Committing to Win Chapter 1
I don't own SVU or the characters associated with SVU.
A/N: There have been quite a few requests for a sequel to "Fighting to Survive". While I am so grateful for the faithful readers who not only read FTS but encouraged me through each chapter, I am also aware of the desire to follow those characters through the healing process. I cannot say if I am capable of writing such a follow up, but for those readers I will at least attempt a few chapters. So as the saying goes...on the with the story.
Grace watched as Olivia made her way to the door. "How did you know? What made you go there, Benson?"
Olivia spoke without facing Grace. "Your eyes. You ever hear that phrase, eyes are the window to the soul? Well, your window was wide open, Grace Mills and it was all right there. You just have to know where to look. I looked and I saw. I saw you."
It should have bothered Grace more than it did that Olivia Benson was able to see her; to see what she hid, what she fought, what she accepted. Most wouldn't have been able to for Grace had worked hard to separate herself from her past. She rarely allowed herself to go back for no good could come from recalling the specifics. Olivia had said that victims always hold something back and Grace believed that to be true. Survivors rarely go back unless they had to and Grace knew this to also be true. Either way, Sara Esteban had forced Grace to go back. Or as Olivia had said, that girl reached in and grabbed hold of something inside.
Grace Ann Mills had been just twelve when she met Detective Russo. There was a certain way she looked at Grace, a certain way her eyes coaxed her to talk when Grace wanted to close herself off to the world for good. Grace never forgot how the detective's dark eyes promised her she would be safe as long as she trusted her. Grace never forgot how Detective Russo kept every promise she made to her and how she fought with her and then for her when Grace couldn't. Olivia Benson had those same eyes. Sara referred to them as kind eyes and Grace would agree, but she also saw Detective Renee Russo in Olivia's eyes when she first met her.
Olivia had killed her attacker after being brutally raped and Sara had killed her father after enduring the same trauma. Grace Ann Mills had killed her father as well after years of abuse at his hands. She was twelve years old, still a child but much older than her years. She had called the police after pulling the knife from her father's back, but she refused to let them in. She was a scared little girl who was in so much pain from her assault that she wasn't sure if she were refusing to open the door or incapable of following the orders from the first responding officers.
It was Detective Russo who replaced the angry officer at the door and pleaded with Grace. Even at twelve, Grace knew they could enter if they wanted and even wondered why they didn't. Russo showed no emotion at the sight of Grace when she opened the door. Grace remembered backing away from the detective who kept her hands out away from her gun. She remembered keeping the knife close to her leg where she could easily hit the femoral artery and be done with it. She remembered Detective Russo asking her how she knew that death would be quick with such a self-inflicted injury. She was only twelve.
Grace saw herself in Olivia's eyes that day she had first been introduced to the SVU detective. She saw Russo in Olivia's eyes as well and she knew right away that she would do the very best she could for Olivia. She had made that promise to each person she was assigned to prepare, but she knew she would go above and beyond to help Olivia. Olivia had a way of speaking that appealed to Grace. Such an injured, broken woman when they met, yet the way she talked told Grace she still had fight in her. Grace heard it even if Olivia didn't.
The sky was hidden for the clouds, but that didn't dissuade Grace from making her way across the grass. If the weather was angry that would be okay for Grace could work with angry today. Her memories of her father still burned her deep, but the comforting ways and the quiet strength that was Renee Russo helped even her out. That's the way it was then and even now. Grace made it a point not to think of her father or even herself as a child, but she often let Russo into her mind.
The detective had no obligation to Grace once the case was closed, but she refused to abandon Grace. She refused to leave her to find her way, instead offering support and encouragement every step of the way. Grace held on tight to Renee after receiving her high school diploma and then again after college graduation. Renee Russo had been to both and continued to push, support and encourage. Grace had no family, her mother died while having Grace and her father died after having Grace. Too many times had Grace Ann Mills questioned life and why she had to live it. When Grace would complain of having no family, Renee would grow angry. Her words were heated but her eyes smiled and Grace knew she could never forget the way Renee talked to her. "Family is more than just blood, young one. Family is love and I love you."
And Grace loved Renee.
It had been a few months since Grace had visited Renee. The grounds were kept neat and Grace was glad for that. She made sure to make the payment that assured Detective Renee Russo's area was the best in the place. She deserved the best for as far as Grace was concerned, she was the best. It was nearing five years since she lost Renee. Grace refused to come on the anniversary to where Renee waited for her. Although she loved to remember Renee she hated recalling that date. She didn't need a specific date to remind her that she lost who she believed to be her life line. Grace didn't bring flowers, Renee didn't much like them. She assumed the tasteful arrangement around her tombstone was acceptable, at least she hoped.
"Olivia Benson is a lot like you. I have no doubts you would've liked her." Grace never announced she was there; there really was no need. She believed Renee knew, she felt Renee knew whenever she needed to talk to her; be with her. "She's so strong, so smart. So compassionate."
Grace's caught her breath as the wind instantly picked up. If it was a sign that Renee was hearing her that was okay. Grace was never scared. Never could she fear Renee. "She's a fighter. I picked up on that the day I met her. She was so hurt; physically, mentally, emotionally. She was so broken, yet she fought with a broken body, bruised heart and burned soul. I knew I would help her. I knew you would help me."
The rain that started slowly did little to pull Grace from her thoughts as she let her fingers trace the letters of Renee's name and title. NYPD. Olivia was NYPD. Grace remembered hearing the angry officers calling NYPD as they ordered her to open the door. She remembered accepting the flag that was offered to Renee's husband. His grief filled eyes motioned for the flag to be handed to Grace.
"Fighting to survive is like committing to win and Olivia will win...I have no doubt about that." Grace felt the rain pick up and it was only a matter of seconds before she was soaked through and the cold ground was no longer inviting. Still she sat and still she talked. "I won't let her fail, I refuse to let her fail."
The thunder was louder than Grace thought necessary and her attention was pulled toward the sky where she had to shield her eyes against the rain as it pelted her face. Renee had been shot and killed while on the job. Questioning a rape suspect, routine procedure, backup available and present and her partner glued to her side. Renee fought against pedophiles and rapists. She called them monsters yet she stood tall against them. Grace was twenty-eight years old when Renee was killed. Grace was working but made time for lunch with Renee that day. It was her birthday and Renee couldn't be sure she'd be available for dinner. Grace hated her birthday as a child for her father always had a party that so often continued when the other kids had gone home. And she hated her birthday now for it was just another reason to question life and why she had to live it.
Today was neither her birthday nor the anniversary of Renee's death. It was a typical rainy, spring day in New York. The air was still cool and the rain only made her body ache for the dampness but this was her home and Renee was her family. Grace let the rain water wash down her face, thankful for the way it allowed her to cry. And she cried, allowing the thunder to hide her anguish. She could almost feel the way Renee dropped her hand on her shoulder when she would get agitated. It was a subtle gesture but one that always seemed to calm; comfort. Grace cried until the rain let up and then she got up. Her clothes soaked, the weight of her jeans pulling at her hips. Grace had lost weight again and she could only tell when she wore her jeans instead of the dresses and skirts that gave her the professional look that so often defined her. She knew she needed a break. She had given so much of herself to help Olivia, and then Sara and she refused to regret any of it. Yet her body was screaming at her to step away; at least for a bit to recoup and recover. She had fought side by side with Olivia and then with Sara and now her soul needed to heal as well. Olivia's fight wasn't over, nor was Sara's and Grace promised she would be available to the both of them. And she would be.
Grace listened to the thunder as it announced the storm was moving on. She walked slowly for she was in no hurry to leave here, leave Renee. She needed a break and she would ask Trevor for just that, but she knew he had somebody for her to see that afternoon. She didn't have all the particulars, but Trevor's latest client was a husband charged with the brutal rape of his wife. Trevor was set to defend the very monster Renee and Olivia both fought against and it was Grace's job to prepare him the best way she could so that he could defend himself against the charges. Grace needed a break, maybe she needed more that just a break. Maybe she needed to move on.
The rain stopped and so did Grace as she stared at the woman leaning against her car. The rain had soaked Olivia through as well, but as she used her fingers to rake through her hair the smile she offered told Grace she didn't mind. "I didn't want to interrupt."
"Why are you here?" Grace took a few more steps so that she was positioned directly in front of Olivia who was now standing at her full height.
"Wanted to talk to you." Olivia leaned on her crutches and smiled when Grace did. "Cast came off this morning but it's hard to walk right just yet."
"I bet." Grace pulled her own hair back away from her face before tilting her head to look Olivia in the eyes. "You could've called."
"I could've, yes." Olivia had a way much like Renee and Grace instantly felt comforted by it.
"Is it same to assume you know why I'm here?" Grace was not yet ready to step away from Olivia and she shifted her weight at the same time Olivia adjusted hers against the crutches.
"I knew Renee. Not well, but I knew who she was. I now know who she was to you." Olivia's voice was clipped due to the emotion she suddenly saw in Grace's eyes. "Talk to me, Grace."
Grace caught herself as a sob escaped. "Time to turn the tables is it, Detective?"
Olivia knew the use of her former title was a sign of respect from Grace. They both knew she was no longer a detective and they both knew exactly why. "Maybe. Maybe I want to help you."
"It's been five years. Almost. She was shot and killed." Grace let the tears fall freely now, something about Olivia's presence told her it was safe to do that.
"I know. I attended the funeral." Olivia waited a few seconds before continuing. "Detective Renee Russo was your Grace. I understand."
"I know you do. I promised her, Olivia. I promised her that I would make her proud of me, you know? That I would find a way to honor her, her name...her." Grace worked hard to compose herself. "I don't know if she heard me..."
"She did." Olivia set the crutches against the car and took the few steps so that she could reach for Grace. "She heard you and she sees you, Grace. She was there in that courtroom with Sara and she was there in the governor's office when you fought for me. She can't help but be proud of you."
Grace could feel Olivia's arms surround her and she let herself think about the way Renee would do the same thing. Everybody needs somebody, doesn't matter what day, what time.
A/N 2: Okay, guys. I need to know if I should continue or call this an epilogue to "Fighting to Survive." Your call.