Inside The Mind Of Edward Cullen
by CrazyBlueFlamingo
Rating: T
Summary: Peek inside our favorite vampire's mind. Crackfic
Warnings: MAJOR INSANITY. FREAKY PARINGS. ETC. You've been warned
Pairings: EdwardxBella EdwardxJacob JacobxA Rock JasperxEdward EdwardxHair
A/N: CinderellaAtTheball and I have recently read some fanfics like this, and we've decided to make our own. This fanfic contains a lot of randomness. We did this when we had nothing better to do. Flames will make us laugh. Enjoy! Hoseki-sama gave us the lines '"Edward, are you promiscuously bisexual?" Carlisle thinks I'm promiscuously bisexual.'
Disclaimer: So...we do not own Twilight or it's characters, Hannah Montana, Roger the abusive rock (srry, chapter 4 spoiler), Claires' pink nail polish, hair growth formula of any kind, and anything else in here that you think we don't own and are planning on suing for...WE DON'T OWN NOTHING BUT THE RANDOMNESS!
Emmett thinks Esme shaves.
He's wrong.
I'm gonna tell him so
--
Emmett hit me.
Now I have to go and ask Esme if she shaves.
That would mean that she's hairy.
--
Jacob is hairy.
He is a sexy werewolf.
Bella is okay…but she's not hairy.
--
I wonder if Alice is hairy.
I shall look and see.
--
Nope. That's good.
Hairiness is the definition of masculinity.
If women were hairy, that would just be awkward.
--
Yesterday, Bella and I watched High School Musical. She thinks "Zafron is spicy!"
I wonder how much her TV costs….
--
Maybe I can blame it on Jacob.
"I'm too sexy for this crime. Too sexy for this crime. So Sexy it hurts!"
"Shut up, Jacob!"
--
Damn. He's right. He is to sexy to got to jail.
I wonder if the serve pancakes in jail. Hmmm…
I like pancakes. I like Bella when she eats pancakes.
--
Bella won't shut up about how spicy Zafron is.
I think she's drunk.
--
Speaking of High School Musical, I think Gabriella's hot.
You hear that Bella?
I said "hot"
Bella is advancing on me with a spork. I'll be going now.
RUN AWAY, RUN AWAY!!
--
Today I went online.
I discovered who's playing me in the movie.
Wow. He's hot.
But he doesn't look hairy.
That's not fair.
I'm hairy!
Wait! I'm NOT!
Carlisle, make me hairy!
--
POOF
"Not HARRY POTTER you idiot! I mean HAIRY! Like fur, like…Jacob!"
"Edward, are you promiscuously bisexual?"
Carlisle thinks I'm promiscuously bisexual.
I think he's delusional.
--
I finally asked Esme if she shaved.
She hit me.
I told her Emmett made me.
She believed me.
Now Emmett is in the dog house
--
I wonder if Jacob has a dog house.
I'll bet he would be real sexy in his dog house.
--
Oh no.
--
I am promiscuously bisexual.
What would Bella say?
--
"Edward, how could you? And with Jacob too!"
"Shut up, Bella. You are not hairy."
"I shave my legs!"
--
Shocking.
I like Bella now.
--
I suddenly feel all warm and fuzzy inside.
Stupid Jasper.
What is he thinking?
--
Oh. My. Lord.
Jasper is thinking dirty thoughts about me! That's not right! He's not hairy!
Curse him to the fiery pit of Hades.
Wait, I don't believe in Hades.
--
I've got it.
"Jasper! Curse you to Alice's closet!"
"Yay! I will get to see her change!"
"…"
--
Jasper is a pervert.
He's hiding in Alice's closet.
Because I told him to.
--
Carlisle made me build a new dog house.
For Jasper.
Alice caught him in her closet.
--
"Jasper came out of the closet! Jasper came out of the closet! Jasper came out of the closet!"
"Edward, why are you dancing around my room with my panties on your head?"
"…"
--
Bella caught me.
Good thing I'm so god damn sexy.
My sexiness saved me.
"Edward! Where are you, you sexy vampire?"
"Go away, Bella!"
--
I am in Bella's closet.
She is stalking me.
Maybe I'm too sexy.
--
"Is it possible to be too sexy?"
"Yes, Edward. I am!"
--
Carlisle should go see someone.
He has a bad habit of jumping out in weird places.
"No I don't!"
--