HIGHER GROUND : HOW I GOT SENT TO HORIZON

Author : Maryline aka Miss SMG DEPP ACKLES (see my other link)

Written : September 2007

As always I own nothing…

WARNING : deals with self injury, suicide, eating disorder... Might be a trigger for the people who can relate to some of those...like me...

CHAPTER 1

The blade in her hand she was wondering what to do as she tried to avoid those tears forming in her eyes. She knew what she had to do but she hated it. She had no chance, at least that's what she thought, she needed it. She rolled up her sleeve and shut her eyes as she violently cut her skin with that blade, a few times. The blood quickly followed and fell on the ground. She opened her eyes to look at the mess she had done once again. She watched the blood leaving her body like it was all the bad leaving her, the bad and the anger, fear, sadness, pain, hurt, everything including her mother, everything she's always done or said. Soon, she felt that well known feeling of release and pain. Physical pain to get rid of the emotional one. Such a different pain, a good one. A physical pain to soothe the emotional one, to soothe her. For a short moment she knew she would feel good and relaxed. After contemplating her mess she dropped the blade and shut her eyes to enjoy the new feelings, those she had been looking for, those she needed. She knew that nobody could understand that, and just what was "that" ? She didn't know herself. She would never confide in anyone but keep everything to herself. It's better that way anyway, I don't want to bother anyone with my stupid things, she thought.

Though she had forgotten something this time, she had made a big mistake; she had forgotten to lock the door. She had been in such a big hurry to cut herself after what her mother once again told her that she had completely forgotten about the door. Now she was there laying in the bathroom eyes shut trying to 'enjoy' that feeling of relief as she didn't hear someone knocking on her bathroom door. The door violently opened and she opened her eyes as she heard a scream. Her mother was standing there shocked, in panic.

Nicky, still 'stoned', just smiled at her. Maybe to say "here, look what you do to me" or just because she was happy someone finally found her, nobody could tell.

Nicky was 16, had a little sister, divorced parents. She always felt so alone, never really talked to anyone, always kept it all inside mainly because her parents only had attention and time for her sister. She had become invisible and she was hurt, so hurt inside. The way she was treated everyday, it was too much, all those things she had been keeping inside for so long. All the verbal attacks, how her parents would bring her down everyday, calling her stupid, good at nothing, just a burden… She felt so rejected, unloved, unwanted…

And that gross food she hated, the way she looked, she hated everything about herself.

She had no control over her parents, over the way they were treating her, making her feel bad, but she had found a few ways to gain control, control things about herself. Like the amount of food she would keep in, the way she could take her anger out on herself, where nobody would see as she couldn't get mad at others or cry because it's 'bad' as she'd always been told and 'only babies cry'. So hurting herself was the only thing she could do, the only way she found to get some relief. What else could I do anyway ? I wish I was dead !

Her mother had never been bright about making the right decisions and certainly not about her daughter but this time maybe she made the right one.

That day she had made some research about some places for her daughter, where she could get help. She knew she couldn't handle this, did she even want to try ?

Later on that day…

"Nicky, I have no other choice but send you to Horizon and" her mother started.

"What's that all about ?" Nicky angrily asked not ready for her new mom's attack.

"Did you forget already that a few hours ago I found you bleeding in the bathroom after you cut yourself ?" her mother added.

Oh I thought it was all a bad dream, Nicky thought. She would sometimes confuse daydreams and reality.

"I don't know what to do with you anymore" her so dear mother said.

"Right, I'm so far from being the perfect little daughter, I'm not my sister, right ?" Nicky said angrier, the need of self harming building up once again inside her.

"It's not about…"

"It is", Nicky said almost in tears, "You just want to get rid of me".

Don't worry if that's what you want that's what you'll get, she thought knowing that she would never get to that Horizon place as she didn't want to. She was planning on killing herself before that. She didn't want anyone to make decisions for her. She could never decide anything and it had to end now !

Nicky went back to her bedroom ignoring her mother yelling at her. But she followed and violently rushed inside.

"Pack your things we are leaving tomorrow afternoon!"

You can count on that, she thought angry and scared.

As her mother went back downstairs Nicky went to the bathroom to have a look at herself in the mirror. Disgusting, fat, ugly… Water running in the sink she pushed two fingers in the back of her throat and made herself through up. She gained some control back that way and wanted to burst into tears. Why does she hate me so much ? What have I done ? She was getting tired after today's events and fell asleep.

The next morning her mother quickly packed Nicky's things as she hadn't done anything herself.

"I'm going to work for an hour" her mother said, "I need to pick up some things so I can then work some here after you're at Mount Horizon. See what you did ? Because of you I'll have to take some time off to settle everything. You are such a burden. When will you stop ?"

You don't want me I know it, you never did. My sister lives with dad and she is so lucky ! Why did you have to force me to stay with you if you hate me so much ?

Nicky was feeling so bad, hurt. As soon as her mother left the house she knew she had no choice. She didn't want to go to that Horizon place and she didn't want to be here anymore either. Everyday she wished she would go to sleep and never wake up again! Every morning she was sad she was still breathing.

Now she'd had enough !

She went to grab a bottle of vodka downstairs and found her secret place where she hides some meds, painkillers and diet pills. She swallowed 3 painkillers with big sips of vodka.

She soon started to feel different, better, light headed. Then she went back upstairs.

In the bathroom she quickly found her razorblade. She looked at herself and threw her fist in the mirror to break the image she saw. She was burning inside. Eyes shut she knew this would be worse and at the same time better than cutting, this was it, the end, the end of all suffering, the ultimate release. She didn't want to make a mess so she stood over the sink. Without thinking she slid her left wrist, she felt it, she knew the cut was deep, she hoped it was enough. But 'just in case' she decided to inflict the same treatment to the other one. She didn't feel that much, she was kind of numb. Must be the pills, she thought. She didn't really realize what was happening, it seemed like a daydream, she fell on the floor...

PLEASE READ AND REVIEW, I WILL ADD MORE SOON, THANKS !