AN - This is a piece of writing I wrote for my Mum, the first piece of my writing of mine she has ever read, and it's loosely based on my own experience's as a child and it was my Mum who told me to publish it. I have based it on Sam and the relationship she has with her Mother and I hope you all enjoy to read it as well. I know it has been a while since I last updated but I am planning to try and get back into the writing if possible as I am feeling a lot better after going threw a very hard time in my life with the help of two people my best friend and my mum. If you have the time please R&R, Thanks x

I never really stopped thinking about my childhood, about what happened and why they happened? I wasn't sure back then and I blamed one person and that person never needed to take the blame, because it wasn't her fault, it wasn't my Mother the woman who gave me life and made me who I am today and yet ever since I can remember I took all the anger and hurt out on her I blamed her for everything, I blamed her for when my Father left us to fend for ourselves alone with out a home just me my mother and older brother, we were alone and had no where to go. But she never gave up on us, everything she ever did in life was for us too and all I ever did was blame her for ruining my life when in fact she gave me the life I have now and now I wish I could undo the past say I'm sorry and hope for forgiveness but then I ran, as soon as I was old enough, I booked a one way ticket from our small home town and never looked back.

But after a unexpected chain of events here I am, lying in bed in a coma, doing the only 2 things possible thinking and listening, I hear the same boring lifeless expressions of the nurses and doctors when they come in to check on me. After leaving the small town I am from leaving my family and just went off on my own to see where life would take me never stopping to get close to anyone for the fear I would lose them but here I am and I hate to admit it but there is only one person I want and that person is my mother, but its unlikely she will come save me now. Its been 10 years since I have been on the go never looking back not caring what was going on, I left the small town at 18 and left behind my childhood.

"Sam, It's okay baby girl, I'm here for you and I'm going no where" I heard a voice say the voice I never thought I would hear, she's here, She's always been so strong, taking everything as it comes and never letting anything get the better of her.

"I Love you Samantha, don't you dare leave me again, I need you" She said and I could hear the emotion in her voice. "Just open your eye's it will be okay" She begged me over and over again, but how will it be okay after everything I ever did so her after all the blame and the bullying she stood by me and ever night when she thought I was in bed she would tell me she loves me, but how can she? All I did was hurt her. I never really thought about it much but the truth is I love her too and why did I do it why did I hurt her she didn't need it she had enough with out me doing what I did as well and I can't take this anymore, I want to go home and I want to be there for my mother, she's not getting any younger and now it's my turn to step up and look after her, like she looked after me.

Here you are stood by my side again, the same story as last, I ended up in here and you where there like every time when I was younger, even before I called you, you knew what had happened, just like you could sense it, you could tell when I was in need of my Mum but then as soon as I was out of the hospital I just packed a bag and left for weeks on end before turning up at home for a few day's you would try to get me to talk to be able to help me and all I did was hurt you and leave, it was the same story time after time and I can't let that happen anymore when I left 10 years ago I left without a second glance without a goodbye without anything it was the last bullet I had and I left your heart bleeding, and wanting me home but this time I wasn't coming back. I didn't need to. or want to, I couldn't not after all the pain I caused, this was my new life, a doctor in an emergency department risking her life for the fun of it but look where that got me, lying in this bed unable to move or even communicate I don't know if I want to open my eyes and carry on, maybe this is how it's meant to be. Is this the end?

You where always there through thick and thin but I couldn't see that I was too blinded by the way life had treated me, and when you needed me the most I just added to the tears and left you without an explanation without a place to go, I wanted to help you but I couldn't because every time I saw the hurt in your eye's I knew I had caused it and I couldn't take that and I don't know if I will be able to know or not but I need you Mum and I love you, why can't I tell her that, why is it so hard to admit, I never could which is why I just ignored her and was never around because then I didn't need to talk to her as I wasn't there I was able to be myself and be free but yet as much as I wanted to do that, I know what I want more and that's my Mum and now she's here next to me in tears once again and its my fault again, but can I really open my eye as she begs or would it be better to keep them closed. I want to be there for my Mum like she was for me but is that what she wants? I don't know right from wrong, I never have done and it scares me.

If I said sorry it would never be enough there is nothing I can do to take it all away to change the past the things I said the things I did, they are there and I can't take that, If I woke and opened my eyes would you give me the time to make it up to you, because if you would, I would be there for you, looking out for you and keeping you safe like you did for me, I know it doesn't seem much but I can never take away what I did and I will have to live with that and maybe I can't, Maybe It will be to much and I will run again and leave you once more, why can't I trust myself to stay somewhere and be the person I am meant to be. I find it so easy to treat a patient but as soon as it comes to my family I freeze, I don't know what to say or do and like a deer in the headlights I run.

I want to be there again never leave you again but how is that possible? when the flight or flight always tells me to run and maybe that's what I'm doing now lying in this bed I am running from all my fears and leaving this world behind me. NO! That's not what I am going to do, I am going to let my Mum know I am still here and I'm not going anywhere, I have been lying in this bed for 4 weeks now with my Mum by my side everyday telling me to fight and if she can still do it after everything then so can I.

I start focus on my eye's can I open them, Do I still know how to? I focus on my breathing I know I'm not breathing for myself so I go back to my eye's they are heavy, really heavy, I tried to open them but nothing happened, I tried again and again until I felt a little flicker, Okay so I have done it once I can do it again, surely? I tried again and I slowly lifted my eye lids and the light was bright in here and I wanted to close my eye's again but I couldn't, I needed to keep them open, I blinked a few times trying to get used to the feeling and I looked around the room, full of machine's and wires but next to my bed there was a figure, one I had never forgotten, my mother and she was sleeping, I wounder what the time is or just how much sleep she has had since she was there, waiting for me to open my eye's I could feel the smile pulling at the corner of my lips and the tears forming in my eye's. She's really here and so am I now, and I'm not going anywhere. I would spend a life time saying sorry if I had to for all the pain I caused. Unable to speak I needed to try something else to get my Mum's attention. I noticed her hand around mine so I put all the energy I had into my hands and gently squeezed my Mum's she stirred but just turned and faced the other way, I squeezed again putting as much force as I could into it.

"Samantha?" She questioned as she blinked a few times and looked at me. I couldn't keep the tears in and longer and just let them roll down my face, She let go of my hand and embraced me into a hug before letting go and whipping the tears. I could see the joy in her eyes that I was still here and it was so nice to see much better then the pain that plagued them for all those years and she was still there no matter what and still is now. I don't know how I had stayed mad for so long but I am ready to put that behind me if she is and be here to help. I love my Mum and I just want to tell her that. but I can't right now not until I am off this ventilator. My Mum smiled before walking to the door and calling in a doctor. He started to do the necessary checks on me before removing all the certain machines he could get away with moving. I was so scared, I just took hold of my Mum's hand and never let it go, I need her and that won't change, I always did I was just angry to admit it, but not anymore.

I have sent my Mum to hell and back just to take it out on her and blaming her for everything but I am going to change my ways, admit I was wrong and be there to help her from now on, I am not hurting the most important person in the world anymore. If I could go back in time I would but It's not possible so for now I beg for her forgiveness.

"I love you, Mum and I need you. If you can find it in your heart to forgive me, I will be there for you, I will come home and look after you. I won't fight anymore and if I could erase the pain and start again I would but all I can do is ask for your forgiveness and try to shape the future as best I can and not let you hurt anymore, I love you so much Mum" I croaked.

"Samantha, I love you and all the pain was worth it knowing that one day you would see sense and that day is today, of course I forgive you and you don't need to be sorry, or erase the pain, its the past that makes us who we are today and Samantha I wouldn't have you any another way and if you want to come home I am not going to stop you." She replied brushing the hair from my face and kissing my forehead.

I went to talk to her but I couldn't get any words out and just started to cough.

"It's okay darling you can talk to me later but for now just rest and try not to speak" My Mum told me smiling and tracing patterns on the back of my hand for comfort.

"Samantha you need to listen to your mother but can you tell me, are you in any pain?" Mr Jordan asked.

"I'm sore all over" I croaked and he nodded.

"That's understandable I can organize you some pain relief" He said as he walked out of the room and I nodded.

I had only been awake a few hours just lying in the company of my Mum as she read me my favorite childhood story, Alice's Adventures in wonderland. She used to read it to me every night as a child and I would always want more but she used to get fed up of reading the same story so she made up a version for me and it was all about me and the place's my imagination would take me to, She often things that's why I have such a free soul and to the fact that when I was 4 we where just wanderers, spending the night where ever we could, but I grow up to be a horrible girl and taking everything out on her and I wish I hadn't but until I perfect the time machine we will have to live with the past and hope she can forgive me, I need her too and if it takes a lifetime then it takes a life time but as long as I have her there to help me and get me threw the day like I will be there to help her and get her threw the day what more could we need, we have each other again and I need to keep my feet from wondering away and walking out of her life again. I need her so much and I will never leaver her again I am always going to be right by her side and make it okay.

I am never going to leave here side again and as long as she forgives me I will be able to try and live for the future instead.

"Just remember Mum, I am here for you now and forever no matter what happens to either of us, I love you" I told her.

"I know you are and so will I be, now try to get some sleep my gorgeous little girl, I love you too" My mum replied kissing my cheek and I felt my self drift off to the land of nod where hopefully for the first time since I left I will dream again.