The disclaimer telling all of you that I don't own any Archer characters is in a meeting. This is just some ramblings from my tiny little mind.
Krieger Don't Give Me Flowers
"Item One…" Mallory began the meeting in the bullpen of the Figgis Agency. "This concerns the whole Barry the Bionic Bastard incident."
"Oh joy," Archer quipped as he took a drink. "My gunshot wounds still haven't healed."
"If one thing has been made painfully clear by that experience," Mallory gave her son a withering look. "Other than your collective incompetence of course…Is that we have made a few enemies over the years."
"A few?" Pam snorted. "There are so many people that are pissed at us they could throw a convention in Lambeau Field! And still need the parking lot for extra room!"
"I think the smart thing to do is to make a list of our enemies and people who might want to settle a score with us," Lana spoke up. "Particularly you and Archer."
"You mean besides the people in this office?" Ray quipped.
"Oh har, de, hardy, har, har…" Archer said sarcastically. "That is so…"
"Accurate?" Cyril quipped.
"Well after Barry comes the other bionic bitch in our life," Mallory grumbled.
"Right back at you," Ray glared at her.
"I was talking about the other bionic bitch!" Mallory snapped. "Katya?"
"Oh right," Ray remembered.
"The head of the god damn KGB," Mallory groaned.
"I don't think we have to worry about her," Archer said. "Katya would never hurt me."
"I wouldn't be so sure Sterling," Mallory frowned. "I've heard intelligence reports that she was the one behind the whole Albanian Ambassador's assassination."
"Which officially put us on the State Department's shit list," Lana added.
"Yeah but we're not in the spy game anymore," Archer said. "She has no reason to go after us."
"He's right," Ray added. "Especially when there are so many other people with a lot of reasons to go after us!"
"Like the State Department," Lana added. "And the CIA…"
"ODIN," Archer added.
"The countries of Durhan and Albania," Cyril groaned. "As well as Columbia and San Marcos."
"The Irish Mob, Portuguese Mob, Russian Mob and the Yakuza," Pam added. "As well as the Camorra and the regular mob."
"Trudy Beekman," Cheryl spoke up. "You know? Because she hates Ms. Archer and is such a bitch."
"Valarie," Lana added. "Another bitch."
"Dr. Sklodowska was pretty pissed at us too," Pam added. "Remember? She threated to kill us all because we accidentally killed her boyfriend. And destroyed his invention."
"Conway Stern," Archer added.
"I almost forgot about him," Lana winced.
"How do you almost forget about a man whose hands you ripped off?" Cyril asked.
"It's not like he's the only one!" Lana protested.
"Oh that's right," Archer remembered. "We have to add the Mexican Drug cartels. And not just because of our failed cocaine cartel."
"If Juliana's alive she's probably got an axe to grind against us," Cheryl spoke up. "Which is good because I'd love to grind an axe against her face."
"Those pirates in the South Pacific," Ray added. "As well as every husband of all the women Archer banged while he was a bartender."
"That last one kind of worries me a little," Archer admitted. "They're a pretty angry group. Those guys have their own website and everything by now."
"I'm also a little worried about the surviving members of that biker gang we messed with," Ray added.
"You know those guys are probably holding a grudge," Krieger nodded. "Not to mention anyone who has ever worked for us in the past. Well the ones that are still alive anyway."
"I think it might be easier to write a list of people who don't have a grudge against us," Lana groaned. "And shorter."
"You have a point," Mallory groaned. "Let's move on to Item Two shall we?"
"There's an Item Two?" Archer groaned.
"There's always an Item Two when Ms. Archer runs these meetings," Pam rolled her eyes.
"And an Item Three, and Item Four…" Cheryl went on. "And an Item Bazillion Boring…"
"How many items are on your stupid list this time?" Archer snapped.
"There are exactly…" Mallory gave him a look. "Shut up! Item Two…"
"Just give us a freaking number!" Cheryl rolled her eyes. "How hard is that?"
"How hard is it for you to shut up?" Mallory shouted.
"If you have to ask that question after all these years…" Ray remarked.
"Mallory just get on with it," Lana sighed. "Because you know this group doesn't exactly have the greatest attention span."
"I'm sorry are we talking about something?" Krieger blinked.
Mallory let out a breath of frustration. "Item Two…You idiots got rid of the truck right? There is no way it can be connected to us."
"What truck?" Krieger blinked.
"The truck Mother carjacked…Or is it truck-jacked?" Archer blinked. "Which is correct?"
"I think they're both technically correct," Cyril said.
"But it was a truck not a car," Ray pointed out.
"It's still a vehicle and under California law…" Cyril began.
"Will you idiots stop fighting over semantics and tell me you disposed of the truck!" Mallory interrupted.
"Relax Mrs. Archer," Pam waved. "I took care of it. I left it at that biker place Archer trashed. So if the cops do track it down those guys will get arrested. Again."
"Are you sure you didn't leave any fingerprints?" Mallory asked.
"Oh my God relax!" Pam rolled her eyes. "I used to drag race for the Yakuza. You think all those cars I used were mine? Trust me! I've done this hundreds of times before."
"Fine," Mallory sighed. "Item Three…"
"BORING!" Cheryl called out and then made snoring noises.
"Now I know how a substitute teacher feels!" Mallory groaned. "Item Three…"
"The Free Quebec Separatist group!" Archer blurted.
"What?" Mallory snapped.
"That's another group of people that we might probably want to look out for," Archer said. "If we ever go to Canada again."
"Are we still banned from Canada?" Ray asked.
"Honestly the last time we were I was able to sneak in without any problem so…" Archer began.
"ITEM THREE!" Mallory shouted. "I am sick of watching you slackers sit around and do nothing all day! This is a workplace! Not former spy daycare! When you come here I expect you to work!"
"What work?" Archer snapped. "We don't have any clients! We can't investigate anything unless we get a client!"
"Then go look for clients!" Mallory snapped. "Or pretend to do some kind of work! Just do something other than sitting in your seats drowning in your own drool! Just do something!"
"Actually we do have a client of sorts," Cyril spoke up. "Krieger you want to take it from here…?"
"Oh yes!" Krieger grinned. "Be right back!" He ran out of the room.
"Krieger is our client?" Archer asked skeptically. "You do know his fake money system isn't real right?"
"Obviously now!" Mallory groaned. "But believe it or not Krieger has come up with something."
"Oh I believe Krieger has come up with something," Archer said. "It's the stuff he comes up with that worries me."
"He says he'll share the profits with us," Cyril said.
"I'm going to hold payment on my brand new mansion until I know exactly what scam he's come up with this time," Ray said dryly.
"Here we go!" Krieger brought in a pot with some exotic looking purple, pink and blue flowers. "My newest creation!"
"You mean your newest abomination," Mallory grumbled as she got a drink.
"They look like lilies," Lana said.
"They are lilies," Krieger said. "I call them Krieger of the Valley."
"I have to admit they are beautiful," Lana remarked. "But what do flowers have to do with our next assignment?"
"There's an international flower show going on tomorrow," Krieger said. "And one of the categories is new designer flowers! I know my Krieger of the Valley can win easily!"
"Wait they actually have a category for genetically designed flowers?" Pam said.
"They do," Krieger said. "There was a vigorous write in from the scientific community."
"How much is the prize?" Lana asked.
"Ten thousand dollars," Krieger told them. "And that's just for that one category alone! I could enter them in the Best Lilly Competition. Best Scented Flower. Best Use of the Color Pink in a Flower. Best in Show…All I have to do is win one! And then I can sell the seeds under the label of a champion flower!"
"People do pay good money for high quality flowers," Pam admitted.
"So why can't Krieger just drive his own plants in his own van?" Archer asked.
"The Rush Van is undergoing some repairs," Krieger shrugged. "Anyway I figured if I said the Figgis Agency helped me…Easy publicity!"
"And an easy way to make some money," Cyril said. "So Archer you're handling this one."
"Are you out of your freaking mind Cyril?" Archer yelled at Cyril. "And even as the words came out of my mouth…"
"Archer this is an assignment!" Cyril snapped. "A very lucrative one I might add!"
"And an easy one," Pam said. "What's the problem?"
"It's a delivery!" Archer snapped. "You want me to drop off some stupid flowers? Last I checked this was a detective agency! Not a florist!"
"It's an easy chance to make real money!" Cyril protested.
"It's a waste of my talents!" Archer fumed. "I'm too good to be demoted to a delivery boy!"
"No, you're not," Cyril said.
"Cyril this is just like those stupid courier assignments the CIA used to give out!" Archer snapped.
"Which Archer totally screwed up," Lana pointed out. "Every single one."
"Good point," Cyril thought. "Okay Archer you don't have to do this. I'll give this job to Ray."
"Oh how appropriate," Mallory said dryly. "The fruit delivering…"
Just then the lilies seemed to open their petals into mouths with teeth. They snatched the drink glass out of Mallory's hand. "HEY! MY STUBEND!" Mallory shouted. "And my scotch!"
"Oh," Krieger blinked. "That should not do that."
The Lillies then began to chomp and eat the glass. "I lose so many Stubends in so many stupid ways…" Mallory groaned.
"KILLER PLANT!" Ray screamed.
Before anyone could stop him he grabbed the vase and smashed it on the ground. He started tearing at the plant wildly. "Ray! What are you doing?" Krieger gasped as Ray took out a penknife from his pockets.
"DIE!" Ray stabbed the lilies wildly. "DIE! DIE! DIE!"
"I think he's saving us from a lawsuit that's what he's doing," Archer said calmly.
"How can you be so calm about this?" Krieger snapped.
"Well for one thing the scotch has a good kick," Archer took another sip from his glass. "And second at least this saves me from a delivery job. Besides it's not like we didn't know something like this would happen again."
"What do you mean?" Krieger asked. "Oh wait… You mean Ray hates killer plants because one took his hand and nearly killed him?"
"WHAT DO YOU THINK?" Ray shouted as he stood up. The destroyed remains of the plant were on the floor.
"Well this was another well thought out plan Krieger," Mallory rolled her eyes.
"Don't you think I have enough neurosis and nightmares without you adding to them?" Ray snapped.
"At least this time Gillette did something useful and stopped a potential lawsuit and science fiction horror movie rip off," Mallory groaned.
"Why are you always on his side?" Krieger pouted.
"I'M NEVER ON HIS SIDE!" Mallory snapped. "Except in this case! Krieger what the hell were you thinking?"
"You almost turned this agency into a remake of Little Shop of Horrors!" Cyril snapped.
"Isn't that the nickname for Krieger's Lab?" Cheryl quipped.
"Hey lucky Ray was able to lend a…" Pam began.
She was stopped by Ray glaring at her. "Don't…say it," Ray snarled. "Unless you want the remains of Audrey Three stuffed down your throat!"
Wisely for once Pam decided not to push her luck. "Uh…On my…"
"PAM!" Archer barked.
"Tits?" Pam added. "Hand?"
Ray gave Archer a look. "Shall we?"
"After you," Archer motioned. "I insist."
"Uh oh," Pam gulped. She ran off with Ray and Archer chasing her. Then they started to chase Krieger around as well.
"Hey!" Cheryl shouted. "I don't want to be left out of the beating!"
"Beating Pam or Krieger or on being on the receiving end?" Cyril sighed.
"Either is good," Cheryl admitted before she joined in the chase.
"And another meeting ends in a typical disaster," Mallory groaned.
"And you wonder why we hate them," Lana sighed.