Disclaimer: All things Harry Potter belong to J.K. Rowling
Summary: Severus Snape reflects on the loss of his new love. (Companion Piece to First Love Lost: The Lioness' Tale)
Albus always told Potter that love would conquer the Dark Lord, that love would be what helped to ultimately vanquish evil. Me, I was bitter about love. I had loved once and then had I let it slip away. Lily Evans; my first love. I blamed myself for her death and I vowed to do whatever I had to do to make up for it. That meant having to see her son practically every day for 6 years while I did my best to watch over him and keep him safe; to see her eyes staring out of his father's face. Karma had a sadistic sense of humor.
Since Lily's death, I have vowed to never get close to another. To never put anyone in harm's way again. To love someone would be to hand them a death sentence. Besides, who would look twice at me or think to love me? Yes, I could go into Hogsmeade and arrange for Rosmerta to provide me the services of one of her 'serving girls', and I done so on several occasions, but who wants an intimate act when it is so devoid of love and emotion.
Then she came to me, literally. I remembered back to the night it all began. She was in her 6th year and she had come to my office for clarification on one of the questions I had assigned for homework. While speaking with her, I was summoned by the Dark Lord. I told her that we would have to continue the discussion the next day and left to floo Albus to let him know about the summons. When my head appeared in his fireplace, I told him that I had been summoned and that Ms. Granger had been with me and may have realized that my mark had burned and that she would probably come to see him. I donned my Death Eater robes and mask, cleared my mind, put my Occlumency shields firmly in place and apparated to the Dark Lord.
When I arrived, there was a full cadre of Death Eaters in the clearing surrounding the Dark Lord. Tonight he wanted a report from me about what plans Dumbledore was making to get rid of him and a report on Potter. I told him the lies which Albus had fabricated and opened my mind to show him the staged conversations between us where he shared his strategies with me. After my update was finished, the Dark Lord stared at me for a long while and then hit me with the Cruciatus curse. I was ready for it, but it was still agonizing to bear. While he held the curse on me he pummeled me with questions and seemed convinced when I gave the same answers consistently despite the excruciating pain. He lifted the curse and when I could finally stand, he hissed, "You are proving to be so very useful, Dumbledore's traitor." With that statement he disapparated away. One by one his minions disapparated until I was the only one left in the clearing. I used the time to clear my head and to will my body to stop shaking from the effects of the curse. Finally, I disapparated back to Hogwarts.
As was my routine when I returned from being summoned, I made my way to Albus' office. Surprisingly I saw that Ms. Granger was there curled up asleep in one of the armchairs that sat before the fireplace. I sat in the other armchair and proceeded to give him my report and we talked about the fact that the Dark Lord's number was growing as this was the largest gathering of Death Eaters I had seen in years. After we finished discussing the Dark Lord, I asked Albus why Ms. Granger was still there. He hesitated and then told me that she had come to advise him that I had been summoned. Just as I thought; she was astute and observant. He told me that she had been concerned for my safety and the fact that I would be in grave danger going before the Dark Lord. To say that this surprised me was an understatement. Someone cared. I looked at the sleeping young woman, the innocence of sleep making her look even younger than her years. Why would she care? I had been nothing but cruel to her the entire duration of her time here at Hogwarts. I was tired, so tired. Albus must have sensed my weariness and stood and begun to wake the sleeping young woman.
"Ms. Granger, it is time for you to return to your dormitory." He said quietly
"Has the Professor returned? Is he safe?" she asked still obviously groggy from sleep.
"I have and relatively." I answered both her questions. We stared at each other for a few moments and I could not help but see the compassion and concern in her eyes and the fact that the emotions appeared to be genuine staggered and scared me. The last woman to show me either of those feelings had died because of my naiveté. I averted my gaze.
"Severus, please see that Ms. Granger reaches her dormitory safely." Albus instructed me.
With that we left the Headmaster's office. As she followed me down the corridor leading away from the office, I heard her say softly, "Thank You." I turned to look at her and what I saw on her face assured me that she was not thanking me for walking her to her dormitory, but thanking me for much more than that. Things that we could not put into words. She is the only one who has ever thanked me. I could only nod quickly to her to acknowledge what she had said. How else do you acknowledge when someone tells you thank you for risking your life so that pure evil can be vanquished? Or so that the life of someone they loved can be spared? Before I could turn away from her I felt her grasp my arm; her hand now laying over my dark mark. I looked from her face to her hand and back to her face again. I don't remember the last time anyone had touched me in so casual yet intimate a manner. She was touching me; there was no disgust or scorn, there was only compassion and concern. This was some sort of trick, a ploy, it just had to be. I was prepared to step back from her when she stepped closer to me and looked into my eyes. I did not expect to see what she was showing me. She was showing me that she was no longer the young naïve girl whose teeth I had insulted and embarrassed in front her classmates. She was showing me that she was no longer a girl she was a young woman, older than her age due to the full year's use of a time-turner. This was a young woman, who was telling me that she appreciated all that I was doing to rid the world of the Dark Lord and she wanted to offer me comfort. I was torn. On the one hand I needed what she was so selflessly offering. On the other hand, how could I put another in danger again? How I could I make the same mistake twice? I would not. I made my decision, I would turn around and we would resume our walk to the Gryffindor dormitory and pretend that none of this had ever happened tonight. Yes, that was plan, until she stepped closer to me and placed her palm on my cheek. I felt like I had been electrified, jolted by this unfamiliar sensation. I was afraid that she would remove her hand if she thought that I did not like or want the touch so I remained still. Oh, the touch of her hand; it was so good to be touched again. I could not help but turn my cheek into her hand and then close my eyes just savoring the sensation, reveling in the feeling that now coursed through my body.
After a while of just enjoying the unfamiliar feeling of a caring touch, I opened my eyes to look at the young woman standing before me. Really look at her. Her eyes were saying so much; let me be there for you. Let me offer you comfort. Let me be your solace. I made my decision; I deserved this, I wanted this. I needed everything that she offered me and so I opened my arms to her. It was me saying to her I offer myself to you, all of me, the good that I am trying to do now, but my evil past as well. Can you deal with that? Can you accept that? Can you accept me? Will you accept me? With one single movement Hermione Granger answered every one of those questions; she stepped into my embrace.
That night she gave herself to me; in fact we gave ourselves to each other. I could tell that she was a virgin; I saw her nervously biting her bottom lip as I whispered the contraceptive spell after we had undressed each other. I had never been with a virgin before and I made sure to be extra gentle. When I broke through her barrier, I held still so that she could get used to the intrusion of my manhood. I looked in her eyes and I saw the desire and the joy. Our lovemaking was beautiful, slow and exquisite as we stared into each others' eyes and gave in to the feelings that we were both experiencing for the first time. She gave me so much more than just her body or her virginity that night, she gave me solace. Afterwards, I kissed her and said "Thank you." She understood that I was not thanking her for the sex act. There were things that I could not put into words. Ever astute, she knew; she understood what I could not say and told me so when she returned my kiss.
After that night, we met in secret under the guise of extra lessons for N.E.W.T preparations or extra credit assignments. I enjoyed spending time with her, but not just for the intimacy and the lovemaking. We would spend countless nights together in my chambers or at my house reading and talking, discussing literature, politics etc and I was constantly impressed by her intelligence and quick wit. She teased me and was able to make me laugh, something I had rarely ever done in the last 17 years. I was able to confide my past to her and never once did she judge me. She told me of how things were for her when she was a child growing up not knowing why she could do special/weird things. Whenever I was summoned, we would kiss each other desperately, afraid that it could be the last time. Then the one thing that neither of us had planned on happened, we fell in love. We realized it at the same time, we had been strolling the grounds late one night under an invisibility spell looking up at the stars when we saw the trail of a shooting star arcing across the night sky. I knew then that I loved her. I was petrified to love again, but she was worth it. I loved her. She loved me.
Later that night I gave her a ring; it was charmed to appear to only us as a silver Slytherin serpent whose eyes were two glittering emeralds. To anyone else who looked at it, they would see a gold ring with the head of a Gryffindor with two sparkling rubies for eyes. In turn she gave me the matching gold Gryffindor ring which to everyone else but us would look like a silver serpent. We kept an invisibility glamour on the rings at all times except for when we were with each other, to deter awkward inquiries from my fellow professors and her nosy classmates.
After that we had gone to see Albus and confessed that we had been having a relationship and that we loved one another. Surprisingly, Albus gave us his blessing; pointing out that Hermione was of age, due to the usage of the Time Turner in her third year, and that everyone needed love in their lives. We were married in his office with him and one of his colleagues from the Wizengomot as our witnesses.
The time with her was like nothing I had ever known, she brought out all of these feelings in me and she was the first woman who I felt right with, comfortable in my own skin, secure in the knowledge that she loved me for me. I feared for her safety more and more. Whenever I was summoned I made sure that my shields were as strong as they could be, I would die before I would let the Dark Lord have a glimpse of My Love. I knew that the Final Battle was near at hand. The Dark Lord was even more secretive, sharing less and less of his plans with his Death Eaters. I saw that Lucius had begun bringing Draco to the gatherings and I feared that he would soon be asked to make the ultimate sacrifice by becoming a follower of the Dark Lord. I worried about My Love's safety; I knew that she would be right next to Potter at the Final Battle. I made her promise me that no matter what happened to me that she would fight until the very end to ensure that the Dark Lord was vanquished. The time that we spent together had been idyllic, our own paradise in the middle of the chaos of war. In between my work for the Order, being summoned by the Dark Lord or teaching lessons, we spent the time at my home (it was a home now because she was there to share it with me) a place in Ireland which was Unplottable and was not connected to the Floo. There I was at ease and free to be myself; where she called me 'Sev' and I called her 'Mine'. It was the one place where we did not need to hide our love. The days came when I would be summoned for longer periods so we used the Protean charm on our rings to alert the other that they were doing well, or thinking about the other, or just to say I love you.
Then came the day that I had been truly dreading; the day I had to kill Albus Dumbledore. When I uttered those words, not only did my soul rend, but my heart ached for the father-figure and mentor that I had lost, but mostly it ached for My Love; who I knew that I was going to lose when she was told what I had done.
It was hard to keep my sanity being away from My Love and being cooped up in Malfoy Manor with the Dark Lord and his Death Eaters. I knew I had to keep the charade up in order to carry out Albus' elaborate plan. Then one night as I was walking the grounds being trailed by Malfoy's ridiculous Albino peacocks, I received the one message from My Love which let me know that all was well, "I Love You." I am sure Potter wasted no time telling her what had occurred on the tower, but yet here she was proclaiming her love for me. Oh Love, how could I have ever doubted that you would have figured this out, she had more faith in me than I did. We went for weeks and then months without seeing one another, only the messages sent via our rings sustaining us and bolstering our flagging spirits.
Then came the night that I had to deliver Gryffindor's Sword to the trio; I found her in the tent lonely, afraid and sinking fast into despair. I told her that I was helping them on Albus' instructions and then I would have to leave. We clung to each other and then we made love; rushed, hurried, frantic and passionate; the love that people make when they believe that they may not see each other for a long time or never again. The last words I told her were that I loved her and that she was my solace.
Now here I am, lying on the dirty, dusty floor of the Shrieking Shack about to die and all I can think about is my Hermione, My Love, Mine. I am thankful that I got to see her one last time in the Forest. My one regret is that I will never have a child with her; she would have made a good mother, she is kind and patient and our child would have been intelligent and charming. I had never thought of heirs. I had never thought that it would ever be an option. I had never thought that a woman would love me or want to be with me furthermore give me a child or marry me.
As the agony of Nagini's bites ripped through my body, I could feel the venom coursing through my veins and I knew that the end was near.
In the distance I could hear a voice; My Love's!
In front of me, I see Potter emerge from under his Invisibility Cloak. I know that My Love must not be far. I grab him and implore him to take the memories that are escaping. He must know! He must understand! All this sacrifice, Albus' death, this must not all be for naught!
"Take …it…take it…" I gurgle to him. I saw understanding dawn on his face and then I heard her voice again, I heard her say a spell and then out of the corner of my eye I saw her handing him the flask for him to collect my memories. I could not see her, but I knew she was here. I was glad to have her presence near me, but I was sad that she had to see me like this, to see me as I took my dying breaths. I sense her as she leaves the room, obeying the promise that she had made to me.
"Look… at… me…" I whispered to Potter. I wanted to see Lily eyes; I hope that she knew that I had done the best that I could to save her son. I wanted Potter to know that despite what everyone thought, I never hated him. How could I, when I had once loved his mother? I hope that he could see this now that all my masks had been removed. I tried to open my mouth, I wanted to tell Potter to give My Love a message, but as I was trying to say the words 'Tell her I love her', I could feel my strength fading rapidly and with my dying breath, I could see her in my mind and I knew that she knew that I loved her.