Inside I'm Screaming!
Virtual Mission
Somewhere in the skies over Russia
Major Zero: OK, Snake, we're somewhere over Russia now.
Snake: And your point?
Zero: We are about to start the Virtuous Mission.
Snake: Oooohhhhh. Huh?
Zero: I'll tell you when you get down on the ground.
Snake: Right right, wait did you say ground?!?!?
Zero: -takes out a tape recorder, presses PLAY-
Tape Recorder: I'll tell you when you get down on the ground.
Zero: -presses STOP, puts tape recorder away-
Snake: How high up are we?
Zero: About 20,000 feet, why?
Snake: Gulp!
Zero: 5 minutes to drop point.
Snake: Major, what does Virtuous mean?
Zero: 4 minutes to drop point.
Snake: Good, wait DROP POINT?!?!?
4 Minutes later...
Zero: OK, Snake, you're about to perform the world's first HALO jump!
How do you feel?
Snake: Scared.
Zero: Good, get ready!
-lights turn green, alarm sounds-
Zero: 3…2..1.Jump!
Snake: -not jumping-
Zero: Snake?
Snake: Major, I'm scared of heights.
Zero: Sigh! -gets out his little finger, tips Snake on the back-
Snake: Woooowwaaagggghhhaaaaaagghhhhh!!! –grabs plane door-
Zero: Hrrrmmmm. –tickles Snake's fingers-
Snake: Heehheehehheeeehooohahahahahahahahaheee, stop it! You're
Tickling me! Hahahahahahaha! –hand slips-
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
[Radio / Major Zero
Zero: Snake. Are you OK?
Snake: HEEEEEELLLLLLLPPPPPP MMMEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Zero: Snake, listen! When you're low enough, pull your parachute.
Snake: WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!
Zero: SNAKE! PULL THE PARACHUTE OR YOU GO SPLAT!
Snake: I don't wanna die! I better pull the parachute! –pulls parachute-
Zero: Snake? Good you pulled the parachute!
[Radio off
Snake: Wheeeeeeeee! I should do this more often!
Zero: Steer towards those cliffs, land there. Waitaminute! He turned off the radio!
Dremuchij South
Snake: I'll land there on those cliffs. Wheeeee! -gets stuck on a tree-
Oh great! HELP HELP! I'M STUCK!
[Radio / Major Zero
Zero: Snake, just remain calm! Don't panic.
Snake: I CAN'T STAY CALM! I AM PANICKING! HELP!! I'M STUCK!!
Zero: Shut up for a minute will you?
Snake: -shuts up-
Zero: You have been equipped with an infinitely bottomless bag that
is small on the….just take the knife out of the bag.
Snake: -takes out knife- Done!
Zero: Now cut the tree.
Snake: WHAT?!? Why? What has this tree ever done to you?
Zero: Shut up! Cut it! Or do you want to do your post-landing briefing
hanging from a tree branch?
Snake: Briefing.
Zero: OK, Snake. I'm not the only one on your support team.
Snake: How very interesting!
Zero: Snake, this is Para-medic.
Snake: Para…..medic? What's that?
Zero: She's not a thing! She's the one monitoring your
health throughout the mission.
Snake: I see, so she's kind of like a doctor or
something, wait! Did you say SHE?!?!?
Zero: Yes I did Snake! Yes I did!
Para-medic: You got a problem with that?
Snake: No, no, not at all!
Para-medic: Say, Snake? What's your real name?
Snake: John Doe.
Para-medic: And they call you Jack?
Snake: Yes.
Para-medic: You're a typical Captain Nemo, you are!
Snake: OK then smart-head! What's your name?
Para-medic: Jane Doe.
Snake: Grrrrrrrrr.
Para-medic: What?
Snake: Very funny.
Para-medic: You really want to know what my name is.
Snake: Yes. Yes I do.
Para-medic: I'll tell you mine if you tell me yours!
Snake: Grrr. OK, I'll tell you.
Para-medic: Good.
Snake: If you answer this simple question!
Para-medic: Go on…
Snake: Is Zero with you?
Zero: Yes I am Snake! Thank you for asking.
Snake: Wrong answer.
Para-medic: Damn.
Zero: Oh, and Snake? Never call me Zero again!
Snake: Yes sir.
Zero: Snake, meet your next mission advisor. I think you know her.
The Boss: Hello Snake. So we meet again,
Snake: Oh, hi Boss.
The Boss: Snake, try to remember some of the basics of CQC.
Snake: What-Q-What?
The Boss: C-Q-C. Close Quarters Combat! Sheesh! Can you honestly not
remember?
Snake: No.
The Boss: It's a fighting style, like judo.
Snake: Oh, C-Q-C!
The Boss: OK Snake. Go!
Snake: Major?
Zero: Yes, Snake?
Snake: Can I change the name of the mission?
Zero: What did you have in mind?
Snake: Virtuous Mission sounds stupid, how about Virtual Mission?
Zero: Fine.
Snake: OK then. Commencing Virtual Mission.
Dremuchij Swampland
Snake: Man, this is boring!
[Radio / Major Zero
Zero: Snake! Stop right there!
Snake: What?
Zero: That's a swamp!
Snake: What do you want? A cookie? I know what a swamp is!
Zero: OK just be careful. If you stand too long in it…
Para-medic: You'll drown!
Snake: Yeah yeah yeah!
[Radio off
Snake: Ok stay calm. –sees an Indian Gavial- AAARRRRRRGGHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
MOOOOOOOOOONNSTEEEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
-runs past the swamp-
Dremuchij North
Snake: Now let's see… - takes out binoculars- Hmmm. It's a guy!
Maybe…..
[Radio / Major Zero
Zero: Snake, I am sorry but I forgot to tell you two things.
Snake: Yes?
Zero: First of all I forgot to tell you what you have to do.
Snake: Come to think of it, you did forget!
Zero: You're trying to rescue a scientist guy called Sokolov. He should be being
held in an old abandoned factory type place.
Snake: And the second thing?
Zero: For good luck, I am changing my codename. Call me Major Tom!
Snake: Why?
Tom: I'll tell you why when you complete the mission.
Snake: OK fine then. Um, Major?
Tom: Yes, Snake?
Snake: There's a sentry in the way and there's probably more up ahead!
Tom: Snake? Use CQC, tranquilize them with your Mk22 or sneak past them by
Hiding and using camouflage! Remember this is a sneaking mission.
You can't be seen!
Snake: I see… Hold on, I can't be seen? OK then…-walks over to the guard-
Tom: Errr Snake? What are you doing?
Snake: Using CQC. Ahem. -taps guard on the shoulder-
[Radio off
Guard: Yes?
Snake: Where is Sokolov being held?
Guard: In an abandoned factory is Rassvet. It's just up the trail there.
-points up the path-
Snake: Thank you. HAAAAYYAH!! –CQCs the guard-
Guard: You….. -faints-
Snake: -sees another guard- Didn't Major Tom say something about me having a
Mk22? –takes it out of his bag, shoots the guard-
Guard: -sees guard sleeping- Huh? What's wrong?
Snake: And CAMOUFLAGE! -puts on bright orange camouflage-
Guard: Huh? (RED !) An intruder!
Snake: No, no. You can't see me!
Guard: Huh? What are you talking about? I can see you as clear as…. Crystal.
Snake: That's impossible! Just give me a sec.
[Radio / Major Tom
Tom: Yes, Snake?
Snake: I thought you said I can't be seen!
Tom: Your reason being?
Snake: This guard can see me!
Tom: You are using camouflage aren't you?
Snake: Yes. I put on bright orange camouflage and hid by a tree!
Tom: Sigh! Snake, I didn't mean you can't be seen as in "invisible" I meant
you can't be seen as in "avoid being seen", idiot!
Snake: Oh, now I get it!
Tom: Good.
[Radio off
Snake: Say can we just forget this whole thing ever happened?
Just between you and me?
Guard: Umm let me think…
Other guard: -wakes up- Yaaaawwwnn!!! Hey what's going on?
Guard: Okay! -shakes hands with Snake-
Snake: Good! –shakes hands with guard- See ya!
Guard: See you too! What a nice guy!
Other Guard: Was that an intruder?
Guard: Yeah, he was cool though.
Other Guard: OK, whatever you say!
Dolinovodno
Snake: Hey look a bridge! -walks over to it-
Guard: Freeze!
Snake: -freezes- I like this game! Fall down that cliff!
Guard: OK. -goes to move over the edge of the cliff- NO! You're not fooling me!
Snake: OK, OK so I undersmarted you, big deal!
Guard: Undersmarted? That's not even a word!
Snake's stomach: Growwwl.
Snake: I'm hungry! Do you have any food?
Guard: Uhhh, no but I bet there's honey in that hornet's nest!
Snake: Oh goody! -climbs up tree- I can taste that sweet, sweet honey!
[Radio / Para-medic
Para-medic: SNAKE! STOP!
Snake: -in the middle of reaching for the hornet's nest- What?
Para-medic: That nest probably has hornets in it!
Snake: AAARRGGHH!! -throws it at the guard-
Guard: AAAAAAUUUURRRRGGGGHHHH!!!!!! ITS' SO
PAAAIIIINNNFUUULLLLL!!!!!!! HEEELLLPPPP!!!! AAARRGGHH!!!
Snake: Oopsie.
Guard: OOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Snake: -shoots out the bridge's support ropes- Heeheehee!
Guard on far side of bridge: Hm? What's that shouting?
–sees guard with hornet's nest on his head-
Oh no! GUYS!! FOLLOW ME!!
Guards: -run across bridge, start falling off sides- WAAAA!! AAAAARGH!!
Snake: Heehee! Look at those excellent bridge physics!
Para-medic: Oh my God, Snake, what have you done?!?!?
Snake: Uuuh, made my mission easier?
Para-medic: NO! YOU'VE KILLED SEVERAL GUARDS!!
Snake: Oh. That.
Guard with hornet's nest on head: Blerg! -dies, lies in middle of bridge-
Para-medic: …….
[Radio off
Snake: -walks across bridge, slips- WOW! -grabs branch- Hey hey!
-climbs onto branch- Hey an item box! (XM16E1) Cool!
-shimmies around cliff back to path, runs to Rassvet-
Rassvet
Snake: I take it this is Rassvet.
Guard 1: I thought I heard screaming.
Guard 2: Probably Sokolov.
Guard 1: Yeah.
Snake: -looks down- M-m-m-mmm –trying not to scream-
[Radio / Major Tom
Tom: Snake? Snake?
Snake: Y-y-yes M-M-Major?
Tom: Snake? You alright?
Snake: There's…..a….s-s-s-snake….on…my….foot….and…i-i-i-it's scaring me!
Tom: Now come on Snake! Your codename's Snake and you're scared of one?!?
Para-medic: What kind of snake is it Snake?
Snake: D-d-dunno….OH NO!
Para-medic: Snake? Are you OK?
Snake: It's crawling up my pants' leg!!!
Para-medic: Don't worry! Describe the snake.
Snake: It's scaly, scary, slimy, brown scaled with a diamond pattern, probably
venomous.
Para-medic: That's a Reticulated Python! They're a non-venomous snake,
Snake!
Snake: I….guess….that's….good….it's….still….scary……though.
Para-medic: Just tranquilize it with your Mk22.
Snake: Can't….
Para-medic: Why not?
Snake: Paralyzed….with….fear. GOOD GOD NO!!!
Para-medic: SNAKE??!?!??!! What's wrong Snake??!?!!?
Snake: It's sticking it's head out of my COAT!!! It's looking at me!!!!
AAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!
Guards 1+2: Huh? Screaming? -spot Snake-
Snake: HEEEELLLLLPPPPPP MEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!
Guard 1: We gotta help him!
Snake: -throws the snake at the guards-
Guards 1+2: AAAARRRRRRGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!!!! HEEEEELLLPPP USSSSS!!!
Guards 3-6: What was that? -investigates, spots Guards 1+2-
Guards 1+2: YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!! -runs towards Guards 3-6 and the
barrel they're standing by-
Guards 3-6: Huh? WAIT NOOOOO!!!!
BBBBBOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sokolov: What was that?
Snake: Cool.
Para-medic: COOL?!?!? THAT'S ALL YOU CAN SAY AFTER YOU KILLED
SEVERAL MORE INNOCENT GUARDS?!?!?!?!? COOL?!?!?!
Snake: Yeah. Now to find Sokolov!
[Radio off
Snake: I think this is the room Sokolov's being kept in. -tries door-
Door: -creaks open-
Snake: Not locked? Good! -opens door-
Sokolov: Who are you? Are you with them?
Snake: I'm not an enemy. I'm here to save you!
Sokolov: Then are you with………………………..Volgin?
Snake: What's a Volgin?
Sokolov: Long story short; He's an evil guy that's against Russia's current leader.
Snake: We gotta get you outta here!
Both: -go outside-
??????: Well, well, well! Look what the cat dragged in!
Snake: Cat? Aawwwww! Where's the kitty?
??????: Ahem! –twirling a Makarov-
Snake: Oh yeah, who are you? -adopts CQC stance-
??????: Are you The Boss?
Snake: No, but I'm her apprentice!
??????: The Boss is a she??!?!!??!?!?
Snake: Yeeeaahhh! What's it to you?
Sokolov: AAAAARRRGGGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!! -runs away-
??????: RRAAAAWWWWRRRR!!!!
Soldiers: -appear-
??????: Now my pretties, ATTACK!!!!
Soldiers: -attack each other-
??????: Huh? I guess if you want something done, you gotta do it yourself.
-aims at Snake, shoots, misses 7 more times-
Snake: You know, the way you hold the gun sideways and bend your arm to
absorb the recoil is pretty smart but that's a revolver technique.
??????: So?
Snake: -walks over to him-
??????: Stay back!
Snake: -flicks his nose-
??????: Nnnnnggggn!!! -rubs his nose- That's mean! -runs away-
Snake: That was easy!
[Radio / Major Tom
Tom: You're supposed to be protecting Sokolov! Where is he?
Snake: Uuuuhhh… -runs-
[Radio off
Dolinovodno
Snake: Sokolov! We gotta go!
Sokolov: Yay! I'll get to see my family again!
Snake: Come on, let's go over this bri… -sees the hornet nest Guard- ..wait here.
Sokolov: OK.
Snake: -walks across the bridge-
???????: Muahahahahahahahaha! Hello, Snake!
Snake: Who's there?
???????: -comes out of the shadows-
Snake: Boss?!?
The Boss: That's right! -kicks guard off bridge-
Snake: I'd hate to be him…
The Boss: -drops two metal boxes-
Bridge: -shakes and wobbles extremely due to Snake shooting out the ropes-
Snake: WAAAAHHHAAHAHAA
Sokolov: -like a girl- AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Boss and Snake: Shut up!
Snake: What's in the boxes?
The Boss: Nukes.
Snake: NUKES?!?!?
The Boss: Yes, for my new hosts!
Snake: New hosts?
The Boss: That's right! I'm defecting to Russia!
Snake: Awwwww whyyyy?
The Boss: Just because.
Snake: -sees a helicopter- Oooh!
Helicopter: -hovers by bridge-
The Boss: Say hello to my friends.
Snakeman: We get to fight together again, Boss!
Beeman: I've waited a really long time for this…
Oldman: Good to see you again… -eyes bulge out- ….boss.
Fireman: I haaaave FURY TOOTHPASTE!! –squirts Beeman with toothpaste-
Beeman: Stop that.
The Boss: We WILL fight again!! –notices it started raining blooooood!-
Is he crying?
Snake: Who? -sees a crying ghost behind The Boss- Oh.
Ghost: Waaaaaaahahhaaaaaahaaaaa. Booooooohoooooooooo waaaaahaha!!!
The Boss: Huh? Wha? -stopped raining-
??????: Kuwabara….KUWABARA….KUUUUUWWAAAABAAAARRAAAA!!!!!!
The Boss: Who? Oh, hi Volgin.
Volgin: Hi, Boss. Welcome to Russia and my Unit! –hugs The Boss-
The Boss: Ew. –pushes him away-
Volgin: -opens boxes- Oooh. Nukes! Goody! –goes away with the nukes-
The Boss: Get Sokolov!!
Snakeman: Roger that!
Beeman: -summons bees to hold Snakeman-
Snakeman: Alley oop! -grabs Sokolov-
Snake: SOKOLOOOOOV!!! You'll pay, Boss!!
The Boss: OK. Pull the trigger then.
Snake: OK I will. -prepares to fire-
The Boss: HAYAYAYAHYWAWOOO!! -CQCs Snake off the bridge-
Snake: WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!
Snakeman: The new blood has been rejected.
The Boss: He's still too young, too pure for us Cobras.
On the helicopter….
Volgin: -examining the Davy Crockett, reading instructions book- Hmm.
"Get nucular missile; Done. Put in hole; Done. Turn safety off; Done.
Fire missile;" OK here we go!
??????: What are you doing? Firing on your own men?!?
Volgin: Shut up! -fires missile-
ShoooooooooffffBOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Riverbank…
Snake: What the f- AAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!