The Butler And The Ward

by sTk

Light has to come to terms with L's death, and goes through the funeral arrangements.

A knock on a door.
A warm hand greeting.
A dark room smelling of flowers.
Caskets in all colours of the rainbow.
Uncomfortable seats from another age.
Suits with sadness etched on a puppet string face.

"We can take care of everything."

We opted for a burial.
I catch the directors smirk. It was more money for him.
Dad didn't like it. He thought cremation was disrespectful.
He thought that there should be honour in death.
But he died…no… he was killed without honour.
By me.

"May I use the bathroom?"
They nod.
They indicate.
I walk.
I feel like crawling.
But I walk.

The room is small and shabby, like the rest.
I leave it in darkness for I pray for the darkness now.
It is my solemn comfort now.
The Light will surely kill me, as it has killed so many now.

The water is cool on my hands.
It will never wash off the blood.
I splash my face with it.
The numbness remains.
It will never wash off the guilt.

Outside my dad is ready. Everything's been prepared for tomorrow.
There is to be a viewing beforehand.
I nod aloud.
I shake inside.

Sleep comes easy.
Pills help.
I should toss and turn but I don't.
The darkness comforts me.
I've become a cliché
I've become a monster.

We enter that parlour once more.
I hope with my black heart for the last time.
I see their faces in the coffins.
They're supposed to look like they're sleeping.
They just look dead.

Dad says words. They pass over my head.
The rest of them speak good things about the pair.
The butler and the ward.I can say nothing.
Just because I mean it doesn't make it right.
It doesn't make it right.
Sorry won't bring them back.

We move in cars.
Dad and me. Will I say sorry for him too one day?
The watch is heavy on my wrist today.
But it remains. It's my cross to bear.
It's my venom, the snake I have become.

The darkness does not shelter me now.
Outside.
The warm sun bites into me.
It knows what I have done.
It does not forgive.

I cannot look at the Light.
I search for the darkness.
Just a spot. Just one spot.
But there is none to see.
It is inside the Light.

The caskets are lowered to the ground.
To the earth. To the darkness.
I envy them now, though
I shouldn't.

Am I cold-blooded?
A beast?
But I feel warm.
Should I be happy? Should I be sad?
The heart of this monster still beats.
But for how long?