::::Snape Wants to Be a Drill Sergeant::::
Italics thoughts
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter. If I did, wouldn't my name be written somewhere?
Snape: (the first Potions class of the term)Welcome back to Hogwarts, children. I wish you had never come back. Let's go over the rules of Potions class, shall we? Number one: please raise your hand before speaking. Number one: Talk in my class and you'll never talk again. Number two: keep your hands, feet, and wands to yourself. Number two: Touch anything in my class and your fingers will be taped to the palms of your hands for the rest of the term. Number three: do not taste or smell anything in this class. Number three: drink all vials and bottles labeled "poison" or you shall fail Potions. Number four: please use the toilet before this class so as not to interrupt my lesson. You can hold your pee. I do all the time. Number five: if you need to sharpen your quills, please do so before the lesson starts. Or I'll sharpen it on your face, you poop-headed crap-filled termites!
Draco: Like, Professor! Like, you didn't say anything about, like, when tryouts for, like, cheerleading is!
Snape: (narrows eyes at him) How I wish I could stomp on your face without getting fired. It's not Quidditch season, Draco.
Draco: What?! That's, like, totally bogus!
Snape: Life isn't fair, Draco. I found that out the hard way, when I asked Narcissa to marry me—uh, anyway, let's open our books to page 394.
Hermione: But sir, we've just begun redcaps and hinkypunks! We're not meant to start nocturnal beasts for weeks! And besides, this is Potions class, not Defense Against the Dark Arts…
Snape: (gets right in Hermione's face and turns on a drill sergeant attitude) I DON'T BELIEVE I ASKED YOU TO SPEAK, SOLDIER!
Hermione: (freaked out) Um…wh-what?
Snape: SINCE WE'RE ENTERING A NEW TERM, I'VE DECIDED TO CHANGE THINGS AROUND A BIT! I WOULDN'T BE DOING THIS IF I DIDN'T HAVE ALL THE SAME STINKERS FROM LAST YEAR, BUT SEEING THAT I DO, WE'RE GOING TO TREAT POTIONS CLASS LIKE THE MARINES! DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?!
Hermione: Not really, because you're screaming in my face and it's very hard to understand.
Snape: I JUST SAID WE'RE GOING TO TREAT POTIONS CLASS LIKE THE MARINES!! OR IS THAT TOO COMPLICATED FOR YOU TO UNDERSTAND, SOLDIER?!
Hermione: (begins to cry) But, sir, I—I'm the smartest witch of my generation…how can anything be too complicated for me? (bawls)
Snape: THAT'S MORE LIKE IT! THE MARINES IS ALL ABOUT BLOOD, SWEAT, AND TEARS! FROM NOW ON, YOU WILL REFER TO ME AS SERGEANT SNAPE! IS THAT CLEAR?!
(everyone is too freaked out to speak)
Snape: (swoops down upon Harry) YOU THERE! SCRAWNY FOUR-EYED ONE!
Harry: S-sir?
Snape: WHAT IS YOUR NAME, PRIVATE?!
Harry: Professor, you know my name…Harry Potter?
Snape: SMART MOUTHS NEVER LAST IN THE MARINES, PRIVATE! ANSWER ME THE FOLLOWING QUESTIONS, AND IF YOU GET ANY OF THEM WRONG, YOU'LL HAVE TO DO THE MEMORY DRILL!
Harry: What's a memory drill…? (turns to Hermione for the answer)
Hermione: Don't look at ME; I'm a moron! (sob sob cry cry)
Snape: QUESTION NUMBER ONE! WHAT IS THE CAPITAL OF CONNECTICUT?!
Harry: Hartford, sir!
Snape: WRONG! THE CAPITAL OF CONNECTICUT IS C!
Harry: Um…yeah, that's…what I meant to say. Sergeant Snape has a screw loose!
Snape: I'LL LET IT SLIDE THIS TIME, PRIVATE! NEXT QUESTION! WHO WON THE CIVIL WAR?! THE SOUTH OR THE NORTH?!
Harry: The North won, sir!
Snape: YOU'RE SMART, PRIVATE, BUT ARE YOU SMART ENOUGH TO KNOW THE ANSWER TO THIS LAST QUESTION! IF A TRAIN LEAVES CHICAGO AT 7:30AM AT A RATE OF 90 MILES PER HOUR WITH A REFRIGERATOR FULL OF ICE CREAM, AND THE REFRIGERATOR STOPS WORKING, HOW LONG WILL IT TAKE IT TO GET TO SACRAMENTO BEFORE ALL THE ICE CREAM MELTS?!
Harry: Professor—I mean, Sergeant Snape, what does this have to do with Potions?
Snape: NOTHING AT ALL, PRIVATE! JUST A LITTLE WAKE-UP CALL TO WAKE THE CLASS UP! NOW EVERYBODY OUTSIDE FOR THE MEMORY DRILL!
Draco: But, like, Snape! I'm wearing, like, stilettos! They might, like, break off!
Snape: PEOPLE LIKE YOU ARE JUST LIKE ANTHILLS, PRIVATE! THEY'RE FULL OF ANTS!
Harry: But sir! That makes entirely no sense!
Snape: NOTHING MAKES SENSE IN THE MARINES WORLD! AND MY THROAT IS STARTING TO HURT FROM ALL THIS YELLING SO I'M JUST GOING TO SHUT UP!
(silence)
(the bell rings and everyone leaves, mentally scarred for life)
The End.