Disclaimer:ÿ Everything Gundam belongs to Sotsu Agency and Sunrise.ÿ
Everything else belongs to their rightful owners.ÿ Beware of mad pitbulls
with jaws powerful enough to rip off your head.ÿ ^_^;
Disclaimer 2:ÿ These are a collection of the humor I considered my best.ÿ In fact, and I should've mentioned this before, all the text humor I did are based on works done my Koichi Tokida (alias "Teacher Tokida").ÿ Let's say what we feel like about Tokyo-Pop, but I still believe that the Gundam Wing manga told a better story in 12 parts than the TV show.
****************
GUNDAM WORLD TEXT HUMOR
The Best Of The Worst!
****************
"The Wall"
Mirai and her daughter Cheimin walk through the park and towards a wall with millions of names written on it.
Cheimin: Is that all the people that fought and died between the One Year War and the Second Neo-Zeon War?
Mirai: No, dear. That's the many woman that Char had slept with before he met his end in CCA.ÿ Huh?ÿ What's this...?ÿ AMURO REI??!!
Meanwhile, Bright's rightfully kicking Amuro's ass for sleeping with Char.
-=*=-
"Shiro Behind The RB-79 Ball"
A transport ship en route to Earth spots a running battle between the Feds' prototype GM and Zeon's prototype Zaku RD4.
Shiro: I have to help fight that Zaku!
Michael: Don't be a fool! The only thing we have on this ship is a...
Aina prepares the final blow to her enemy. But she ends up freaking out as 'Haro' bounces into the scene and bumps her out of the way.
-=*=-
"Izza Cold Day..."
Steiner (Zugock-E): Okay, guys! Let's make it painful and quick!
Misha (Hygogg): DA, COMRAD!! VICTORY TO ZEON!!
The Hygoggs and Zugock-E attack the Antarctic Base. And when the smoke clears... Two dazed and confused MS are found.
Zechs (Tallgeese): Duuuu... What happened...?
Heero (Wing Gundam): My mission... ...my mission is...
Steiner (Zugock-E): Uh... Wrong universe?
Misha (Hygogg): Oops! Sorry!
-=*=-
"Peacecraft In UC"
Char and Amuro are in another one of their fights.
Relena: STOP THIS!! YOU MUST NOT FIGHT!!
She gets in the way and is immediately stabbed by Amuro and Char. They both snapped out of it to see what they did.
Char and Amuro: [Bowing to Milliardo] WE'RE SO SORRY!!
Milliardo: [Holding a dead Relena] You know...
Heero: Woah. These guys do a much better job than me.
-=*=-
"The Power Of Epyon"
Treize: [With Lady Une in the background.] The Epyon is the strongest MS made. It's also got the "Zero System" which enables the pilot to act without hesitation...
They look towards the Epyon, sitting in a sulking position and spreading its presence of gloom and despair.
Treize: Get out!
Lady Une: But this guy was just tweaking the system for us...
Amuro: Sorry...
-=*=-
"Al & Friends"
Al's classmates (Chay and Telcott) pass by him as he draws a Zaku II.
Chay: Hey, wha'cha drawin'?
Al: A Zaku II. Mobile suits are cool.
Dorothy: That's right. Mobile suits ARE cool.
The real Dorothy (from 0080) does a flying kick into Wing Dorothy's face.
Dorothy '80: STOP TAKING MY PLACE!!
-=*=-
"Kai's Note"
Hayato receives a note from Kai:
Shiden: Dear Hayato, how's Frau and the kids? Wish you luck with your own newborn. QUATRO [CENSORED] IS CHAR!! Hope to see you soon, Kai Shiden. P.S. He's also Casper Tycoon, "Remue Dadaam Herumet," and crossdresses as "Amanda Huginkiss."
Char: As soon as we're into my Counterattack movie, I'll kill Kai.
-=*=-
"Won Lee's Bad Luck"
Bright: Won Lee! What happened to you?
Won: I went to set these five punks from Gundam Wing straight...!
Bright: ...And I suppose they went and defended themselves, did they?
Won: No. Their fans came and beat the crap outta me.
-=*=-
"Hizack's First Run"
Emma and her subordinates are at the MS hanger with the newly introduced Hizacks.
Emma: Okay, troops! This'll be the first time for some of you using the Hizacks. Just think of it as advanced training.
Soldier: But ma'am... They look like Zakues!
Emma: Your point being, cadet?
Soldier: (Starting to cry.) One of these things blew up my town.
Emma: AH! Da hell!
Karen: Hey, Ms. Sheen! I got an idea for ya!
Quattro: A group of mobile suits are coming in at full speed, Camille!
Camille: Yeah, but... They're all "GM-Heads."
-=*=-
"Jerid The Lady's Man"
Jerid: Hey! Who are you and why are you clinging to me so tight?!
Dorothy: My name is Dorothy. And I just happened to like strong men.
Jerid manages to escape Dorothy's grasp and high-tails it to parts unknown; leaving the scary-eyebrowed platinum blonde to call out his name.
Jerid: (Walking towards Maua) Damn, her eyebrows are scary. Hey, beautiful! You won't believe what I saw... AAAAAHHHH!!!
Maua: (Wearing fake eyebrows in an attempt to look like Dorothy.) Wel-come ba-ack.
-=*=-
"Here's Your MS"
Zechs: Here's your MS, Heero. Take it.
Heero then proceeds to beat Zechs senseless with a large 2x4 after finding out that the mobile suit he was trying to give him is an Agguy.
Duo: HEY! What's wrong with the Agguy?! It's a cool MS!
-=*=-
"Trei Vs. Ray"
Treize: Let's fight, Amuro.
Amuro: Awwh... Okay. You're into fencing, right?
Treize: That's right. (Holding his rapier.) The way of the sword is the essense of choreographic art; the language that can only be spoken between two combatants in chivalrous combat...
Amuro walks in all decked out in his kendo uniform and, with his bokken, gets into his stance.
Treize: ...hmph... "I'm no good with swords," Wufei said.ÿ "Let's fight in MS, Treize." I might have some fun after all.
-=*=-
"Flowers"
Dorothy enters the scene with a whole bunch of roses in the background, catching Four by surprise. But Four has her own rose background, catching Dorothy off guard.
Dorothy: Oh dear. Roses from you? I didn't know you have such great interests in them.
Four: But they're so wonderful. They smell like the first day of spring.
Meanwhile, Treize is crying and scratching on the door of the greenhouse shop which had just ran out of roses.
-=*=-
"Call Of The Spirits"
It's the final battle between Camille (in his Zeta) and Paptimus (in his The-O). The later's hard to defeat and getting the upper hand due to his incredible Newtype powers. But Camille gets help from the ghosts of his loved ones. Four. Emma. Rozamia. Misha?!
Camille: HUH?! What are you doing here?!
Misha: What?! Can't a reformed ghost of a former Zeon officer help out a fellow Colon in need?!
Gateau: That's right! Even when our spirits escape our bodies, we must stick together in times of peril!
Cima: Yeah. Sure. Right. Screw all these pop-stars, kid. I'll show you how it's done the right way.
Camille: HEY! My head is NOT a Holiday Inn!
Hilda: Camille. Are you wearing clean underwear?
Camille: MOM!!
Paptimus (The-O): Uh... Arst thou ready yet...?
-=*=-
"Zeta's End"
Bright: Well, so much for that bloody hell. We wiped out most of the Titans, but we didn't come out squeaky clean ourselves.
Bright's refering to the piece of corn (Camille) in the corner that Pha's crying on.
Pha: That evil man! What dastardly thing did he do to make you this way, Camille?!
In Camille's mind, Paptimus is in his 60's get-up and playing non-stop disco.
Paptimus: "Flappin' my arms I begin to clutch! Dan-dan-dadadan-daa-da! Look at ME! I'm a disco duck!"
Camille: AAAAAAHH!! STOP IT!!
-=*=-
"Go, Lions!"
Leo 1: This fog is SO thick! I can cut it with a beam sword!
Leo 2: Keep your wits about you, soldier! If these Gundams can wipe the floor with those other troops, you definitely don't wanna be caught off guard!
*CRASH!!*
Leo 2: Huh?! IT'S A GUN...! ...dam...?
Leo 1: And it crashed into a side of a building 12 miles from here. I told you that this fog is trouble.
Heero (Wing): (Emerging from the rubble.) Especially when a flock of crows get in your way when you go mach-II....
-=*=-
"Poor Birdy"
It's raining outside as Amuro heads for shelter. He ends up meeting a lady (Lalah) on the porch of a nearby house. He decides to head there so he can atleast start a conversation.
As soon as he arrives, she points to the nearby lake where a swan is about to make its landing...
And then the poor swan had to duck a blast from a shotgun. It flies away, being chased by three guys in a jeep. And they just happened to be the Black Trinity (Marsh, Gaia, and Ortega).
Amuro: (Exasperated.) HEY!! DIDN'T I JUST FUNERALIZED YOU GUYS??!!
-=*=-
"I Love Animals"
Trowa: I like animals. I love all wild animals. (Petting Usso's dog Flanders.)
Flanders: Nyet, comrade... I am not wild. Merely a family dog.
Gordon: Okay. Since you're so good with animal, then what can you do about...?
Gordon's referring to Chara Soon who's found dry-humping one of Neo-Zeon's newly made prototype MS.
-=*=-
"Don't Make Fun Of My Name!"
Titan pilots: CA-MI-ILLE!!
Camille: QUIT MAKING FUN OF MY NAME!! Especially when you have a leader who's named "Jamitov Hyman!"
Titan pilots: But he'll kill us.
Camille: OH, FOR THE LOVE OF...!!ÿ THAT'S IT!!ÿ I'M CROSSDRESSING!!
-=*=-
"More Fun With Haro"
Char: They said that they were going to include your Haro in Gundam Wing.
Amuro: I decided against it.
(Flashback)
Relena: Why, how do you do, Haro.
Haro: Haro! Relena's a [censored] [censored] skank! Haro!
Relena snaps from that comment and starts chasing it around with a heat hawk.
(End Flashback)
Char: I guess your Haro must be programmed to be rude as well.
Amuro: Actually, it was because Relena's so easy to tick off.
-=*=-
"Go, Dozul"
Dozel: HA! Once the Big-Zam gets mass-produced, the Feddie will be wiped out at an instant!
GM: (Kneeling down to the Big-Zam.) Oh please, Mr. Zam. Be merciful and spare our lives.
Big-Zam: Why sure! NOT! (Starts stomping on the poor group of GMs.)
Meanwhile, Kycilia and Garma are exasperated as they look at Dozel playing with his toys.
Kycilia: Whoever coin the phrase, "I don't wanna grow up..."
Garma: Is already dead, sis.
-=*=-
"Peacecraft In Zeta"
Emma Sheen and Recoa London are fighting it out.
Relena: STOP THIS!! YOU MUST NOT FIGHT!!
Haro: (Hopping from out of nowhere.) Right! Because Relena [censored] [censored] [censored] worse than Dorothy! Haro!
Relena once again gets mad and chases Haro with a 90mm Gelgoog submachine gun.ÿ Emma and Recoa look towards the situation in disgust...
Emma: Hey, I got an idea. Let's play chess instead.
Recoa: Whoever loses must come back to the side they defected from.
Emma: You're on!
-=*=-
"Say Goodbye!"
Heero: Say good-bye, Amuro.
Amuro: Huh?! YOU'RE GONNA KILL ME??!! (A storm of gloom and despair forms over him.) He's gonna kill me... He's actually gonna kill me...!
Heero shoots at his poor fellow teen... With a "Super Soaker Gun."
Heero: Say good-bye to your shirt! Can't you take a joke?!
-=*=-
"Deadly Dorothy"
Nina: What 'cha doin', Professor Rei?
Tem: I'm devising the most powerful armor that can be used against those Zeeks!
*SKREEECK!!*
Dorothy:ÿ Oops.ÿ I'm sorry.ÿ I didn't mean to scratch your mobile suit.
Tem:ÿ With your eyelashs?!
Nina:ÿ SO-LD TO AMERICA-A!!
-=*=-
"Where's Yazan?"
During ZZ Gundam, Yazan Gerber suffers defeat in the hands of Judau's Zeta. He jumps out of the Geze junk MS and "parachutes" to safety while it crashes into Mashymer's Endora. Reliable sources say that he's dead...
Kai: (As a news reporter.) We'll have more on that story as it unfolds. This is Kai Shiden for SBC News, Shangri-La. Alright, that's it!
Yazan: (Carrying video camera.) About freakin' time! I need to smack somebody 'round somethin' awful!
-=*=-
"Bosque's Gas"
At Side 2's 30 Branch, a peaceful pro-Zeon rally is being held.ÿ But the Titans, in their worst showing of force, pump gas into the colony to show that they mean business.
Pretty soon, everyone busts out laughing as if the deadliest joke rose from the dead and vengefully got back at everyone...
Bosque(Hizack): Damn, wrong gas. I'll seriously have to hurt whoever pulled this joke on me.
-=*=-
"Cima's Bad Luck"
Cima: Damn that Zeon government! How dare they use me and then just throw me away like garbage! Now I have nowhere to go...!
Circus Ringmaster: Excuse me, mistress. Would you like a job?
Cima: Doing what?
A day later, Trowa comes back to the circus after his work is finished as a Gundam pilot. He's "shocked" to find that Cima and her crew had taken his place as circus performers.
Trowa: I guess I'm fired from that job...
-=*=-
"Char's Helmet"
Amuro: Char. You got a different helmet. What's up with that?
Char: It's a... "Magic Helmet."
Amuro: ...magic helmet...?!
Char: Ye-s, magic helmet! And I'll give you a sa-mpl-le!
Char then proceeds to wave his arms around. And a lightning strike nearly hits Amuro.
Amuro: S-s-s- Someone's been watching WAY too much Bugs Bunny reruns.
-=*=-
"Missing The Show"
As Slegger (Core Fighter) kamekazies the Big Zam from the underside, Amuro (Gundam) takes the opportunity to strike at the mobile armor.
Dozel: Damn you Feddie punks! I'm a Zabi warrior and I refuse to bail out!
Amuro: Oh yeah?! Well Buffy The Vampire Slayer's playing again, and you're missing the new episodes!
Dozel: WHAT??!! AAAAAAAAHH!!
Later on Dozel has been found watching Buffy on TV and stating how much he sucks.
M'quve: At least Dozel is punctual.
-=*=-
"Don't Make Fun Of Eiphar!"
Aiguille: (Televising to the world their theft of the Gundam GP02.) And this is what the Feds have been creating despite their whiny "Antarctic Treaty!"
Eiphar: (Watching from the bridge of the Albion.) Dang! Those Zeeks are even more troublesome than those pilots and my crew!
Aiguille: And this is for Captain Synapse of the Albion. Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
The rest of Aiguille's crew, including Cima and grudgingly Anavel, gather up as they continue to chant "Are we there yet." This causes poor Eiphar to snap (from dealing with the same type of crap from Kou and his crew). He grabs his handgun and starts shooting at any TV in the ship yelling "SHUT UP!!"
-=*=-
"Masai's Deleted Scene"
Masai Ungaba is in the seat of her late husband's Gelgoog-S...
Masai: That's it. My decision is made. I will strike back at those Feds. And I will SWAT them!
The next scene showing Masai-Gelgoog with a big, nasty fly-swatter and literally smacking the Gundam Team (Loux-Double Zeta, Elle-Hundred Type, Beecha-Zeta, and Mondo-Mark II) upside their heads.
-=*=-
"The Power Of Tarp"
Gateau: Ahh! The magical properties of tarp! With it you can slip through any enclosed property with the ease of a civilized park squirrel.
The next scene shows Gateau hiding in Orville's truck when they slid past security at Torrington base in what's left of Australia. Then it shows Warren acting sick as he, Odelo, and Suzy sneak a missile launcher and its armaments past theÿ Gattarl Squadron.
Gateau: It even does its wonders whilst hiding small munitions from patrols of overzelous dictatoralships like our own! Yes, fellow Colons! The tarp shall give new meaning to the phrase: "COVER ME!"
Meanwhile, poor Synapse had finally passed a measure to vehemently update security during a post-war era.
-=*=-
"Quatre & Earth"
Quatre is found in one of the tents looking at the outside world with his binoculars.
Quatre: The Earth is beautiful... It's just so beautiful... I wanna take off all my clothes and run around naked!
Rommel: (Comes from behind him and bops him over the head with the Raketen Bazooka.) DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT, YOU OVERPOWERED MINERAL BARON!!
-=*=-
"UC-Based Wing?"
Shiden: You know they were gonna use UC mobile suits in Gundam Wing.
Hayato: Well, how come they didn't?
Shiden: It's basically Trowa's fault. They couldn't find a mobile suit with enough weaponry to match the Heavyarms.
Trowa: ..........
Duo: Don't "............" me, Trowa! Damn! I wanted to pilot the Agguy, too.
-=*=-
"The Power Of Fan Service"
Noin: Damn. There must be some way to get Zechs' attention.
Chan: I got an idea for you.
Zechs walks into the MS repair bay. Noin is calling him and he looks straight up... And ends up looking up Noin's SKIRT while she's on the stairs.
Later on Zechs is crying in Treize's arms...
Zechs: I've been mentally scarred for the rest of my natural life!
Treize: It's okay... Just cry it off...
Noin is in the background having her hissy-fit.
-=*=-
"Peacecraft In Victory"
Relena: (Giving her speech.) ...And it's important for everyone to understand the need for peace in this new era of humankind. We must work together... Hey! HEY!!
Everyone's either fallen asleep or left to go somewhere else.
Relena: Hey, you people! I'm an important figure who's trying to give a speech around here! You should lend me your ears with respect, you know!
Maria: (Walking towards her.) You're doing it wrong, Ms. Peacecraft.
Relena: Huh? Maria Pia Armonia of Zanscare BESPA.
Maria: Let me show you how it's done. (Towards the crowd.) HEY!! I'M WEARING NO UNDERWEAR!!
And with that, the crowd starts waking up and filling itself past the perscribed capacity.
Maria: I KNOW WHAT Y'ALL WANT!! LET'S GET RID OF THAT MYSTERY MEAT!! WHO'S WITH ME?!!
And the crowd goes wild, leaving poor Relena in an even worse hissy-fit.
-=*=-
"Kou's Tenacity"
Kou: I don't care what everyone else says! I must win no matter what!
BAM!! DRAW GAME!!
Kou had been playing a VS. game with Allenby.
Allenby: You've improved, young rookie.
Kou: Don't make fun of me...
-=*=-
"Noin's School"
Noin finds her students beatened and bloodied up.
Noin: (Holding one student.) Hey! Are you alright?! What happened here!
Student: ...k... Ka...
Noin: It must be the rebels. I can't believe how low they'll stoop; attacking the pilots instead of the mobile suits...
Student: Ca~mi~ille...!
And everybody within an earshot bursts out laughing before groaning in pain once again.
Noin: Mental note: Expel Camille Vidan.
-=*=-
"Go, Gundam MSiA!"
In a samurai-era Japanese home...
Gundam: (Holding a sobbing GM in her embrace.) I am so sorry, sir! I don't have enough money to pay this month's taxes!
Gouf: (Holding a big, nasty heat sword.) Well then! If you can't pay me with money... Then I'll take the GM as payment instead!
Haman smacks Minerva over the head. She's been collecting MSiA's and, when it comes to scene recreations, is just as bad as her father Dozel.
-=*=-
"...Housebroken?"
Sarah: (Holding a box of chocolate to the confused Paptimus.) Nnnnnnnnn! Paptimus-sama!
Flanders: (Wagging his tail.) Nnnnnnnnn!
Frannie: (Petting Flanders as he licks her face.) Now this is something you don't see everyday.
Paptimus: [I just hope that Sarah doesn't lick MY face.]
-=*=-
"Neo-Zeon ladies do NOT make good dates."
Elpe Puru spends WAY too much time taking her bath.
Haman: (Pointing her gun at you.) Now. Let's begin our date.
Chara: I wanna go in there with you. But I CAN'T!! OH, THE PAIN!! I'M GONNA DIE!!
Nanai throw her glass of wine at you for inadvertantly mention the name of any other woman.
-=*=-
"Go, Ranba!""
Ranba: (Lighting up a Motolov Coctail.) I guess I don't have a choice, do I?ÿ I'm gonna have to blow that Gundam up myself.
Bright: WAIT!! The wine's not Corning!
Ranba takes a look at Bright and his armed men... Then he takes a look at his makeshift weapon...
Ranba: Damn. And it's such a waste too...
He tosses it aside; blowing up Bright and most of his men.
-=*=-
"Signs Of Turn-A"
A sign that Gundam creator Yoshiyuki Tomino may be losing it:
Diana: LOVE AND PEACE!! AND FULL FRONTAL NUDITY!! Oh, hey you! Let's switch places, okay?!
Kiel: Excuse me...?
A sign that Gundam creator Yoshiyuki Tomino is REALLY losing it:
Hayato: Enemy mobile suits?! I'll take them like a piss!
Bright: THAT'S IT!! I QUIT!!
-=*=-
"Zeon Revival"
Meshie: Frankly, I don't understand how we can defeat the Moonrace with MS that had been dug up and unused for Tomino knows how long!
Gavane: Ah, but we ain't got to them "best parts" yet, sweety.
And out from the hiding of the trees; a team of Zaku II's, a Zaku I, a team of Doms, a couple of Goufs, and some Zugocks appear.
Char is laying on the couch, with Amuro (wearing an apron) standing above him; watching Turn-A Gundam on TV.
Char: Apparently someone over at Sotsu Agency and Sunrise wanted to do some real justice with the "mono-eyes."
Amuro: There's also Gundam SEED to worry about...
-=*=-
"Triple Terror"
The Black Trinary Doms are zooming towards the White Base for an attack.
Marsh: We are the ultimately superb Black Trinary!
Ortega: Dat's Rite! An' we ain' lettin' dose stinkin' Feddies take us down wifout a fite!
Gaia: There's the White Base over there! Let's go and... Why are they having a white flag up?
Bright: (Trying miserably to control Kats, Rets, and Kikka.) Because we're all messed up from having to take care of our own bloody "Triple Terror!"
-=*=-
"The Wall Part 2"
Mirai and her daughter Cheimin are walking along a wall with lots of names on them.
Cheimin: Wow! I didn't realize that Char had slept with so many women during his time.
Mirai: That's not the same wall. This is all the women that had came onto Victory Gundam's Usso Irving.
Odelo: CURSE YOU, YOU DAMN GIRL-STEALING PUNK!!
Usso: (Doing repairs on his Gundam.) Hey, how was I suppose to know that I might be related to Char?!
-=*=-
"Peacecraft's Final *Snap*"
Relena Peacecraft is having another one of those speeches about "peace" with Romefeller Foundation.
Senator 1: Are you out of your natural mind?! You can't just come in here and parade around with your "peace crafts" in hopes of changing some views!
Relena: And just what part of peace do you not understand, you ****?! What do you ****ing want me to ****ing do, parade around ****ing naked?! You ****ing scenicks!
Senator 2: I'm beginning to agree with her views already.
Senator 1: I think that Haro thingy screwed with her mind too much.
-=*=-
"I Slept With WHO?!"
Rezun and Gyunei finds a deeply depressed Char in some dark corner...
Gyunei: CHAR! SIR! What happened to you?!
Char: I... I slept w...
Recoa: (Just walked in.) This poor nut found out that he slept with some guy dressed as a girl.
Rezun: Naw! Get outta here! Like I'm suppose to believe that! I mean, we're talking about the same guy who bent Garma over and made him his "he-bitch."
Recoa: "Char makes love to both men and women." He said NOTHING about guys dressing up as women!
Loran: (Dressed up as Lola Roller.) WELL EXCU~SE ME!!
-=*=-
"Oh, Baby"
Fara and Lupe finds Shaqi taking care of the baby Carlman.
Lupe: You know, Gundam Wing nearly had a baby as part of the cast.
Fara: What happened? They found out that Relena wasn't a good foster-mother?
We then cut back to a scene where Treize was taking care of some random baby. The directors of Wing decided that it was not a good idea rating-wise, despite Treize's superb fatherly attributes.
-=*=-
"Puru Clone Problems"
Gremmy: For the love of Mike! I'm already deep into this rewritten part of Double Zeta, and now one of my Puru clones is missing! Huh? Puru #16!
Puru: Wrong! I! Am Neo-German Puru!
Gremmy: (Walks away is disgust.) Forget it! You're expendable!
Puru: You're so mean! I was only joking!
Swartz: Are we back to making fun of me, now?
-=*=-
"Gateau's Nightmare"
Gateau: FOR THE GLORY OF ZEON! WE MUST CONTINUE FIGHTING!!
Fuunsaiki: Yeah! Go Gateau!
Gateau: AAH!! The horse is talking!
Flanders: And he is a great horse to talk with, comrad.
Later on...
Gateau: And the dog was talking as well! With an Eastern European accent!
Augille: Maybe you should change your nickname to "Solomon's Nightmare Victim."
-=*=-
"The Suitcase"
Bright: (Bringing a suitcase to Sayla.) I told Kai to keep this confidential...
Bright hands her the suitcase (supposedly from her brother Casper). She opens it up... And a pie hits her in the face...
Sayla: (In Gundam; wielding a big, nasty beam fish.) CAPSER!! YOU ARE GOING TO DIE!!
Char: (In his Gelgoog.) I guess my sister didn't find my joke funny. -_-;
-=*=-
"Black Trinary Justice!"
Marsh(Dom): WE ARE THE BLACK TRINARIES!! An-
Wufei(Shenlong): I STAND FOR JUSTICE!!
The Black Trinaries (in their Doms), as well as Amuro (in his Gundam), take a moment to look towards Wufei (in his Shenlong Gundam) like it grew an extra head on its shoulders.
Wufei: Uh... Aren't we suppose to fight now?
Matilda: AMURO NO!! (Comes into the scene and whacks Wufei/Shenlong over his head with her Core Fighter.)
-=*=-
"YOU KILLED QUESS!!"
Chanÿ(in the borrowed ReGZ) fires at Quess (Alpha Aziel). She flings Hathaway (Jegan) out of the way before the missile takes the mobile armor and her life.
Hathaway: You! YOU KILLED QUESS! YOU BITCH!!
Chan: You would've had to kill her anyway, you know!
Hathaway: WHAT?! Why would I?!
Chanÿshows him the scene from the "novel version" where Quess goes totally "Pit-Yorkie" and nearly funeralizes Amuro.
Hathaway finally understands. But later on Chan would end up dying anyway out of the shock of finding out that Amuro's actually gay and was "going steady" with Char for a long while.
-=*=-
"Blooper Of The Month"
Zechs: Forget it, Heero. You're no match for my superb rapping skills... Huh?
Heero: Rapping skills? What? You'z a rapper now?
Zechs: No, my script's been written wrong...
Heero: Oh, so you "Biggie" now?
Zechs: (Starts walking away.) Joke's over, Heero. Now leave me alone!
Heero: (Chases after him.) Ooh, you "Pac" now, huh?
Zechs: GET AWAY FROM ME!
-=*=-
"Yes Sir!"
Gateau(Physalis): Don't be so sloppy! I could've struck you down right there!
Kou(Zephyranthes): Yes, sir!
Gateau(Physalis): I'M YOUR ENEMY, YOU idi... waitaminute...
South(GM Command): Kou! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING??!!
The two Gundams are siting down around a campfire with the Zephy taking notes.
Gateau: And it's also important to keep your ears open. Computers aren't always reliable.
Kou: Yes, sir.
-=*=-
"Never Hit A Woman"
Pha: Camille... You'd never punch a woman in the face, would you?
Camille: Of course not. Why would I wanna do something as low as...
Shrike Team: CA~MI~ILLE!!
Oliver: (Finding the Shrikes battered and bruised.) Now who would be as low as to do something like that?
Marvette: (Sweatdropping...) I'll give you three clues...
-=*=-
"Go, Bernie!"
Bernie(Zaku FZ): All I have to do is defeat the Gundam. Besides... I have a lot of traps set out for it.
The Gundam NT makes its way towards the Zaku FZ. But it trips on a wire... And a cake pan falls on top of its head.
Chris(Gundam NT): ........! Okay, that was stupid. I surrender.
Bernie: YES!
-=*=-
"Who's Got Your Gundam?"
Gateau: I proclaim this Gundam, and it's nuclear warhead, in the name of Zeon!
Everyone else pauses... And there's some fumbling around within the Physalis' cockpit...
Gateau: Uh... Yeah... Um...
Nina: HA-HA!! But guess who has the keys to it, biyatch?!
-=*=-
"Weak Wufei?"
The scene where Wufei's out at night, surrounded by hyenas.
Wufei: GE-ET A-WAAAaaaaayyyyaaaaahhhh....!!!
Director: ...Wufei...?
Wufei: ...ah-CHOO!
Random Hyena: So the guy's alergic to fur after all, huh? Ha-hah!
Flanders: Da, comrade. It is such an empty feeling to deal with these weak humans.
-=*=-
"Flying Goufs"
Shiro and Terry (from their Gundams on the ground) spot the Gouf Flight Type being tested in the air.
Shiro(Gundam Ez8): So THIS is the Flying Gouf?! How the hell does Zeon think they'll win with a junk heep like that?!
Terry(Gundam Ground Type): I don't know... But I think we better move out of the way before...
Just then, the GFT crashes right on top of the two Feddie MS.
Ginias: YES!!ÿ SUCCESS!!ÿ My mobile suits work after all!
Aina: That's it. Where's my parachute?
-=*=-
"Go, Aiguille!"
Aiguille Delaz is televizing to the world his loyal soldier's recent capture of the GP02 Physalis.
Aiguille: Friends, foes, and those I don't know! Lend me your eyes and ears for I have captured from the Federation... What the HELL DID YOU DO TO IT??!!
Said Gundam is merely a super-imposed image of the recently built MG Physalis model... Posed to flip gang signs like some deranged Blood/Crip member.
Karius: Shall I proceed to kick the ass of that moron who did this, sir?
Aiguille: Yeah, sure.
-=*=-
"It Was On Sale!"
Amuro (in his Re-GZ) flies around the Axis asteroid, under a heavy rain of bullets and laser fire, in search of Char. He finds him, piloting... Whatever the hell piece of crap MS it is.
Amuro: What's up with you, speedball?! The mecha designers forgotten who your real alias is?!
Char: Yeah, sure! Make fun of my MS! You're STILL no match for me! And besides, I got this on sale!
Amuro: "You got that on sale!" And from where, I'm afraid to ask, did you get it?! On sale?!
Kelly: CRAZY KELLY'S AMAZING EMPORIUM OF TOTAL BARGAIN MOBILE SUIT MADNESS!! (Starts laughing uncontrollably.)
Lateura: (Reading the script.) Okay, where's the part where _I'M_ put out of my misery?
-=*=-
"Bosque's Gas Part 2"
Bosque: (In his Hizack as he starts pumping gas into Side 1's 30 Branch.) HAH!! I'll show these Colons a thing or two! This'll be the last time they start preaching their propaganda about Newtypes!
The Titans had managed to hush up their dreaded works on an official level. But word spreads rapidly about what had happened over at the 30th Branch of Side 1...
...where everyone woke up around twelve hours later and wondered why sleeping gas had been pumped into their home colony.
-=*=-
"Babysitter"
Rakan: So you're going to be Minerva Zabi's regent, huh? I doubt such a young, nubile woman can be capable of handling such a large task.
Haman: Don't get me wrong, Dakaran. Age has nothing to do with my talents. I'll show you the reaches of my power when it comes to the political world.
Yazan: (Suddenly busts in with his trademark angered look on his face.) ALRIGHT!! I'D LIKE TO FIND THE [censored] [censored] WHO DECIDED TO [oh, you get the idea] MY ZETA GUNDAM DVD SET!!
Haman: (Instantly reverting to her little-girl personality.) Ya~za~n! Plea~ze buy me ice crea~m!
Yazan: ...oooohhhh crap...!
Rakan: And so our "lady" says...
-=*=-
"Kou's Tenacity Part 2"
Kou:ÿ Kelly's out there with his mobile armor!ÿ I need to stop it!ÿ Is the GP1 repaired yet?!
Nina:ÿ No, not yet.ÿ You just have to make due with what we have, Kou.
Kou:ÿ You mean to tell me that...?!
Kelly (Val Varo):ÿ This is it!ÿ If I can't join in the fight, then I'll go out wi- *BUNP!*ÿ OW!ÿ Hey!ÿ What the hell?!ÿ A HARO??!!
Kou (Oversided Haro):ÿ SHUT UP!!
-=*=-
"Blooper Of The Month Part 2"
Heero, in his Wing Zero Custom, prepares to fire his Twin Buster Rifles at the falling meteor.ÿ And the resulting explosion occurs.
Relena:ÿ Yay!ÿ Heero did it!ÿ He...ÿ Deflected the meteor...ÿ Heero...?
Sally:ÿ He wasn't supposed to deflect the meteor...?
Unfortunately, the Wing Zero Custom had been heavily damaged from said explosion.
Heero:ÿ (Eyes spiralling.)ÿ ...misfire...
-=*=-
"G-Gundam's Editing"
American media cowardice strikes the G-Gundam TV series:
Delete all mentioning of religion.
Chibodee:ÿ Oh for the love of Jesus H. Christ!
Rename all mobile suits with ethnically insulting names.
Gundam Nether:ÿ Huh?ÿ "Hurricane Gundam?"ÿ You couldn't call me "Dutch Gundam" or "Gundam Holland?"
Insert all advertisement of American products.
We see a billboard of Allenby holding a 16 oz. bottle of Pepsi as we hear Master Asia kicking the collective asses of the people behind the changes.
-=*=-
"I'm Victor Gaintz"
Victor:ÿ I am Victor Gaintz, head of the "Perfect Peace People."ÿ And I'm not sure why I'm included in this God-forsaken parody of the little tidbits that happen during many of the popular Gundam series, but I'll let you know this much.ÿ I will NOT let this interfere with my "sublime mission!"
He then looks out the window into space and takes notice of a _lime_ floating by...
Victor:ÿ (Grimacing...)ÿ And one was assaulted...ÿ Peanut...ÿ Haahahahahaha...
-=*=-
"Don't Make Fun Of Zechs"
Soldier:ÿ A white mobile suit is coming this way, Char!ÿ Should we shoot at it?!
Char:ÿ Yes, we should shoot at it.ÿ Give it machine guns.ÿ Give it so many rounds of machine guns that 1st Gundam elitist fans won't even recognize it.
Zechs looks up to see three Zakues chasing the Gundam with two machine guns in each of their hands.
Zechs:ÿ (Sobbing...) Will you quit making fun of me...?
Disclaimer 2:ÿ These are a collection of the humor I considered my best.ÿ In fact, and I should've mentioned this before, all the text humor I did are based on works done my Koichi Tokida (alias "Teacher Tokida").ÿ Let's say what we feel like about Tokyo-Pop, but I still believe that the Gundam Wing manga told a better story in 12 parts than the TV show.
GUNDAM WORLD TEXT HUMOR
The Best Of The Worst!
****************
"The Wall"
Mirai and her daughter Cheimin walk through the park and towards a wall with millions of names written on it.
Cheimin: Is that all the people that fought and died between the One Year War and the Second Neo-Zeon War?
Mirai: No, dear. That's the many woman that Char had slept with before he met his end in CCA.ÿ Huh?ÿ What's this...?ÿ AMURO REI??!!
Meanwhile, Bright's rightfully kicking Amuro's ass for sleeping with Char.
-=*=-
"Shiro Behind The RB-79 Ball"
A transport ship en route to Earth spots a running battle between the Feds' prototype GM and Zeon's prototype Zaku RD4.
Shiro: I have to help fight that Zaku!
Michael: Don't be a fool! The only thing we have on this ship is a...
Aina prepares the final blow to her enemy. But she ends up freaking out as 'Haro' bounces into the scene and bumps her out of the way.
-=*=-
"Izza Cold Day..."
Steiner (Zugock-E): Okay, guys! Let's make it painful and quick!
Misha (Hygogg): DA, COMRAD!! VICTORY TO ZEON!!
The Hygoggs and Zugock-E attack the Antarctic Base. And when the smoke clears... Two dazed and confused MS are found.
Zechs (Tallgeese): Duuuu... What happened...?
Heero (Wing Gundam): My mission... ...my mission is...
Steiner (Zugock-E): Uh... Wrong universe?
Misha (Hygogg): Oops! Sorry!
-=*=-
"Peacecraft In UC"
Char and Amuro are in another one of their fights.
Relena: STOP THIS!! YOU MUST NOT FIGHT!!
She gets in the way and is immediately stabbed by Amuro and Char. They both snapped out of it to see what they did.
Char and Amuro: [Bowing to Milliardo] WE'RE SO SORRY!!
Milliardo: [Holding a dead Relena] You know...
Heero: Woah. These guys do a much better job than me.
-=*=-
"The Power Of Epyon"
Treize: [With Lady Une in the background.] The Epyon is the strongest MS made. It's also got the "Zero System" which enables the pilot to act without hesitation...
They look towards the Epyon, sitting in a sulking position and spreading its presence of gloom and despair.
Treize: Get out!
Lady Une: But this guy was just tweaking the system for us...
Amuro: Sorry...
-=*=-
"Al & Friends"
Al's classmates (Chay and Telcott) pass by him as he draws a Zaku II.
Chay: Hey, wha'cha drawin'?
Al: A Zaku II. Mobile suits are cool.
Dorothy: That's right. Mobile suits ARE cool.
The real Dorothy (from 0080) does a flying kick into Wing Dorothy's face.
Dorothy '80: STOP TAKING MY PLACE!!
-=*=-
"Kai's Note"
Hayato receives a note from Kai:
Shiden: Dear Hayato, how's Frau and the kids? Wish you luck with your own newborn. QUATRO [CENSORED] IS CHAR!! Hope to see you soon, Kai Shiden. P.S. He's also Casper Tycoon, "Remue Dadaam Herumet," and crossdresses as "Amanda Huginkiss."
Char: As soon as we're into my Counterattack movie, I'll kill Kai.
-=*=-
"Won Lee's Bad Luck"
Bright: Won Lee! What happened to you?
Won: I went to set these five punks from Gundam Wing straight...!
Bright: ...And I suppose they went and defended themselves, did they?
Won: No. Their fans came and beat the crap outta me.
-=*=-
"Hizack's First Run"
Emma and her subordinates are at the MS hanger with the newly introduced Hizacks.
Emma: Okay, troops! This'll be the first time for some of you using the Hizacks. Just think of it as advanced training.
Soldier: But ma'am... They look like Zakues!
Emma: Your point being, cadet?
Soldier: (Starting to cry.) One of these things blew up my town.
Emma: AH! Da hell!
Karen: Hey, Ms. Sheen! I got an idea for ya!
Quattro: A group of mobile suits are coming in at full speed, Camille!
Camille: Yeah, but... They're all "GM-Heads."
-=*=-
"Jerid The Lady's Man"
Jerid: Hey! Who are you and why are you clinging to me so tight?!
Dorothy: My name is Dorothy. And I just happened to like strong men.
Jerid manages to escape Dorothy's grasp and high-tails it to parts unknown; leaving the scary-eyebrowed platinum blonde to call out his name.
Jerid: (Walking towards Maua) Damn, her eyebrows are scary. Hey, beautiful! You won't believe what I saw... AAAAAHHHH!!!
Maua: (Wearing fake eyebrows in an attempt to look like Dorothy.) Wel-come ba-ack.
-=*=-
"Here's Your MS"
Zechs: Here's your MS, Heero. Take it.
Heero then proceeds to beat Zechs senseless with a large 2x4 after finding out that the mobile suit he was trying to give him is an Agguy.
Duo: HEY! What's wrong with the Agguy?! It's a cool MS!
-=*=-
"Trei Vs. Ray"
Treize: Let's fight, Amuro.
Amuro: Awwh... Okay. You're into fencing, right?
Treize: That's right. (Holding his rapier.) The way of the sword is the essense of choreographic art; the language that can only be spoken between two combatants in chivalrous combat...
Amuro walks in all decked out in his kendo uniform and, with his bokken, gets into his stance.
Treize: ...hmph... "I'm no good with swords," Wufei said.ÿ "Let's fight in MS, Treize." I might have some fun after all.
-=*=-
"Flowers"
Dorothy enters the scene with a whole bunch of roses in the background, catching Four by surprise. But Four has her own rose background, catching Dorothy off guard.
Dorothy: Oh dear. Roses from you? I didn't know you have such great interests in them.
Four: But they're so wonderful. They smell like the first day of spring.
Meanwhile, Treize is crying and scratching on the door of the greenhouse shop which had just ran out of roses.
-=*=-
"Call Of The Spirits"
It's the final battle between Camille (in his Zeta) and Paptimus (in his The-O). The later's hard to defeat and getting the upper hand due to his incredible Newtype powers. But Camille gets help from the ghosts of his loved ones. Four. Emma. Rozamia. Misha?!
Camille: HUH?! What are you doing here?!
Misha: What?! Can't a reformed ghost of a former Zeon officer help out a fellow Colon in need?!
Gateau: That's right! Even when our spirits escape our bodies, we must stick together in times of peril!
Cima: Yeah. Sure. Right. Screw all these pop-stars, kid. I'll show you how it's done the right way.
Camille: HEY! My head is NOT a Holiday Inn!
Hilda: Camille. Are you wearing clean underwear?
Camille: MOM!!
Paptimus (The-O): Uh... Arst thou ready yet...?
-=*=-
"Zeta's End"
Bright: Well, so much for that bloody hell. We wiped out most of the Titans, but we didn't come out squeaky clean ourselves.
Bright's refering to the piece of corn (Camille) in the corner that Pha's crying on.
Pha: That evil man! What dastardly thing did he do to make you this way, Camille?!
In Camille's mind, Paptimus is in his 60's get-up and playing non-stop disco.
Paptimus: "Flappin' my arms I begin to clutch! Dan-dan-dadadan-daa-da! Look at ME! I'm a disco duck!"
Camille: AAAAAAHH!! STOP IT!!
-=*=-
"Go, Lions!"
Leo 1: This fog is SO thick! I can cut it with a beam sword!
Leo 2: Keep your wits about you, soldier! If these Gundams can wipe the floor with those other troops, you definitely don't wanna be caught off guard!
*CRASH!!*
Leo 2: Huh?! IT'S A GUN...! ...dam...?
Leo 1: And it crashed into a side of a building 12 miles from here. I told you that this fog is trouble.
Heero (Wing): (Emerging from the rubble.) Especially when a flock of crows get in your way when you go mach-II....
-=*=-
"Poor Birdy"
It's raining outside as Amuro heads for shelter. He ends up meeting a lady (Lalah) on the porch of a nearby house. He decides to head there so he can atleast start a conversation.
As soon as he arrives, she points to the nearby lake where a swan is about to make its landing...
And then the poor swan had to duck a blast from a shotgun. It flies away, being chased by three guys in a jeep. And they just happened to be the Black Trinity (Marsh, Gaia, and Ortega).
Amuro: (Exasperated.) HEY!! DIDN'T I JUST FUNERALIZED YOU GUYS??!!
-=*=-
"I Love Animals"
Trowa: I like animals. I love all wild animals. (Petting Usso's dog Flanders.)
Flanders: Nyet, comrade... I am not wild. Merely a family dog.
Gordon: Okay. Since you're so good with animal, then what can you do about...?
Gordon's referring to Chara Soon who's found dry-humping one of Neo-Zeon's newly made prototype MS.
-=*=-
"Don't Make Fun Of My Name!"
Titan pilots: CA-MI-ILLE!!
Camille: QUIT MAKING FUN OF MY NAME!! Especially when you have a leader who's named "Jamitov Hyman!"
Titan pilots: But he'll kill us.
Camille: OH, FOR THE LOVE OF...!!ÿ THAT'S IT!!ÿ I'M CROSSDRESSING!!
-=*=-
"More Fun With Haro"
Char: They said that they were going to include your Haro in Gundam Wing.
Amuro: I decided against it.
(Flashback)
Relena: Why, how do you do, Haro.
Haro: Haro! Relena's a [censored] [censored] skank! Haro!
Relena snaps from that comment and starts chasing it around with a heat hawk.
(End Flashback)
Char: I guess your Haro must be programmed to be rude as well.
Amuro: Actually, it was because Relena's so easy to tick off.
-=*=-
"Go, Dozul"
Dozel: HA! Once the Big-Zam gets mass-produced, the Feddie will be wiped out at an instant!
GM: (Kneeling down to the Big-Zam.) Oh please, Mr. Zam. Be merciful and spare our lives.
Big-Zam: Why sure! NOT! (Starts stomping on the poor group of GMs.)
Meanwhile, Kycilia and Garma are exasperated as they look at Dozel playing with his toys.
Kycilia: Whoever coin the phrase, "I don't wanna grow up..."
Garma: Is already dead, sis.
-=*=-
"Peacecraft In Zeta"
Emma Sheen and Recoa London are fighting it out.
Relena: STOP THIS!! YOU MUST NOT FIGHT!!
Haro: (Hopping from out of nowhere.) Right! Because Relena [censored] [censored] [censored] worse than Dorothy! Haro!
Relena once again gets mad and chases Haro with a 90mm Gelgoog submachine gun.ÿ Emma and Recoa look towards the situation in disgust...
Emma: Hey, I got an idea. Let's play chess instead.
Recoa: Whoever loses must come back to the side they defected from.
Emma: You're on!
-=*=-
"Say Goodbye!"
Heero: Say good-bye, Amuro.
Amuro: Huh?! YOU'RE GONNA KILL ME??!! (A storm of gloom and despair forms over him.) He's gonna kill me... He's actually gonna kill me...!
Heero shoots at his poor fellow teen... With a "Super Soaker Gun."
Heero: Say good-bye to your shirt! Can't you take a joke?!
-=*=-
"Deadly Dorothy"
Nina: What 'cha doin', Professor Rei?
Tem: I'm devising the most powerful armor that can be used against those Zeeks!
*SKREEECK!!*
Dorothy:ÿ Oops.ÿ I'm sorry.ÿ I didn't mean to scratch your mobile suit.
Tem:ÿ With your eyelashs?!
Nina:ÿ SO-LD TO AMERICA-A!!
-=*=-
"Where's Yazan?"
During ZZ Gundam, Yazan Gerber suffers defeat in the hands of Judau's Zeta. He jumps out of the Geze junk MS and "parachutes" to safety while it crashes into Mashymer's Endora. Reliable sources say that he's dead...
Kai: (As a news reporter.) We'll have more on that story as it unfolds. This is Kai Shiden for SBC News, Shangri-La. Alright, that's it!
Yazan: (Carrying video camera.) About freakin' time! I need to smack somebody 'round somethin' awful!
-=*=-
"Bosque's Gas"
At Side 2's 30 Branch, a peaceful pro-Zeon rally is being held.ÿ But the Titans, in their worst showing of force, pump gas into the colony to show that they mean business.
Pretty soon, everyone busts out laughing as if the deadliest joke rose from the dead and vengefully got back at everyone...
Bosque(Hizack): Damn, wrong gas. I'll seriously have to hurt whoever pulled this joke on me.
-=*=-
"Cima's Bad Luck"
Cima: Damn that Zeon government! How dare they use me and then just throw me away like garbage! Now I have nowhere to go...!
Circus Ringmaster: Excuse me, mistress. Would you like a job?
Cima: Doing what?
A day later, Trowa comes back to the circus after his work is finished as a Gundam pilot. He's "shocked" to find that Cima and her crew had taken his place as circus performers.
Trowa: I guess I'm fired from that job...
-=*=-
"Char's Helmet"
Amuro: Char. You got a different helmet. What's up with that?
Char: It's a... "Magic Helmet."
Amuro: ...magic helmet...?!
Char: Ye-s, magic helmet! And I'll give you a sa-mpl-le!
Char then proceeds to wave his arms around. And a lightning strike nearly hits Amuro.
Amuro: S-s-s- Someone's been watching WAY too much Bugs Bunny reruns.
-=*=-
"Missing The Show"
As Slegger (Core Fighter) kamekazies the Big Zam from the underside, Amuro (Gundam) takes the opportunity to strike at the mobile armor.
Dozel: Damn you Feddie punks! I'm a Zabi warrior and I refuse to bail out!
Amuro: Oh yeah?! Well Buffy The Vampire Slayer's playing again, and you're missing the new episodes!
Dozel: WHAT??!! AAAAAAAAHH!!
Later on Dozel has been found watching Buffy on TV and stating how much he sucks.
M'quve: At least Dozel is punctual.
-=*=-
"Don't Make Fun Of Eiphar!"
Aiguille: (Televising to the world their theft of the Gundam GP02.) And this is what the Feds have been creating despite their whiny "Antarctic Treaty!"
Eiphar: (Watching from the bridge of the Albion.) Dang! Those Zeeks are even more troublesome than those pilots and my crew!
Aiguille: And this is for Captain Synapse of the Albion. Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
The rest of Aiguille's crew, including Cima and grudgingly Anavel, gather up as they continue to chant "Are we there yet." This causes poor Eiphar to snap (from dealing with the same type of crap from Kou and his crew). He grabs his handgun and starts shooting at any TV in the ship yelling "SHUT UP!!"
-=*=-
"Masai's Deleted Scene"
Masai Ungaba is in the seat of her late husband's Gelgoog-S...
Masai: That's it. My decision is made. I will strike back at those Feds. And I will SWAT them!
The next scene showing Masai-Gelgoog with a big, nasty fly-swatter and literally smacking the Gundam Team (Loux-Double Zeta, Elle-Hundred Type, Beecha-Zeta, and Mondo-Mark II) upside their heads.
-=*=-
"The Power Of Tarp"
Gateau: Ahh! The magical properties of tarp! With it you can slip through any enclosed property with the ease of a civilized park squirrel.
The next scene shows Gateau hiding in Orville's truck when they slid past security at Torrington base in what's left of Australia. Then it shows Warren acting sick as he, Odelo, and Suzy sneak a missile launcher and its armaments past theÿ Gattarl Squadron.
Gateau: It even does its wonders whilst hiding small munitions from patrols of overzelous dictatoralships like our own! Yes, fellow Colons! The tarp shall give new meaning to the phrase: "COVER ME!"
Meanwhile, poor Synapse had finally passed a measure to vehemently update security during a post-war era.
-=*=-
"Quatre & Earth"
Quatre is found in one of the tents looking at the outside world with his binoculars.
Quatre: The Earth is beautiful... It's just so beautiful... I wanna take off all my clothes and run around naked!
Rommel: (Comes from behind him and bops him over the head with the Raketen Bazooka.) DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT, YOU OVERPOWERED MINERAL BARON!!
-=*=-
"UC-Based Wing?"
Shiden: You know they were gonna use UC mobile suits in Gundam Wing.
Hayato: Well, how come they didn't?
Shiden: It's basically Trowa's fault. They couldn't find a mobile suit with enough weaponry to match the Heavyarms.
Trowa: ..........
Duo: Don't "............" me, Trowa! Damn! I wanted to pilot the Agguy, too.
-=*=-
"The Power Of Fan Service"
Noin: Damn. There must be some way to get Zechs' attention.
Chan: I got an idea for you.
Zechs walks into the MS repair bay. Noin is calling him and he looks straight up... And ends up looking up Noin's SKIRT while she's on the stairs.
Later on Zechs is crying in Treize's arms...
Zechs: I've been mentally scarred for the rest of my natural life!
Treize: It's okay... Just cry it off...
Noin is in the background having her hissy-fit.
-=*=-
"Peacecraft In Victory"
Relena: (Giving her speech.) ...And it's important for everyone to understand the need for peace in this new era of humankind. We must work together... Hey! HEY!!
Everyone's either fallen asleep or left to go somewhere else.
Relena: Hey, you people! I'm an important figure who's trying to give a speech around here! You should lend me your ears with respect, you know!
Maria: (Walking towards her.) You're doing it wrong, Ms. Peacecraft.
Relena: Huh? Maria Pia Armonia of Zanscare BESPA.
Maria: Let me show you how it's done. (Towards the crowd.) HEY!! I'M WEARING NO UNDERWEAR!!
And with that, the crowd starts waking up and filling itself past the perscribed capacity.
Maria: I KNOW WHAT Y'ALL WANT!! LET'S GET RID OF THAT MYSTERY MEAT!! WHO'S WITH ME?!!
And the crowd goes wild, leaving poor Relena in an even worse hissy-fit.
-=*=-
"Kou's Tenacity"
Kou: I don't care what everyone else says! I must win no matter what!
BAM!! DRAW GAME!!
Kou had been playing a VS. game with Allenby.
Allenby: You've improved, young rookie.
Kou: Don't make fun of me...
-=*=-
"Noin's School"
Noin finds her students beatened and bloodied up.
Noin: (Holding one student.) Hey! Are you alright?! What happened here!
Student: ...k... Ka...
Noin: It must be the rebels. I can't believe how low they'll stoop; attacking the pilots instead of the mobile suits...
Student: Ca~mi~ille...!
And everybody within an earshot bursts out laughing before groaning in pain once again.
Noin: Mental note: Expel Camille Vidan.
-=*=-
"Go, Gundam MSiA!"
In a samurai-era Japanese home...
Gundam: (Holding a sobbing GM in her embrace.) I am so sorry, sir! I don't have enough money to pay this month's taxes!
Gouf: (Holding a big, nasty heat sword.) Well then! If you can't pay me with money... Then I'll take the GM as payment instead!
Haman smacks Minerva over the head. She's been collecting MSiA's and, when it comes to scene recreations, is just as bad as her father Dozel.
-=*=-
"...Housebroken?"
Sarah: (Holding a box of chocolate to the confused Paptimus.) Nnnnnnnnn! Paptimus-sama!
Flanders: (Wagging his tail.) Nnnnnnnnn!
Frannie: (Petting Flanders as he licks her face.) Now this is something you don't see everyday.
Paptimus: [I just hope that Sarah doesn't lick MY face.]
-=*=-
"Neo-Zeon ladies do NOT make good dates."
Elpe Puru spends WAY too much time taking her bath.
Haman: (Pointing her gun at you.) Now. Let's begin our date.
Chara: I wanna go in there with you. But I CAN'T!! OH, THE PAIN!! I'M GONNA DIE!!
Nanai throw her glass of wine at you for inadvertantly mention the name of any other woman.
-=*=-
"Go, Ranba!""
Ranba: (Lighting up a Motolov Coctail.) I guess I don't have a choice, do I?ÿ I'm gonna have to blow that Gundam up myself.
Bright: WAIT!! The wine's not Corning!
Ranba takes a look at Bright and his armed men... Then he takes a look at his makeshift weapon...
Ranba: Damn. And it's such a waste too...
He tosses it aside; blowing up Bright and most of his men.
-=*=-
"Signs Of Turn-A"
A sign that Gundam creator Yoshiyuki Tomino may be losing it:
Diana: LOVE AND PEACE!! AND FULL FRONTAL NUDITY!! Oh, hey you! Let's switch places, okay?!
Kiel: Excuse me...?
A sign that Gundam creator Yoshiyuki Tomino is REALLY losing it:
Hayato: Enemy mobile suits?! I'll take them like a piss!
Bright: THAT'S IT!! I QUIT!!
-=*=-
"Zeon Revival"
Meshie: Frankly, I don't understand how we can defeat the Moonrace with MS that had been dug up and unused for Tomino knows how long!
Gavane: Ah, but we ain't got to them "best parts" yet, sweety.
And out from the hiding of the trees; a team of Zaku II's, a Zaku I, a team of Doms, a couple of Goufs, and some Zugocks appear.
Char is laying on the couch, with Amuro (wearing an apron) standing above him; watching Turn-A Gundam on TV.
Char: Apparently someone over at Sotsu Agency and Sunrise wanted to do some real justice with the "mono-eyes."
Amuro: There's also Gundam SEED to worry about...
-=*=-
"Triple Terror"
The Black Trinary Doms are zooming towards the White Base for an attack.
Marsh: We are the ultimately superb Black Trinary!
Ortega: Dat's Rite! An' we ain' lettin' dose stinkin' Feddies take us down wifout a fite!
Gaia: There's the White Base over there! Let's go and... Why are they having a white flag up?
Bright: (Trying miserably to control Kats, Rets, and Kikka.) Because we're all messed up from having to take care of our own bloody "Triple Terror!"
-=*=-
"The Wall Part 2"
Mirai and her daughter Cheimin are walking along a wall with lots of names on them.
Cheimin: Wow! I didn't realize that Char had slept with so many women during his time.
Mirai: That's not the same wall. This is all the women that had came onto Victory Gundam's Usso Irving.
Odelo: CURSE YOU, YOU DAMN GIRL-STEALING PUNK!!
Usso: (Doing repairs on his Gundam.) Hey, how was I suppose to know that I might be related to Char?!
-=*=-
"Peacecraft's Final *Snap*"
Relena Peacecraft is having another one of those speeches about "peace" with Romefeller Foundation.
Senator 1: Are you out of your natural mind?! You can't just come in here and parade around with your "peace crafts" in hopes of changing some views!
Relena: And just what part of peace do you not understand, you ****?! What do you ****ing want me to ****ing do, parade around ****ing naked?! You ****ing scenicks!
Senator 2: I'm beginning to agree with her views already.
Senator 1: I think that Haro thingy screwed with her mind too much.
-=*=-
"I Slept With WHO?!"
Rezun and Gyunei finds a deeply depressed Char in some dark corner...
Gyunei: CHAR! SIR! What happened to you?!
Char: I... I slept w...
Recoa: (Just walked in.) This poor nut found out that he slept with some guy dressed as a girl.
Rezun: Naw! Get outta here! Like I'm suppose to believe that! I mean, we're talking about the same guy who bent Garma over and made him his "he-bitch."
Recoa: "Char makes love to both men and women." He said NOTHING about guys dressing up as women!
Loran: (Dressed up as Lola Roller.) WELL EXCU~SE ME!!
-=*=-
"Oh, Baby"
Fara and Lupe finds Shaqi taking care of the baby Carlman.
Lupe: You know, Gundam Wing nearly had a baby as part of the cast.
Fara: What happened? They found out that Relena wasn't a good foster-mother?
We then cut back to a scene where Treize was taking care of some random baby. The directors of Wing decided that it was not a good idea rating-wise, despite Treize's superb fatherly attributes.
-=*=-
"Puru Clone Problems"
Gremmy: For the love of Mike! I'm already deep into this rewritten part of Double Zeta, and now one of my Puru clones is missing! Huh? Puru #16!
Puru: Wrong! I! Am Neo-German Puru!
Gremmy: (Walks away is disgust.) Forget it! You're expendable!
Puru: You're so mean! I was only joking!
Swartz: Are we back to making fun of me, now?
-=*=-
"Gateau's Nightmare"
Gateau: FOR THE GLORY OF ZEON! WE MUST CONTINUE FIGHTING!!
Fuunsaiki: Yeah! Go Gateau!
Gateau: AAH!! The horse is talking!
Flanders: And he is a great horse to talk with, comrad.
Later on...
Gateau: And the dog was talking as well! With an Eastern European accent!
Augille: Maybe you should change your nickname to "Solomon's Nightmare Victim."
-=*=-
"The Suitcase"
Bright: (Bringing a suitcase to Sayla.) I told Kai to keep this confidential...
Bright hands her the suitcase (supposedly from her brother Casper). She opens it up... And a pie hits her in the face...
Sayla: (In Gundam; wielding a big, nasty beam fish.) CAPSER!! YOU ARE GOING TO DIE!!
Char: (In his Gelgoog.) I guess my sister didn't find my joke funny. -_-;
-=*=-
"Black Trinary Justice!"
Marsh(Dom): WE ARE THE BLACK TRINARIES!! An-
Wufei(Shenlong): I STAND FOR JUSTICE!!
The Black Trinaries (in their Doms), as well as Amuro (in his Gundam), take a moment to look towards Wufei (in his Shenlong Gundam) like it grew an extra head on its shoulders.
Wufei: Uh... Aren't we suppose to fight now?
Matilda: AMURO NO!! (Comes into the scene and whacks Wufei/Shenlong over his head with her Core Fighter.)
-=*=-
"YOU KILLED QUESS!!"
Chanÿ(in the borrowed ReGZ) fires at Quess (Alpha Aziel). She flings Hathaway (Jegan) out of the way before the missile takes the mobile armor and her life.
Hathaway: You! YOU KILLED QUESS! YOU BITCH!!
Chan: You would've had to kill her anyway, you know!
Hathaway: WHAT?! Why would I?!
Chanÿshows him the scene from the "novel version" where Quess goes totally "Pit-Yorkie" and nearly funeralizes Amuro.
Hathaway finally understands. But later on Chan would end up dying anyway out of the shock of finding out that Amuro's actually gay and was "going steady" with Char for a long while.
-=*=-
"Blooper Of The Month"
Zechs: Forget it, Heero. You're no match for my superb rapping skills... Huh?
Heero: Rapping skills? What? You'z a rapper now?
Zechs: No, my script's been written wrong...
Heero: Oh, so you "Biggie" now?
Zechs: (Starts walking away.) Joke's over, Heero. Now leave me alone!
Heero: (Chases after him.) Ooh, you "Pac" now, huh?
Zechs: GET AWAY FROM ME!
-=*=-
"Yes Sir!"
Gateau(Physalis): Don't be so sloppy! I could've struck you down right there!
Kou(Zephyranthes): Yes, sir!
Gateau(Physalis): I'M YOUR ENEMY, YOU idi... waitaminute...
South(GM Command): Kou! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING??!!
The two Gundams are siting down around a campfire with the Zephy taking notes.
Gateau: And it's also important to keep your ears open. Computers aren't always reliable.
Kou: Yes, sir.
-=*=-
"Never Hit A Woman"
Pha: Camille... You'd never punch a woman in the face, would you?
Camille: Of course not. Why would I wanna do something as low as...
Shrike Team: CA~MI~ILLE!!
Oliver: (Finding the Shrikes battered and bruised.) Now who would be as low as to do something like that?
Marvette: (Sweatdropping...) I'll give you three clues...
-=*=-
"Go, Bernie!"
Bernie(Zaku FZ): All I have to do is defeat the Gundam. Besides... I have a lot of traps set out for it.
The Gundam NT makes its way towards the Zaku FZ. But it trips on a wire... And a cake pan falls on top of its head.
Chris(Gundam NT): ........! Okay, that was stupid. I surrender.
Bernie: YES!
-=*=-
"Who's Got Your Gundam?"
Gateau: I proclaim this Gundam, and it's nuclear warhead, in the name of Zeon!
Everyone else pauses... And there's some fumbling around within the Physalis' cockpit...
Gateau: Uh... Yeah... Um...
Nina: HA-HA!! But guess who has the keys to it, biyatch?!
-=*=-
"Weak Wufei?"
The scene where Wufei's out at night, surrounded by hyenas.
Wufei: GE-ET A-WAAAaaaaayyyyaaaaahhhh....!!!
Director: ...Wufei...?
Wufei: ...ah-CHOO!
Random Hyena: So the guy's alergic to fur after all, huh? Ha-hah!
Flanders: Da, comrade. It is such an empty feeling to deal with these weak humans.
-=*=-
"Flying Goufs"
Shiro and Terry (from their Gundams on the ground) spot the Gouf Flight Type being tested in the air.
Shiro(Gundam Ez8): So THIS is the Flying Gouf?! How the hell does Zeon think they'll win with a junk heep like that?!
Terry(Gundam Ground Type): I don't know... But I think we better move out of the way before...
Just then, the GFT crashes right on top of the two Feddie MS.
Ginias: YES!!ÿ SUCCESS!!ÿ My mobile suits work after all!
Aina: That's it. Where's my parachute?
-=*=-
"Go, Aiguille!"
Aiguille Delaz is televizing to the world his loyal soldier's recent capture of the GP02 Physalis.
Aiguille: Friends, foes, and those I don't know! Lend me your eyes and ears for I have captured from the Federation... What the HELL DID YOU DO TO IT??!!
Said Gundam is merely a super-imposed image of the recently built MG Physalis model... Posed to flip gang signs like some deranged Blood/Crip member.
Karius: Shall I proceed to kick the ass of that moron who did this, sir?
Aiguille: Yeah, sure.
-=*=-
"It Was On Sale!"
Amuro (in his Re-GZ) flies around the Axis asteroid, under a heavy rain of bullets and laser fire, in search of Char. He finds him, piloting... Whatever the hell piece of crap MS it is.
Amuro: What's up with you, speedball?! The mecha designers forgotten who your real alias is?!
Char: Yeah, sure! Make fun of my MS! You're STILL no match for me! And besides, I got this on sale!
Amuro: "You got that on sale!" And from where, I'm afraid to ask, did you get it?! On sale?!
Kelly: CRAZY KELLY'S AMAZING EMPORIUM OF TOTAL BARGAIN MOBILE SUIT MADNESS!! (Starts laughing uncontrollably.)
Lateura: (Reading the script.) Okay, where's the part where _I'M_ put out of my misery?
-=*=-
"Bosque's Gas Part 2"
Bosque: (In his Hizack as he starts pumping gas into Side 1's 30 Branch.) HAH!! I'll show these Colons a thing or two! This'll be the last time they start preaching their propaganda about Newtypes!
The Titans had managed to hush up their dreaded works on an official level. But word spreads rapidly about what had happened over at the 30th Branch of Side 1...
...where everyone woke up around twelve hours later and wondered why sleeping gas had been pumped into their home colony.
-=*=-
"Babysitter"
Rakan: So you're going to be Minerva Zabi's regent, huh? I doubt such a young, nubile woman can be capable of handling such a large task.
Haman: Don't get me wrong, Dakaran. Age has nothing to do with my talents. I'll show you the reaches of my power when it comes to the political world.
Yazan: (Suddenly busts in with his trademark angered look on his face.) ALRIGHT!! I'D LIKE TO FIND THE [censored] [censored] WHO DECIDED TO [oh, you get the idea] MY ZETA GUNDAM DVD SET!!
Haman: (Instantly reverting to her little-girl personality.) Ya~za~n! Plea~ze buy me ice crea~m!
Yazan: ...oooohhhh crap...!
Rakan: And so our "lady" says...
-=*=-
"Kou's Tenacity Part 2"
Kou:ÿ Kelly's out there with his mobile armor!ÿ I need to stop it!ÿ Is the GP1 repaired yet?!
Nina:ÿ No, not yet.ÿ You just have to make due with what we have, Kou.
Kou:ÿ You mean to tell me that...?!
Kelly (Val Varo):ÿ This is it!ÿ If I can't join in the fight, then I'll go out wi- *BUNP!*ÿ OW!ÿ Hey!ÿ What the hell?!ÿ A HARO??!!
Kou (Oversided Haro):ÿ SHUT UP!!
-=*=-
"Blooper Of The Month Part 2"
Heero, in his Wing Zero Custom, prepares to fire his Twin Buster Rifles at the falling meteor.ÿ And the resulting explosion occurs.
Relena:ÿ Yay!ÿ Heero did it!ÿ He...ÿ Deflected the meteor...ÿ Heero...?
Sally:ÿ He wasn't supposed to deflect the meteor...?
Unfortunately, the Wing Zero Custom had been heavily damaged from said explosion.
Heero:ÿ (Eyes spiralling.)ÿ ...misfire...
-=*=-
"G-Gundam's Editing"
American media cowardice strikes the G-Gundam TV series:
Delete all mentioning of religion.
Chibodee:ÿ Oh for the love of Jesus H. Christ!
Rename all mobile suits with ethnically insulting names.
Gundam Nether:ÿ Huh?ÿ "Hurricane Gundam?"ÿ You couldn't call me "Dutch Gundam" or "Gundam Holland?"
Insert all advertisement of American products.
We see a billboard of Allenby holding a 16 oz. bottle of Pepsi as we hear Master Asia kicking the collective asses of the people behind the changes.
-=*=-
"I'm Victor Gaintz"
Victor:ÿ I am Victor Gaintz, head of the "Perfect Peace People."ÿ And I'm not sure why I'm included in this God-forsaken parody of the little tidbits that happen during many of the popular Gundam series, but I'll let you know this much.ÿ I will NOT let this interfere with my "sublime mission!"
He then looks out the window into space and takes notice of a _lime_ floating by...
Victor:ÿ (Grimacing...)ÿ And one was assaulted...ÿ Peanut...ÿ Haahahahahaha...
-=*=-
"Don't Make Fun Of Zechs"
Soldier:ÿ A white mobile suit is coming this way, Char!ÿ Should we shoot at it?!
Char:ÿ Yes, we should shoot at it.ÿ Give it machine guns.ÿ Give it so many rounds of machine guns that 1st Gundam elitist fans won't even recognize it.
Zechs looks up to see three Zakues chasing the Gundam with two machine guns in each of their hands.
Zechs:ÿ (Sobbing...) Will you quit making fun of me...?