uh, but-" she said, pointing at the readers.
"I said, no one has to know about it!" hissed Seto.
"O.... kay...." said Mai, backing away slowly, remembering to smile, till she found herself at the table and sat down.
"... and the guy goes, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck."" finished Yami. "Hi Mai." he said, as Jou and Yugi cracked up.
"Damn, I good." thought Yami.
"Hi everyone." said Mai.
Yugi, who had felt safer to be on the ground in his laughter, climbed back up on his chair. "Hello!" he said brightly.
Yami seemed to be wagering a mental battle against himself, then shrugged and sneakily put an arm around Yugi's shoulders, and Yugi turned and looked at him in disbelief. Then he smiled a little bit, and put his arm around his waist.
Yami was, not just joyous, but JOYOUS! So very JOYOUS! OVER THE MOON, in fact. ELATED, even. ESTATIC! JUBILANT!... That's enough adjectives. We all get the point - he's happy, okay!?
So be happy for him, because his world's gonna come crashing down in a few seconds. Then it's gonna climb its way back up. Then it will probably crash down again, and it MAY work itself back up, we'll all have to see.
DING-DONG!
Seto again ran from the kitchen to open the door, and there stood Honda.
Yugi jumped up and went over to say hi. This caused him to leave Yami's side.
Yami was no longer JOYOUS, ESTATIC, or any other of the aforesaid adjectives. More like really pissed off with murderous thoughts running through his head, running through his head, running through his head. (A/N: t.A.T.u :D)
He made a mental note to kill Honda slowly and painfully later on, during the night, when all was dark and no one could hear him scream...
Or at least tie him to a chair, gag him and shut him in a dark room with and play the CD format of Stephen King's Christine, or maybe IT, or 'Salem's Lot, or Nightshift on a Discman, and let an overactive imagination do its work.
Yami smacked his forehead, remembering that Honda didn't HAVE an imagination.
"Oh, well. I guess I'll have to find another way to repay him." thought Yami, laughing evilly in his throat.
Mai and Jou looked at him. "Mental." said Mai.
"Nutcase." agreed Jou.
"Fruitcake." put in Yami. "Hey, wait..."
Yugi and Honda approached the table, but alas! There was only one remaining seat!
Everyone stared at the lone chair.
"Okay," said Jou. "Someone's gonna have to stand up, obviously."
"They'll get tired legs." jumped in Yami, a plan forming in his mind.
Yugi looked quizzically at Yami, who just smiled.
Then it hit Yugi like a huge gush of water knocking him into the ocean (causing him to drown because he broke Rule #245 - NEVER go swimming alone) - Yami had an evil little plan behind those seemingly genuinely concerned eyes. And Yugi knew perfectly well what it was. (Well, he THOUGHT he did... little did he know, it was serious...). And it seemed fun.
Yugi gave Yami an uncharacteristic smirk, which, coincidentally, everyone saw.
And now they thought, "Just what the Cheezels is going on with those two?"
Except for Honda, who thought something along the lines of, "STRAWBERRY PIE."
Yami studied the look on Yugi's face, and grinned evilly, nodding.
Suddenly, the doorbell rang, and Yami groaned, and whacked his head on the table.
"It's heeeeerrrre...." he said in a sing-song voice.
Strangely enough, Seto didn't come running out this time.
Yugi turned to Honda. "You can have that chair." he said, making his way over to Yami and climbing into his lap.
Now everyone was scared. "Meep."
"Um... Yami... Yugi..." said Jou.
The doorbell rang again, and continued being pressed relentlessly.
"SOMEONE GET THE DOOR!" yelled Seto.
Everyone looked at each other.
"Yugi, why don't you go?" asked Jou.
Yugi stared. "How about no?" he repiled.
"Don't expect me to go... I'm... well..." said Yami, still grinning evilly, gesturing at Yugi and putting his arms around his waist. Everyone thought this a little bit too open, but decided to ignore it, as they were young... and... ignorant of sin... and free... and loving life... and did what they want... and didn't care what anyone thought, damn the brats!
There was silence, and everyone looked at each other.
Mai stood up. "I'll do it." she sighed.
Everyone sighed in relief as she made her to the front door and opened it.
"Hello Weevil." she said.
"What took you?" said Weevil, and Yami perked up as he noticed that his lips were blue.
"Aha, he nearly died." he thought, then settled into depression as he realised what a big opportunity had been missed.
Weevil eyed the table as Mai sat down. "Where am I gonna sit?" he asked in his annoying voice. He looked suddenly at Yami and Yugi, as if something had just clicked. "Uh..." he said.
"What?" demanded Yami. "You've never seen a guy sitting in another guy's lap before?"
He snickered inwardly as Weevil looked very scared indeed. "Uh, well..." he trailed off.
"Damn homophobe." he thought, then smirked.
He was going to have a lot of fun tonight....
END CHAPTER 1
Mali: It wasn't that sucky, was it?
Yami: Ah... well....
Yugi: At least you tried...
Yami: ... Yeah, I guess that's the main thing...
Mali: ... Do you think more characters would help?
Yugi: It really would be for the best to put the poor fic out of its misery.
Mali: ... I see.
Yugi: Good.
Mali: Wait, no, I don't.
Yugi: Well, ya see, in this world, there are good writers, and not-so-good writers, and-
Yami: Shut up. The people want to leave.
Mali: Yes, well, we'll just let THEM say if they want me to continue.
Yami: You're just delaying the inevitable...