A Commander's Heart
The hour was late. It was a deep, quiet night like the calm before a storm. He was tired… very tired. There is nothing more that he wanted but to lie down and sleep. But, his conscience just won't let him. His mind continued to travel through the path of many possibilities – the casualties, the decisions, the sacrifices, and the lives that he must play with – while his heart persisted on weighing him down with guilt and hate for the monster that he has become.
Alone in his private quarters, Commander Erwin Smith contemplated the worst case scenario in his head. He reviewed the results over and over like a movie in a loop. He continued to convince himself of the great cause and the benefits that his actions would provide. He tried to appease his remorse with his convictions and beliefs as he always does when an expedition has been approved and when death inevitably looms by his shadows.
The commander was about to intertwine his fingers to serve as a chin rest as he continued to ponder, however, it took him a second later to realize that he has only one arm now. Losing an arm was a fitting punishment for his arrogance and a fairly decent admonition of his mortality in miscalculations. Grasping what was left of his limb, his thoughts veered from the plan to a certain person. He began to think how this person would fare in the future carrying the burden that he will entrust.
Hanji Zoe.
She was an excellent soldier, a trusted companion, the most brilliant of scientists and a formidable woman. She has always been by his side, seen him through the worst and the best if there were any. Her loyalty never wavered, never faltered and her faith in his decisions and his actions remained unparalleled. She would go on world's end with him and for him – as a friend and as her commanding officer.
And how will he repay all these?
"By giving her the inconceivable." He muttered to himself, sighing deeply.
He worries for her. And it was more than a commander should have for a subordinate, no matter how close their relationship was.
Erwin knows that Hanji Zoe is not made of breakable materials. She is agile and quick in her wits. She can and will handle her own. Even if Mike was alive, he still would've arrived with this same decision. He knows it but he still can't suppress the heaviness in his chest whenever the notion crosses his mind.
The door burst open and a frantic bespectacled woman rushed in, breaking his line of thought. She was loud and panicky and couldn't hold much her balance that she came slumping on the floor as she spoke. The contrastingly composed blond simply ignored such display of clumsiness and calmly poured out a glass of water for his visitor. They talked and discussed and planned. They were soon joined by another man, Moblit, Hanji's loyal assistant. Erwin remained collected as he listened to the information fed to him and as he laid out his opinion and plan.
Finally, he said,
"The new commander of the Survey Corps will be you, Hanji Zoe."
He did not give her time to digest his words or to bark back any hostility even if it was inquisitive in nature. He just left, placing boulders of burden on the shoulders of a woman he learned to love over time.
Yes, he does love her. Not the same as his love for Mary. A different kind of love, perhaps a different degree. Although he will never openly admit it, he knows that he does love Hanji Zoe, the craziest soldier of Survey Corps and now the new commander.
He realized that once again he inflicted pain on a woman he loves. Once again, he left her like a heartless bastard of a man. Once again, he forced a life upon her, a life she didn't had the chance to voluntarily choose. And it made him sick. Sick of himself.
Frustrated and upset, Erwin slammed his balled fist to the wall. He was in an unusual state, flustered and ruffled, and no one was there to witness it. Feeling all the more tired and perhaps older than he actually is, the former commander leaned on the wall, his head bowed down. He wanted to wail in agony and cry in despair. He wanted to break everything around him.
But he did not. Instead, he shut his eyes and pictured the brunette her usual bright smile painted on her face in his mind. He wanted to go back and hold her tight but he did not. And he will not.
"I'm sorry, Hanji." He whispered. "I'm so sorry."
He wanted to stay more and nurture his despair. He wanted to punish himself. However, he is still Erwin Smith. And he will never let his emotions get the better of him. And so, collecting himself, he pushed away from the wall and walked forward, all the while chanting in his head, I'm sorry, Hanji. Stay safe and soar high, my beloved commander.
Meanwhile, the brunette in question remained motionless and speechless. Hanji Zoe had plenty of questions in her mind and everything involved the word "why". She fought the urge to follow the tall, blond man and shake him or punch him to reclaim his senses before she bombard him with queries. For years she had fought with him, stood by him, talked, planned and discussed with him. She knows that his mind is works like a clock and all its screws are in top-shape. Hanji always had faith, blind in most cases, over Erwin's decisions and today, most importantly, is not the moment she starts to doubt.
"Buntai- I mean, Hanji-Danchou? Shall we go?" Moblit asked, surprised as well but still with wits intact.
"Go on ahead, Moblit. I have some other business to attend to. Locate Levi and his squad. I need to talk to him." Hanji replied. "Oh, don't spill the beans yet, okay. We don't like to get the pint-size god of war off-guard." She added with a smile that gave her subordinate a reason to ease his worry.
"Understood."
Hanji took one last look around Erwin's quarters and sighed.
"I would've fought with you, Erwin. I will always fight with you. For you. You're just too tight-assed and stubborn to let me. Always the cool, stoic one, eh? The mysterious commander handsome, eh?" she said to no one in particular, chuckling at her last jibe. She walked over his bed and traced a hand over the pillow trying to feel something, a memory most likely.
"Sometimes I wonder who really is humanity's strongest? Is it you? Or is it really Levi?" she continued, a tad of loneliness glistened in her eyes. She moved away from the furniture and stood in the middle of the room, her gaze moving around as if memorizing everything in its place.
"You will always be my commander, Erwin." She whispered. "Always my strongest pair of wings." And with that she left the room, determined, strong and focused.