Transition
You didn't really know when it started, or why.
Maybe it was Bethany; she was so 'special' that you and your family had to risk your lives every time a Templar walked by. You always had to move around, always changing homes after finally starting to hope you wouldn't have to leave again.
A harsh blow perhaps, would've been Danarius.
Your only regret with him was that his death was too quick. And mother, oh mother. Her body limp and cold yet somehow moving, stumbling over to whisper reassurances. You had hid your tears while you waited for Gamlen, you knew he would come. You had sat in front of the fireplace, silent and stone faced while he screamed and sobbed, blaming you, blaming magic, blaming the mage who did it. Blaming himself.
You had sat on the edge of the bed later, staring into the flames. Something would set you off, you were a time bomb. Fenris climbed through the window and you begged him to say something, anything, to him he probably thought you desired comfort, and on a level you did, but more than that you needed him, you needed his voice, his presence, his comfort. He quoted something you didn't hear. He sat next to you and you fell on his shoulder and sobbed into his feathers.
You cried so hard that night.
Meredith was crazy, but the more the mages pushed, the more you understood.
The real breaking point was much later. You had been meaning to visit Fenris, you hadn't talked much, you were both too busy, he was tracking slavers and annihilating them, you were dealing with everyone's building tension between Orsino and Meredith left you working mostly for them rather than anyone else like Anders and his 'ingredients' or Merrill and her demon 'friend'.
You regretted it, you had been walking past his mansion and you swear you heard something, but you ignored it, assuring yourself it was Fenris throwing bottles at the wall, or slashing a wall down, you went to see this 'meeting' instead. Swearing to yourself, when it was silent as you walked past, that it was okay.
It was never okay.
You ran to the docks, to catch this second meeting. It's a struggle, but you survived, mostly, and limped over to Keran; and as soon as the word 'kidnapping' was spoken you're on your guard.
"What do you mean?" You asked, your kind diplomatic demeanor forced if only to remind you that everything is okay, its normal, it's a normal Tuesday afternoon for you when one person or another is kidnapped, seriously, what was new? Everything was fine.
"They said to take someone you cared about, just to stop you. A Tevinter elf-"
Maybe that's when you snapped? Where you turned from a kind gentle diplomat who worked for everyone's happy ending, to a cold woman who began to hate the world around her. You screamed at him, Maker, that lad should have started to worship Sebastian because that was the only thing that stopped you from killing him then and there, when your knife was digging into his flesh and Sebastian had pulled you back with a sharp cry.
You barely stopped to splint your leg, before you're running to Fenris's mansion, only to find it empty, the fire still crackling, a fresh mage corpse bloodied the wall nearby, his chest ripped open in Fenris's signature move. Not two steps away lay a book, its pages coated in blood that smeared the words. The book you gave him, you picked it up and dusted it off, flicking through the pages. Some words were circled roughly with granite, the ones he needed help with, some sentences were underlined and in the back were lines of writing from his own personal practice. 'Hawke' among them.
You stood up abruptly, "Fenris!" You screamed at the walls. You ran from room to room, ignoring the dull pain in your leg.
"Fenris!" There was no answer. Aveline tried to touch your shoulder to calm you but you were already out the door. Unsheathing your blades and out on the street, some slave hunters attacked you almost immediately, some form of ambush perhaps, their tactics were sloppy once they met your bloody rage, you left behind corpses.
Varric was the first to catch up, he knew the streets, you figured, he knew every shortcut you didn't and he made sure you didn't so he could catch you if you got away. "Hawke, you're not going to make it on a splint, duck down to Anders, get your leg fixed up. We'll make it faster." He reasoned.
The Wounded coast, that's what Keran had said, it wasn't that far. The other side of Thedas wouldn't seem far now. Par Vollen, Antiva, Rivain… Seheron itself, they were mere steps, and every journey had an end that could be reached with enough determination.
You ignored Anders reasoning, his urge to abandon the elf, to heal, to rest until you could function properly, with a clear head, his plea to focus on what was important, the mage Templar war, that wasn't important, Fenris was important, if it had been Anders who was kidnapped, what would he have thought then? Abandon him for this petty war?
You just left, Aveline apologised for you before giving chase, even though you were already running through the streets, cutting through thugs and mercenaries like butter by the time she had managed to catch up with you and the rest of your team.
You were out on the road just as the sun started to peek over the horizon.
"Fenris! I'm coming for you!" You screamed along the battered shoreline.
They probably heard you coming a mile away, if they touched a hair on his head… You would leave nothing behind but red. That was a promise.
You didn't think you snapped before, not truly, maybe you cracked, maybe thin lines formed along your form, but never a snap… This was a snap, when you saw him on the ground, unmoving… you now knew how Ander's felt, Vengeance locked inside of him burning and pulsing, rage, blinding rage.
"If he is dead then so is your family Thrask!" You hissed at the Templar.
"I mean only peace serah Hawke! Negotiations! He's not dead, merely unconscious."
"I will not negotiate with Fenris on the ground!"
"Screw this!" A mage snapped, Grace, the one you sent to the circle. Of course you had sent her to the circle, if you had let her go she would have been caught, she would have been killed. "Kill the hostage! Kill the champion!" She took a step towards Fenris and your pulse started beating in your ears, you stepped forward and Thrask stepped in front of her, now there were two between you and Fenris, you knew he's on your side this time, you knew he's not the enemy here, but he's no white knight, your fingers twitched, reaching for your weapons.
"You bitch! You touch him and you die!" You threatened.
"A thousand deaths would be better than another hour in the circle!" Is her only reply.
"No Grace! This isn't what we're about!"
"We'll see about that, Templar." She smirked, slitting her wrist.
You dived into battle.
They all died, you made sure they all died. You were cut all over, singed and frostbitten. You'd have scars that would never go away, not all were on the surface.
You were sick of mages, sick of magic, they stole your family, your mother… now this.
You collapsed next to him when the mages breathed no more, you felt healing magic wash over you as you sobbed over his body, shaking him, asking, begging him to wake up.
Anders stepped up next to you, kneeling down beside you with an air of hesitance, fear. You weren't even aware he had followed you.
"Blood magic is holding him Hawke. I'll try to release him." He whispered to you, which was odd. Anders despised blood magic, where could he have learnt it...? As if he could read minds he glanced away. "The Hero Of Ferelden teaches their followers all they knows. The good and the bad."
He turned to Fenris and you shifted, sitting up to lean over the unconscious elf as Anders eyes glowed a brilliant blue, mouth parted slightly in incantation, before finally he pulled back, and when Fenris's eyes fluttered open you were already wrapping your arms around him, sobbing.
"H-Hawke? 'M sorry… shouldn't of let 'em take me. I was weak." He murmured apologetically, his tone was groggy, as if he had been drinking too much Aggrecio, he sagged in your arms as you continued to sob, burying your head in his neck.
"M-mage's are evil." You breathed between sobs, too low for Anders to hear. "They're all evil…. And I should've known… Should've trusted you above my own flawed judgment."
You paused before you continued, louder this time. "Just… don't do that again, 'kay? You had me worried." There is an air of the old you within the words this time, it feels natural, this kind woman, but you know she's only there for him, and she'll be gone soon enough.
As you got up, his arm slung around your shoulder, you were greeted by Cullen, and without caring for Anders behind you, without caring for the lives you are playing with, you told him to kill every single blood mage on sight from now on, not to bother with reason, not to bother with compromise. Anders tensed behind you and you see a flash of blue that faded as quickly as it had come.
Cullen is hesitant at first, unsure, but you convince him with nothing but a look as you slowly begin to walk back home, Fenris leaning on you for support.
By the time you reach Kirkwall and everyone splits ways, Fenris was actually supporting you, despite this recent endeavour, he wasn't injured, but you were bleeding from several minor wounds, despite Anders healing.
"Fenris?"You murmured as you stumbled behind the others.
"Hmmm?"
"I fought well back there, right?"
"I didn't see." He chuckled dryly.
"Oh, right. But do you know the most vital part of a person?"
"The heart, right?"
"If it gets hit, and the person survived, they get really pissed, don't they?" You asked, he looked at you oddly and you swallow and return his look, dead serious.
"Is there a point to this?"
"If the heart doesn't survive, that person's rage will never be quelled."
"They tend to be dead Hawke, but if you are speaking of spirits I suppose they would be filled with rage, they had been killed, you wouldn't?"
"I thought my heart was dead back there, Fenris. Inside I knew it was there, it was beating, in the literal sense, but then I saw my heart lying there…" You looked up at him pointedly.
"How could your heart be ly-" He saw your look. "Oh."
"I understand now Fenris, mages must be stopped, no matter the cost. They'll never touch my heart again." He nodded at you, approvingly.
That's why you killed your best friend, Anders, why he lies at the foot of the ruined Chantry with a shocked look on his empty face. That's why you slaughtered all the mages, why Merrill laid in a pool of blood at the bottom of a staircase, wrists bloody, mouth agape.
You didn't realise the reasons at first, though looking back now, at all your regrets…
Killing them was not a regret, it was a necessity.
It made sense now. You knew…
What you did regret was all the mages you had naively spared in the past.