AUTHOR'S NOTE

V 2.0; Minor formatting errors changed.

For Americans who might not know, an ASBO is an Anti-Social Behavior Order, which is a UK court order that can be used to circumscribe "chronic" offenders of such activities such as public drunkeness, disorderly conduct, brawling, etc. A person who received an ASBO may be forbidden – under threat of incarceration – to engage in certain activities such as going to school, using a computer, drinking, driving, or even going outside of their own home. Their use has become controversial in Great Britain, with the Home Office defending the policy as being a necessary step in curbing the behavior of "yobs."

I think Dudley Dursley is a perfect candidate for an ASBO, and although it is not my intention to go into the controversy of ASBO issuance – although interested readers should do a search on the BBC website for more information – I thought it was a perfect way to segue into this story. It explores the relationship between Dudley, Vernon and Petunia, will give us some insight into their treatment of Harry, and allows us to think about Dudley in a new light.

Sharp-eyed readers will see the end of this coming from paragraph one, so I decided to write it as a one-shot. I am currently engaged on a massive Year 7 adventure, although I probably not going to begin posting it until after July 16 as I wish to know if certain characters will survive, so that I do not write a complete AU story.

I'd appreciate any reviews! Thanks. As usual, the disclaimer applies – J.K. Rowling and her publishers own the characters in the Harry Potter universe, not me, and no usurption or disrespect to the artist's original creation is expressed or implied. "The Screwtape Letters" is the title of a much better work than this by C.S. Lewis, about a correspondence between a senior demon and an apprentice devil. I thought it highly appropriate for a title, but the same disclaimer applies.

THE SCREWTAPE LETTERS

Lance-Corporal Jenkins placed the contents of locker 2167 into a plain, brown cardboard box. He brought the box into Lieutenant Collingwood's office, where he placed it beside seven others.

"The last one, sir," Jenkins reported.

"Very good, Jenkins," the lieutenant responded.

"Sir, I knew some of the men. Do you want me to …" his voice trailed off.

"Did you know this one," Collingwood asked, pointing to the box holding locker 2167's materials, a spare uniform, a few photographs, and selection of letters, wrapped up in a ribbon.

"The paratrooper? No, sir, he was fairly new to this team – came in when his last division was split up to deal with Falluja," Jenkins replied.

"Good, I'll deal with it first, and if you want to make a start on the other ones, we'll see if we can make it on the Hercules to London at 05:30," Collingwood said. "Unless you need material, I'll keep these here for now."

"No sir, I knew the others fairly well. If it's all the same to you, sir, I'd prefer to do this in the back office," Jenkins said.

So you can cry in private, Collingwood thought. "Very well, Jenkins, dismissed."

"Sir," the junior officer saluted and exited.

Collingwood took a heavy sigh, and walked to the box, and extracted the letters. He had scores of letters of condolence to the families of men who had been killed since the war began, and normally he did not search through their private belongings, other than to inventory what was being returned to the families. However … even if Jenkins didn't know about this soldier, he did. He began to go through the letters, fearful at the thought of what might be in them.

His fears were well-justified.

…

To Harry Potter

Hogwarts

Dear Harry,

My guidance counselor is making me write this letter to you. I guess mum told you that I got ASBO'd for fighting. If I go through this program they'll let me back into school. Mr. Anstey says I need to work through my anger and I have to apologize to everyone I've gotten in fights with. So I'm sorry. You have to write back to at least say you got the letter, and I have to write you three more letters, so sorry but you've got to get a few. I don't want to write but I have to.

Bye

Dudley.

…

Dear Dudley,

I did not hear about your ASBO. Aunt Petunia rarely writes to me except at Christmas, and that's mainly to see if I can stay at Hogwarts over the hols. What happened?

Regards

Harry.

…

Dear Harry,

Well, I got into a fight. I don't know why I fight so much. Mr. Anstey says it is because I have a lot of anger to work out because I am not happy at home and I need discipline. Now I am going to a youth center in Croydon, I can't even stay at home right now. You know how dad says you are at St. Brutus' so if I can't straighten up here looks like I'll really be going there.

Anyway, I was at home, and there was this girl that I think likes me, but I don't know, and I kind of wanted to impress her, and this kid came on riding his bike, and he chucked a bottle at her. I mean he really didn't hit her, but he could have. So I ran up and knocked him off his bike and then really gave him a right wally, just busted up the side of his face. Well, rather than thank me, the bird just flew, you know? And it turns out her old man's a bob. So he then talks to a couple kids down the street, and next thing you know, they locked me up. Mum wouldn't even speak to me for a week, and dad just went spare, started hitting me with a belt. So I hit him back, really hard, and eventually I kind of hurt him.

Well, it all went downhill from there. So now I'm here for the next six.

Duds.

…

Dear Dudley,

What on earth have you got not to be happy about? Your parents gave you everything you ever wanted – I never had anything growing up. I really don't know where this anger comes from, if I were you, I'd be so happy. I never asked to be in this family, it just happened, and believe me, I'll be very happy when I'm out of it.

Harry.

…

Dear Harry,

I don't really want all this stuff. I mean, you're right, they've given me loads of stuff, but I don't even care about it. I guess I'm kinda bored with everything. I hate school, can't stand it. And for some reason, Mr. Anstey thinks, if I'm given things, I don't respect them, but when I get disciplined and work for things, I respect them.

Well, I know you're not happy in the family, it's not like dad every made it easy on you. I understand why dad gets angry, but I wish he wouldn't hurt mum when he's angry. You know, dad really wanted another kid, but after mum had me, for some reason they couldn't have kids anymore. I think dad was really upset about it, and then decided that was okay, and then not long after that, mum said you were just sort of brought onto our doorstep without even so much as a by-your-leave. And then mum said the guy who brought you said you were the most famous kid ever, and so great and brave and strong and powerful, and weren't we so proud, and we're still like in nappies. So then dad said, well, what, is my kid nothing, then? And the bloke says yeah, Dudley's nothing compared to Harry.

Back then dad had made some plans to change his job and move, but then with two babies he couldn't since we didn't have enough money, so he got stuck just selling drills to try and keep the roof over our heads. I know, he didn't give you very much. But he did feel really taken advantage of, you know, we never had any extra money at that point forward.

Well so I think you can see why dad went spare. Here we are, happy bloody little family. I know you say you didn't want to be part of it, well, I didn't ask for it, either. And I hate it when dad hurts mum, she really tries to be so wonderful, and I know she likes you too, even if she doesn't say so all the time. She was so scared for you when you were a kid, that's why she never told you about your parents. I think she wanted you to be like me so that you wouldn't be … you know. Mum likes to say she and your mum never got on, but I don't think that's true. I think she thinks you were all she had left, and strange as it was, she didn't want to risk to lose you to that world, so even if she seemed mean she really meant for you to just have some kind of shot at a life.

Anyway, that's all you have to write to me, if you don't want to write anymore you don't have to, but I thought you should know it.

Dudley.

…

Dear Dudley,

I am sorry to have heard this. I know I must have been an extra burden, and I did not know what was said about me. Many people have taken it on themselves to run my life for me, and there is much that I did not know about myself, that I have only found out recently.

I don't think I am very special. I'm just another kid who hasn't had a real fair shot in life. Sounds like we have more in common than maybe we both thought. I'm sorry for you too, Dudley, I know that the people in my world haven't been very fair to you, either.

Maybe we can let bygones be bygones. Can we keep writing?

Harry.

…

At this point, there was a clear break in the letters. No longer on the simple stationary of a juvenile detention center, there was a clear change as they became longer, and on rather good quality paper.

…

Dear Harry,

Thanks so much for last week, it was so much fun. I really liked meeting your friends, properly, I mean. I can tell you like that girl Hermione, she's a real catch. I hope it all works. And your Weasel friend is a riot. Those joke boxes are the bomb!

I'm enclosing a few pictures of the party that I took – I know these don't wave or anything like yours do, but I like them, anyway. There's one of you and Hermione. If you want a blow-up of it so you can give it her let me know.

Can't believe this is last year, can you? Still don't know what I'm going to do, but I've got an idea. I'll write you later about it.

Dudley.

…

Dear Dudley,

Hope things are well for you at school. Things have been … very difficult here, which is why I haven't written. I am placing some very elaborate charms on this letter, so that I will know if you have it intercepted.

Hermione and I are doing well, and please don't tell anyone, but we are engaged. I know we're really young, but I feel so complete with her that I think it's the greatest thing I've ever done. I need her now more than ever, and I need you, too.

The thing I told you about … this war in our world … it is coming very soon. Please be very very careful if you hear something from me or about me – it might be a trap. If I ever need to get in touch with you, I will use a password – something only that the two of us know – about our family. You should make sure your mum and dad are all right, too. I have sent a separate letter to your mum, I want her to take care of herself.

You will find a small necklace in this letter. Please put it on and if you ever need me, say my full name. I will hear you.

Take care,

Harry.

…

Collingwood went back over through the locker. He found the dog tags that Dudley was wearing, but no necklace in the clothing pouch. He began methodically going through the uniform, and found what he was looking for in one of the pockets. It was a necklace strung on a cord of leather, with a crystal amulet. It glowed faintly for a moment when he touched it, before fading. He carefully placed it into the clothing pouch with the dog tags, and then went back to the letters.

…

Dear Harry,

I will be careful. I remember what happened in the alley that night.

I am glad to hear about you and Hermione, you have all my congratulations. I'm sure Weasel will be your best man, I'll have to send him a letter so we can plan a wicked bachelor party.

Listen, I wanted to talk with you about what I said earlier. I've been thinking and I think I want to go into the army when I leave school. I know I don't have the grades for uni, and Mr. Anstey told me it might be a good fit for me. You're fighting in a war, I know you've explained it to me, and I think maybe me serving would be good, as well. I really feel proud to do it.

The only thing is, I'm sure mum and dad will go spare. This will really get dad angry, he wants me to help him out in the business. But … I don't think I really want to do it, and I think I like the structure and discipline I've had over the last two years. I think it's really helped, and maybe the army is a good place to get that and still feel like I'm doing something meaningful.

What do you think? I'd really like your opinion, please.

Your cuz,

Dudley.

…

Dear Dudley,

Wow, I would never have thought that. But in a way I think it would maybe be good for you. I don't understand why Uncle Vernon would be so upset, but I can see why Aunt Petunia would be. Dudley, your mum loves you so much and she would be heartbroken if anything ever happened to you.

So I guess I'm saying that I of course support your decision, but be careful how you break it to your parents.

I'm coming up to London next week, staying in my place. If you want to meet up, let me know.

All the best,

Harry.

…

There appeared to be another break in the letters. These were now typewritten – or more likely, word-processed.

…

Dear Harry,

Great to see you, and you and Hermione looked so cool in those black robes. You've gotten really fast, I don't think I could hit you at all normally now.

I know the war has gotten worse for you. I will be sending you a special package to your flat. Take what is inside it and keep them on you at all times if you can. The long-suffering tax-paying British public won't miss them, and they may just save your life. Don't sneer at muggle weapons, even though I know you won't. Maybe even Ron would like one, I'm including three of everything.

Last bit of news – I have made it out of basic with full marks, partially thanks to your help and Hermione's. I've got a few choices on units. I'd love to get in the Black Watch but there's no way that's going to happen; next best would be the Paratroopers, if I can get in. Otherwise, it's just basic grunting. (Makes me feel like being a pig again, hah.) Actually I don't mind. But the paratroopers would be ace.

Gotta run – literally, 20-klick march coming up. More later.

D.

…

Collingwood thought. What kind of materiel could a first-year enlisted lay his hands on? Considering the state of stores management before Sept. 11, anything short of an anti-tank missile, probably. But he doubted that it would be a firearm. A NATO-issue switchblade knife? A field kit GPS? Who knew. It didn't matter, now. That was three years ago; any "missing items" list had long since been forgotten about in the Byzantine paperwork that made up the back office of the British Army.

…

Dear Dudley,

Thank you so much for this. We're all wearing them together with our wand holsters. They're darn sharp, and you're right, we may well need them to save our lives. Even if our wands get blasted away it gives us a chance for a second attack – and that might be the one we need. The fact that it's a subtle knife and a muggle weapon too helps – no one will be looking for it.

I'm hoping big things for you! Come on Paratroopers! Whatever happens, this Christmas, you and your family are invited to come around to the house. If your dad doesn't want to come, you and your mum can still come, it's fine with us.

Hermione and I are thinking about setting a date next year. We haven't yet because of the war, but I think I want to get married so that if anything happens to me, she'll inherit my property and it will at least be something. I don't know how long or how hard it's going to be. If anything happens to me, Dudley, please try to be there for her. She will need all my friends – Ron, Gin, you, everyone – so I'm asking this now, even though I know you'll say yes.

Thanks,

Sauce-boy. (I still hate that nickname, but Weasel calls me that all the time now that you explained what HP sauce is. Guess I'm getting used to it.)

…

Collingwood mused. Must've been a group of throwing knives, probably the slim blade models that had been popular a few years back. Well, at least he didn't give them a Sterling MK4 submachine gun or a grenade launcher. He turned back towards the stack. There weren't many left, now.

…

Dear Harry,

This is by far the hardest letter I have had to write.

Yesterday, my father died.

I know that you and he never got on. Mum has told me much more, now, and maybe now I can think about why.

Dad's older brother was like you. A wizard. And it appears that he really took the mickey out of dad most of when they were growing up. I don't know how he kept it secret, but he doesn't seem to have ever gone to a magic school or anything, the way mum tells it.

I didn't even know dad had an older brother until mum told me. Aunt Marge came over and told mum we had to Edward – that's his name – and mum replied that she didn't know how to get in touch with him, and she didn't care. Aunt Marge said she knew, and we didn't have to have him at the funeral, but that he should know.

Mum and Aunt Marge told me that Edward used to beat the crap out of dad, just for no reason. Many times Mum said dad would wake up at night scared about it, even after they had been married a long time. Dad never would go to therapy, you know that, stiff upper lip and all that rot. Mum said she only met Edward twice, at their wedding and when I was born, and both times he scared her senseless. One thing Aunt Marge said I thought I should tell you. She said she saw him swimming, once, and he had a tattoo in his left arm of a skull. I think that means something to you.

I am going to the funeral this Thursday in Surrey. I would appreciate it if you could come to see Aunt Petunia, and to bring Hermione. I'm all that Aunt Petunia has left; I think she just tolerated Marge for da's sake. Dad wasn't the greatest father in the world. But he was my father, and I'm still gonna miss him.

Your cousin,

Dudley.

…

Collingwood pulled up a condolences card, which he leafed through and put down. There were only two letters left.

…

Dear Dudley,

I am enclosing some of our letters like you wanted. I would give you a magical one, that would let us talk to each other and all, but like you said, maybe it's best not to.

I am so worried for you and Aunt Petunia. Hermione and I have tried to see her at least once every month. I know you can't come to the wedding now, and I'm sorry about it, but I am having Aunt Petunia come as one of my family. Please, please be very careful. We are all praying for you.

What else … well, about the wedding. Aunt Petunia will be escorted by Remus Lupin, who is a good friend of mine and was one of my dad's best mates. Remus is dating a lady named Tonks, who is also coming to the wedding, but we wanted to be sure that Aunt Petunia had someone with her who would make her feel comfortable, and Remus is really gentle and polite when he's human. (Don't ask, don't tell.)

Anyway, by the time you get this, probably Hermione and I will be married, and you will be in Baghdad. I am so worried for you. Please don't lose the necklace I gave you and if you can wear it at all times. I know the army has an issue for you and you have to wear your uniform but I have checked the spell and the necklace will work even with us separated so far.

As soon as we have some pictures I'll send you some, again, please please be careful. I love you, cuz, and I feel like we are now both at war. Our war is going to come to a close, soon. I can feel HIM very close now, and I know that Hermione and I are both praying for the day when we can all sit around a fireplace with a glass of whisky and tell stupid bragging stories about what it was like when we were fighting.

Be safe,

Harry.

…

There was a small slip of three photos. A woman – clearly Petunia Dursley – dancing with Harry Potter; a large group photo with any number of people in it, although Harry and Hermione were obvious, as was Petunia and her escort Mr. Lupin; they were standing beside a young lady with multicolored hair. A final one ofHarry besidean extremely old man with a long beard; he looked a little like Father Christmas.

…

There was only one letter left, and it was a fragment.

Dear Harry,

I am so glad to hear that your battle has been won. I could feel a weight off my shoulders, a lightening of my heart, in the middle of the night, and I knew then that you had won. Never feel, Harry, that you are a murderer. You cannot think about it like that. If I did, for every one of these gits that I've killed, I'd go nuts.

And the truth, Harry, is that we are not murderers. Neither of us wanted to do what we have to do. Neither of us asked for the disease that we are trying to put out. It is like your enemy and the ones here are mad dogs; we are putting them down because we have to. We don't want to be exterminators, but there isn't anyone else to do it.

Mum and I will always respect you, because we love you, and I'm sure everyone else does, too. So don't think about this to hard. You have to go on, and so do I.

Well, I'm going to have to run, and I'll finish this when I get back from patrol. We're going into Falluja tonight; I'm in a new unit because we're spread so thin. I'll write to you about what it's like when I get back.

…

Collingwood put the materials back. He knew he shouldn't have read the letters, but then,he was more than just a lieutenant in Her Majesty's Army.

He may have only been a squib, butColllingwood had lived in the magical world all his life, as a double-agent, turning over to the Ministry of Magic relevant muggle items that might aid the wizarding. Andthe lieutenantknew precisely who Harry Potter and his cousin were; part of his mission here was to try and prevent collateral damage frommagical items falling into the hands of muggles.

All this time, Collingwoodhad been looking through the locker items for another letter. All troops were required to write a letter to their families that began, "by the time you are reading this, I will have been killed in service for Her Majesty's Army," but he hadn't found it. Perhaps it had already been given to a family member to hold in safekeeping; such things sometimes were. But in any event, the standard letter wouldn't do in this case. Even though he knew he would have to notify Harry separately by a secret owl, Collingwood began with the usual form.

Dear Petunia Dursley,

It is with regret that I inform you that your son, Dudley Dursley, was killed in action today as a result of his vehicle encountering an improvised explosive device. Her Majesty the Queen and all of us sympathize with you during this time …