NOTES: character study on levi's part. i tried writing their relationship in a way different to what i usually see.
NOTES2: all feedback appreciated! i'm always looking to improve, so particularly constructive criticism.
TRIGGERS: emetophobia, blood, (minor) gore, canonical character death.
PROMPT: "It's not like pretending is going to change anything."
DEDICATION: for lyn (sumia on ), as always.
CONTACT: tumblr: seijuuroakashis. twitter: hirotosuwa.
i.
Petra had liked flowers. He couldn't remember if they were daffodils or snapdragons or daisies or marigolds or maybe even roses—they all looked the same to him, soft stems and softer petals.
And they all never lived to see more than a week. Garden, vase, window sill. It hadn't mattered. He'd grown tired of trying, grown tired of seeing them curl into themselves like collapsed stars, grown tired of Petra sighing and shaking her head with a gentle fondness.
(That was kind of a lie. Levi had never grown tired of her.)
He never was good at keeping things alive, anyway.
She had always, always been the one better with flowers—and living things in general, really.
(There was a sort of poisonous irony there, something that filled his lungs with a bitterness he thought he'd forgotten how to feel.)
ii.
She used to keep flowers by her room. He knew because the hallway was empty and cold, save for the smell of them. There was a full vase on the shelf outside her door, and looking at it made his heart catch in his throat.
Levi reached out to touch them and then pulled away sharply, as if they would crumble at the faintest touch.
The roses hung over the edge of the vase, and in the quiet dark, they looked as if they were weeping. They curled into themselves the way he'd seen a corpse (more than one corpse, he thought bitterly, after a while in the Corps they lost their names and faces) do the same before. They were beginning to wilt.
How long had it been since Petra had lovingly nursed them? Made them glow, almost? He'd lost track of time since—
Since—
Levi threw them out.
iii.
There was a crop of wildflowers not too far away from the castle. He knew he should have scolded her for wandering too far off (especially when there were titan shifters to mind and rooms to clean), but he couldn't find it in himself.
"Captain!" Petra waved to him, not worried in the slightest. If he was not mistaken, a smile had begun to creep its way onto her face. "Look! They have daisies out here!"
"Hm." There were white flowers everywhere—strewn across her lap, in her hands, on her head. "Didn't know flowers could grow out here."
"Me neither." She looked at him, then down at the flowers. "These used to grow everywhere in Sina."
He'd forgotten. She was a Sina girl; it was apparent in her easy grace. "Pretty far from home, aren't they?"
She smiled at the flowers, and something in it was melancholy. "Yeah." He heard her loud and clear: me, too.
Gruffly, Levi cleared his throat, but he didn't leave. "Flowers that can grow out in the wild on their own are amazing." Shit. "That's not easy."
"I ..guess they are, sir." Had he imagined that amused tone of voice?
She looked at him for a second time, and for a split second, he saw a flash of defiance. There was a fire in that girl, and she was just as wild as the flowers on her lap.
He shifted his weight from foot to foot. "I think it's time to go back." Hastily, he added, "The others will be getting worried around now."
"Yes, sir." That word again. Sir. Petra stood up, brushing the flowers off her lap as she walked.
Levi didn't notice the flowers in her hands until they were on his head. "Petra? Care to explain?" Petra, not Ral.
"Daisies," she said, smiling, as if that was explanation enough. It wasn't. He supposed if he wanted to, he could have been angry, but she was smiling and damn if he wasn't more selfish than he cared to admit.
With careful—gentle, almost—hands, he took the flower crown and dropped it on her head.
"They'd look better on you." Shit. Again. "Because, you know."
She did, if that ever-growing smile was any hint. "How do I look?" Petra twirled, and in that gesture, the Sina in her was more apparent than it had ever been. He'd grown up in Sina and it had given him all the grace of a knife in the right (or was it wrong) hands; she was more refined.
"Bright," he told her.
(What he didn't tell her was that she was bright even without the flowers.)
iv.
It was kind of funny, really. That was the only word going through his head as he limped out of the castle-funny, funny, funny.
There was a gnawing pain in his leg that made him want to rip his skin right off his bones, but it seemed to wash him over with a wave of numbness. He welcomed it.
Winter had greeted them last night. Frost dusted the ground, making grass crunch beneath his feet as he limped along. The patch of daisies looked lonely and small and he could hardly pick them out from all the white.
The white reminded him of bandages and sheets, all meant to cover up injuries and blood.
(Wedding dresses were white, too, he remembered, and that stupid fucking cloth was the only wedding dress he could afford to give her.)
He sat. It hurt his leg and the ground was cold, but that didn't matter compared to everything else. The cold hissed around him, and he preferred it to the numbness that began to spread to the rest of him from the leg injury.
Funny, funny, funny.
He wondered what Petra would have been done by now. She probably would have scolded him; she had grown that comfortable. And he had let her, hadn't he? He'd grown tired of counting his mistakes-it was like trying to count losses, trying to count stars, trying to count something that simply didn't have a number.
In between the sour haze of injury and regret, he supposed it was the first and biggest mistake. Regarding her, anyway.
(And no, that was another lie. Levi was tired of counting those, too. The biggest mistake had been-
Had been-)
"Sorry," Levi said out loud, and the words clawed their way out of his throat. They left a burning sensation that spread to his eyes. Hands clenched at the fabric of his shirt, threatening to rip it right off. His grip wavered; injury had stolen the strength right out of his bones. "Sorry."
He wasn't stupid enough to believe in apologizing to the dead.
And there it was, the ugly truth, rawer than any undressed wound Levi had ever seen: she was dead. They were dead.
(But they couldn'tshouldn'twouldn't have been. Levi tasted the words on his tongue and they tasted a little like blood.)
He was no stranger to the blame game, just as he was no stranger to death or loss or mistakes. But he also was no stranger to the battlefield, and that hadn't stopped his injury, just as it failed to stop the feeling worse than any injury could have ever hoped to be.
Funnyfunnyfunny-
He didn't have the energy to scream, and the only thing that managed to slip past his lips was a short sound resembling a sob.
Levi wondered how long he sat there, drowning in a painfully familiar mix of bitter regret and cold apathy.
It must have been a while-that much he could reason-and he hardly had the care or energy to look surprised when Eren found him.
"Captain?" Levi watched unease flicker across his eyes. Or perhaps it was fear? It reminded him of a time in the underworld, when he had coming across a wounded dog. It was pointlessly nursing a part of its fur stained dark red. One look at the gash and Levi knew it was infected. The dog looked at him like that, gaze guarded. But teeth bared.
(Levi had killed it right after, but not out of mercy. Even a wounded dog could bite, he knew.)
Eren squinted at him, and Levi could practically hear him thinking. "...What are you doing out here?" he asked finally, fidgeting like that wounded dog.
The edge of Levi's mouth curled sharply into something reminiscent of the harsh edge of a blade, something that couldn't quite be called a smile. "I'm talking a walk."
Eren's brow furrowed and it became apparent he was thinking of what to say.
He looked at Levi with a hurt sort of pity, quietly eyeing his leg. "It's cold out here." He fidgeted once more. "And it's not a good idea to walk out with your leg like that, Captain."
"I'm fine," Levi said coolly. As he stretched, his leg screamed in disagreement. He ignored it.
Eren tried again. "Miss Ral once told me a little bit about injuries. She said-"
Miss Ral. His world froze for a moment, silent in the cold.
"Did she now?" Levi interrupted harshly, turning very deliberately to look Eren in the eye. He sneered, but it looked it more like a grimace. Perhaps it was.
Miss Ral. An ugly laugh finally succeeded in leaving his lips.
Eren shuffled uncomfortably, eyes to the ground. He was mumbling something beneath his breath, but Levi did not know or care. He thought he heard an apology.
Of all the animals Levi knew, the most dangerous ones were the injured and the cornered. Eren's eyes went from Levi the ground, again and again and again, looking like a deer in the headlights.
And when Eren turned to leave without another word, Levi closed his eyes and grabbed fistfuls of Miss fucking Ral's precious daisies, ripping them up and out and away. His hands were frozen and numb and his shoulders had begun to shake, but that had nothing to do with cold.
Only when it began to rain did he stand up and make his way towards the castle, an agonizingly slow march.
The rain was enough to wash away whatever tears had slipped out of his eyes, but there were still sins on his hands and they, too, looked a little like blood.
v.
It was quiet and still and stagnant, and Levi could feel himself drowning in it when he passed by the room that served as a kitchen and practically everything else. The door was open just a bit, and he could see the candlelight flickering on the walls. The glow was slight and soft against the stone. He watched it paint the walls.
Levi stepped inside.
Petra sat at the table, eyes open. Barely. His eyes went from her to the head on her lap, a mess of brown hair. Eren's eyes were closed, mouth open as he slept. It occurred to Levi that he might drool, but Petra hardly seemed to care. She brushed his bangs from his forehead in a way that Levi could only describe as tender, and her smile was small but clear.
Levi cleared his throat. "Petra. I thought you went to bed hours ago?"
Her head whipped up to look at him and she smiled wider. To her credit, it was a sheepish one. "I had work to do."
He looked at the empty table, then back to the sleeping Eren on her lap. "Mm."
She flushed red, all tripped up in guilt and shame. "I wanted to give him company. He looked a little..." Petra paused, groping for words. "Lonely, I think."
Speak of the damn devil. Eren twitched a little on her lap, curling closer against her. She muttered something-comforting words, Levi was sure-before caressing his cheek.
"I see." Levi walked closer to them and he watched the way Petra's arm moved to cover Eren, fiercely maternal. She maintained eye contact with him, gaze respectful but defiant.
(Again, Levi was reminded of an animal. She looked like a mother bear, jaw open, teeth bared. Tensed and ready to attack.)
"Shouldn't he be in the dungeon?" Trust was hard to come by. Levi had almost none to give. "You heard the commander's orders."
Petra did not look up. "Is that so?"
The silence was bursting,thrumming, and not for the first time, he was at lack of what to say.
"His mom died, you know?" she murmured. Her hand had moved to Eren's head and her gaze did the same.
Shiganshina. Something about that tasted sour.
"A lot of people did." Levi took a seat next to her, gaze steely but not unkind. "Shiganshina was a disaster." It was.
She smiled at him, rueful. "Carla."
His heart twisted in his chest and Levi found he was suddenly short of breath. "What?"
"Her name was Carla." Petra closed her eyes, but the smile did not leave. Opening her eyes, she saw his gaze and said, by way of explanation, "He still dreams."
Levi said nothing.
(He didn't need to. He supposed all wounds healed with time, but once or twice he'd woken up with a name on his lips he'd thought he'd forgotten and sweat and tears on his face. The dreams always played it back and back and back-a hand extended a hand limp, eyes wide eyes empty, voice desperate voice gone.
And once or twice he'd woken up at the table, a pain in his lower back and a blanket around his shoulders that smelled just a little like Petra.)
As if on cue, Eren tossed and turned, eyes shut tight. His jaw was clenched and Petra soothed him, hand rubbing his back comfortingly.
Sometimes Levi forgot he was still a kid. Even more often, he forgot that Petra herself was scarcely seven years older than Eren. War spared none.
Clearing his throat, Levi said, "It's late." Petra did not move. "You should get a little rest."
"Captain's orders?" She grinned at him. Levi thought it looked good on her and he was quick to blame it on the lack of sleep.
Levi groaned. "Jesus, go to sleep, Petra. The kid's not gonna disappear on you."
She saluted, or at least did the best she could with Eren's head in her lap. "Duly noted, Captain."
"Don't stay up too late." Levi paused by the doorway. "And one more thing. It's Levi. Just Levi."
That grin was becoming a problem, but he found he did not care. "Also duly noted, Levi."
It was not until after he left that he allowed himself to smile, and when he passed by the kitchen again later, the candle was out.
vi.
In retrospect, it was one of the worst decisions he had ever made. Levi wasn't good with plants, wasn't good with goddamn flowers, wasn't good with anything but maneuver gear and orders. That was what his life had become, anyhow-the orders winding him up like a toy soldier and the gear wires tight around his neck like a noose.
Winter had officially begun a week ago. He had made it through, and he supposed that alone was a feat in itself (he'd weathered worse missions, worse winters, but there hadn't been anything like this).
The flowers were alive, by some miracle or other kind of divine intervention. They sat proudly, turned up towards the sun, and idly, Levi felt their petals. Soft. Weak. He looked at them, and all he saw was weakness.
(The world had no place for the weak. Perhaps that had been her-had been their-downfall in the end.)
Suddenly he felt ill, and the sweet scent of the flowers turned sickening. He had half a mind to throw them out, get rid of them and get rid of her.
In the end, he left them be. It was a cruel enough fate, anyway.
vii.
When he sat by the table the next day, the flowers had wilted. It was a stupid thing to even consider. He wasn't good with flowers then and clearly wasn't good with them now. Whether she-her name was poison, poison, poison-was here or not made no difference.
"Captain?" Eren stood by the table, looking at him with those distrustful eyes. The feeling's mutual. His gaze closed in on the flowers and his mouth opened and then closed again.
Didn't he have work he was supposed to be doing? Levi narrowed his eyes. "What is it?"
The boy stood his ground. "Were you tending to those?" He looked from the flowers to Levi with a look of thinly veiled exasperation.
Levi spoke around the lump in his throat. "Mm. What does it matter? They wilted, anyway."
Eren's brow furrowed again. "Did you...expect otherwise, Captain?" Pointedly, he looked at the window. It was snowing outside. Hastily, he backtracked: "I mean, it's winter, and you left them by the window. It's too cold for them and-"
No. "It doesn't matter." Levi stood, and his bones cried out once more. He was more tired than he could recall. "They're just flowers."
Apparently, Eren didn't get the point. "They'd probably be able to grow if you didn't keep them there. Miss Ral told me-"
And there it was again. Miss Ral. Poisonous. Treacherous.
"Yeah, and where is Miss Ral now?"
The room fell quiet, but Levi could just barely hear Eren's ragged, stricken breathing.
Eren wasn't meek, wasn't a pushover, wasn't a timid little mouse in any sense, but he bit his tongue and said nothing. It was for Petra's sake if nothing else, Levi knew.
Tripping over his own words like a newborn foal, Eren left him be.
(It was a cruel enough fate, anyway.)
viii.
He'd gone on enough expeditions to be able to reign in the fear that reached between his ribs and squeezed, but he wasn't quite so sure about the newer ones. Eren in particular was the one he worried about. It was a foolish,foolish decision to put the weight of the world on the slim shoulders of a fifteen year old boy. Erwin was the one he trusted, not Eren.
(Levi trusted Erwin as much as he trusted his gear. He remembered his first expedition. His squad had found an aberrant-or rather, it had found them. It had chased one of his squadmates-a girl with catlike eyes-and she'd escaped it. Vaguely, he remembered her as one of those better with the gear.
Except she'd swung herself right into a tree where her gear tangled into the branches and swung her into the ground, snapping her neck. The memory was clear, unfairly so: the forest falling quiet as she swung, lips parted, eyes blank and unblinking.
And then the titan had gotten to her.)
He stood outside, reigning the horses. They seemed to always know when an expedition was going to happen. Levi guessed they could taste the fear.
Some were fidgety, but Farlan was not. He was sleek and strong and quick. Levi loved him best. Calmly, Farlan pressed his nose into the palm of Levi's hand, affectionate.
"Never took you as the type to like horses." Petra strode up to him, cape fluttering behind her shoulders. Her horse nickered from stall next to him.
"It's not that I like horses." Levi pulled a carrot out of his pocket and Farlan chewed on it, blinking with those wise eyes. "It's that they like me."
To his surprise, she laughed. It was not an unwelcome sound. "Never expected that, either."
Levi scowled at her, but his voice was gentle. "I ought to take you off my squad."
She shrugged, indifferent, but a smile pulled at her lips. "Your loss."
Auruo peeked at them from the end of the stable, face twisted up in an expression Levi knew he only put on to get on Petra's nerves. "You can flirt when we get back, Petra."
She did not hesitate. "You can drown in your own jealousy when we get back, Auruo."
Frowning as if she had struck him, Auruo slunk away, shaking his head and muttering things under his breath. Women.
Levi looked at her. "Are we flirting?"
She stared back, unfazed. "Are we?"
"I asked first. Captain's orders."
Petra shook her head, but something in her gaze was fond. "Finally pulling out your trump card, I see."
"And you're finally pulling out yours. Evading the question doesn't work more than one time in a row, you know."
"You've gotten sharper."
Levi took a step closer to her. "Maybe you're just getting soft."
She reached out to tangle her fingers in his cravat. Pulling him down by it, she hummed contentedly. "Don't flatter yourself."
He pressed his forehead to hers. "Take your own advice."
They stayed like that for just a moment, and Levi exhaled softly. She smelled rich and crisp as October, soft and sharp all at once. Cinnamon, he thought. That had been expensive in Sina.
Petra pulled away, blush high on her cheekbones. It looked pretty with her smile. "Who are you to tell me what to do?"
He snorted, and said, "I'm your captain. It's kind of my job."
She frowned at him, thoughtful. "Well, you're not doing a good job."
"Ral, be quiet." His exasperated tone got another grin out of her.
"Miss R-Petra?" Just the icing on the cake. Eren stood at the end of the stables, already dressed head to do in his Corps uniform. "Sorry to interrupt, or anything."
She smiled, undeniably fond. "You're not interrupting. Don't worry about it." Petra gestured to something in the far distance and Eren nodded in understanding. "I'm just preparing my horse." The snort Levi couldn't stop earned him an elbow to the ribs. "I'll be with you in a few."
Eren scampered off, quick as a rat, and Levi turned to her. "Don't keep him waiting. That's awfully rude of you."
"And whose fault is it that I'm 'keeping him waiting'?"
Predictably, she took the bait. Levi bit back a grin, saying, "Your own. Didn't someone teach you to take responsibility for your actions?"
"I thought that was your job." Petra pulled away from him, tightening her cape. Green looked good on her. "Anyway, I need to go. The first expeditions are always the hardest." She gestured at Eren in the far distance.
Petra turned back to look at him, something in her eyes that he couldn't quite read. He was still trying to read it when she quite literally flung herself at him. Levi could do nothing but pull her close.
When she finally broke away, that look was still there. Tender. "I'll see you later, okay?"
"Keep an eye on Eren. Tell me how he does after the expedition."
She rolled her eyes at him before leading her horse out of the stall. "I promise. Bye, Levi."
ix.
(I'll see you later, okay?)
(I promise.)
Levi wasn't the only one to break a promise.
x.
He'd always seen her in shades of gold, alive and pulsing like the skyline at sunset or dawn. She was a flash-fire girl, the wild roaring beneath the delicate pale of her skin.
It was the first dream Levi had in months. They were sitting under the tree (they always were). She was picking at flowers (she always was), plucking the petals with pretty-pale fingers. They wilted when she tossed them away. The sky wept. Levi offered it no sympathy.
This dream was different, a dangerous sense of intimacy lurking between the haze of sleep and guilt. Familiarity, Levi called it.
Alive and pulsing, but her smile was grey and so was her gaze. It was as if the rain had washed all of her colour away.
She looked up at him from her pretty bouquet of pretty flowers, pretty-she'd always been pretty. Petra batted her eyelashes, grinning. Not smiling. Grinning. Like a cat.
She was grey, and he remembered with startling clarity: so was a corpse.
You're dead.
"Am I?" She tossed one of those flowers at him. A wound seemed to fester where petals met skin. "Let's see." Again, the petals flew. "We used to do this in Sina, you know?" He did.
"Used to see if it meant a guy loved us or not." Humming, her fingers pulled at those petals again and again. She was deft and quick on and off the battlefield. She stared at him with those whitewashed eyes. Black-and-white. He felt like a fish under water. "What about me, Levi? Do you love me?"
He did not answer. For the life of him, he could not remember why, but she knew the answer already.
"Do you?" Even muted through shades of white and black, her eyes were bright as stars. Owlishly, she blinked. "He loves me, he loves me not."
Off came another petal. It wasn't as clean, and Levi stared at the ragged edges left behind. The flower wept. The tears were red.
Oh, he thought, oh.
"-loves me not." The entire head of the flower ripped right into those fingers, and he heard it scream when she yanked it away. It was a scream cut short. His mouth went dry. Serene as ever, she looked down at the flowers in her fist. "Oops. You know that voice, don't you?"
He did. So did she.
"You know, you were close. If only you weren't just a minute too late-"
He stood up abruptly. Petra turned to look at him, doll-like in her silent beauty. A marble statue. It was then that Levi noticed the cracks running up and down her grey body. The entire front of her shirt was stained red. She wiped at her face with it.
"It was you." She threw another flower at him. She was crying now, Levi saw, red tears that were horrifically vibrant on her hands and shirt. Petra reached out, grabbing his hand. He pulled away. The blood was there. Fresh. "Your weakness." Another flower. "Your fault."
He loves me, he loves me not.
"Would I have lived?" She was suddenly there, standing beside him, an inch or two shorter. He wanted to laugh. She gripped him with hands like iron, still weeping. Her eyes were wide and blank, like they had been when-
Levi woke up with a start, stomach twisting and turning and churning beneath the safety of his skin. He pressed the back of his hand to his forehead and it came away wet and clammy. He pulled himself out of bed, stumbling to the kitchen as quickly as his broken-fucking useless-leg would allow.
In the sweet, sweet candlelight, he stared at his hands. They were stained red.
There was a soft, weak sob, and just hearing it made Levi's throat hoarse, It took him a moment to realize it was not his own, and he hobbled into the hallway. A sharp cry drew him to the dungeon door, and the sobbing was louder there.
Levi felt sick. He hadn't been the only one to lose a squad.
He still dreams.
He leaned by the dungeon door, breath rattling in his chest. He stayed until it stopped, and after a moment of quiet breathing, he went back into the kitchen. There was on ominous feeling that swelled like a storm.
One. Two.
Levi looked at his hands and saw only pale skin, all traces of red gone.
Three.
xi.
Winter came and went; Levi bid it no goodbye. Spring crept over them, and there were now bits of green where the snow once was. It was warm enough that he allowed the windows to be open on occasion. Eren never closed them. Just a kid, he reminded himself, just a kid. He'd deal with whatever managed to slip inside later.
His leg had healed. Not nicely, but it had healed nonetheless. He could go up and down the stairs without wanting to simply rip the limb off. Surely that had to count for something.
Levi was sitting at the table with his shoulders drawn together when he finally noticed the flowers in the middle. His heart stopped for a split second, but he forced himself to breathe. They were beautiful and alive, spilling over the edge of the clay pot, painting the room with bright shades.
There could only be one person responsible.
"Eren?"
Eren trotted in, and Levi watched him freeze for a second before saluting hastily. "Yes, Captain?" There was still distrust there, but Levi did not blame him.
Silently, Levi gestured at the flowers.
Eren swallowed, but it was the first time he did not look as guarded as before. "Yeah. I did that."
(He had remembered.)
"I see." Levi closed his eyes and willed them open once more. Perhaps for a moment, Eren held his breath, disastrously defensive. No doubt waiting to see if he would be scolded, Levi thought sourly. "They are nice." As useless as they were, they were pretty.
"Thanks." Eren sat down beside him. Levi noted that he smelled of sweat. That meant he had been doing his work. As headstrong as he was, Eren was a hard worker. "My mom taught me."
Her name was Carla.
Levi forced himself to smile. "She taught you well."
Eren shifted in his seat, but Levi knew it was because of his fidgety nature, not discomfort. There was some sort of wild in that boy, too. He had learned to recognize it. "Thanks. She was a lot better at it than me, though." Eren furrowed his brow in that way he always seemed to.
Levi smiled again and this time it was genuine. "You still have a lot of time." If I have anything to say about it.
There was still a bit of clutter in the far corner of the room despite Eren's best efforts, but that was alright. He'd learn.
Eren looked taken aback, but a grin lit his face up. Levi had learned to recognize those, too. "I guess that's one way of looking at it."
Levi wanted nothing more than to sleep, but Eren's voice kept him awake. "You know," he started carefully, voice cautious, "I could teach you how if you like. You still have a lot of time too, right? Especially if you start now."
Levi's mouth opened a little, taken aback. He snapped it shut in favour of another genuine smile "I...I look forward to it."
xii.
There were two vases on the table, filled to the brim with flowers.
Petra would be proud.
xiii.
He told Eren he was going for another walk, and here he was, drawn to the patch of daisies. They weren't in full bloom yet-give another month or so and they would be-but they were getting there. He could breathe fine when he visited them now, and Levi supposed that was a good thing. It had to be.
They had buried her-buried them-in quiet grove at the edge of Sina. There were flowers everywhere, and his only consolation was that she would have loved it. Auruo had been allergic to flowers; Gunther and Erd indifferent.
Sitting here now, he felt an odd sort of calm. The calm before the storm, he was certain. Levi closed his eyes and found them miraculously dry.
He wasn't young anymore. He was so, so tired; it began in the hollows of his bones until it made its way into his bloodstream, and he wanted nothing more than to close his eyes and sleep.
But there was a war inside and out of the walls, there was a victory to claim and a promise to keep, and he knew it clearer than he'd known anything: he couldn't stop now.
He wasn't okay. But he would be.
Eren yelled at him from inside the castle. His voice carried well. "Captain?"
Levi yelled back. "I'll be right with you." He would. Levi stood up and looked around, and the barely-spring was almost serene. Almost.
Spring was coming faster than he remembered, the wildflowers would grow again, and he... he would be alright.
"Captain?"
"Jesus, Eren, have a little patience! I'm not young anymore."
They would be alright.