The swing was inviting to me as a child. I could sit on it and look out into the world, getting higher to the stars without ever really touching them.
Looking back a swing is like a clock, and I was only moving through time then. From childhood to adulthood, if you could call it that. I was always a dreamer.
But I did have fun. I always had fun.
I never felt truly sad until that day. I never felt truly alone until that day. Even if it was only for an instant looking back, a fleeting moment that barely lasted ten minutes.
It impacted me.
You could say I was a fragile child.
But I wasn't exactly made of glass.
I didn't like to be touched. It was stinging to me. It was like an invasion upon myself, watching my bubble burst as I was unable to stop it.
I was always safe, I was always secure in my own little shell. Just me and Watari, he was the only one I trusted. The only one who could guide me, who could hold my hand and tell me everything would be allright before walking me in. Not wanting to let me go. Keeping me safe. Keeping me secure.
They didn't like me at Wammy's.
They loved me but they never liked me.
They wanted to be me by design, but they hated me in the process.
They were never allowed to be themselves.
I was their shining star. I was like a trophy in a case, being taken out for the first time. Being paraded around infront of the children, showing them what they had to live up to.
I don't blame Watari. He never shined their trophy, never placed it behind the glass.
It wasn't his fault, he never wanted to do it. To take me there.
He understood me, that's why he didn't want to let me go. He knew I wouldn't integrate with them.
I couldn't. I was supposed to be different. Even if Watari treated me as a child should be treated. When I was a child.
In the beginning I was an ordinary happy child. I used to laugh sincerely. We used to play games.
Life was fun.
Until that day.
Ten o'clock. On the dot, as Watari says.
That was when when Watari let me go for the first time.
He had to talk with Roger. He told them he was going to leave what he created.
Watari didn't like what his school, Wammy's House, became.
To them I was a God, to be worshipped. The children to be created in my image.
I was no God.
I was just a boy.
I seen a boy that day. I could see him clearly, even now.
Pale white skin, bright green eyes. Dark brown hair neatly cropped.
He smiled at me, wanting to play. He never had many friends at Wammy's, none of them did.
I wanted to play with him, I really did.
The guards didn't.
He was different then to what he became. He was himself. He was a child in his mind. And in his heart.
Before he was molded into a product, and binned like trash when he wasn't what they expected.
The truth is they got what they wanted, they just never understood it. The only person who could ever understand that boy could only be the man who understood me. Watari.
Watari never met him. If he did things would have been different. If I believe anything it is this. I believe it with all my heart.
But when I looked upon him. When my eyes met his that day I seen him for what he really was. He was the inbetween. He was the "What If?" boy, to me.
What if roles were reversed. If I were him and he were me, would I be him as he is, and he be me as I am?
I thought so. But then again I was always a dreamer. Especially then. I looked for the best in people.
My eyes flickered to his nametag, which they all wore. It was a strange name, but I couldn't complain. I only had a letter for my name, even if Watari called me another name: Lawliet.
I scanned the words, looking up into his eyes. The deep sea of green.
"Your name is B?" I decided on using the first letter, even then, thinking that's what he was called by everyone there.
"No. My name is Backup"
I averted my eyes back towards the nametag. It did not say Backup.
"It says Beyond."
"My name is Backup!"
The boy raised his fist and pummelled it into mine.
As I fell I could hear clearly what he said. And I understood it all, even as a child.
"I am his! I am L's backup! I am ONLY a Backup!"
Even as he said it, landing kicks into my ribs I couldn't help but cry for the wrong reason. The kick's hurted but they didn't cause me pain.
The fact that this boy, this innocent, was being molded into a version of me made the tears fall.
He was going to lose himself in this mess. He needed to get out, to get away from it all.
I needed to help him. Somehow, someway. If only there was something I could do.
"I can help you Beyond. I can be your friend. I can get you out!"
I remember him smiling at me, genuinely. In his eyes their was hope for a split-second.
"How?" he almost whispered.
"Because I'm L…" It was the one thing I should never have said.
The hope faded. The bright green sea erupted into a fiery blaze as he advanced. His hands closed in. Reaching around my throat. Probing, searching, tightening. He squeezed to a sound of uproar.
My mind was haunted with those eyes for what seemed like minutes. I was surrounded by screams for company.
But I enjoyed it.
I enjoyed it because I was close to another person besides Watari.
Even in hatred it was a true emotion.
Even if misguided it was real.
And it made me realise that emotion would be my downfall.
I had to detach myself because I cared.
From everyone.
But Watari.
Watari saved me from Beyond that day. He grabbed me from his clutches and helped me into the car, taking me back to our home.
A part of me wished he hadn't.
Though I knew why he did. He loved me. As did I him.
He was like a father. No. He was my father.
He always would be.
I hoped one day to help Beyond. Even after he left Wammy's House, rejected, years later I tried to contact him. But he wanted nothing to do with me. He hated me, but somehow he loved me.
We were the same really.
Beyond was beyond help.
And so was I.
- L