Pearls of Light

I sit at the open window of my room and stare out into the night. I can see no moon tonight, but the many bright stars light up the dark sky. A cool breeze blows through my hair and I enjoy the peacefulness the night has to offer.

I take a closer look at the stars and their positions and for a moment I wish I had paid more attention in my physics class. Did we ever learn anything about astronomy? I don't remember. If there was anyone here now who could tell me anything about stars, I would listen to them like a little child being told a bedtime story.

I sigh and as ever so often my thoughts wander to someone specific, someone I try so hard to forget.

They say one does never really appreciate something until one has to live without it.

Alex. That's the name of the girl who is always present in my mind and in my heart. The girl I love and long for. The girl that loved me so much and gave me everything I could wish for.

The girl I hurt so badly and lost forever.

I sigh again and I ask myself whether Alex knows anything about stars. Could she have told me anything about those mysterious giants that seem so tiny to the human eye?

I don't know. I don't know if this is a topic that interests her, and I will never find out. Why don't I know? I just never asked her.

There is so much I never asked her, so much I don't know about her.

We were together for merely two months. But these two months changed my life significantly… they changed me. She showed me so many new things and I discovered sides of me I had no idea even existed.

I still remember quite well the first time I met her. She was on a date with Ryan, a kind of double date with Seth and Lindsey. That night I went to the Bait Shop with Summer and Zach… It was a really lousy evening, I was a third wheel to their date.

At some point during that night we bumped into the double-daters. It was really awkward as my break-up with Ryan and Summer's break-up with Seth were still quite fresh.

So, there she was, a beautiful blonde at Ryan's side. Even though the whole situation was as awkward as can be, I still had time to take in Alex' appearance. I immediately guessed that she was a 'bad-ass' kind of girl… and I thought she was kind of cool. I saw from the look on her face that she immediately understood that Summer and I were Ryan's and Seth's exes.

But then the whole awkward moment was already over, and for the next days, maybe even weeks, I didn't think of her again.

The next time she came back into my mind was when I was driving in a car with Seth, Summer and Ryan, and the boys mentioned that Alex had kissed another girl right in front of Seth to prove a point. I was totally surprised and images of Alex kissing another girl invaded my head. I had never given homosexuality a lot of thought before. I always had the opinion that people should do whatever makes them happy as long as they don't hurt anyone else by doing so – and if being gay was part of that, so be it. But it never, ever occurred to me that I could fall in love with a girl, and even though I thought the idea of Alex kissing a girl to be kind of hot, the possibility of me being gay or bisexual didn't even occur to me then.

A couple of weeks later Summer, Lindsey and I had a girl's night out at the Bait Shop. When I went to the bar to order something, Alex was working behind the counter, and currently in the middle of a discussion with another girl who I later gathered was Jody. Of course I hadn't intended to eavesdrop on them or anything, but they weren't exactly quiet. From what I heard I quickly understood that they their relationship was somehow more than mere friendship – and that Alex did not want to discuss their problems right then.

So I went up to them and told Alex that there were no more paper towels in the ladies' room, that being the most convenient lie I could come up with. Alex gave me a piercing look full of surprise and gratitude, and I felt my belly doing a summersault.

She left the counter with me and thanked me. It was the first time we actually spoke to each other, and though it was little more than a few words I immediately felt us connecting.

And very soon I discovered that it was not only me who felt that way.

I went over to Alex' place later that evening. The boys eventually came to apologize for having acted like complete idiots earlier. When they left again, Jody had already gone to sleep and so Alex and I were the only ones left. We laid down on her bed and watched an old horror movie together.

Saying it like that makes it sound completely insignificant, but the moment we shared there together was to become the beginning of very complicated and yet wonderful relationship.

She reached over me to cover us both with a blanket. For a few seconds her face was mere inches away from mine. My belly could have won a summersault championship in that moment and my heart began to beat madly.

I had no idea why I was feeling that way – but I liked it.

When Alex had finally arranged the blanket, she lent back and looked at me. My heart rate, which had just begun to calm down, speeded up again and I think I even blushed slightly.

Alex' eyes wandered from my eyes to my lips and again my stomach squirmed madly.

She looked back into my eyes and then turned her attention back to the TV, a smirk on her face. Throughout the rest of the evening I tried to focus on the movie, but again and again my eyes wandered to the girl beside me. I couldn't get rid of the image of her staring at my lips and truth be told I didn't even try.

Nothing else happened that night, but thinking back I have the feeling that that little moment determined the direction of our future relationship. The spark was lit, so to say. The spark that would soon set off a beautiful red-hot fire. A fire which at some point got out of hand and then had to be extinguished, leaving behind nothing but ashes and coldness.

Alex and I began hanging out every day. I skipped school to be with her and helped her at work whenever I could. To cut it short, I took every opportunity to be near her.

Being with her was simply incredible. To the outside world she always seemed to be this tough, independent girl, but to me she was always incredibly sweet and caring. When I was with her I always felt happy – and safe. She wasn't clingy, yet protective in a way I loved.

Our first kiss - I will keep the memory of that night in my heart forever.

I went over to the Bait Shop on Valentine's Day - after having had a terrible dinner with my mom - and told Alex how I felt about her. She was completely stunned – but in a good way. She took my hand and lead me out to the beach. We sat down onto the sand next to each other and talked and laughed for what seemed an eternity.

Then we fell silent and the crashing sound of the waves filled the otherwise silent night.

Tide just turned, she said. Then she leaned over to me and kissed me.

The softness of her lips took me by surprise and I couldn't help but smile into our kiss.

The butterflies in my stomach danced a joyful dance and my heart went soaring up in the sky.

Even now, almost a year after that kiss, I can't help but smile at the memory and it seems that even a butterfly or two are still there in my stomach, fluttering slightly at these thoughts of Alex.

Is it a crime to think of the sex one had with an ex, I wonder silently. I don't think I'd like my lover remembering how they had sex with an ex-girlfriend. But then again, who cares, it's not like anyone can read my mind, and now it's too late anyways. Memories of Alex, naked, sneak into my head, and now I definitely feel more than just one butterfly in my stomach.

I remember the nights we had together and I'm somewhat taken by surprise by the strong feeling of lust and desire that suddenly fills my body.

I miss Alex a lot, I am of course very aware of that, but I don't allow myself to think of her too often and I didn't know she still affects me that strongly.

But then my thoughts turn to the night at the bonfire – our breakup. A bittersweet smile forms on my lips as I remember our last talk, our last hug, the way she looked me up and down one last time, smirking, before she finally turned away.

Suddenly I feel cold, but this coldness has nothing to do with the cool breeze coming in through the open window. So many months have passed since I lost her. And yet it hurts as if it was yesterday.

I shudder and rub my arms to get rid of the goosebumps that have just appeared there, but there's no way I can get rid of the coldness in my heart.

I look up at the stars again and I wonder if Alex might be looking at them, too.

After our breakup Alex moved away from Newport, she left me a note in our apartment saying she was gone. That was the last I ever heard from her.

I look at one especially bright star. What is it's name? I'm sure I ought to know that – but I don't.

A sudden breeze tousles my hair and I brush it back and tuck it behind my ear.

I hear some noise coming from my bed, creaking sounds as someone moves and turns.

I sigh, the magic of the moment, the peacefulness I felt before, is lost.

"Marissa – what are…" The rest of the sentence drowns in his yawn. "You coming back to bed?"

I glance at him and nod my head. "Just a sec."

"Alright," he mumbles, turns around again and seconds later I can hear him snoring.

I sigh again and throw one last look out at the stars. They're still sparkling brightly, like beautiful pearls of light, every single one for one of the many unspoken questions, questions I never asked Alex.

With one last sigh I close the windows, shutting away all the painful and yet wonderful memories.

I quietly pull the drapes shut, until the last bright sparkle disappears. I turn back to my bed, leaving behind the memories and returning to reality.

I will always love Alex. And I will never see her again.

I lay down next to Ryan, my again-slash-still boyfriend. Maybe my future is with him, maybe not. I don't know. We're okay, but we've been better. I'm not sure if I really love him, but for now I'm with him, and I guess that's all that matters.

I pull the covers over my body and over my face. I hear Ryan's steady breathing.

I sigh. I lay awake for what seems like an eternity before I finally drift asleep.

When I look out of my window early the next morning all the stars are gone, except for one, the brightest one of all.

I stare up at the beautiful morning sun, still rather low in the sky.

I don't know why, but suddenly my lips crack a smile and I feel good – much better than I've felt in a long time.

Maybe because Alex, wherever she might be in this moment, is looking up at the sun, too.

Who knows?

Still smiling I turn away from my window and head to the bathroom to get ready for the day.

There are good days and there are dark days, but I know that this day will be a good one.

A/N: The title Pearls of Light is a song by Within Temptation.