A/N: Making my contribution to the much needed Always Sunny fandom. Hope you guys like it, and I plan on writing more Mac/Dennis in the future.
Disclaimer: I do not own IASIP or any of its characters.
The Gang Gets Mac and Dennis Out of the Closet
"Wait, are you jealous?"
Dennis nearly spurted out his beer.
"What?" Dennis snapped, reaching for a napkin to wipe at his chin. Dee raised an eyebrow at him in return as she leaned against the bar counter with interest. "No! No, of course not! Why would you even say something like that?"
"Oh my god, you are so jealous! Just wait until Mac hears this!" Dee cackled, her hand slamming down against the counter to accompany her laughing fit. Dennis straightened up, glaring down at his sister with the most menacing expression he could muster. And, damn, was he menacing.
"You will not speak a word of this to Mac, you hear me?" He enunciated. "I am not jealous, because there is nothing to even be jealous about. It's completely normal for a grown- adult- man to do grown- adult- things, such as going to a dimly lit dinner with another grown man," Dennis said through gritted teeth.
"When you say it like that, you make it seem like a bad porno."
"Enough!" Dennis was not, not, not going to picture Mac in a porno. Not in the bar with his sister an arm's length away and in visible range of his twitching cock.
Anyways this situation was so not his fault. It all started when that douche-bag fitness trainer asked Mac out.
It was a Thursday afternoon around 2:16pm when Mac finally had enough. In Dennis' defense, it was Dee who told the final fat joke that made him snap. Dennis had only made three or four comments on Mac's diet that day. And he only called him 'Big Mac' six or seven times. So, really, it wasn't his fault when Mac smashed his beer to the ground.
"I've had a fucking 'nough!" Mac exclaimed with a hint of slur. Everyone in the bar went quiet, and the sly smile on Dee's face slowly slid off. Both Charlie and Frank had shut up. Even Mac looked surprised for a moment at having everyone's undivided attention for once, but he quickly recovered. "I'm going to go to the gym right now, and I'm going to get so ripped that when I come back you all will be drooling over my toned abs and rippling muscles. I'll be so skinny you'll forget every fat joke you've ever made, ever."
"I mean it!" Mac yelled when he received blank stares, before turning and leaving the bar with a slam of the door.
Dennis had kept busy for approximately 28 minutes before he finally texted Mac.
Hey, man, how's the gym?
He waited 14 more minutes with no response before he sent Mac another text.
You're not mad at me right?
Dennis didn't even pause after pressing 'send' to start on his next text.
Of course you're not mad at me. It's Dee's fault. Text me when you can, k?
Dennis slid his phone across the bar counter, out of reach, and grabbed a beer. He was popping the cap off when his phone buzzed and the screen lit up with 'MAC'. The beer was left forgotten as Dennis threw himself across the bar to grab his phone. Yes, it may have been over-dramatic, especially with the bruise now forming on his side, but for all he knew Mac could've been in danger.
Working with hot trainer. talk later.
"Aw, yeah, man!" Dennis shot a fist into the air before yelling out, "Hey, Charlie, Mac's working out with a hot chick!" He beamed at his phone with pride as if it was Mac itself. "Sports bras and booty shorts? Shit, man, Mac scored." Dennis grinned as his fingers rapidly tapped a response.
What's her name?
Mac didn't respond, and Dennis shrugged it off with a remnant of a grin. An hour and a half later, Mac still hadn't texted back, and Dennis refused to acknowledge that he was sulking. Three hours without a word from Mac and Dennis was pacing around the room, earning him irritated scowls from not only customers, but also Dee, Charlie, and Frank.
"Oh, will you just sit your ass down?" Dee snapped, her fingers drumming against the glossy counter. Dennis shot her a glare, but slowed his pace.
"Mac's fine. He's probably banging her as we speak," Frank supplied, his eyes following Dennis' path.
"Yeah, you said yourself that he was working out with a hot babe," Charlie said. Dennis stopped, giving Charlie a scrutinizing stare.
"Charlie, just shut up, alright?" Charlie's jaw tightened as he nodded. "I'm just kind of worried, okay?" Dennis confessed, running a quick hand through his hair. "He usually calls, and I don't want some stuck-up health freak taking advantage of him."
"You think a chick is going to take advantage of Mac?"
"Well, you know what, Frank? There's a first time for everything, and I am not going to have some flat-chested muscle machine taking his Played-Over card," Dennis growled as he pushed his phone into his pocket and started heading for the door.
"The hell are you talking about?" Dee asked to his back.
Fuck them, he'll just save Mac by himself.
Dennis shut the door like an echo of Mac's slam.
Dennis couldn't imagine Mac staying at the gym for three hours. Mac hated exercising. Whenever he said he was going to finally do it- finally go and lose all of that flab in his stomach- he spent all of an excruciatingly humiliating 20 minutes at the fitness center before eating his feelings at the Chinese place across the street. Yet, Dennis didn't have any other leads as to where he could be, and maybe someone has seen-
Wow, Dennis should remind himself later to become a bounty hunter, because he is really damn good at finding people.
Dennis was just walking past the clear windows of the gym showcasing their sweaty and used exercise equipment when he spotted an equally as sweaty but not quite as used Mac at the weights. Naturally, he was pretty excited until he noticed the trainer. She was hot, except for the fact that she was actually a 6'4 tall, toned muscled and evenly bronzed man. And, see, in any other case Dennis would have left it be. He would have relinquished the pretty girl to the guy, because although Dennis is attractive even he knows he can't compete to a man like that. But, Mac isn't a pretty girl, so the rules don't really apply do they?
The doors slid apart almost fearfully, Dennis liked to note, as he strode in with determination. He had a plan, and although he wasn't entirely sure what it was yet, he figured he could always rely on his great improv skills.
"Excuse me, sir, you have to check in before entering."
Shit, Step 1: Intimidate Everyone to Get Out of Your Way apparently only works on glass doors. Dennis turned and flashed the clerk one of his winning smiles.
"I must have left my card at home, if you just let me through this one time..." Dennis pouted at the clerk and gazed at her under his long, blinking eyelashes. She unbelievably seemed unfazed by his charm.
"I'm sorry but you need to prove your membership to enter," the clerk's face lit with realization, "Oh! If you'd like, I could search your membership under your phone number." She moved around to a desk and behind a desktop computer, fingers tapping unnecessarily loud on the keys as she typed. "Could I have your last name and phone number, please?"
Now, Dennis isn't one to stutter, so the faltering speech coming out of his mouth was entirely strategic. Saying his last name and phone number were identical to Mac's was entirely not.
"Um," She chewed on her bottom lip as her brow furrowed, "Could you wait here, please?" The clerk disappeared around the corner and Dennis stood there for a good three minutes sitting on the desk before he got impatient. He followed where she had turned around the corner, and immediately spotted the flushed face of Mac, gesticulating furiously to the clerk, and the fitness trainer looking flustered by his side.
"Is there a problem?" Dennis asked as he approached the clerk, but kept his eyes on the trainer.
"Dennis, what the hell are you doing?' Mac snapped, and Dennis was actually taken aback by how angry he sounded.
"'Dennis'? So, you used this man's identity in hopes of getting into the fitness center?" The clerk huffed, her manicured nails digging into her hips where her hands laid.
"Listen, just give me a moment with my friend here, okay? Then I'll leave." The clerk looked irritated, but rolled her eyes and left nonetheless.
"Mac, you weren't texting me so I came to check on you," Dennis eyed the trainer up and down, "I didn't think you would still be here, though."
"Mike here-" Mike? What a douche name. "- offered me a private lesson for free, so of course I'm taking him up on that."
"Well you've been here long enough. Come on, let's head back to the bar and grab a few beers," Dennis reached for his arm, but Mac pulled away. Mike the Douchebag took that as a sign that he should interject.
"Actually, I've assigned Mac onto a healthier diet, so he should be staying away from beer." Dennis burst out laughing, moving to pat Mike heartily on the shoulder as he doubled over.
"Oh, man, that is good," Mike raised an eyebrow at him, "Mac would never agree to a beer-less diet. Scratch that, Mac would never agree to any diet. That's like taking away an American's rights. You don't take away a man's burgers and beers, Mikey, that's just unethical." The bastard dared to smile at that.
"That's weird, because Mac here agreed to going to this nice vegan restaurant three blocks down from here with me tonight."
Oh, god, the smug look on his face made Dennis want to puke all over the guy's Nikes.
"Really, Mac? You're going to dinner with this guy?"
"Yeah, dude, I am, and if you got a problem with it then consider sticking it up your ass instead."
Nope, Dennis was not even going to begin on that.
"You know what? Do what you want, I don't care!" Dennis threw his hands, "I'll be the mature one here," He tried to disregard the flash of disappointment on Mac's face as he stormed out of the gym, promptly flicking off the clerk with a sickeningly sweet smile.
That's why, 45 minutes later, Dennis is at Paddy's nursing a beer and shielding his mind from his sister's nasty thoughts. I mean, come on, Mac's her friend, Dee shouldn't be imagining him naked and writhing in pornography. Dennis is only allowed to because Mac's his best friend.
"Sheesh, alright, alright, I'll try not to instigate your gay thoughts," Dee said in response to his outburst, her hands raised in defense.
"I should call him," Dennis said after chugging down the rest of his beer.
"No, you really shouldn't," Dee took the bottle out of his hand, "You'd just be interrupting his date."
"If by date you mean a platonic-"
"Oh my god, Dennis, it's a date, okay?" Dee clamored, then paused, "Does this have to do with Mac being gay? Do you have a problem with him liking dicks?"
"First of all, Mac is not gay. He just happens to like dicks as well as boobs, and second of all, I am offended that you mistake me for a homophobic man. Which I am definitely not."
"Right, right. So, you're not jealous and you're not a bigot," Dennis nodded, "Then what's your problem?"
"I don't have a problem, Dee!" He hesitated, "But if Mac is going to be gay for a guy, it should be for a guy that isn't a total douchebag. You know, a classy, handsome, intelligent, and charming guy." Dee snorted at him.
"Are you kidding me? No classy, charming guy in their right mind would go out with Mac!" Dennis considered this for a moment.
"You're right; we don't have nearly enough time to find a classy guy, so I'll have to do the job."
"What? What job? Dennis I swear-"
"Dee, relax. I'm just going to go to the restaurant, order a beer, maybe say hi, and maybe show Mac a little bit of what he's missing," Dennis felt his face heat up the tiniest amount, "If he, you know, went out with any classy guy. I'm just an example of classy etiquette."
"Dennis I really think you need to rethink this plan-"
"Dee! Mac is your friend, too, you should care whether or not he get's played over by a douchebag."
"Except Mac isn't getting played-"
"Okay, obviously you aren't listening to me, so I'm not going to waste my time here with you," Dennis pointed at her, "Instead, I'm going to prove you wrong. I'm going to get Mac back."
So, the vegan restaurant actually had proper lighting, and from what Dennis saw from his position near the front door, they had a bar, too.
"I'm just going to have a beer," Dennis told the hostess, nodding towards the bar, but she hardly acknowledged him as she beckoned the next couple to the hostess podium.
"What can I get you?" Dennis waved off the bartender's question, choosing instead to lean his back against a stool and look for Mac. Eventually he spotted Mac and Mike the Douchebag sitting by a window, with two glasses of water and salads between them. Dennis nearly gagged right there. That douchebag Mike clearly wanted to get in Mac's pants, but Mac was too busy cracking up over some hilarious story Mike must have told that he didn't even notice. But Dennis noticed. Oh, did he notice.
"Hey, man, you can stop eyeing him up. Mac's not gay," Dennis spat as he approached their table. Impulse was always his best tactic, anyways.
"Dennis? What the fucking hell, man?" Mac stood up, knocking his chair back. The table shook with his abrupt stand, and Mike quickly leaned forward to stop the glass of water from falling. Mike gave an apologetic smile to the couple sitting at the table next to them, who were watching Mac and Dennis warily.
"Mac, you realize this is a date, right? As in, this douchebag sweetening you up like Thanksgiving dinner, just so he can go pound into your ass later tonight kind of date." Mike looked horrified at that.
"Dude, who do you think I-" Mike began, but Dennis would be crazy to let the douchebag finish his sentence.
"Mike, no one cares, alright? Go find some other guy to stick your dick in. Mac happens to be my best friend, and I'm sure as hell not allowing you to have him," Dennis jabbed a finger into Mike's chest, lowering over him. Understanding dawned on Mike's face as if it was the fucking morning sun rising on the ocean shore.
"You sure he's your best friend?" Mike couldn't hold back his grin, and Dennis felt like punching him for probably the hundredth time that day.
"The hell are you implying?" Mac asked cautiously, and Dennis' fists tightened at his sides. Mike's grin faded into irritation.
"I'm implying that no bestfriend would be so jealous that he wouldn't even allow his friend to go on a date. Jesus," Mike groaned, realizing now with exasperation he has to be the guy who drags two friends out of the deep ass closet they are in. "You know what? Mac, you're an interesting guy, and I'm into you, but if you and this guy are a package deal, I just can't handle that." Mike took out his wallet and tossed a few bills onto the table before walking out.
"Douchebag," Dennis affirmed with an air of finality.
"Yeah, well, sometimes you can be a bit of a douche, too, dude," Mac responded absently as he gathered his sweatshirt and wallet.
"Dude, what are you talking about? I just saved you from an emotionally traumatizing - and may I add confidence killing- one-night stand! You should be thanking me not," Dennis flailed his hands at Mac, "sulking and acting like a teenage girl who got dumped on prom night." Mac scowled at him, and Dennis rubbed his eyes with the palms of his hands. "Sorry, bad analogy, but come on, man, quit acting so bitchy."
"Seriously, Dennis? You're asking me to quit acting so bitchy after that? Dude, I thought you didn't give a shit about people's sexuality."
Oh. Dennis understood the problem now.
"Ah, shit, that's what you're worrying about? Mac, you liking dicks doesn't bother me, alright?"
"Right."
"Was that sarcasm? Because really it doesn't matter to me." And shit, Mac wasn't buying it. Dennis really didn't want Mac to walk out on him again. He didn't want Mac to look at him in disgust every time he would tell a funny story, or to frown at him when they made eye contact at the bar. Dennis just didn't want Mac to be mad at him.
And impulse was always his best tactic.
So, that would make grabbing Mac's shoulders and spinning him around to smash their lips together completely tactical. Because him kissing another dude? Totally disproved any thoughts of him being homophobic.
Dennis really liking Mac and wanting to have kissed him for a long time was an unnecessary detail in the plan. The fact that Mac was kissing back? Very necessary.
"That was pretty sweet, man," Mac whispered against his lips when they split apart.
"Hell yeah it was," Dennis chuckled, "Want to take this back to the apartment?"
"Fuck yeah, I do."
Mac and Dennis walked home, hands bumping together until they finally entwined. And in the brisk, chill evening air, hand sweaty and holding Mac's, Dennis smiled and admitted, "Y'know, Mike wasn't actually that bad."