My clothes smell like cigarettes and they used to smell like you
If you ever wanted to find my sister Kathryn you really didn't have to go far, her recent place to hide out was a small pub at the end of Lily Loveless' parent's road. She doesn't think I know where she goes at night, she always makes out she's off to see one of her many friends but she can't fool me. I know Kat better then anyone and I can see the pain and sadness in her eyes and as much as we make out we hate each other seeing her like this is killing me slowly. These nightly routines all begun after our 18th birthday bash when Kat had a little bit too much to drink and had told Lily how she really felt. Kat didn't realise I was literally a metre behind her when this confession was given to the Loveless. I knew Kat had fallen hard for Lily, they were inseparable on set and off set but when Kat found out that Lily had a boyfriend the closeness began to fall apart. Once season 3 had finished Kat hardly mentioned Lily but I knew she missed her and I was one that invited her to our birthday. Right now I'm wishing I hadn't because thinking back I think Kat was accepting Lily was straight and was starting to let her go from her heart. So these nightly routines could be seen as my fault, I made my sisters heart break more then I've ever seen it break before. At the party Kat seemed happy to see Lily and it was nice to see them laughing and mucking about with the camera. Seriously you should have seen them, I mean myspace poses are so last year, but this was the first time I had seen Kathryn smile since season 3 had ended.
So the confession happened about ten past one in the morning I was drunk, I mean it was our 18th but I was no way as drunk as Kat and Lily. I remember Lily gave Kat a 'birthday kiss' I think Kat took this the wrong way and thinking about it now it was mean of Lily to do that as she must of known Kat fancied her. I mean it was obvious, everyone used to say it even Jack would make comments about it so Lily must of known. Anyways after they locked lips Kat said " Lily I love you know" and Lily responded with " I love you to KittyKat" hearing Lily use Kats nickname made my heart clench so you can imagine what it did to Kat's. "No I really do, I wish we could be together like Naomi and Emily" hearing this made my heart sink, I knew she was going to get shot down I mean Lily has a boyfriend and has made it very clear she was straight. Lily took ages to respond and when she did I wanted to punch her but I didn't want Kat to find out I had been listening. Lily picked up her bag and said "I'm sorry Kat I'm straight I love you as a friend I always will but that's it. I better go, I'm sorry. Happy Birthday Kat take care of your self" and then she walked off leaving Kat watching her leave with tears streaming down her face.
From then every night Kat would go to the pub, which was Lily's Local, I don't know why she went there. I think it gives her comfort being close to Lily or maybe she was hoping Lily would come in and they could talk. But what I do know is that this routine Kat has got herself into isn't healthy, she needs to let Lily go, I mean its been a month now and Lily hasn't tried to contact Kat at all. We start filming in a week, for Kat's sake I hope the writers have broken Emily and Naomi up and given Emily a new girlfriend because I know doing scenes with Lily is going to kill Kat.
Its 2.15am and Kat finally creeps into the house, she stinks of cigarettes I once heard her saying to a mate she was trying to get rid of Lily's smell on her clothes. I was sitting on the sofa, which has become my nightly routine, waiting for my broken hearted sister to return. I hadn't slept properly for 4 weeks now, I can't sleep till Kat's home, it sounds stupid I know but I worry she's going to hurt herself. Every night she would look in the living room see me, smile and say thank you and then would head to bed. Twins are said to have a connection and I believe we do, Kat would say thank you because she knew the reason I was up was to look out for her. Tonight was different she didn't smile she collapsed in my arms and burst into tears. I stroked her hair and tried to stop the tears falling down my own face, I rocked her back and fourth like a baby until the crying calmed down. She looked up at me with mascara smudged eyes "I saw them I saw them" She didn't have to say anything else I knew she meant Lily and her boyfriend, I kissed her on the forehead and told her it was time to let her go. She nodded and let the tears roll down her cheeks, she cried herself to sleep. I pulled the blanked on the back of the sofa over us and fell asleep holding my sister tight, like we did for the first years of our lives.
Waking up with Kat in my arms took me back to our childhood. I had many memories of me climbing into Kat's bed when I was scared of the dark, or of a monster or if I felt sick. She was always there to protect me, even though we're twins she always felt like my big sister. She always did everything first; she was the first to sit up, to crawl, to walk, to talk, to kick a football, to play 3 blind mice on the recorder, to style her hair, to get an A in school, the list is endless. One incident I remember was in year 5 when the boys were making fun of me because of my lisp and she was there to protect me, hit one of the boys right in the face. She is my big sister (by 3 minutes) and I love her. Now looking at her curled up in a foetus shape, with mascara down her face sucking her thumb made me realise I had to play the protector this time. It was my time to be the big sister.
It wasn't until a couple of years ago when I actually did something first and that was kiss a boy and call him my boyfriend. Kat has never had a boyfriend and up until the summer she went to drama school I didn't think anything of it. But that summer changed everything and it was all to do with a particular girl called Lily Loveless. I didn't want to do the drama school thing, I wanted to hang out with my boyfriend all summer instead. I remember the first day Kat got back, all she would go on about was her new friend Lily. Weeks went by and I didn't really think anything of it until dad asked her how Lily was and Kat went as red as a tomato, literally. After dinner that night I asked Kat if something was going on with Lily, which she laughed off. Weeks went by and she was fooling everyone but me that Lily was just a friend. I knew Kat was falling for her and I didn't care, I just wish she told me. After summer school had finished something changed in Kat, it was as if she had accepted that she was gay. Lily was never mentioned again but Kat told me she liked girls instead of boys. I told her it didn't change anything, I still loved her and asked if Lily was her girlfriend. I remember the look she gave me and all she said was. "She's straight." Kat had a few girlfriends after that but nothing serious, it was almost like she was holding on to someone, waiting for them to come back.
It took me ages to twig that Lily was the same Lily from drama school when we first started filming season three. They became inseparable and everyone used to talk about it. Lisa always use to ask me if Kat and Lily were dating. Made me laugh how everyone could see the chemistry between them apart from them. I knew my sister better then anyone and I could tell she fancied Lily but when the truth about Lily's boyfriend came out I knew this effected Kat because they were hardly seen together off set anymore. Kat kept away and the sparkle in her eyes disappeared.
Looking down at her now I can tell how much Lily has effected her, she always used to suck her thumb when she was little, it was her way of telling people she was upset. I want to know what happened last night, I mean did Kat just see Lily and her boyfriend and leave or did Lily say something to Kat or worse did the boyfriend get involved? I don't want to cause her more pain I'll just wait and see if she tells me but I will be protecting my sister throughout filming. There is no way I'm letting Lily hurt her anymore, she needs to leave her alone so Kat can heal. Wish she saw her 4 weeks ago, I mean she's been going to that pub every night and she sees her a week before we start shooting, doesn't really give Kat time to move on. I don't want to wake her, this is the first night she's gotten a proper nights sleep. I gently reach across to a book I've been reading and read silently holding my broken hearted sister in my arms.
Ok so Kat's upstairs having a shower, I'm having to hold myself back because right now I want to go knock on the Loveless's door and let her know how much damage she's caused. It was heart wrenching when Kat finally woke up around lunchtime, thankfully are parents are away this weekend so at least no awkward conversations with the parents were needed. At first Kat said nothing and I didn't want to push but then she told me everything and I mean everything. I'm gob smacked right now; I never imagined she'd tell me what she did.
Ok so here goes; last night wasn't the first time she saw Lily but it was the first time she'd seen Lily and the boyfriend. You see what I didn't know was after the birthday confession Lily had rung Kat and asked her to meet her at the pub, looking back now I know exactly when that was because that was the start of the nightly routines. That night Lily had confessed to Kat that it had been killing her everyday since she walked away from her the night of her birthday. She said how she was feeling lost and confused and even though she had a boyfriend her mind was always thinking about Kat. When she told me this, my mouth was literally catching flies, I guess I was wrong Kat can fool me. After the confession apparently Lily leaned in and kissed Kat and asked if they could take it slow. Ok so here's the part that makes me want to go round and punch the blonde. Lily told Kat she was going to break it up with her boyfriend and Kat believed her. So every night they would meet and it was like they were together. Kat said she loved her, told me she had really fallen hard and she wanted to tell me but Lily had told her to keep it a secret. I was angry at this point, every night had been sat up worrying about her and she was out there playing happy girlfriends. However what Kat told me next took my anger away from Kat and onto Lily.
It was getting too much for Kat to keep it a secret and she hated that she was only allowed to see Lily at night. So the pain I had seen in her eyes was real but just a different type of pain then I expected. Kat told Lily this last week and Lily apparently said she wasn't ready to be official, especially with season 4 and all the hype over Emily and Naomi. Kat then asked if she could see her during the day and Lily said no. Apparently Lily was starting to leave her earlier and earlier every night and Kat would stay in the pub trying to understand what was going on. I know heartbreaking right? My sister doesn't deserve this, and unfortunately it gets worse. Last night when Kat was walking to the pub to meet Lily she saw this girl with her boyfriend laughing in the distance. The darkness covered who the girl was but when they walked under the lamppost the guy kissed her and Kat could clearly see it was Lily. This tore my sisters heart in pieces, Lily had told her it was over with the boyfriend and Kat was the one for her. The sneaking around and keeping it quiet, Lily had made out it was because she wasn't ready to come out yet because Kat was the first girl she'd fallen for. However the real reason was because Lily was still with her boyfriend, what that saying? She was having one's cake and eating it too?? I can't believe she did this to Kat, she truly is evil and she comes across all sweet!!! Kat burst into tears after that, she couldn't tell me anymore – I don't know how far it went, like if they slept together or not but I know Lily has shattered my sister's heart. I have never seen Kat cry so hard, she was shaking she was that upset.
I really don't know what's going to happen, I want to go round there and ask her what the hell is going on? Has she been playing my sister all along? Or has she only recently got scared and got back with the boyfriend? I mean I knew Lily always said she was straight, which is why I'm shocked at what has really been going on but like I said everyone saw the chemistry between them so maybe she got scared. They need to sort this out though before filming next week. Kat said she didn't even confront Lily she just ran off in the darkness. Grrrr I don't know what to do, I mean like I said before I need to protect my sister, right that's it I'm going to see the Loveless.
Ok so I've snuck out because Kat would kill me if she knew I was on the way to see Lily but I need to do this. Shit I can't remember what door it is, oh fuck there she is. Oh my God he must have stayed over; she's giving him a kiss goodbye, on the cheek. Grrr– he is so ugly, Kat is so much better looking - I always thought Kat and Lily looked good together. Right wish me luck, have no idea what I'm going to say to her but she needs to know she can't hurt my sister like she has.
"Lily" I shouted before she went back inside.
"Meg, um what are you doing here?"
"Surprised to see me?" I gave her my death stare
"You alright?"
"Um me yeah I'm fine but my sister on the other hand is not!" I crossed my arms and just glared at her, she looks like she has no idea what she's done wrong. Surely she must know what she's done, I just saw the mong leave.
"Kat is she ok? What's happened?"
"Don't act like you don't know what's wrong with Kat. Don't pretend you have no idea why I had to hold my sister last night and watch her cry herself to sleep. Don't make out your all innocent and sweet Lily, you might have been able to fool Kat but I'm not her." She still looks like she has no idea what's going on, am I not making myself clear?
"Lily! Kat was on the verge of hyperventilating this morning when she told me everything. How you've been meeting up at night and acting like her girlfriend. Telling her you broke up with the boyfriend! Not wanting to tell anyone about your secret meet ups and oh yeah your still with the boyfriend, which she saw you kissing last night. Didn't think you would be that much of a bitch, she was actually getting over you when you told her you were straight – she was moving on and now she's completely broken and we start filming next week!" Oh my god Lily's crying, shit did I come across too harsh?
" I'm not…"
"Your not what Lily?"
"Straight.." I am so confused right now, how can she say this after what I've just said?
"What are you talking about Lily, I just saw him leave!"
"That's not my boyfriend, he's my step brother. What exactly did Kat say she saw?"
"You kissing a guy under a lamppost"
"This is all wrong, Meg I did break up with my boyfriend – I promise! I tried calling Kat last night, after she didn't show I wanted her to meet my brother. I told her I wanted to keep it a secret because I'm scared, i've never dated a girl before plus now we're in the public eye, it makes it worse. I don't want to hurt Kat that's the last thing I'd want to do, is she at home? Can I come see her?"
"Lily are you serious you expect me to believe Kat would get that upset over your brother?"
"I am serious Meg, she must of just saw us together and put two and two together, he is not my boyfriend – up until a few minutes a go I thought I had a girlfriend." I don't know what to believe but the tears are real she looks just like Kat did last night, mascara smudged everywhere – they need to invest in some waterproof mascara.
"Ok I'll believe you for now but you have some serious damage control to do, I've never seen Kat this upset."
"So can I see her?"
"You don't have to ask my permission to see her. Lily I've wanted you to get with Kat, I've never seen her eyes light up so much as when she's around you. I invited you to our birthday because I knew how much she missed you. But Lily one question, do you really want to be with my sister?" Lily closes her eyes takes a deep breath, looks me straight in the eyes and says "Meg I love your sister." I smile at her and embrace her in a hug, holding her as her tears flow.
"Come on, Kat's probably wondering where I am. I think you need to talk to her now, tell her the truth and if it helps I know she loves you too."
"Thanks" Me and Lily walk in silence back to my house, I really hope Kat and Lily work it out, I guess I got Lily all wrong she does want to be with my sister. I know Kat really has been in love with Lily since the summer they met at drama school and in a way them being on skins is kind of like Fate bringing them back together, working its magic. We're back at mine now, Lily still looks like a panda with her mascara smudged eyes. "Kat!" "I'm upstairs!" I look at Lily "Good luck"
OK so I know I shouldn't be doing what I'm doing but they did it on Friends and it's the only way I'm gunna find out what's going on – I mean I don't want to have to wait weeks again to find out the truth. So yes I am ashamed to say it but as soon as Lily was out of sight I went to the kitchen grabbed a glass and ran up the stairs. I had to hide behind the banister because Lily hadn't quite made it through the door, she so saw I was there but didn't say anything. She knocked on the door, which Kat replied, "Meg its fine you can come into your own room" Lily bless her looked terrified, she didn't say anything instead she opened the door slightly and slipped through. I sat by the door with my ear pressed to the glass, I couldn't hear anything at first I presumed Kat had her back turned and hadn't realised it wasn't me in there.
"Meg does this top go with……Lily what are you doing here?"
"Um please let me explain"
"Get out!" Ouch I felt that, Kat is full of anger
"Kat please u don't understand nothing is going on!"
"Get out you lied to me Lily, I believed you like a fool and you lied I'm not doing this again get out."
"No"
"No? I don't think you really have the option it's my room now go! You know what I should of just told you to fuck off after you mucked about with my heart at drama school. It took me ages to get over you and then I let you back into my heart and you walk all over it again. You know Naomi suits you well – you're just like her! " I feel so bad listening to this, I can't believe they were actually together back then, I just though Kat fancied her I didn't realise anything went on. Kat is such a secretive little cow. She's crying, this is making my heartbreak, she doesn't deserve this - Lily come on, tell her you love her, make her smile again.
"No I'm not like Naomi Kat please! I'm sorry I made you keep us a secret, like it was something to hide away. I was scared I've never been with any other girl but I know now I don't want to be with anyone else but you. Please I'll do anything to make it up to you, I want us to work please give me one more chance."
"Lily I've given you enough chances just go with the boyfriend, he's good enough to show off in day light."
"Kat don't say that, it's not like that. It's not that I wanted to hide you I am so proud of you and your so beautiful, I really do want the world to know you're my girlfriend I was just scared. Please forgive me and I'm not with any guy."
"Lily I saw you, last night I saw you!"
"Kat would exactly did you see."
"You with a guy, laughing and kissing under the lamppost"
"Did you actually see me kiss him"
"Yes umm…."
"Kat?"
"Ok, I ran off I didn't actually see you kiss him but you were meant to be meeting me"
"I was, I wanted you to meet my step brother, I tried calling u but got no answer then Meg came and kind of made me realise that I've been a coward."
"Meg!"
"Yeah but don't get mad at her, she was doing her sisterly duties, she really loves you and made me realise how much I love you to – a different kind of love but I do I really do."
"Seriously?" Omg that sounded so heart breaking, Kat just heard her love of her life say she loves her and I would like to think I helped in a little way.
"Seriously I love you"
"I love you too" Ok a tear actually just rolled down my cheek, wish someone would say they loved me like that. Ok all I can hear now is them kissing, time to go downstairs my work here is done.