Disclaimerrrrrrr: S'not mine, and you know it. I did make up the plot, however.
**
SMARTS & THE MUTT (otherwise known as 'The One Where Sirius Owes Hermione More Than Ten Galleons Worth Of Drinks').
"So, Smarts. What's the plan?"
"What are you talking about, Sirius?"
"You know, the plan."
"Oh, of course! Harry's told dear Minnie that you'll Floo in and meet her under the Mistletoe outside the fourth classroom of the Charms corridor, then you can-"
"What?"
"Next time, Black, be a little clearer when you're talking to me."
"…"
"You're face will freeze like that if the wind changes."
"Harry didn't really do that, did he? And what are you on about, you confusing bird?"
"Firstly, I'm not telling. And secondly, it's a muggle saying."
"Smug doesn't become you Granger."
"Of course it does. Everything becomes me; especially expressions conveying superiority."
"I need your help. Pleeeeaase, Hermione."
"Don't pout, and stop whining, Hound."
"I'm wounded, Hermione."
"No, you're melodramatic. I'm not helping you match-make Tonks and Professor Lupin."
"Oh, never mind. I'll make my own plan. It'll be miles better than yours would have been anyway; I'm a Marauder."
"Yes, Sirius."
"Okay. Give me a minute."
"Yes, Sirius."
"Alright, Plan A: Trick Remus into admitting that he likes Tonks through my tactful and sneaky interrogation techniques."
"Yes, Sirius."
"No, he'll see through that, he's too smart to be hoodwinked in such an obvious manner. How about this one, Plan B: using some of the Weasley twins' 'Magical Mistletoe' trap them both in the room upstairs by telling them there's been another infestation of doxies."
"Yes, Sirius."
"No, that's too obvious, if he sees Tonks stuck there, he's bound to look up and she'll warn him beforehand anyway."
"…"
"Plan C: Send them both notes – telling the other to meet them in the park around the corner – and then due to the awkwardness of the situation something will eventuate, leading to romancing and then lots of overly clumsy little Moonies running around Grimmauld. What do you think of that one, Smarts?"
"Yes, Sirius."
"Are you even listening?"
"I sure am, Sirius. Intently."
**
"Plan P: Using Firewhiskey as a tool to reveal Moony's deepest, darkest desires, we blackmail him into telling Tonks that he is truly, madly, deeply in love with her."
"Please refrain from incorporating song titles into your 'plans', Sirius. It's becoming nauseating."
"I thought it was clever…and that you weren't listening anymore anyway."
"I was listening; I just chose to ignore most of it."
"That's no fun."
"You're an insufferable, irritating, persistant, noisy man, you know that?"
"Why thank you!"
"It wasn't intended as a compliment, you silly mongrel."
"That's why your smiling at me then, is it."
"Sometimes I wish you couldn't read me so well."
"You love me for it; don't deny it any longer, angelcakes."
"Git."
"I'll stop if you help me."
"Fine. I bet it won't take anywhere near as long either."
"I'll take that bet."
"Ten Galleons."
"Done."
**
Four minutes and seventeen seconds later.
"Remus, we all know she likes you, and it's obvious that you return the sentiment, so you've got about forty seconds to make up your mind that you're going to tell her so, because she's going to enter this room very soon."
"I know you think she likes me-"
"Thirty seconds."
"-but she's ten years younger than me-"
"Twenty seconds, and nobody cares about that but you."
"-and-"
"Ten seconds, Remus. She hasn't a problem with your 'furry little problem' and she likes you so blatantly that it's almost painful –you're the only person besides her mother she'll let call her 'Nymphadora'; put her out of her misery and ask her."
"Wotcher Hermione, Sirius. Hello Remus."
"Cousin dearest, just fabulous to see you."
"Looking as arrogantly charming as ever, Sirius."
"Erm. Nymphadora, would you mind terribly speaking with me outside for a moment?"
"Sure."
**
Looking through the gap in the doorway.
"For such a tiny witchling you're an enormous door-hogger…I can't see anything, shove over."
"Quiet, I can't hear what he's saying."
"Something boring, probably…If I know Moony, he'll be avoiding the topic and talking about the depletion of resources in the Amazon rainforest."
"Shush. He is not. He just asked her if she was doing anything tomorrow night."
"He didn't."
"He did."
"He did…and now they're snogging each other's faces off."
"It looks to me like you owe me ten galleons, sir."
"Fine, Smarts. But payment isn't in the form of cold hard cash. How about a drink at 'The Horntail' Miss Granger?"
"Only if you call me 'Hermione'."
"I'll call you whatever you want me to call you."
"You are my favourite, loveable, mangy, mutt. Despite things I might sometimes tell you otherwise."
"It's only natural. I'm very loveable."
"And don't you know it."
Bizarre. This wasn't even played around in my head… It was just, sort of, ejected out of my fingers as I typed. Anyways…I adore Sirius. He often reminds me of an excitable puppy or child that needs constant entertaining and I think Hermione is patient enough to occupy his easily-distracted mind.
Hope you enjoy it, even just a little bit. =D