Judge a Book
Winner: Um, Miss Lia, not to take offense or anything but…what is this?
A little something I suddenly thought up while I was trying to find something else on that was more stimulating than 'Ed, Edd, and Eddy.'
Maxwell: Yeah, but don't you have, like, three other wicked long fics you should be working on?
Probably. But I thought I'd run with this.
Darlian/Peacecraft: So just what is this? One of those stimulating angst-ridden stories?
Relena, you obviously don't spend enough time with me. It's actually a little humor fic starring and narrated by everyone's favorite bluenette.
Noin: I'm assuming you don't mean me, since this is humor.
Sorry, Lu. I just don't see you in Hilde's position in this. Um, post-EW, slightly AU, maybe a little shounen-ai strewn about. I am such a sucker for 3x4. Anyway, enjoy! And Nicki, I know you're reading this. Stop glaring at me because this isn't Trowa-centric. I know you're obsessed, but really!
Sometimes I wonder how I get myself into these positions. You know? I mean, sometimes I look back on it all and just wonder what could've happened if I'd done something differently. If I'd stayed an OZ soldier. If I hadn't met Duo and his crazy friends. Not that I don't love them, mind you! Those five are the best friends I ever had. Now, I'm sure there are a few of you who are wrinkling your nose right now and saying things like, "Friends with Wufei? How drunk is Hilde?" or, "That Hilde Schbeiker is one serious nutbag, saying she's friends with Heero. That's like being friends with a rock!" and then there's my favorite one of all, "So, you're friends with Quatre Winner, eh? You think you could get him to loan me a couple thousand bucks?"
I'm serious! They're my friends! All of them! And yes, that includes Wufei. I'll admit, he's not the cuddliest of the bunch…I believe Quatre reserves that title…but don't let Trowa catch me saying that or I'll be lion chow. Hey, if they weren't my friends, would I be willing to haul them all out of bed after a night of binge drinking and watching unedited reruns of Sailor Moon? Or getting them all donuts and coffee while the five of them scramble out of that house they share before Une goes all Colonel on their asses for being late for work? (This is the part where you stop, reread that sentence, then glare at me incredulously.)
See, after that big mess with the Barton Foundation and Mariemaia Khushrenada, back in 196, the boys went their separate ways. Heero stalked off to be Vice Foreign Minister Relena's personal bodyguard (how she must have loved that). Duo came back to the junkyard with me (thank GOD, I would've died without the extra set of hands). Trowa went home to his sister Catherine at the circus (and that hideous clown mask…no offense, Tro, but it really is ugly). Quatre did work for Winner Enterprises (going from idol of the Manguanac Corps to coffee boy for the Winner Sisters). Wufei joined Preventers with Sally Po (though she couldn't convince him to get a nifty codename). But after about six months of that, they all decided they were absolutely miserable in their lines of work…except for Duo, of course. Relena sent Heero away…said she didn't need him constantly skulking around because it creeped people out. Duo loved hanging with me, but I think he would've preferred being with his Gundam buddies again. Trowa was being henpecked by his sister and couldn't take another bowl of soup. Quatre…well, let's just say he nearly had another Zero System incident. As for Wufei, it wasn't that he was unhappy as so much that Sally was his equal and he lost some of his debating skills (which, for the most part, was yell at the opposing side until they caved).
So, that being said, the five of them bought a house together. Yes, together. Quatre does not pay for everything! And the five of them live together in said house and all work for Une in Preventers…because Wufei threatened them into doing it. Oh sure, Duo still works at the yard with me, and Trowa runs back to L3 and lets Cathy chuck knives at him, and Quatre still checks in at Winner Corp and stuff. But for the most part, it's the Gundam Boys in their big ol' house working for Lady Une…who still goes schitzo every now and then.
…So that brings us to our story, I believe. Why am I, Hilde Schbeiker, ex-Ozzie, junkyard owner, and dear darling friend to the Gundam Boys, telling you all of this? Because it better explains the position I'm in right now. Okay? Good.
I don't live with the guys, but we have that relationship where I practically do. I give them a hand when they need it, especially when they're called off on missions quickly and I have to housesit. Especially when it comes to what Wufei terms 'woman stuff.' Cooking and cleaning. Oh, Trowa, Quatre, and Duo can cook relatively well enough…Heero may be one hell of a fighter but I wouldn't eat 'eggs Yuy' if Treize Khushrenada fed them to me, and Wufei refuses to cook. As for cleaning…they're a bunch of adolescent guys who live in a house with no parents and no real rules. Do you really think they're going to be spic and span? Don't give me that look. I know that look. It's the, "But Quatre is so neatly groomed and Trowa never seems to have his own possessions and Wufei probably thinks leaving dirty socks on the floor is weak" look. Let's get this straight. I usually have to clean the house. And no matter which pilot it is, excuse me, ex-pilot, those guys are slobs. Yes, even Quatre.
Well, housecleaning isn't too bad, especially considering the guys pay me to do it. And they pay for services rendered in the laundry department as well. They used to make Heero do the laundry, but he got mad once and shot the washing machine. Don't ask why and for what reason, he just lost it and emptied a cartridge into the poor thing. So that's what I was doing today, overall cleanup and laundry service while they were out doing stuff for Une. I wonder if she likes being the boss. Probably does, considering nobody's around to not tell her to do some crazy scheme of hers. Anyway, the next couple of sections, or pages, or whatever, are in regards to the boys' rooms and literature found there. Hence the title. I know, you were wondering where the title came in. And these are in no particular order; I never was one for all those ridiculous code numbers. 02, Duo Maxwell, same thing.
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Wufei's room shouldn't be as bad as the others' because he's Wufei. At least, that's what I usually think. Then I come in and find that he's tossed all those button-down Preventers shirts on the floor, ties are thrown over doorknobs, and the whole damn room reeks of incense. I know he's got that little closet shrine for his dead wife, and he has my sympathy, but jeez, Wufei, it stinks! And he won't let me polish his katana collection, which is hung up on the wall in just the right place because the feng shui of the room gives him power, or something to that degree. He just doesn't want me touching his swords. So I was picking up his shirts and all the silk paraphernalia he happens to wear…to be put in a separate laundry hamper. Somebody tried washing one of his silks once in the machine. Ooh. Whole lot of injustice going on there. Happened to notice Mr. Chang's current reading selection. The Teachings of Confucius, Unabridged Version. The book was seriously as thick as Tolstoy's War and Peace, and Confucius was known for his short little proverbs!
So what does this tell you about Wufei? That he seeks enlightenment? That he follows the path of knowledge? Hell no. It simply tells you that Wufei is not a light reader and cannot be satisfied by one of those two ninety-nine quick reads in the checkout line at the grocery store. You should see his bookshelf. It's literally sagging with all the weight of printed material on it. And you want to know a cool secret about Wufei that I didn't know until I started cleaning his room? He wears contacts. Has a pair of glasses for reading. Don't tell him I said this, but you know that chick Yolei from that show Digimon? Uh huh, they're that big. Well, better get out of this room before the great and powerful dragon realizes I took an Armor-All wipe to a few of his daggers.
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Next we have Duo's room, which is full of stuff. Not much of it is useful, but damn, is it cool! Ever since the war ended, kids have been fascinated with the Gundams, so a couple of major toy companies decided they'd start marketing Gundam-related merchandise. Talk about a multibillion idea! So Duo has all of these Deathscythe models around his room, and posters of himself and Deathscythe, and Duo Maxwell action figures, and plush dolls…plus the action figures and stuff of a few of his other favorite shows. He's been hunting down a Vash the Stampede doll on eBay lately. And Duo has a colored disco ball. Don't ask why, but he does. And he doesn't make the bed, and he throws all of his clothes on the floor, or draped over his big black butterfly chairs. So I come in, make his bed, and sort out what's clean and what's disgusting. A lot of it is disgusting. I have a specific junkyard hamper for Duo, but does he put his oily, filthy jumpsuits in it? No! Throws them on the floor. At least the floor's this really dark wood laminate stuff, so it's not ruined or anything.
On the bedside table, next to Plush-Duo and his ever-present companion Plush-Heero (because the God of Plushy Death just isn't complete without the Perfect Plushy Soldier taking shots at him), is Duo's new favorite book, Lord of the Rings. Sally gave it to him for Christmas; it's one of those beautiful hardcover editions with all three parts in it. Duo can't put it down. And what does his book choice tell about his personality? That Duo desires to escape the harsh realities of this life for a more fantastical one? That he's a sucker for stories with magic and intrigue? None of the above. Actually, Duo watched the movies based on the book and had to go back and read them because he didn't get it. Sally had said to him when she gave him said novel that the adventures of the hobbits reminded her of some of their adventures. Duo recently told her that the only similarity was that the elf Legolas looked a whole lot like Zechs. He does have a point. One quick cuddle with Plush-Duo and I'm gone again.
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Quatre's room is like Wufei's, only slightly less Wufei, and he doesn't have swords. Just a lot of pillows. A lot of pillows. I think the theme is supposed to be like sheik of the desert in the oasis palace…minus the harem of women. That would be the enormous picture of all twenty-nine Winner girls on one of the walls. And he has his little mat so he can pray to Mecca at least once a day…although; he's not quite sure which way Mecca actually is. And he's not a devout Muslim, either. Quatre burns incense every now and then, but it doesn't smell as bad as Wufei's. He's addicted, however, to this really expensive room spray that smells like sandalwood and jasmine. The room reeks of it, and so do his clothes, and the pillows, and the sheets. So I end up opening the windows a lot in Quatre's room, along with picking up the piles of neatly folded dirty laundry on the floor. He's the only guy I know who folds his dirty laundry. And I straighten up the piles of papers and documents on his desk, which is where his book is located right now.
Hmm, so what is our darling little Quatre reading? Looks like a manga, you know, those Japanese anime comics. Shouldn't this be in Heero's room? What is it anyways, Card Captor Sakura? Mm, nope, something called Strawberry Children. Let me take a closer look at…oh my God! Quatre, reading smutty yaoi comics? If Rashid ever saw th…HOLY JUSTICE LEAGUE OF AMERICA!!! The characters in this thing are exact clones of Trowa and Quatre! Now we know what he thinks about. I think I'll be leaving now. (I'm scarred for life…)
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I try to avoid cleaning Heero's room; he's got it booby-trapped like God only knows. Last time I tried to vacuum the rug in there, I was in the emergency room for a week and it took several more to regrow my eyebrows. See, Heero has an insanely expensive hoard of all things technical. Anything that could either soup up his laptop or be considered electronic equipment, he owns. Thus, the booby-traps. To keep burglars and Duo the Prank Elf away from his personal space. Either that, or he doesn't want anyone to know he sleeps with a plush Duo. Oops. Shouldn't have mentioned that. Well, it's not really Duo. Ever hear of a little comic series called Shinigami-kun? It's this little bat death grim reaper thing that looks exactly like Duo. Well, Heero has a Shinigami-kun, which he calls Maxwell's Demon. And he also wants everyone to keep away from his vast collection of anime and manga. I never thought Heero to be the kind to watch this stuff, but hey, if he wants to kick back after a mission and watch a DVD of Oh! My Goddess on his ridiculously large TV with the surround sound speakers, that's his business. He at least let me get his laundry and dust things off today.
Heero's latest Borders binge was a collection of short, humorous stories. You're giving me that look again. Heero Yuy? The impassive, emotionless Perfect Soldier? Reading humor stories? Yes, dammit, Heero was reading humor stories! He's not some heartless cyborg, not like a teacher I once had…scary as all hell and less fashion sense than Relena in her early years. So maybe Heero wants to actually laugh for once, that's perfectly normal. I'd be worried if the only thing he was reading other than his manga books were technical manuals or books on war and that sort of thing. Oh crap, I think I just stepped on a tripwire. Let's all watch Hilde high tail it out of that room before she explodes along with a basket full of spandex shorts!
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And lastly, we come upon Trowa's room. Trowa's room happens to be my favorite most of the time…only because he has a trapeze installed in the ceiling and I like playing on it when he's not around. Today, it's not my favorite. I tripped over a rogue weight lying in the middle of the floor and hit my head on a trunk he has at the foot of the bed. Trowa's another guy who doesn't make the bed. How can anyone sleep in a previously unmade bed? Drives me nuts. And for the life of me, I can't figure out how he fits into his jeans. They're size zero, extra tall. Do men's pants even come in size zero? I thought that was only a women's thing. Whatever. The biggest thing that irks me about Trowa, though, is that he has hair gel residue and goo from the glue that he uses to hold his mask on his face all over. That, and his puffy clown pants are always thrown on the 'to be mended' pile, since they're usually ripped up from lion wrestling. And I don't like his clown outfit. Again, I'm sorry, Trowa, but puffy pants and curly shoes? They seriously don't look all that attractive on you.
Let me see, I know Trowa has a book up here somewhere. He doesn't watch a lot of television, hides up here in his room a lot. Oh God, if he's got a comic like Quatre, I think I'll die. I really do. No, wait; I just tripped over Trowa's book. Oh God. Oh my God, I'm getting out of here now. You're sitting there thinking, "But how bad can it be, Hilde? We're talking Trowa 'I have no name' Barton, right?" Heheh. Here, let me show you exactly what he's reading. Stephen King's It. For crying out loud, he's reading a novel about a killer clown! A KILLER CLOWN! Trowa Barton, a circus performer, reading a novel about a KILLER CLOWN! That does it; I don't care what they blow up. Until Trowa finishes this book I'm going on vacation!
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Just as I'm about to leave, I hear the front door open. Crud, they're back already. And I can hear them talking as they all come in.
"I think I'll go light some incense in my room. You onnas will be fine without me for a while, won't you?"
"Sure thing, Wu-baby! I was in the middle of a nasty fight with orcs anyway, and I thought I'd check on my bids over on eBay."
"Maxwell, how many times must I tell you? My name is Wufei."
"Mm, Trowa? Would you mind coming up to my room for a couple of minutes? One of my ceiling lights burnt out, and you know I can't reach it."
"Of course, Quatre. I've just got to sharpen up these knives."
Knives? Oh no. Oh no oh no oh no.
"Smells like Pine-Sol. Bet Hilde's been here."
"I think I saw her car in the driveway. HEY HILDE-GIRL! YOU HERE? If y' are, come on down! You should see what Trowa's got. It's so cool! Man, I think you scared the crap out of Lady Une!"
Scared the crap out of Lady Une? Listen to me, children, high school folk, and you college-age kids that still get up at ungodly hours to watch cartoons and spend every waking moment trying to find that perfect screenshot from episode 37, if I die some horrible death a la Trowa, remember me for being the fun girl, all right? I don't care what Sally and Noin blew up, or if Catherine wore crop tops and made chunky soup. I don't care if Dorothy had cool eyebrows or Lady Une was nasty with a mobile suit or you thought Sylvia Noventa was cute. Remember me as the fun girl? Okay?
Just because you can't judge a book by its cover, doesn't mean you can't judge a Gundam Boy by what he reads. That's the moral of today's story, kiddies. Remember it well.
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Now Hilde, wasn't that fun?
Schbeiker: No! Couldn't you have given Trowa a safer book?
Barton: I just borrowed a copy of The Shining.
Maxwell: Red rum! Red rum!
Giving Trowa that book was some fan service for Nicki, since she finally turned fecking sixteen.
Yuy: Hn. Get your permit and give Lia hell on the road.
Nah, because by the time she learns how to operate a car, I'll have my license.
Chang: Which is when, never?
Bastard. It's a wonder anybody really likes you. So review, my dear friends, and I'll keep working on getting those other fics finished up real soon, promise.