Me: This is probably one of the saddest things I have ever written. Never take anyone for granted in your life, tell people what you feel, tell them you love them. Don't let yourself have those unanswered questions because regret is probably the worst kind of misery.

I watch passively as life continues to move around me. It has been years and I feel like I haven't budged an inch. My days have been filled the scent of strawberries, bad habits, and the haze of cigarette smoke since it all ended. I swear that some days when I'm on my own I hear the tinkering of her bell and for a minute I search for her only finding empty space. Silly of me, I suppose.

It's only natural that the girls would continue on with their lives. My best friend got married and moved across the country, he visits on holidays; always questioning if I'm okay with being alone, if I can handle myself. I tell him I take my medicine regularly and there's nothing to worry about. A little white lie won't hurt every once in awhile. My anxiety started when she left. She left two summers ago, off to go travel and study to get her life on her feet. One day she would change the world again.

I watched her go with so many unspoken words on the tip of my lips; I was paralyzed by the reality of it. I just stood there… All I could mutter was, "Good-bye Strawberry." Then she was gone.

Gone.

I remember seeing the news and not believing my eyes. My mind went blank and I felt like I was drowning. Not her flight. No. There were no survivors. It couldn't be, after everything she survived. Things started going too fast for me to comprehend, dead, phone calls, nothing made sense, dead. She was dead.

Suddenly I was at her funeral everything felt so surreal. All the things I should have said were racing through my mind. So many possibilities were gone, I should have told her. I started hyperventilating, I couldn't stop myself, I screamed, I screamed so much that I passed out.

I woke up to pure white hospital walls and doctors asking me how I felt. I didn't want any of it. I was numb. I still am. They sent me to a place where unbalanced people go. Told me it was for my own good. My best friend said I should go through with it. So I did. For him.

I spent half a year with people who were a different kind of crazy. I turned myself off.

Eventually they said I wasn't a risk anymore. They said I was stable enough to function on my own. Ha, good one.

Countless nights I have drank entire bottles of whiskey in her memory. Trying to dull the pain of what ifs and could have beens.

I couldn't tell you how many times I've been near death. Suicidal thoughts come with depression and anxiety. Yet, every time I even think of it, she appears staring at me with her big brown eyes with a look on her face telling me I'm wrong. For once I listen to her. I haven't told anyone about the hallucinations. They keep me going. I don't want to be prescribed pills that will take her away again.

I should have told her.

Whenever she appears on my worst nights, I tell her what I should have said.

I loved you, you know.