"Is it just me or does Kira Tsubasa need to tone down on her winking?"
They were browsing for feedbacks on their latest music video posted on the internet, when one specific comment stood out among all others. 127 Likes and 39 replies.
"she went from 0 to a -10. lol honestly it was creeping me out _"
"I mean, she's kinda flat and she's got nothing else going on for her unlike that Anju chick..."
"WILL WE EVER SEE HER BLINK WITH BOTH hER EYES?! THE MYSTERY! 0_0"
"Maybe she thinks she's hot. I'm more into Erena. would def bang her."
"I bet she's compensating for her big forehead. dear, it just ain't working"
They were used to negative "criticism" from the audience. But this was the first time that a comment had touched a rather personal subject. There was a dead silence as they read the comments. The atmosphere visibly tense. Tsubasa dazedly reads each and every one of them. Scrolling viciously as her eyes speeds across all the words. However, before she could move past to the next one, the laptop was immediately closed off.
She barely had enough time to be startled when she felt both her friends' hand on either side of her shoulders. Anju was squeezing her left sharply in an act of comfort while Erena had just gently placed her hand above it as she shook her head.
"Ignore them Tsubasa. It is not a matter of improtance to read every ignorant criticism posted in the internet." said Erena. Her tone was sharp but her eyes were clearly comforting.
Anju narrowed her eyes at Erena warningly. "What Erena was trying to say, not everyone who comments in the internet is warranted to be taken seriously. Most of them are just highly injustifiable opinions of subjective proclamations."
Tsubasa argues that their whole idea, this stardom of school idols, is precisely based on this subjectivity. The play of emotions- of making people smile and excited.
"You mean a play of creating more things to jack off to." Erena mutters bitterly.
"Erena!" Anju slaps the girl's arm.
"Look Tsubasa," Erena says while rubbing her offended arm "the people who troll on these boards are the same people who lives in their one-bedroom apartment, still single at the age of 32, and collects naked dakimakura pillows of underaged schoolgirls."
Tsubasa raises a brow. Because are they seriously judging their captive audience for this?
This earns another slap from Anju. "Erena, stop talking. You're making it worse."
A stern glare from Anju made Erena purse her lips. Tsubasa gives Erena a small smile. She knows it's the girl's way of comforting her. Because under the girl's cold exterior, is the overbearing concern of a protective friend. Erena has never been much for words, her literary excellence is limited to lyrical compositioin. Social exchanges are of an awkward discomfort for her, so she tends to have no tact whatsoever in stringing up words delicately, especially when she's angry.
Erena's eyes soften at her teary smile. This elicited a group hug. Anju had kissed the side of her head, right next to her left eye, before wrapping both of them in her arms. Erena had done the same, sandwiching her in the middle.
They had prepared for this. They had talked about this before going into the idol business. They expected to be objecified, judged, gossiped over, and be subject to each and every backlash with their work. They expected that making people happy is contiguous to being subject to scruinity.
She just never prepared for how much it would hurt. Mentally, she knew that it was a matter of time that people would notice. People hate anything out of their space of normalcy after all. But emotionally, she could not have been ready for this. It is a surprise how people she barely know -people she never even met, would be able to dig up a childhood trauma so deeply buried in her past.
In the end, Anju and Erena decided on making a new song in dedication to that specific comment. Tsubasa could only listen to their plans with wide eyes as their back and forth was becoming too fast for her.
Her friends' enraged passion toned down when they noticed her hesitance and they finally asked for her opinion. She doesn't know if she should feel offended or happy for their awful idea, but she decided that their actions bear no ill intent and was bourne from their love for her. She relents, knowing that she was going to regret it in one way or another. This gains her another round of hugs and an energetic war cry from Erena.
This was how Wink Wink Revolution was born. The music was their usual style -upbeat and catchy, with repetitive rhythm. Costumes were cute and stylish, thanks to Anju. The lyrics were great thanks to Erena dedicatedly working on them all weekend. And the choreography, the choreography contained a lot of winking from all of A-Rise members.
Tsubasa had told them it wasn't necessary but both her friends had insisted that it was just appropriate. "For heaven's sake Kira, the title of the song is Wink Wink fucking Revolution." Erena had so eloquently argued.
Suprisingly, the media and the audience took it well. They bacame more popular than ever. Gossip articles go around the internet about the story behind her excessive winking and how these schoolgirls took advantage of it and decided to capitalize on that. The fans loved it so much that they trended for weeks on twitter and images of her winking circulated the boards as a much used meme. Never mind their music and dance routine that they worked so hard on. Though thankfully, the small percentage of their well meaning fans genuinely liked their music.
Dare she say, Wink Wink Revolution is a large contributing factor to their fame. The unwanted clamor had died down when they released new music and videos unrelated to that single.
She has never been more thankful of her friends for having her back and sharing their support. She'd gained back a lot of confidence in herself and in her body after that success.
She was never too optimistic though. She expected much negative feedback as usual and it never hit her as hard as it had, now knowing not to take them too seriously.
She never expected that this same insecurity would pose for a larger problem.
She likes Honoka.
She likes Honoka a lot.
She didn't know at first of course. She never cared much about stuff of the sort. At the beginning she thought she was just becoming a casual fan of Muse. But after being able to spot Honoka in the sea of the masses, she knew that she felt differently.
Later after their first meeting and in the comfort of their clubroom, Erena had commented on it. "You couldn't have been any gayer, Tsubasa. Congratulations, you have exceeded my expectations."
Tsubasa coughs out her tea as Anju pats her back.
"Erena, will you stop with this baseless conjecture of Tsubasa having a crush on Kousaka-san?" Anju's glare was menacing, but this time, Erena doesn't back down.
"But babe! How is spotting this one girl in the fucking crowd baseless? Much less holding said girl's hand and taking her somewhere to some sort of secret rendezvous? If anything, Tsubasa should be toning down her gay because I was fighting the urge to barf out all my lunch with how much she'd been complimenting that Honoka girl."
Tsubasa could only stare at her friends with wide eyes.
Erena's right. Oh my god Erena's right. What should she do? Should she send her flowers and love letters telling her how she feels? Should she go to Otonokizaka and declare her undying love for Honoka? She had unwittingly voiced such qualms to her friends in a panic daze.
Erena had grabbed both her shoulders and looked her straight in her eye.
"That, is something you definitely shouldn't do." Erena shakes her head. "Do you want to cause a fucking scandal? Because that's how you cause a goddamn scandal, Kira."
Anju gently pushes Erena off Tsubasa, a hand rubbing at her temples. "What Erena is trying to say, It wouldn't be wise for an idol to be in a relationship and be publicly open with it." Anju said kindly.
"Besides," the motherly girl continued "Muse might not take it well if you start wooing their leader when the preliminaries for Love Live are coming up." she supplied.
"Oh right, they might take your good natured gayness as a strategic maneuver to take them down or whatever. By the way, I think that girl with the long hair, Umi was it? She's kinda scary. I kept feeling intimidated by her even when she's just sitting there. Maybe it's her aura? Like a take no shit, eat no shit kinda thing?" Erena scratched her head thoughtfully.
"Hmm, I think she's fine." Anju hummed.
"She's the one you should watch out for Tsubasa, if you're ever gonna want to be involved with that Honoka girl." Erena advised.
"She's hot though. And she's much more appealing in person. Her legs are so long and slender too." Anju continued with her thoughtful appreciation.
"Wha?! Anju? What are you saying?!"
Tsubasa tuned her friends out. They were right. They still have the preliminaries to prepare for. They can't risk any distractions. Honoka will have to wait.
They lost the final preliminaries.
She's ashamed to think that she feels a little relieved that it's finally over.
The pressure of winning has been on their backs the whole time. Everybody expects them to win because they're A-Rise. She knows that it's the support from their fans, but she just can't stop thinking of disappointing them.
And now, the inevitable has come. She had known this to come when she had given Muse the opportunity to perform on the UTX stage. Maybe being too kind to the enemy isn't a good tactic. But she honestly doesn't know what she was thinking then. Maybe she had just wanted to show off to Honoka and show Muse how much of a bigger person she is.
She shouldn't have been overconfident. She wouldn't have expected Muse to come out with a new song, much less a love song. She should have given their performance more thought instead of doing a repeat of the Shocking Party dance.
They were devastated. But Anju and Erena told her that she was not to blame. That nobody is to blame and that they had done their best during the preliminaries.
She felt bad. She felt bad because she felt so relieved.
But she just can't sit idly and dawdle on the past without getting her answers.
Her feet had taken her to Otonokizaka before Anju and Erena could stop her.
When she saw Honoka again, her heart pounded like crazy. The walk across the street felt like it took forever with the girl's watchful eye on her every step. She had almost forgotten about Sonoda and Minami who were with her when she had asked to talk to her privately.
She didn't grab Honoka's hand this time. It would be injustifiable without the risk of a crowd flocking them anyway. But her hand twitched all the way to the park, itching to just touch the girl.
Honoka hadn't been able to give her a straight answer. But she had a feeling that she would sooner find out and it wouldn't even surprise her.
The meeting would have ended on an amicable note if she hadn't -as Erena would say- royally fucked up.
"Tsubasa, why the fuck is Muse causing a scene in the courtyard?"
Erena was exaggerating again. They were not causing a scene, Tsubasa argues. People are just naturally drawn to them. All they're doing is standing in front of the gates. The only people standing there were all three of the Muse's second years. One of which Tsubasa would very much like to avoid. Okay, maybe two of them, since Sonoda looks like she's out to kill someone.
"That didn't answer my question, Kira." Erena's stern eyes turned wide when realization hits her.
"Oh my God. Yesterday. What the hell did you do yesterday? Answer me Kira!"
She may or may not have asked Honoka out after their conversation. And Honoka may have taken it as a joke. And Tsubasa definitely did not aggressively proclaim her admiration for the girl to prove her honest feelings. Finally, Honoka definitely DID NOT run away from her, leaving her in a stupefied daze, alone, in the park. Until Anju had called her to ask if she was okay and just then had she gone home.
"Oh my God. You're an idiot. Anju! She's an idiot!" Erena was clearly panicking.
"Now now Erena, deep breaths honey, deep breaths." Erena visibly calmed down after taking large, exaggerated gulps of breaths.
"Maybe they just want to talk. It looks like they're waiting for us. Let's go and greet them."
Anju, ever the most level-headed one in the group, lead the trio to their clubroom instead of the school's cafe, away from any prying eyes.
Tea was served by Erena and Sonoda had thanked her politely.
"It's surprising for us to get visitors, much less a visit from the original Muse themselves. To what do we owe the pleasure?" Erena said in her sickeningly cool voice.
"I want to be frank Kira-san." Sonoda started. Minami on her right was looking worried at the situation. While Honoka on her left was looking at everything else that isn't Tsubasa.
"What are your true intentions with Honoka?" the stern Sonoda demanded.
Tsubasa bit her tongue on the impulse of defending Honoka as her own woman who can make her own decisions without the need to consult the help of her friends if she chooses to. But her second instinct told her to gain Sonoda's approval. Becoming her friend's friend is the first step after all.
Honoka had finally looked at her then. Those piercing blue eyes made her blink back the shock she has of having the girl's full attention. It may just have been her imagination, but Honoka's cheeks got redder and Sonoda had narrowed her eyes sharply at her. She ignored the chill on her spine and answered as smoothly as she can.
Her intentions were nothing but to take her out on a date. She relayed everything she had told Honoka at the park to her friends and swore with honesty that her feelings were of genuine admiration and awe of the girl ever since she had first laid eyes on her.
"Ts-tsubasa-san" Honoka was too flustered to say anything else. Minami was beaming at her and she doesn't know if it's a good thing since Sonoda doesn't seem to get tired of frowning at her.
Minami placed a hand on Sonoda's shoulder. A beat and a sigh.
"I'm sorry," Sonoda's cold stare finally turns apologetic "I really was doubtful of your intentions, suddenly coming out to Honoka like that."
Erena had subtly choked at her tea beside Anju. The girl no doubt itching to make a gay pun.
Sonoda raised a brow but continued. "But now I know you're being serious." She turned to Honoka, who was still a little flustered but very much paying attention to their exchange.
"What do you think, Honoka?" Sonoda asks with a kind smile.
When Honoka finally gave her a concrete answer after spluttering for a good while,Tsubasa had never felt more happy.
The first few dates were awkward. It was not because of lack of conversation or lack of similar interests. But because on the first date, she had seen Sonoda-san and Minami-san spying on them at the far end of the restaurant. Honoka had also noticed. Tsubasa would have done the romantic thing and whisk her away but she decided that she shouldn't provoke Sonoda's wrath so early in the relationship.
On the second date, Sonoda had some other company. Nico, Eli, and Nozomi were with her. They were all being sketchy that they were starting to catch other people's attention. Well, Sonoda and Nico were. Eli and Nozomi seemed to be having a date on their own and had left earlier.
On the third, they were thankfully left alone. Well, most of the time. The first year trio came to check up on them but had decided that nothing too interesting was going on so they left immediately.
"Man, those Muse are some other level of overprotective." Erena had commented after Tsubasa had told her about her dates.
"Says the person who wore a disguise and followed them all the way home on their first date." Anju helpfully supplied.
Tsubasa gave her an awed look that is bordering between creeped out and demeening.
"H-hey! it was only on the first date! I was just worried!"
They had gone to the amusement park on their fourth date. She and Honoka had a lot of fun. And she had the pleasure of showing off her shooting skills that won her a huge bear that she gave to Honoka. She had delightfully received a kiss on the cheek for that, and she had been giddy ever since.
Once the evening was coming to an end, heavy rain suddenly poured over them. Tsubasa's apartment was thankfully close by as they ran home without their umbrellas.
Unsurprisingly, Sonoda-san had called while Honoka was in the shower. She picked up immediately, not wanting the other girl to think that something has happened.
"Honoka? Are you okay? Did she do anything to you? Should I prepare my sword?"
Tsubasa calmly answered all of Sonoda's questions. She informed the girl that it would be best for Honoka to stay over tonight since there was no other way to get home in the hard rain.
A huff was heard through the line. "Fine, but I'll be over first thing in the morning tomorrow. Don't you dare think of t-touching her inappropriately or I swea- Umi-chan!" The line cut off and she let out a tired sigh.
They had watched movies on her couch all night. Honoka had snuggled up against her beneath the blankets and had fallen asleep just like that. Tsubasa brushed some hair out of Honoka's forehead. She couldn't help herself and kissed the other girl's closed eyes, her temple, her cheeks, and finally at the corner of her lips. Frustratingly, they still never had their first kiss. Mostly because they were under scruitiny in most of their dates.
She pulled the sleeping girl closer against her as she turned off the television. She kissed her hair one more time before deciding the best way to lift Honoka to the bed while not waking her.
Much to Tsubasa's dismay, Honoka woke up from all her fussing. Tsubasa apologized, taking the sleepy girl's hand and kissing it gently. Honoka, still half asleep, gave Tsubasa's lips a light peck before closing her eyes and settling back into the girl's chest.
And, there goes their first kiss, she thought, a warm feeling spreading to her chest.
"Sleep." Honoka mutters.
Tsubasa agrees and offers the girl to sleep on her bed while she can sleep on the couch.
Honoka shakes her head against her chest. And if Tsubasa had no self control, the girl would have been showered with kisses by now.
"No, here with me. G'night." Honoka spoke with such finality and even sealed it with a kiss on Tsubasa's neck.
Tsubasa couldn't possibly deny the girl of any more sleep. So she settles on the couch, with Honoka already asleep against her chest.
She was woken by kisses being peppered all over her face.
"Good morning!" Honoka's cheery attitude never fails to make her smile.
She returns the kisses with enthusiasm as she flipped their positions.
Honoka's giggles filled the room and she never felt so happy. So less lonely.
She pulled back when Honoka was gently pushing her to stop. She stared at the girl underneath her who was wearing her shirt, wearing her shorts, with hair down, and eyes a little teary from laughing. Her heart was going wild at how the happy girl looks so vulnerable underneath her right now.
She bit her lips hard and blinked back any frustrations she has.
"Huh"
Tsubasa was startled when Honoka lifted her hand to her face, thumb caressing her cheek, right below her eye.
"I've been meaning to ask, Tsubasa." Honoka moved her hand through Tsubasa's hair to get a better view of her face.
"Why do you wink so much?" Her heart dropped. Lead forming in her stomach.
She stutters, for once she felt like an 8-year-old girl again. She springs off the couch, her hand flies to cover her left eye as she runs to the bathroom.
She stared at herself in the mirror. Her prosthetic eye looking right at her. It's a wonder how it's as green as her real eye and how it can fool most people into thinking that she isn't impaired. It's not perfect though, sometimes, she can't fully close the eyelid because of the dryness.
Still, It's amazing. it's disgusting. She hates it.
She hates it.
Every time she looks at it, she was reminded of the accident, of her mother's death. (It's her fault. Her fault. Her Fault.)
She was reminded of her lonliness, of her father drifting away from her, of being singled out by the other kids when she had decided that she wants to take up judo when she was 11.
Everyone was horrified when her eye flew off on one particular match. Ever since then, no one wanted to have a match with the one-eyed freak. People are horrible. They pity you and categorize you. They isolate you, too afraid of coming near you because of your difference.
No one made fun of her though, her father's name still holds much influence after all. Still it hurt, not having friends for so long. Not knowing how to speak with anyone. Not being with anybody.
It wasn't until meeting Anju and Erena when she began to find the balance of her life. But still they had betrayed her and got together, unknowingly singling her out once again as the third wheel of their group. She's happy for them of course, they're happy together and they complement each other well. But she can't help feeling like she's once again, unwanted.
A knock on the door interrupts her internal dilemma.
"Tsubasa? Are you okay? I'm sorry if I offended you, I was just kidding, you know me." She heard a light laugh on the other side of the door.
Shit.
Honoka.
Sweet Honoka.
What will she think of her when she looks at her now? When Honoka sees her, will she see an ugly disfigured monster? Will she leave like everyone else?
She grips the edge of the sink. Gritting her teeth until her jaw ached.
"Tsubasa?" Honoka's voice was full of nothing but worry.
Tsubasa answers the girl that she'll be out in a minute, hoping that the girl would just leave her alone.
She hastily brushes her teeth and wipes any traces of tears on her face. Cursing her eye once again, as she routinely applies eye drop lubrication.
A deep breath, and she opens the door.
She had decided to make Honoka leave and entirely cut any ties with her. She's going to tell her that she doesn't ever want to see the girl again. That she's too annoyingly childish for her, and that she just didn't like her that much after all.
Sonoda Umi be damned. They can't hurt you if you hurt them first, right? It's the coward's way out, but right now, she is nothing but a coward.
When she saw the girl curled up on the couch, with her head resting on her knees and her arms wrapped around her legs, her resolve wavered. Just a little. She can't turn back now. She has to protect whatever pieces of her heart is left after all.
So she heartlessly told Honoka why they should break up.
The girl went from teary and wide-eyed to stoic. Tsubasa has noticed the slight cringe of her brows and the clench of her jaw that would have been missed by an untrained eye (She would know this because she had memorized every part of the girl's face last night).
Her finger twitched when she noticed Honoka's bangs had been covering her face. She wants to push them behind her ear as she had last night.
"Tsubasa" Honoka stood up and made her way closer to her.
When she was right in front of Tsubasa, she looked directly into the girl's eyes.
"You don't want to break up with me." She reached for Tsubasa's hand and placed it against her cheek. Closing her eyes as it came into contact.
The other girl could only look on helplessly. Honoka is dangerous when she's like this. She's so commanding, so sexy, and Tsubasa's so confused right now.
"You love me." Tsubasa had no idea if it would be medically possible for her face to pale and redden at the same time.
She pulls to remove her hand, her jaw clenching and her eyes narrowing. How conceited can a person be? How dare Honoka so definitively declare that Tsubasa's in love with her? Never mind that it's true, but when did she ever have the right to -
Honoka keeps a vice grip on her wrist to keep her from moving. "I know this, because I love you too."
The scary Honoka was gone after this heavy albeit simple admission. Her eyes tear up as she lets go of Tsubasa's wrist. "Or so I thought."
Honoka wraps her arms around herself tightly, clenching at her shirt. "You don't love me do you?"
Tsubasa could only look on. How had things turn out like this so fast?
"I'm sorry," Honoka wipes her tears and tries to hold in another wave "I thought being selfish like I did back then would get me what I want. But it ischildish isn't it? I only keep on thinking about myself. You hate me don't you?"
This is her chance. Honoka bought it. This should break things up between them.
Only, she had claimed to love her. Does she really though? Will she love her still when she finds out? Will she stay?
The doorbell was loud enough to break them out of their emotional bubble.
"That must be Umi. Don't worry, we'll leave quietly. I promise she won't bother you." Honoka sniffles and looks at Tsubasa for a long moment, as if expecting something to happen. She gave a choked sob but managed to hold it in and finally turned to leave.
"Honoka!" Tsubasa's arms are immediately around the girl's waist like a magnet.
A gasp from the teary-eyed girl.
She couldn't help reaching out to such a helpless Honoka. She's weak. She's Weak.
And she's going to get hurt. Honoka's going to hurt her. She will be cut open, left vulnerable and shattered into pieces.
"I love you" A kiss on the back of the girl's neck.
Tsubasa nuzzled into Honoka's neck.
"I'm sorry I made you cry. I just- I didn't want you to know." Tsubasa hid her face against the girl's shoulder.
"I love you too." Honoka pushed herself back, burying herself in Tsubasa's arms.
The little admission made Tsubasa's heart flutter for the hundredth time.
"Wait, what didn't you want me to know?" Her neck craned to meet the other girl's eyes. Sincere and full of love and worry.
Tsubasa took the risk. She took it. Because she loves her and Honoka loves her back. She has someone. She's not alone.
Tsubasa told her everything. Her eye, where she lost on an accident with her mother when she was 8. How she was afraid Honoka would leave her because of it. How she has been alone for so long and how she doesn't want to get hurt so she tried to break up with her.
Honoka listened. She didn't leave. Instead, she turned in her arms to face her. And kissed every tear off Tsubasa's face. Soon, every loving kiss was paired with a sweet declaration.
"I love you" a kiss on the cheek
"I love you" on the corner of her mouth
"I love you" at the tip of her nose
Finally, Honoka had kissed Tsubasa's left eyelid gently. Which left the other girl giggling.
"Can I kiss you now?" Tsubasa leaned into Honoka's lips as she asked.
She was answered with a deep kiss. Arms around her neck, fingers buried against her scalp, and legs wrapped around her hips.
She was about to move them to the couch when the door was unceremoniously opened.
"What the hell? Honoka! Where are you? I've been here for -" Umi stared at Tsubasa on top of Honoka on the couch.
"I-I-I told you not to touch her you demon! How dare you lay your hands on a child!"
"Umi-chan! This is not what it -"
"T-that's SHAMELESS!" Tsubasa had to admit, even with one eye, she saw death coming when a giant stuffed bear was single-handedly thrown to her head.