Summery: Ginny struggles with her sexuality. Warnings: slash, sexual harrasment, eventually femslash
Disclaimer: Just in case you think I'm J.K. Rowling, I'm not. I don't own any of these characters. I'm just borrowing them. Don't sue me, I'm broke.
A/N: Just warning you that this is going be primarily about Ginny. That means that there won't be much more about Draco, though I'm thinking of writing a sequel in which Draco will have a much larger role... but maybe I should focus on finishing this one first.
She's lying next to me... sleeping. I watch the slow, steady rise and fall of her chest as she sleeps. Her face is relaxed, her lips almost smiling as she dreams. I reach out and trace my finger along her bare shoulder. She smiles, snuggling closer to me. I kiss her lightly on the forehead and pull her closer.
Lying there, her head on my breast, her arms around me, it all seems so simple. So perfect. Like everything is right with the world.
But it's not. Not even close. And it's taken us so long, cost us so much, just to get here.
I don't really know where to begin. She would say to start at the beginning and go on from there, but the problem is that I don't really know when the beginning was. Every time I think I have it pinpointed, I remember something else that came before. But I guess I'll start in the dungeons during my fifth year.
Ginny Weasley hurried down the cold, dark corridor to potions. She hated being in the dungeons. They always made her feel nervous and unsettled – like something was going to jump out from the shadows and get her. And she was always afraid of running into some Slytherin, or worse Professor Snape.
She rounded a corner and stopped short when she saw two Slytherins standing in the hallway. She knew she should turn around and leave, but instead she hid behind the wall and watched.
Draco Malfoy was whispering something urgently to Blaise Zabini.
Blaise laughed. "Sure, Draco. Whatever you say," he snorted sarcastically.
Draco tensed, grabbing the other boy by the shoulders and shoving him roughly against the wall.
Blaise wasn't laughing anymore. Draco shifted until he had Blaise pinned against the wall between his legs. Then he leaned forward and kissed Blaise – hard and fierce – until the boy looked away in disgust.
"Now do you believe me?" Draco breathed harshly into his ear.
"Faggot," Blaise spat in disgust and horror. "Filthy queer."
Draco's grip on Blaise's shoulder tightened as the boy began to struggle under his grip. The boy started to squirm, trying to free himself from Draco, but Draco only laughed and began grinding his hips against Blaise's crotch. Blaise flushed and stilled. Draco leaned forward, whispering something softly in Blaise's ear that made the other boy flush even darker.
"Bastard," he breathed. Draco simply licked the boy's ear. Blaise began struggling again, panic and revulsion clear on his face.
Draco shoved him roughly back against the wall and a second later her had his wand pressed against the boys throat.
"Bastard," Blaise whispered again.
Draco smiled a small, evil smile and slid his free hand down from Blaise's shoulder across his chest, then underneath his shirt.
"Faggot," Blaise choked.
Draco's eyes snapped to Blaise's. "Shut up or I'll hex you." He took his hand from under Blaise's shirt and traced a finger along the boy's jaw and down his throat. Noticing Blaise's hand inching towards his own wand, Draco laughed, reaching down and grabbing it. He raised his eyebrows at Blaise and tossed the wand down the hallway.
Ginny froze as she saw it rolling towards her and drew further back into the shadows. She should leave now. She knew she should. But somehow, she couldn't. She could only stand there and watched in fascinated horror as Draco resumed his harassment of the other Slytherin.
Now Draco's hand was moving under Blaise's shirt again. He rested it on the boy's hip, leaning forwards to kiss him again. Blaise tried to bite him and Draco snapped his head back.
"Well, if you're going to be that way about it... Imperious! Now hold still." Blaise froze and Draco resumed his kissing, slipping his fingers into Blaise's pants. And Blaise simply stood there, relaxed and helpless as Draco moved his mouth over the boy's lips and ran his hands along his hips and ass, beneath loose robes and pants. But Ginny could still see the fear and revulsion in his eyes and it seemed that Draco could too because after a few moments he stopped and stepped back, releasing the boy.
"Go get your wand," he told the boy. Blaise did, putting it away before turning back to Draco – waiting for further instructions. And Draco sighed and said, "Finite!"
Blaise tensed as if not certain whether to attack Draco or run away. But Draco didn't give him the chance to decide, whispering "Obliviate!" at the boy.
Blaise blinked in confusion and then smiled at Draco. "Oh, hello Draco." His greeting was friendly and painfully innocent.
Draco gave him a sad smile of greeting. "Hi Blaise."
And Blaise hurried past him, without a clue in the world about what had just happened. Draco watched him go and Ginny glimpsed briefly an expression of such longing, despair, and shame that Ginny felt a sudden sympathy for him before remembering that he was a Slytherin and therefore the enemy and furthermore he had just been sexually harassing another student (okay, that had been more that just harassment).
But she still found herself feeling almost sorry for Draco as he slid to the floor, burying his face in his arms, his shoulders shaking with silent sobs.
Back in her dormitory that evening, Ginny lay in her bed trying to get to sleep. But the image of Draco sitting on the floor of the dungeons, crying silent tears of despair and shame kept coming back to her.
Seeing him like that, so totally disarmed and vulnerable and weak had made him seem... almost human in a way he never had before.
And she knew what he had been feeling. She knew what it was like to watch your crush day after day as they remained so blissfully innocent. Tempting you, torturing you with their beautiful, perfect bodies. Totally oblivious to the extent of your feelings for them. Oh yes, she knew the torture of watching your friend and wanting them so bad it hurt and not daring to even hope for them because it was impossible for them to ever love you back and you knew it. She knew the pain of lying to all your friends and wanting so desperately to tell them the truth but knowing that you couldn't because if you did they would hate you even more than you hated yourself. Because it was wrong, so very wrong. And she knew well the desperate longing and shame she had seen in Draco's eyes as he watched Blaise leave.
How often had she cried herself to sleep, feeling so weak because she couldn't bring herself to say three, simple words? I love you.
But Draco had worked up the courage and Blaise had walked away. Had looked at him with disgust and hatred, had called him 'fagot,' and had walked away. Telling Blaise hadn't done Draco any good. It had only confirmed the knowledge that Blaise would never, could never love Draco.
Because Draco was evil. Blaise's parents were former Death Eaters. The boy was all but counting the days until he graduated so that he could join You-Know-Who. And even he believed that what Draco felt was wrong. He adored the creature that had terrorized the wizarding world for years and even he understood that boys were supposed to love girls and that girls were supposed to love boys and that was the way it worked. And if even a Slytherin thought that it was wrong, evil for a girl to love girl then what hope did she have with her friends?
Ginny rolled over and closed her eyes as if she block out her problems just by closing her eyes. A cool, wet tear traced its way slowly down her face. What was she supposed to do? Her parents and teachers had taught her what to do if she was kidnapped or attacked or insulted or offered drugs or encountered a Death Eater, but no one had told her what to do when she wanted the person she most emphatically couldn't have and wanted them so bad it hurt. No one had explained what to do when you find that your desires, the attraction and love that feel so real, are so very wrong, so evil? What do you do when you finally learn what it is to love someone, only to find that it's the wrong person? What could she do other than to lie and pretend to like boys and try to hide the attraction that seemed stronger and more painful with every passing day?
And now Ginny was crying, as silent and hopelessly as Draco had. Hot, salty tears soaking into her pillow. She cried until she fell into an uneasy sleep.